I’ve heard my friends say this, and maybe you have, too — or maybe you’ve said it yourself: “We should all move in together when we get older!”
Alice Alexander, executive director of the Cohousing Association of the United States, says talk among friends is often how cohousing communities get started, including the Durham Central Park Cohousing Community in North Carolina, where she lives. Durham Coho, as it is known, isn’t just for older people — one of the community’s aims is intergenerational living — but Alexander has advice for 50- or 60-somethings who want to explore cohousing as a way to live in their older years: Get started now.
“We didn’t break ground until November 2012” and didn’t move in until the summer of 2014, Alexander says. That was years after Durham Coho's founders started pursuing their idea in earnest in 2008.
Two events this spring will make it easier to take Alexander’s advice. April 30 is National Cohousing Open House Day, when more than 90 cohousing communities around the country will welcome visitors for tours and Q&A sessions. Then on May 20 and 21, a national cohousing conference, Aging Better Together, will take place in Salt Lake City. Sessions will cover how to form a cohousing community and how to create an environment that supports aging in community.
Cohousing is Just One Way to Go
Why the years-long wait before Alexander and other members of her Durham community could move in? It’s easy to understand when she explains what cohousing is.
“Cohousing celebrates having your own private home with access to community,” she says. Each household is independent, but there are shared activities and spaces, often things like laundry rooms, workshops, arts spaces, and a kitchen and dining area for communal meals that might take place once or twice a week. There’s also a shared community intention, which could be as specific as operating a farm or as general as growing a culture of mutual caring.
Durham Coho's members are environmentally focused and wanted to live in an urban setting with amenities like the downtown farmers’ market, library, theaters and YMCA within easy walking distance. To do it, they bought and redeveloped a parcel of brownfield land in the heart of the city, oversaw the design and construction of two dozen condominiums and several commons areas and marketed their community to attract more families to live there.
It is possible to shorten your wait time by joining an existing cohousing community instead of building one. There are 162 established communities across the country — most states have at least one — with another 126 in some stage of formation.
But another option is to look into “cohouseholding.” That’s the term used for groups that form a single household together, Alexander says, and both cohousing and cohouseholding fall under the umbrella of “intentional community.”
Can You Ditch Old Expectations?
“There are very distinct benefits,” economic and social, that come with living together, says Sky Blue, executive director of the national Fellowship for Intentional Community. But along with the benefits, Blue notes, “there are some very distinct costs.”
Consider, he says, that some of the biggest costs in cohouseholding can be the emotional ones.
“The notion of privacy is something intensely ingrained into American culture, much more so than almost any other culture in the world. Also the notion of personal space,” Blue says. Giving up a degree of privacy about personal finances or a degree of control over your environment isn’t always easy.
“You’re going to get into conflict,” he says, and it won’t necessarily be about the big stuff. It will be about “where on the counter does the blender sit.”
It helps going into a shared living situation to know that there are bound to be difficulties, he adds, and to work out clear systems at the start for how the group will communicate, make decisions, share responsibilities and hold each other accountable.
It also helps to make sure that everyone still has sufficient personal space, according to Janelle Orsi, an attorney who heads the Sustainable Economies Law Center and specializes in the “sharing economy.” Ideally, “Everyone has the ability to retreat to their personal space when they’ve had enough social stimulation,” she writes in a case study on how to succeed at cohouseholding.
Orsi and another attorney have posted a set of 58 questions to help prospective cohouseholders consider the practical, financial and legal aspects of their living arrangements. And both the Cohousing Association and the Fellowship for Intentional Community have websites loaded with resources and advice from existing communities.
Affordability and Aging
Cost might move you toward one option or another if you and your friends are thinking about forming a community together as you age. On the surface, at least, forming a single household jointly with a small group of friends seems like the least expensive option. But a closer look at shared living arrangements might make you think differently about affordability.
Blue lives in the Twin Oaks Community in central Virginia, which has about 100 members. They share not only expenses but all the income they generate through several group businesses, including building furniture, making tofu and farming. With a large enough group to sustain those enterprises, they’re able to cover each community member’s living expenses.
Having a large group with diverse skills has given the Durham Central Park Cohousing Community some advantages, too. They were able to be their own real estate developer and their own marketer, rather than paying for those services. It also makes self-governance easier, Alexander says. Personalities tend to blend and balance each other out better. The “sweet spot” in cohousing, she adds, is in the range of 20 to 40 households.
“Cohousing is very typically market rate,” Alexander says of the cost of housing itself. So a condo at Durham Coho goes for what a condo elsewhere in downtown Durham might cost. “But you get so much more with it. We’re getting not just a community, but we’re getting all this amazing community space,” notes Alexander.
Changing Needs
When it comes to the costs and needs that go with aging, she says cohousing communities on the whole are in the early stages of thinking about those questions.
Her own community was designed to be Americans with Disabilities Act-compliant, partly with an eye to aging in place. And as members have looked ahead to their future care needs, “somebody floated the idea of one of our guest rooms being used for a [home health] aide. So there is that possibility,” Alexander says. “On the other hand, we’re also looking at trying to attract families. So just as important a question to us is, how can we help support children in the community?”
She adds: “One of the reasons we’re having this conference, this Aging Better Together conference, is that so many of the older, mature communities . . . are having to figure this out. What will [members’ aging] mean for the physical structures, but also what does it mean for us as a community in terms of caring and sharing?”
 


The Pros and Cons of Living With Friends in Older Age

Denise Logeland

By Saskia de Melker and Melanie Saltzman
The full transcript of the PBS NewsHour Weekend story shown above follows here:
SASKIA DE MELKER: This is the regular dinner scene at Saettedammen, a co-housing community 45 minutes outside Denmark’s capital of Copenhagen.
Stig Brinck, an architect, and his wife, an artist, and the teenage daughters they’ve raised here, are responsible for tonight’s meal…for themselves and 20 neighbors in the common house.
STIG BRINCK: We eat together four times a week, for those who want to participate.
SASKIA DE MELKER: What’s it like cooking for 25 people? How do you do that?
STIG BRINCK: First of all, we have a kitchen that’s capable for it. So we have the tools to do it. That’s very important.
SASKIA DE MELKER: Communal meals are a staple at Saettedammen, where 71 people live in 28 houses clustered around shared recreational and outdoor spaces — walkways, gardens, and parking — and a common house. Residents are expected to clean shared areas and take turns tending the grounds. Everyone shares resources like laundry facilities, outdoor tools, and play equipment. Small groups of families rotate leading monthly community meetings.
STIG BRINCK: You live in kind of a small, small village. You know everybody around you, and you share as much as possible. So you are very close neighbors, and you are kind of depending on each other, but you’re not obligated to any strict rules.
SASKIA DE MELKER: The Saettedammen community is made up of a range of singles, couples, retirees, and families with children. Every family has privacy in a home with its own bedrooms, baths, and kitchen.
The land is cooperatively owned, but residents own their homes — a structure similar to a condominium association in the U-S. The cost of homes here is comparable to other homes in the area, but an average sized household pays about $3,500 dollars a year for communal resources.
Saettedammen started 46 years ago and is recognized as the first co-housing community in the world. Britta Bjerre and her husband, Arne, were among the first families to move in.
BRITTA BJERRE: We didn’t want our family to spend our lives in an insular way in a house on a suburban street somewhere. And one day we saw a newspaper ad saying that some people had their eyes on a plot of land, and they were looking for twenty-five to thirty families to buy it and build houses as well as a communal house.
SASKIA DE MELKER: Lisa Berkman, a professor of public policy and epidemiology at Harvard University says that co-housing harkens back to the kinds of communities that used to naturally dominate our societies.
LISA BERKMAN: You know, when you think about the apartment buildings that were designed at the turn of the century, they were designed as two-family houses or three-family houses, each on a floor. And those enabled multi-generation households to live together and still have their own housing.
SASKIA DE MELKER: Berkman says that cohousing can reduce social isolation and the detrimental health effects associated with it.
LISA BERKMAN: Social isolation relates to the number of ties and the quality of relationships that you have: religious ties, community ties, work ties. People who are very isolated, who are disconnected, have a mortality rate that’s about three times as high That is, they’re about three times as likely to die over maybe a decade, as people who have many, many more ties.
SASKIA DE MELKER: 70-year-old Jytte Helle has lived in Saettedammen for 30 years.

JYTTE HELLE: It’s important to me to be with a mixed group, not only with other older people, because then we would just talk about our diseases and aches and pains. Older people can’t give the same energy as younger people can.
STIG BRINCK: So having neighbors and knowing their kids, I think that’s // just like it’s a benefit of having a big family.
SASKIA DE MELKER: Is this replacing the idea of the extended family?
STIG BRINCK: Indeed it is. I see it very much as the extended family.
ELLA POULSEN: It’s like nice to have a friend nearby always that you can talk to.
SASKIA DE MELKER: 14-year old Ella Poulsen has lived in Saettedammen her whole life.
ELLA POULSEN: It’s kind of like everyone’s a parent, and everybody will take care of the kid if there’s something wrong and the parents aren’t there. I think it’s just very safe.
SASKIA DE MELKER: It’s estimated that at least 1 percent of the Danish population lives in co-housing arrangements. In the United States, the Cohousing Association of America estimates there are about 150 communities.
Rocky Hill Cohousing in Northampton, Massachusetts was established 12 years ago. It has 28 households with residents ranging from age 2 to 80. With a similar financial model to Saettedammen, Rocky Hill has a variety of common spaces, resources, activities, and shared chores.
CAROL RINEHART: I love knowing that somebody’s out there plowing the path on a snowy morning. That’s lovely, knowing that there are mixed ages of people who can help with keeping the place up, and we have our jobs divided.
SASKIA DE MELKER: Carol Rinehart is 72-years-old and just retired from her job as a hospice coordinator. She’s lived at Rocky Hill since its formation.
CAROL RINEHART: You don’t get up some day in the morning and say, “You know, I think this is the day I’m going to have a community.” You know, you build a community.
SASKIA DE MELKER: The number of Americans 65 and older is expected to nearly double by 2050. According to the Pew Research Center, 61 percent say they would prefer to stay in their homes even when they can no longer take care of themselves.That’s compared to 17 percent who would opt for an assisted living facility. Just 8 percent would prefer to move in with a family member.
Harvard Professor Lisa Berkman says co-housing allows people to age in their homes.
LISA BERKMAN: With the aging of the population and the increasing frailty that people will experience as they age, at some point everybody needs a little help. Americans are particularly vulnerable to social isolation in part because we value independence so much, and because we’re so mobile. And we live in a very, very big country.
SASKIA DE MELKER: Berkman says that while older Americans are especially vulnerable to social isolation, young families often struggle to maintain social networks as they juggle work and family.
College professor Gary Felder lives at the Rocky Hill co-housing community with his wife and their two young children. He says their social life is built in, unlike other families who don’t live in a co-housing arrangement.
GARY FELDER: You’ve got to arrange babysitting, you need to figure out the timing, and then you’ve got to rush back and so on. And that was just never a big deal for us. We would put our kids down, we would throw in a baby monitor and we would go spend an evening with our friends. Every week.
SASKIA DE MELKER: Cause you’re right next door, to the common house?
GARY FELDER: Yeah, absolutely. And if one of our kids woke up, two minutes later we were in the bedroom.
SASKIA DE MELKER: Felder admits that this lifestyle isn’t for everyone, and about one family a year decides to leave.
GARY FELDER: The biggest challenge is that you’re making decisions with 27 other households. That is the definition of hell for some people.
SASKIA DE MELKER: But Felder says that for his family the benefits they get from an intergenerational community outweigh the difficulties.
GARY FELDER: The other thing which our kids get, which is even more rare in this society, is they have regular interactions with elders, with seniors. They’re very aware of the whole process of people getting older and retiring and having physical problems and dying.
SASKIA DE MELKER: Rocky Hill residents are coming up with new guidelines to help aging community members, including ride sharing and connecting residents with financial and medical services.
CAROL RINEHART: Could we even make a space here in the common house for somebody who lives and is a licensed practical nurse and taking care of several different families who may be in that area of need.
SASKIA DE MELKER: At the Saettedammen community in Denmark, maintaining an intergenerational community is getting harder. More than half of the residents are now over 65. The community is encouraging younger families to move in when homes become available. Many long time residents, like Jytte Helle, don’t want to leave their social support network.
JYTTE HELLE: We’ve been a part of creating this, and want to feel the benefits that come with getting old in a cohousing community like this.
SASKIA DE MELKER: Do you think there is something about this community, does it keep you younger?
JYTTE HELLE: Yes. Definitely. I’m convinced that If I lived exclusively with elderly people, I would degenerate. So the fact that I’m living with younger people is a gift on a daily basis.
(This story originally appeared on PBS NewsHour Weekend.)
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Learn How Two Communities Prevent Social Isolation

Editor's note: This article is part of a year-long project about aging well, planning for the changes that aging brings and shaping how society thinks about aging. 
While writing my book With a Little Help from Our Friends — Creating Community as We Grow Older, I discovered a surprising array of purpose-built communities made up of people who share common ideas, backgrounds or interests. Also known as niche or affinity communities, such places appeal to those who wish to live among their “tribe.”
Take those boomers who were part of the “back to the land” movement in the early 1970s. They can now put down roots on an organic farm, such as the multigenerational Nubanusit cohousing community in New Hampshire.
Others itching to explore their creativity can move to an affordable senior artist colony in southern California. In Florida, serious star-gazers share telescopes at Chiefland Astronomy Village. ShantiNiketan (“abode of peace” in Sanskrit), also in Florida, is a gated retirement community for immigrants from India, offering traditional food, prayer rooms and celebrations of Indian holidays.
(MORE: Special Report: Transforming Life as We Age)
Some niche communities formed over the years did not survive the recession. But the number of these types of places is now expected to grow, along with the number of boomers transitioning to a new phase of life.
Tim Carpenter, executive director of the nonprofit EngAGE, based in southern California, is actively developing new affordable senior artist colonies around the country. The arts represent just one niche Carpenter imagines. For himself, he dreams of creating a community based on wellness — with neighbors who are enthusiastic hikers, cyclists, organic gardeners and fabulous cooks of wholesome fresh food.
“What’s the ideal community?” Carpenter asks. “You can walk next door and know you have something in common with this person. You have a fused passion.”
Here is a closer look at three of the many diverse communities built with fellow travelers in mind, providing a glimpse into how they are structured:
(MORE: Henry Cisneros Wants to Design Cities for All Ages)
1. Your RV Or Mine? The nonprofit Escapees CARE Center in Livingston, Texas, serves die-hard recreational vehicle (RV) enthusiasts who can no longer hit the road, due to illness or disability. These full-time RVers have no other home but the one on wheels. By moving to Escapees CARE Center, they can remain in their RV, with affordable services on site.
RVers are a breed apart. “They are a very welcoming community,” says Escapees CARE Center Executive Director Russ Johnson. “You come together in these different campgrounds. It’s easy to get together and talk about the places where we’ve been and where we’re going and help each other out as far as what we’re trying to accomplish.”
Escapees CARE (Continuing Assistance for Retired Escapees) has two programs: Adult day services for RVers and the wider Livingston community (including for those with dementia) and “assisted living lite” for those who live onsite in their RVs and need some help. The adult day services cost $36 a day and include some nursing and personal care assistance. As for those who live in their RVs on site, the cost is $874 a month ($1,311 for a couple); residents get three meals a day, laundry, housekeeping, transportation to medical appointments, and other home maintenance services.
The community also offers weekly grocery trips and regular bus outings to the movies, a nearby lake, restaurants and plays.
“RVers are rather independent and are used to traveling and a great deal of activity,” says Johnson, a full-time RVer. “So our goal is to keep them active. If you’re active, social and happy, you’ll live longer.”
(MORE: 3 Innovative Ways to Age in Place)
2. A Contemplative Life. ElderSpirit, nestled in the rural southwest corner of Virginia, was founded by Dene Peterson, a former Catholic nun who was eager to live in a community with other people seeking to explore late-life spirituality. “I wanted to show that different things can be done,” she says. “With the baby boomers, aging will take its proper place.”
One of the first senior cohousing communities in the nation, ElderSpirit is open to people of all faiths and offers affordable rental units as well as market-rate townhouses. Like other cohousing communities, ElderSpirit has large common spaces, including a kitchen and dining room for weekly community meals, square dances and other gatherings, plus a library and an art studio.
What’s unusual about ElderSpirit is its attention to spirituality. An octagonal Spirit House is used for resident-led vespers, meditation, yoga and Sunday services. The group holds annual spiritual retreats that are open to those who want to “age in community — with spirit.”
Founding member Catherine Rumschlag says ElderSpirit is part of a growing movement of  “conscious aging.” At ElderSpirit, she notes, “one might have more time for prayer, reading and meditation,” and to spiritually prepare for dying.
Monica Appleby, another founding member, says, “It’s a proactive way to plan for older, more frail years so that a community of friendship can be built for as long as possible.”
3. A Safe Haven. Birds of a Feather, a community of gay and lesbian people 50 and older is near Santa Fe, N.M. Gay people have long faced discrimination in traditional retirement communities and in long-term-care facilities. In response, a handful of LGBT retirement communities have been established, some affordable, others more swanky.
Bonnie McGowan, founder of Birds, says fears about growing old long weighed on her and her friends. So she set out to create a community where gay people could not only feel safe, but thrive in a place of natural beauty.
She purchased 140 acres in the middle of the Pecos Wilderness area and went through the laborious process of approval for 36 building lots. Eight homes have been built, and another 14 lots have been purchased. Although the recession stalled construction, things are picking up and several homes are now moving forward, she reports. "Our newest Little House model is under $250,000 and some of our custom homes are $800,000 and up," McGowans says.
Birds residents are close-knit and socialize regularly together, sharing morning coffee, hiking, playing music and even traveling together. But they are hardly reclusive, and are active in the wider community. Residents volunteer with the Pecos Valley Medical Center, the food bank, Big Brothers and Sisters, and the wildlife center.
"It's the best of all worlds as far as I'm concerned," says Birds resident Ellen Bell. "I live in the forest, I have the creatures, I can hike, my dogs can run loose and yet I'm surrounded by people who are like-minded, not only in terms of how I feel about nature but about community and caring for each other."


When You Want to Live Among Your Tribe

Beth Baker

According to an AARP report from 2020, there are approximately 53 million family caregivers. And 25% of family caregivers belong to the Millennial generation. Additionally, a report cited in Refinery29 shows that 54% of millennials feel lonely.
Family caregivers often report feeling lonely and isolated despite spending significant time with their care partner or recipient, according to the Family Caregiver Alliance. 
"The fact is that many people across America are living longer but cannot fiscally or mentally afford the cost of living alone."Unlike the baby boomer generation and Gen-X, a report by ABC News indicated that "experts say first-time millennial prospective homebuyers are facing a major crisis stirred by a perfect storm of rising housing prices, interest rates and tougher competition from several generations of buyers." At the same time, aging adults are also being impacted by the housing crisis. 
Loneliness is a common through-line in my lived experience and many of my interactions. 
Imagine, then, a millennial caregiver seeking community while worried about how they will afford rent or if they will be able to achieve the "American dream" of home ownership while also providing much-needed care for an aging or disabled family member. 
What are their options? How can they find belonging among the isolation of caregiving and the precarity of housing insecurity? While it may seem like millennial family caregivers are doomed to face isolation and lack of community, many developments seek to address these societal issues. These advancements give older adults, and their caregivers, hope for a new future.
Full Disclosure: Close to Home
I am a millennial and have been a caregiver for over a decade. I cared for my mother from her frontotemporal degeneration (FTD) diagnosis in 2013 until her passing in July 2023. Frontotemporal degeneration is the leading form of dementia for people under the age of 60. 
I also care for my father, who is a stroke and prostate cancer survivor and lives with vascular dementia and stage-3 chronic kidney disease. When not caring for my parents, I am the manager of training at Caring Across Generations, where I train family caregivers, older adults and disabled people on public advocacy and storytelling tactics. 
Loneliness is a common through-line in my lived experience and many of my interactions. Despite the availability of virtual spaces and the often persistent presence of at least one other person in their home, many family caregivers feel something I have termed isolation. The term reflects that although many caregivers have a constant companion, they also experience a profound loss of connection.
Lonely, Not Alone
Avis Hitchcock, a 30-year-old from Florida, has cared for their parents for six years. Both of their parents have battled two types of cancer, from which both are currently in remission. However, due to the deteriorating effects of the disease, chemotherapy and radiation treatments, caregiving remains a necessity. 
"I think for me, the biggest thing is the advocacy piece… because questions get asked and they aren't in the space to talk about it or retain information." 
Hitchcock uses they/them pronouns and describes their life as "beautiful and wild." Their daily tasks include "taking to and from appointments, advocating, especially when they're in the hospital." They spend a lot of time in the hospital to ensure things are getting done and receiving support and care. 
"I think for me, the biggest thing is the advocacy piece… because questions get asked and they aren't in the space to talk about it or retain information," says Hitchcock. 
Hitchcock also discussed helping with showers, changing urostomy bags, and other activities most often associated with medical professionals. When asked about how they experience loneliness, they explain, "There's a sense when I'm sitting with them in a room doing these things, I'm with them, and they're with me, but there's this deep sense of… the reality that I can only imagine they feel lonely on their end because they are going through it and I have no idea what that's like." 
"Moreover, they have no idea what I'm going through. We're working with each other as best as possible, but there's a divide in it. I'm having to do things for them… there's a big surrender of having to rely on someone," Hitchcock says. 
"There should be things out there to support people so it's not like this for caregivers in the future."
"The loneliness is very much the reality in that I'm alone when I'm not physically alone. I thought my life would be is different from where it is. There is a deep, consistent sacrifice that has to be made on a daily basis," Hitchcock notes. "It's almost like I'm living a life that is worthy and beautiful, but why do we have to live this intensity? There should be things out there to support people so it's not like this for caregivers in the future. I don't feel like it's sustainable in a mental or physical health way."
Hitchcock's family owns their own home, and neighbors occasionally assist with grocery shopping and taking out the trash. Friends call and text until they answer to ensure they and their parents are doing okay. However, despite these acts of kindness, the reality remains that there is a lack of community. 
Hitchcock explains: "My parents [are not] being open to getting help and support outside of me, which is a little bit of a struggle [when] people ask 'what can we do to support you?' But I don't get it in the main ways I could use support. It's hard when I care for people who don't like getting outside support."
Why Is Loneliness So Significant?
In 2023, the World Health Organization (WHO) declared loneliness an epidemic. When prolonged, loneliness can be as dangerous as smoking two packs of cigarettes per day, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). Lonely people have poorer health outcomes than those with robust social lives.
Avis Hitchcock notes that they have lost many relationships throughout their caregiving journey. "It's been tough, the reality of friendships ending because my life has changed, or the reality that I have to push myself out the door to have some semblance of my own life so I don't feel even more lonely." 
She says that most of her family is in Mexico, where intergenerational households are much more common. "It is normal. It is not a strange thing."
Ariana Tellez, 30, of Saint Paul, Minnesota, is a mother, spouse and former caregiver to her mother, who died from metastatic breast cancer in 2020 at the age of 67. She notes the critical role multigenerational housing played in getting her through the pandemic. 
"We all had each other in our home… it was all of us and our pets. My mom was a fan of multigenerational housing, but it just made sense for us to all live together," Tellez says.
She says that most of her family is in Mexico, where intergenerational households are much more common. "It is normal. It is not a strange thing. [In the United States] I feel like you hear someone [say] 'I live with my parents, and I am 30,' and people are like 'Oh, that is weird,'" but it is not, at least culturally speaking, in Mexico where my family lives."
However, not everyone has a family they can live with during crises or situations of need. According to a 2023 article by The Hill, nearly 15% of the U.S. population lives alone. However, living with a parent, partner, grandparent, child or other family member is not an automatic solution to curbing feelings of loneliness. Future trends are on the rise toward an intentional community where residents can depend on and build relationships with one another.
Where Does Housing Fit In?
An additional stressor to the loneliness epidemic is the current housing crisis sweeping the United States as rent and mortgage prices continually rise, gentrification increases, and predatory practices undermine communities of color – disproportionately impacting older adults and their caregivers. 
People facing the trifecta of a housing crisis, caregiving and feelings of isolation may be unsure about their future.
The fact is that many people across America are living longer but cannot fiscally or mentally afford the cost of living alone. While families with care partners are familiar with this truth, many observed for the first time, throughout the COVID-19 pandemic, that perpetual independence is unsustainable. The evidence is clear that we must rely instead on interdependence for overall health and well-being.
For centuries, many cultures worldwide have practiced interdependence through co-housing and communal living models. However, the stronghold of capitalism in Western culture means that we define success as freeing ourselves from our nuclear family structures and pursuing ultimate independence in home ownership. 
However, a slow resurgence of coliving models is occurring across the U.S. to address the rising need for care, unaffordable housing costs, and loneliness across generations. In their 2023 book "Design & Solidarity," architect Rafi Segal and artist Marisa Morán Jahn explore how housing and intentional, accessible design can be used in part to make space for the advancement of communal living in the United States. 
The Baltimore, Maryland-based Carehaus project founders Segal, of Boston, and Jahn, based in New York City, along with Ernst Valery in Baltimore, help redefine what home means and who has access to it. Carehaus, set to break ground in 2024, is designed to provide housing for low-income older adults and disabled people, their care partners and their families. The development responds to the lack of housing and care for older adults, answering the question: "What if we build in celebration of care?"
Carehaus is the first care-based co-housing project in the United States. In addition to providing practical living space, the innovative coliving community relieves a multitude of burdens with "shared meals, child care and various other activities such as art, fitness, physical therapy, financial literacy courses and horticulture" and culturally relevant art programs, as well as utilities, tools and other resources. 
A slow resurgence of coliving models is occurring across the U.S. to address the rising need for care, unaffordable housing costs, and loneliness across generations. 
The result is cost savings that create "higher-quality care for residents and sustainable wages for caregivers," according to Segal and Jahn. With shared resources and the caregiving community at the forefront of its design, Carehaus is set to disrupt how aging, disability, care and family are viewed in this country.
Other intergenerational developments, like Bridge Meadows in Beaverton, Oregon, also seek to create interdependence within its model, which brings together youth in foster care with aging and disabled adults. 
Another example of interdependence and care is the brainchild of author, speaker and aging advocate Elizabeth White, a past Next Avenue Influencer in Aging. NUUage Coliving is a new, more affordable take on the old active adult community model. 
The future mixed-income property for older adults without family is based on the concept "...that sharing resources and aging in a community that balances privacy and social interaction will help older adults without traditional family support systems reduce their housing costs, maintain their independence, and preserve their physical well-being and cognitive health." 
White, the project's founder, aims to create space for the feeling of independence alongside the opportunity for community care. With the shared communal space, utilities and other cost-saving features, NUUage is yet another example of a return of Western culture to communal living to make a dent in the mounting housing crisis and the isolation of older adults.
Better Together
People facing the trifecta of a housing crisis, caregiving, and feelings of isolation may be unsure about their future. Retirement planning may now include the globally-common models of coliving as viable options for millions of people living in the United States. 
Aging in a community with care in mind has both concrete and intangible benefits that will lead to improved health outcomes. If independence is the ultimate goal, may all roads lead through interdependence. It may take a few more generations to weave caregiving and intergenerational co-living into the daily lives of aging people and their family caregivers. 
However, it may be just the solution to end the crises of unattainable housing, indescribable loneliness and challenging caregiving, replacing them with stable homing, tangible belonging and easeful caring.


Companioned Isolation: The Untold Story of Caregiving, Housing and Loneliness

Aisha Adkins

"There is always two-way learning that can happen between folks of different age groups," says Steven Balbo, a 26-year-old data analyst living in Littleton, Colorado.
Cliff Shaffran, 89, a recently retired consultant, and Steven Balbo, 26, a data analyst, were matched in Generations Exchange, a program designed to share knowledge between generations.Last year, after completing his masters in economics, Balbo was looking for volunteer opportunities online when he came across Generation Exchange, a workshop series that brings college students together with older adults in the community to learn from each other.
During the first hour, the young people, called "mentors," answer questions their older colleagues have about technology. During the second hour, the older people, called "mentees," answer questions the students have about life.
"He was extremely smart but, more than that, he did things with heart."
Balbo sparked to the idea. "It was right in my wheelhouse," he says. "I enjoyed teaching my grandparents how to use their iPads, so I thought I'd enjoy doing that for a stranger, too."
He was matched with Cliff Shaffran, 89, who had recently retired after running a successful consulting business called Q3 Global and co-authoring the book "Your Mind at Work." At the time, Shaffran wanted advice on how to avoid internet scams targeting older adults and says he was lucky to be paired with Balbo.
"Steven didn't just tell me how to do something," Shaffran reflects. "He stayed with me until he could tell that I fully understood. He was extremely smart but, more than that, he did things with heart. I could tell he was mature beyond his age, so when he asked me things about business I knew I could talk to him on multiple levels."
Balbo says the professional advice he received from Shaffran has been invaluable. "I had just started my first job out of school and often felt overwhelmed," Balbo recalls. "Cliff taught me about the importance of communicating in meetings and how to present and collaborate. I lead a daily meeting and, with Cliff's help, I was able to break down what information I needed to share and use the time more effectively."
An Idea Is Born
This kind of reciprocity is baked into Generation Exchange workshops, which were launched by Matt Isola at the University of Colorado in 2018. Still a student at the time, Isola got the idea after a teacher assigned students to "pick a social problem and design a solution for it."
Isola recalled a profound experience he'd had helping Ted, a friend of his grandfather. A 94-year-old former elementary school teacher, Ted had macular degeneration that made it difficult for him to see.
"I thought I was going over there to help him, but he helped me 10 times more with life."
Isola uploaded Ted's contacts to a new iPad and taught him how to use FaceTime. Ted was able to connect with people in his life on a giant screen and see their faces more easily than he could in real life. "He was laughing and swearing and we were having such a great time," recalls Isola.
The two FaceTimed every Sunday until Ted passed away a few years later.
"I unlocked a mentor that day," Isola says. "I thought I was going over there to help him, but he helped me 10 times more with life. He affirmed that I was capable of having a transformative impact and he built my confidence. He was instrumental in supporting me to start Generation Exchange."
To date, more than 2,000 people have attended Generation Exchange workshops, and the program has partnered with other nearby colleges to host them, including Colorado State University in Fort Collins and the University of Denver. Isola wants to bring Generation Exchange workshops to college campuses all over the country.
Other Bridges Across Generations
Isola's not the only one who sees campuses as ripe for programs that forge intergenerational bonds. Other such programs include:
Dance Generators, an intergenerational dance company housed at the University of San Francisco that uses dance to shatter stereotypes about aging and bridge generational divides.Writers Room at Drexel University in Philadelphia, a program that connects students with alumni, faculty and community members to create art for social justice.HomeShare OC in Southern California, a co-housing program that matches college students struggling to afford the cost of housing with older homeowners who have a spare room available to rent.These efforts, and many others like them, move away from age-segregated solutions to approaches that leverage each generation's strengths to break down age bias, create connections, ease loneliness and strengthen community.
Those benefits are still unfolding for Shaffran and Balbo, who is planning a YouTube tutorial session for his friend. "YouTube is a great tool to teach you how to learn," says Balbo. "I use it all the time and see how beneficial it is. I want Cliff to be able to use it, too. That's rewarding for me, to pass my knowledge along to someone else."
When asked what he'd say to other older adults considering attending a Generation Exchange workshop, Shaffran says, "You'd be mad if you don't."


Bridging the Generations

Sarah McKinney Gibson

It took the excruciatingly painful estrangement in my relationship with my adult daughter to realize I'd been masquerading meddling as concern. The first time I recognized it as meddling was when I witnessed a woman advising her adult married son. "That's meddling!" I declared to my inner self, feeling somewhat smug that I didn't meddle in the lives of my adult children. 
"I eventually saw that behind my well-meaning desire to be more a part of my daughter's life than my mother had been with me, I'd also been grooming her to be my BFF."My fall from grace began with the marriage of our son and the realization that much of his life a thousand miles from our home would have little to do with me. Mourning the change in our relationship led a dear friend to share a September 27, 2021 article on the Ramsey Solutions website about mother-son separation. It quoted parenting expert and pediatrician, Meg Meeker, M.D.  
She uncharacteristically turned down my invitations to go to lunch, on shopping trips or to visit relatives, things I thought we had both enjoyed together. 
"Why is the mother-son separation so important? The reason it's really important is that you have to break from your son and let him know he doesn't need you. That's very hard for mothers to do, because our whole lives are spent wanting to believe our kids need us. But that's the worst thing you can do for a son. A man who feels that his mother needs him (and he needs her) is a man who will have a difficult time cleaving to his wife and enjoying a good marriage relationship. And a mom should never get between her son and his wife." 
Although that was a tough pill to swallow, I wanted no part in making it difficult for my son and daughter-in-law to enjoy a good marriage.
While I struggled with my new identity in relationship to my son, our adult daughter was pulling away from the very close relationship I had nurtured with her since she was a child. She uncharacteristically turned down my invitations to go to lunch, on shopping trips or to visit relatives, things I thought we had both enjoyed together. Now she rarely called me on the phone just to chat. 
Feeling Unappreciated 
At first I felt confused, then unappreciated and mistreated. There were many failed attempts to get her to be the person she had been before she began pulling away. I spent considerable time wallowing in self-pity before I recognized that was an exercise in futility. Why didn't I just talk to her about it? 
Have I mentioned that I have made stuffing feelings a fine art?
Have I mentioned that I have made stuffing feelings a fine art? I hoped the problem would just resolve itself. Other talks I'd had with my daughter (that I know now were meddlesome on my part) had not gone well. When I talked to a wise friend about it, she suggested I focus on my behavior, rather than that of my daughter. 
One day while searching the Next Avenue website, I saw a reference to the book, "Reluctantly Related Revisited" by Deanna Brann, Ph.D. While not looking for it, I came across a chapter called, "Daughters Who Don't Grow up." That chapter had a lot of me in it. 
I eventually saw that behind my well-meaning desire to be more a part of my daughter's life than my mother had been with me, I'd also been grooming her to be my BFF. 
Brann writes that in a too-close relationship, which thwarts the growing up process, "mothers of daughters need to find other areas where they can get these needs met." 
Or better yet, they need to find a sense of identity that better fits where they are at this point in their lives. "Their role as mother — as the caretaker and nurturer — needs to change as their daughters mature and grow into the women they were meant to be," according to Brann. 
Time to 'Get a Life' 
That meant I had to get a life. I started a writers' group at the library, joined an older adults' fitness class, pursued lunch dates with other women and started a blog. I had to do these things not so that my daughter returned to me, but because I decided to have a good life, no matter what.
As hard as I thought it was for me, maybe it was hard for her, too? 
During what I initially thought was an unhealthy pulling away, I watched my daughter choose a different career path, without my consultation. I've watched her date and become engaged to a wonderful man, without my consultation. Brann states that "pulling away from a too-close relationship with your mother allows for other relationships to form and flourish." 
Brann also writes that if the mother doesn't initiate this pulling away, the daughter should. As hard as I thought it was for me, maybe it was hard for her, too? 
Fast forward 3 years, and my daughter now invites me to walk with her most every week. No matter where our walk takes us, we strive to keep pace with each other. I now try to serve as a sounding board for my daughter. Advice is not given, unless requested. 
As Greek philosopher Epictetus is quoted, "We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak." And so we walk side-by-side, two women sharing their worlds, just like the grownups we are.


A Meddling Mom Grows Up

Eileen Nimm

"How's my girl?" 
It was a casual lunch hour text to my 23-year-old, one I'd sent countless times before. I was anticipating a cheery reply that all was good, or perhaps a request for money, as she sorted through the new excitement and responsibilities of living on her own. 
But her response that day shifted the ground beneath me.  
"'I'm sorry honey,' I texted back. 'This is new to me, but I'll get better at it.'""Mom ... I'm not a she, remember? I'm nonbinary. My pronouns are they/them. When you don't use my pronouns, it makes me feel as if you're not seeing me for who I am." 
""Mom ... I'm not a she, remember? I'm nonbinary."
I had learned of their new gender status during a quiet after-work walk through Greenwich Village, only a few blocks away from my office and subway ride from Brooklyn, where my child had recently moved and was launching a new post-collegiate life as a musician. I had listened well, or so I thought, but I left that conversation believing that the new pronouns were optional. Clearly, I'd gotten it wrong. Or only heard what my heart could let in at the time. 
"I'm sorry honey," I texted back. "This is new to me, but I'll get better at it."  
I turned to my computer and tried to focus on my afternoon to-dos, but I knew that the change would not be easy. And I was right. Weeks went by, and my heart still fought a battle with my head every time I spoke to them, texted them, or mentioned them in conversation. 
My sense of loss, for the daughter I thought I knew, made shifting to neutral pronouns emotionally challenging, and lifelong hardwiring made the pronoun change a hard hurdle to clear. Despite my best intentions, a gendered pronoun left my lips before my brain had the chance to translate. 
Meanwhile, news outlets, bloggers and pundits were having their own brand of difficulty with gender neutrality: "Just a lot of nonsense, a phase, entitled kids who want to be special, or who have mental health issues." As for the pronouns? "Offensive, amoral, or just plain awkward."
My sense of loss, for the daughter I thought I knew, made shifting to neutral pronouns emotionally challenging.
I knew my child, and they were healthy. And I knew this was no phase. They had been rejecting gender norms since toddlerhood. "A classic tomboy," my friends would say, but I knew it went further than their refusal to wear a dress. There had always been something just under the surface that whispered, "I'm not a girl."    
That said, I could agree that the generational sea change around gender and identity felt cataclysmic, and for a straight, cisgender, 63-year-old woman, about as natural as a rip current.  
But the arbiters and grammarians could spit out opinions all day long without repercussions. My nonbinary child told me misgendering hurt. My insides might be wistful, and the pronoun change might grate, but they needed an ally in their mother.  
And so, I practiced. I got my husband, their stepfather, to practice, and we practiced together. It was tricky. We made mistakes. We apologized. A lot. But eventually, the new reference became second nature, and we began using their new pronouns with relative ease.   
Enlisting the Support of Friends and Family 
We kept our discussions with friends and family short and matter of fact: our child now identifies as nonbinary, which means they don't identify as a woman (or as a man), they use gender neutral pronouns, and they ask that we respect them by not misgendering them. We were invariably met with quizzical frowns, pursed lips, and bewildered squints as if we had launched into a discussion of quantum physics.  
"What?!," was generally the first question, but clearly not one in search of an answer, followed by  eyerolls, brow furrowing, and disapproving scowls.  
Some said the pronouns were "too ridiculous" to take seriously. Just kids, they said — presumably including mine — who were simply confused, unwell, or attention-seeking. Others assured me that while they wholly supported LGBTQ rights, they drew a hard line at "destroying the language."    
My husband figured they would eventually come around. Nonbinary and transgender people were becoming more visible, with celebrity announcements of gender and pronoun changes — the singer Sam Smith and actor Elliott Page among them — elevating awareness. But he was wrong. The people in our lives, all in their 60s and 70s, would not budge.  
"Regardless of whether we understand, what matters is that they need us to see them, to hear them, to respect them and how they want to be called."
The parents in my monthly Zoom support group told me to stand my ground. Remind everyone in my circle just how important this issue is to genderqueer people.  
"Regardless of whether we understand, what matters is that they need us to see them, to hear them, to respect them and how they want to be called. If people can't bring themselves to try, then it might be time to make new friends."
I followed the group's recommendation, doing what any good parent would do. Everyone listened attentively. They smiled sympathetically when I shared that yes, it had taken time for me to adjust emotionally, and challenging to get the pronouns right. They nodded as I told them that even so, a tiny word was insignificant when compared to the impact that using it correctly would have on my child and other genderqueer people. And I thanked them, in advance, for making an earnest effort.  
And nothing changed. We would say "our child," and our friends would say "your daughter."  We would say "them," and family would say "she," and express their puzzlement. "They who? I thought we're talking about your daughter."   
My support group voiced outrage. "A lack of respect," they said, "for your child and for you. Transphobic and unacceptable. Deeply unfortunate. Time to reconsider those relationships."   
Embracing the Contradictions
The next month was punctuated with a series of spontaneous monologues and role-plays performed at my bathroom mirror or on solo drives to the grocery store in preparation for my announcement that if they couldn't accept more than two genders, then at the least, they could use my child's correct pronoun. They had surely done harder things in their long lives. We all had.   
But when my performance was ready to move beyond the mirror, I froze. My heart held an incalculable love for my child, and the intransigence of friends and family hurt. But my days were also threaded with the caring and connection of these people, and delivering an ultimatum that could weaken bonds that had the power to hold me up, to bring joy, pressed against my chest like an ice-cold wind.   
My heart held an incalculable love for my child, and the intransigence of friends and family hurt.
I could dispatch the lot of them as unyielding and dismissive. I could correct them repeatedly, injecting our relationships with constant frissons of discomfiture and tension. Or I could embrace the totality of my messy, unruly experience — a queer, nonbinary child I love beyond measure, and a cadre of caring friends and relatives who, at least right now can't, or refuse, to join me in acknowledging that the cultural ground on gender is shifting in ways that bewilder, maybe even anger, but that are happening despite opinions and attitudes. 
That new ground has broken at my doorstep, bringing with it a new path that, for now, I must embark on without my support system. I often lose my footing and at times, I lose my way. But having my child's trust that I embrace who they are, and their confidence in my unshakeable love, makes living in the center of this seismic upheaval the only place for me to be. My hope is that one day the others will meet me here.


Loving My Kid, Their Pronouns and My Non-Affirming Friends 

Patricia Garrison

This is the second of two Next Avenue articles about preparing for a smooth transfer of your estate to your heirs. The first article is "3 Ways to Help Your Heirs Avoid Probate."My heart was shattered last year when I lost my mother.
From left, Margie Zable Fisher, with her mother, Rona Zable, who died recently.Luckily, she did an exceptional job overall making my inheritance process as easy as possible, but there were some ways that the experience could have been less stressful.
In the first article on this subject, I shared some expert tips on avoiding probate, which is one way to make your heirs' inheritance process much easier.
Here are six more ways to help your heirs have a painless inheritance experience.
1. Keep a List of Passwords for Everything Tech
We keep a lot of important information in our cellphones, computers, online accounts, tablets and other technology. When you pass away, your heirs will need access to that information, which means they will need your passwords and pin numbers — not just for your hardware but things like pensions, bank accounts and investment statements. Don't forget social media usernames and passwords.
"Certain tech companies require the executor of the estate to go to court to obtain a specific order to access passwords, which can cost thousands of dollars."
These should be kept somewhere safe, but where your spouse or other trusted individual can find them, says Tracy A. Craig, Partner and Chair of Trusts and Estates Practice Group at Seder & Chandler, LLP, in Worcester, Massachusetts. "Without these, it may be impossible to gain access to said devices and accounts. Certain tech companies require the executor of the estate to go to court to obtain a specific order to access passwords, which can cost thousands of dollars. I've had clients who needed to go to court to obtain an Apple password and it cost $5,000 in fees to do this."
One idea: some technology companies, including Facebook and Google, allow you to name an individual to access an account after you pass or haven't used the account for a certain period of time. You can also explore this option with other companies where you hold accounts.
2. Make a List of All Assets and Accounts, with Contacts
At first, this might seem like a monumental task, but it's crucial for your estate planning. My mother typed these out in a document, and I use a spreadsheet. Make sure to include:
Investment accounts, including checking and savings accounts, CDs, 401Ks and other retirement accounts, brokerage accounts, and mutual funds.Places where you pay bills, including credit cards, electric, water, and health insurance.Other assets, including your car, life insurance and the property you own.3. Put Everything in One Place
"At least a few times a month our office will receive a call from a grieving heir who doesn't have any idea where the recently deceased's estate planning documents are, who services their financial accounts, or how to access these accounts," says Scott Glatstian, an estate planning attorney at Rosenblum Law in Clifton, New Jersey.
"These are people who didn't even create a plan with us," he adds, "they're just hoping there's some sort of resource available to provide this information, but there isn't. Anyone in this position is going to have to scour the home of the deceased and hope to find what they are looking for."
To prevent this from happening, keep your list and paperwork in a safe or waterproof and fireproof container at home. My mom used a Suze Orman Protection Portfolio, which my husband and I now use for our paper documents. It's also a wonderful way to keep your financial house in order while you're still alive. Here are some typical items to include:
List of assets and accounts.List of passwords.Estate planning documents, including a living will, will, trusts, financial power of attorney and health proxies.Prepaid funeral expenses, including burial plot deeds, coffin purchases, funeral services and prepaid cremation plans.Life and car insurance policies.Birth and marriage certificate.Divorce decree.Prenuptial agreement.Adoption papers.Work permit and citizenship papers.Social Security card.Copies of your driver's license and medical insurance card.Titles to any physical assets, including cars and property.Most recent tax return.4. Convert Paper Treasury Bonds to Electronic Holdings
My mom made some smart I Bond purchases long ago that provided exceptional returns. She often delighted in telling me how excited she was to leave them to me. Maybe you made some smart bond investments and are looking forward to leaving them to your heirs, too. But Mom (and you) would probably be horrified to learn how difficult it is to redeem paper I Bonds.
Many banks have stopped cashing bonds, as detailed in a recent New York Times article. I thought I was lucky that my bank was willing to cash the bonds, but the manager said I would have to fill out all of the information on the back of each bond. With a large pile of bonds, I thought it would be easier to just send the whole lot of them directly to the Treasury to be redeemed. I was wrong. The process is not easy and requires a leap of faith.
I had to create an online Treasury account, input each bond's serial number, and then send in the paper bonds with a form to the Treasury. I received an email confirmation that my paperwork was received, with the following timelines:
Cases requesting to cash your savings bonds held in your name would require at least seven weeks.Claims for missing, lost, or stolen bonds would take at least six months.In all other cases, do not expect a resolution for at least 20 weeks.My paper bonds were all converted to electronic holdings and/or redeemed and sent to my bank account within the time period. But the Treasury Direct site is confusing, and I still had to email and call support to find out that everything had been done.
5. Plan for Unforeseen Health and Financial Issues
Before your heirs inherit your estate, they may need to help you make health and financial decisions while you're alive, especially if you've had a stroke, car accident or other major health problem.
You can create three legal documents to make this process much easier: a living will (which details whether or not you want anyone to take heroic measures to prolong your life); a durable health care power of attorney, also known as a health proxy (which designates someone to make health care decisions for you if you are unable to); and a financial power of attorney (which authorizes someone to make financial decisions for you).
"If the finances of the person experiencing the emergency are not tended to while they are out of commission, they may be stuck with a huge financial mess of late bills, missed insurance premiums, angry tenants or a host of other issues that could have been avoided with proper planning."
Without a financial power of attorney, says Glatstian, "if the finances of the person experiencing the emergency are not tended to while they are out of commission, they may be stuck with a huge financial mess of late bills, missed insurance premiums, angry tenants or a host of other issues that could have been avoided with proper planning."
Without the health care surrogate documents, families are tasked with trying to make difficult health care decisions in emotionally stressful situations.
If these documents are not in place, your family may need to go to court to manage your health care decisions (usually called guardianship) or your financial (usually called conservatorship). "The court process to obtain these appointments is invasive, requires medical information and costs many thousands of dollars," says Craig. "I've been involved in cases where incapacitated individuals did not have a durable power of attorney. The amount of fees these cases cost can be staggering — tens of thousands over a period of years."
In addition, courts can appoint third-party attorneys to review matters, adding cost, time and family stress, and may require the conservator to post a corporate surety bond (an insurance policy in case the conservator steals or makes a mistake).
6. Put Your Burial Wishes in Writing
"I once had a family fight over a burial because the last wishes were not in writing," says Craig. "I had another case where the decedent committed suicide but had put his cremation wishes in writing. This allowed the cremation to take place even though the family was not in favor of it." To prevent these arguments, include your burial wishes in your will.


6 Ways to Save Your Heirs from a Painful Probate

Margie Zable Fisher

In case you can or can't tell by looking at me, I am officially on Medicare. Starting on the first day of the new year, my new global catchphrase became: "Do you take Medicare?"
"One day you're 64, and health care emails are as gruff and unforgiving as anyone reading this rant has probably experienced. A day later, as you start planning for the big 6-5, all these sites suddenly want to hold your hand while you're crossing the street.""Why, yes, we do," squeak the millions of ads that have saturated my news feeds, social media and mailbox every day for a year now. It's almost as though this rollout prior to one's 65th birthday is on some kind of government timer, because it is! But hey, bring on the discounts, the reduced-fare MetroCard, plus the free psychological shrinkage after a $200 annual deductible — I earned that prize.
Click here, the emails say, if you want to know how you're doing this whole aging thing all wrong. . . .
However, is it possible that the Medicare team could revisit and contemporize their email copy, which presents as dated, tired and a bit gray-speak condescending. Tonally the writing style strokes the hair very gently, but content-wise it reads as a ticking bomb of the eight-to-ten subtle signs of impending death that apparently are being ignored. Click here, the emails say, if you want to know how you're doing this whole aging thing all wrong. . . .
Additionally, thematically, there's a lot of conceptual "trust" being bandied about as well. As in, "Dear So and So, we're honored to be on this Medicare journey with you as we understand this important relationship is all about trust." Well darn, there are only a few coverage options to choose from, so maybe it's about trust that we chose the least offensive and most cooperative one.
"Take your time," they say.
Don't mind if I do!
One day you're 64, and health care emails are as gruff and unforgiving as anyone reading this rant has probably experienced. A day later, as you start planning for the big 6-5, all these sites suddenly want to hold your hand while you're crossing the street.
Is this why there are parties for the momentous day, sending you off to the misty Medicare moonlight because now someone has to hold your hand for the rest of your journey?
Is this why there are parties for the momentous day, like a farewell gift, sending you off to the misty Medicare moonlight because now someone has to hold your hand for the rest of your journey?
I am aware that the hand-holding might be useful one day, but I doubt any Medicare copywriter will guide me personally to the other side of the road, unless I'm headed toward an off-ramp, so to speak.
Enroll Now or Suffer Forever
Further, this whole Medicare shebang is not free, which I didn't realize, and don't know why I didn't, so there's that story hole to fill.
Also, the government wants you to be on medication. You must put yourself on a prescription plan or you'll be penalized for all eternity. And isn't that what this Medicare stuff is about anyway, taking you to the finish line?
Even if you currently require no daily medication, there's no reward or kudos for that; in fact, you have to pay regardless. They're just saying the loud part quietly, that you will need it one day, and they "trust" you'll want to buy those products via them at a reduced rate.
Oh, and that oh-so-hilarious AARP status, the symbolic butt of the standard old-age joke, they're actually not making funny. They sell insurance. Or there is Medicare insurance with their name on it. Which happens to be the most comprehensive plan for everything that you pay for, which I thought would be free, which is not covered. Wait, what. . . ? Supposedly. We'll see.
Because ultimately, you'll step away from the computer and the boomer live TV and all the advertising that comes in the mail and on your feeds, and you'll figure out the maze that is the sign-up process, which by the way, you probably will need someone to hold your hand through.
My moodiness with this Medicare business might just be because it's ringing true.
You'll reenter the world as someone who stepped over the threshold of 65, and thank goodness for that. If it seemed impossible to be any more invisible than you once were as a middle-aged woman, think again. There are so many new roads to uncover.
Whether you're in a line at the grocery store and you're pushed to the side or can't see over the fish counter because you've always been short, but now you're shorter. Or you're draped at the corner bar, drinking beer, eating forbidden French fries, listening in on barstool conversations that mirror pieces of the lives you've lived in the past, say, for 65 years. Some of these people are old, like you. I mean, me.
Never mind the projections though, the confusing emails, the unwoke language, the societal woes related to aging. You can bounce those inaccuracies right back to their sender, especially if it happens to be you. Which is what I've learned throughout this process, that my moodiness with this Medicare business might just be because it's ringing true.
You can't pay for fries with Medicare, though. I've asked.


‘Do You Take Medicare?’

Jenny Klion

"Relying on my son to do all things tech for me has been easier. But I have observed his process so I can steal a few of his tricks."My tech-savvy eldest son, 25, moved out, and with him went my nearly 24/7 tech support.  
Okay, some days he did not wake until 11 a.m. and he stayed out way later than my 10 p.m. bedtime but besides that he was basically on-call. We worked remotely side-by-side in my home office for several years around the pandemic. I, a 54-year-old single woman, had become used to him solving all my technology- and home-related issues post haste.  
As he prepared for his new apartment three hours away, I realized my mistake. 
My tech-savvy eldest son, 25, moved out, and with him went my nearly 24/7 tech support.  
"I won't even be able to turn on the TV without you," I joked. But not really, as our television with a sound bar and a multitude of remotes with cable TV, and several services accessible available through streaming sticks and an Xbox game controller, really did confuse me. 
"You'll be fine," he said with a smile and wave of his hand. 
For the record, I have two adult sons, yet one is much more patient with me when it comes to tech. Before his abandonment — I mean departure — The Patient One showed me how to operate the tv and back up my computer among other daily dilemmas. Notes were taken and then nothing could be moved. Lest I forget the exact order of operations. This harkened me back to algebra class. 
I was not good with that either.  
The Trouble Starts
The Patient One had been gone a week, and a multitude of issues cropped up: descaling the Keurig  (a mystery even though he walked me through it twice before), an issue with the air conditioner, used car troubles, employing the Preview work-around for scanning a document since the printer's scanner is broken, etc.  
"What is wrong with me? Seriously, how had I grown this dependent?"  
A feeling of helplessness enveloped me. "Why are these things so vexing?" And then came anger with myself: "What is wrong with me? Seriously, how had I grown this dependent on him?"  
Then I took a breath and reminded myself I was, after all, the one to teach my children lots of things, like talking, and reading and riding bicycles. For years, we vacationed in cities where I showed them how to navigate airports, use the subway and efficiently travel the streets to hit all the best local sites. I helped them prepare for college and filled out the forsaken FAFSA forms.  
Now he and my second son, 23, smirk when it takes me too long to open the camera on my iPhone. 
Change Is Constant
Gen Y and Z-ers have grown up with technology of gaming systems, flip and then smart phones, computers at school, and remote-controlled robotic toys. Often, they approach technology intuitively. In contrast, many of my generation learned to type in a required high school typing class and first used a computer in a college lab with "video display terminals".  
My youngest, devoid of his brother's diplomacy, huffs when I ask him to remind me of a shortcut on my phone.  
"I showed you once already."  
 I become filled with trepidation when things are new and unknown.
Other times when we get a new device, he proceeds to push all the buttons randomly until it turns on. He is not afraid that he will break something as I and my older friends frequently fear. "This is how my generation learned how things work," he said with a smile. (Honestly though, he is also the Expensive Child and has broken things through the years using this method.) 
I, on the other hand, am so afraid of crashing my computer or halting an expensive appliance from working, I become filled with trepidation when things are new and unknown.  
Helping Myself
It is time to get real with my impatient self. I reflect on what is really going on. Relying on my son to do all things tech for me has been easier. But I have observed his process so I can steal a few of his tricks. A technology native, he also relies on Google, YouTube, Reddit or other forums where people list a problem to crowdsource possible solutions from other users. I can do these things, too. 
It is time to get real with my impatient self.
I run through all these options — even googling the lost manuals for older appliances — before calling for help. Recently the black hole of the YouTube video platform sucked me in and I watched about 7 videos on how to operate the 10 settings on my new German-engineered dishwasher. Now I know how to switch between the 60-minute "speed cycle" and the auto, sanitizing, air-drying 3:48 minute marathon cycle. 
I also solved other conundrums: YouTube viewing elucidated the Keurig problem and the scanning vexation; used car issues were troubleshot using Google, Reddit and a Honda forum to narrow down the issue (and approximate cost) before calling the mechanic. 
Full Exposure: Remote Access
Online research can get you only so far. Sometimes more help is needed. The Patient One knew this. Before he moved out, he mentioned, "A friend of mine set himself up with remote access to his mom's computer."  
I was familiar with the concept because IT people from my remote job do this to update my work computer on occasion.  
"Sounds like a good idea," I replied. 
Yet, I hadn't fully realized what this meant. During one of his visits, a computer issue arose. He sat down at my desk, grabbed my phone, and held it up to his face, accessing 2-step authorization.  
"Since when can you open my phone with your face and view all the contents of my phone?" I said. 
"You can't have it both ways, Mom, either you want my help, or you don't," he said with a chuckle.   
I am fortified by the research that shows that part of aging with vitality is tackling and staying open to new experiences.
Over this past year, The Patient One has on several occasions remoted in to rectify a problem (for which I am immensely grateful). Once when I upgraded to the new Microsoft Outlook all my emails disappeared. I called in a panic. They held important information I could not lose.  
"The emails are still on the server, Mom," he replied drolly before reimporting them.  
Mostly, though, I try to fix things on my own first. I am fortified by the research that shows that part of aging with vitality is tackling and staying open to new experiences. My 70-year-old mother used to call my father "the gadget guy" and roll her eyes at the cost attached to his next-generation iPad or latest computer system. But Dad, inspired by innovation, was the embodiment of curiosity and a staunch advocate of lifelong self-education. He kept learning things from the internet and his grandchildren until the day he died.  
Becoming curious, less fearful and more patient with myself has allowed me to be more at peace with technology. After all, I am fortunate to have the means to have these devices in my life, and I am smart enough to figure them out or ask for help. While I can't fix every problem, I am doing much better and feel proud that I call The Patient One much less for tech support and instead to just check in and see how he is doing. 
When You Need Help
If you need more tech help several options are available: 
Go to the source directly. “When it comes to tech support, the safest bets are usually the support helplines that the company or manufacturer provides to avoid scams,” said Jack Vivian, chief technology officer at Increditools. “Microsoft and Apple both have dedicated channels to assist users when they deal with problems. They have the knowledge and the expertise to assist users step-by-step through the troubleshooting process. Stay patient and clearly communicate the problem. There is nothing wrong with seeking assistance and there is no such thing as a stupid question.” Sign up for some free online tutorials and courses.Make an appointment with Best Buy or Apple Genius Bar or get a referral from friends for a local IT shop. Reach out to in-home services, like Geek Squad, Geeks On Site, or TaskRabbit. Subscribe to a home tech subscription service plan, such as Candoo Tech.  Check with the Better Business Bureau website before committing. “Always be cautious of sharing your personal information online or granting remote access to unknown users. Choose reputable providers and read customer reviews before deciding on the options available,” said Bobby Lawson, technology editor/publisher at EarthWeb. Leverage community resources — libraries, senior centers, or local workshops — offering classes or volunteer programs connecting seniors with tech-savvy individuals, according to Arnaud Kuhlein, founder and chief executive officer, seoocean.ai Look into Older Adults Technology Services (OATS), an initiative for support, education and resources. “My uncle, in his sixties, has been able to visit one of their in-person technology centers. Not only did it increase his confidence, but it also gave him the opportunity to connect with other people who were his age, and on a similar journey,” explained Alex Mastin, business expert and founder of HomeGrounds. “OATS helped him to let go of some of the shame he felt for struggling, as he realized there were many others in the same position. He has joined their digital community, which gives him an incentive to get online and engage with technology.”  

Where Has My Tech Support Gone?

Lisa B. Samalonis

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