Are You Bullying Your Aging Parents?
How to navigate the fine line between stepping in and overstepping your bounds
Linda Bernstein has written hundreds of articles for dozens of magazines and newspapers, writes the blog GenerationBsquared and teaches social media at the Columbia University School of Journalism.
Everyone’s circumstances and family dynamics are different, of course, but there are certain commonalities. Chief among them is how to provide help, support and comfort while respecting our parents’ intellect and abilities. Even as the roles shift, they’re still our parents, and no matter how wise or experienced we are, to them, we'll always be "the kids."
“As our parents age and need more and more help, it’s natural to want to lend a hand,” says Brian D. Carpenter, an associate professor of psychology at Washington University in St. Louis, who studies “later in life” family relationships. “But when you get involved, you need to make sure that you don't become domineering.
“Seniors who feel like their children are trying to take over their lives get resentful and angry — and as a result often disregard their help just to spite them or assert their independence."
This is why it's important that as our parents age and do start to lose some of their abilities, we stay aware of how we're communicating with them. Nothing presses our buttons more than family, and for many of us with unresolved childhood issues, like anger, jealousy, disempowerment or resentment, without that watchful eye it can be easy to slip into unconscious behavior patterns like bullying.
While this kind of behavior feels most inappropriate with our parents (our elders!), being respectful and mindful of boundaries are actually the cornerstones of all healthy relationships. So it behooves us, when we want to get someone close to us to consider a new approach or solution, to consider their feelings and potential reactions and to let sensitivity and kindness guide our actions.
(MORE: 10 Outrageous Things Adult Kids Should Never Say to Us — but Do Anyway)
Stepping Up vs. Overstepping Boundaries
So where exactly is the line between being “helpful” and turning into a bully? Christina Steinorth, a Santa Barbara psychotherapist who specializes in baby boomer/older parent relationships and is the author of Cue Cards for Life, cautions: “Sometimes when you do what you feel is needed — arrange a doctor appointment, suggest grab bars — your parents will resent your good advice. People have a fierce desire to remain independent, often even though they really do need assistance.”
Add to that the difficulty of accepting the shifting reality of who is now caring for whom. This can be more difficult for our parents to accept because they often view it as “losing power” to their children.
A big part of striking the right balance has to do with how we speak and act. It’s imperative that we show respect, not attempt to force our will, and to make everything a negotiation (or at least offer options). And we need to pick our battles. “Let your parents do as much as they can and don’t sweat the small stuff,” Steinorth says. “This way, when you have to focus on the important things, like health, finances and safety, you’re less likely to meet opposition.”
More effective than making demands or giving orders, Carpenter says, is making suggestions. “Ask questions about how they feel and what they need,” he suggests. If parents don’t feel infantilized or pushed into situations, they’re more likely to be open to solutions you work out together.
5 Things Adult Children and Parents Fight About
It boils down to this, Carpenter says: “If you think your parents can do something by themselves, let them. But if they — or someone else — could be harmed, don’t feel guilty about getting involved.” Most seniors who are slipping a bit are lucid enough to recognize their new limitations. “They’re often scared,” Steinorth says, “and they’re looking for someone they trust to make things easier for them.” And that someone should be you.
Here are five of the big issues that are likely to come up, plus suggestions for avoiding conflict.
Why it’s an issue Nothing gives people a greater sense of independence than driving. A car gets them where they want to go when they want to go. Yet in the hands of someone with physical or cognitive limitations, an automobile can become a lethal weapon.
How to handle Before you insist your parent hand over the keys, try to negotiate ways she can drive her car less frequently — perhaps only locally and in the daylight. Elderly people who have become nervous drivers and don’t feel they have to put up a fight often discover they actually prefer not being in the driver’s seat.
(MORE: Taking Away an Older Driver's Keys)
Why it’s an issue In addition to the larger issue of unethical financial advisers or home health-care workers, seniors are often targets of scams that want to part them from their money. But even legitimate companies can be problematic. Whereas we can usually guiltlessly recycle all those lovely brochures from do-gooder nonprofits, a civic-minded (or bored) senior might spend hours reading every word then feel compelled to make a donation he can’t necessarily afford. (Or because these things come so often, forget he has already contributed.)
How to handle In the best of all worlds, parents would open their checkbooks and show us their credit card statements. But if they’re unwilling and you try to force the issue, they might accuse you of meddling. When there’s no evidence of a problem, it’s better to just offer help — like balancing a checkbook or organizing financial documents — which will give you a peek into the bigger picture. Keep your antennae up for hints of trouble: their misplacing important papers or a single parent suddenly talking up a new Mr. Wonderful who has all sorts of exciting plans for the two of them.
If you suspect they are mismanaging their resources and they resist your involvement, tell them you need to call in a social worker. It might be easier for your parents to listen to a neutral third party, and a trained professional might have communication or coping strategies that you don't. (Find your local Department of Social Services by searching your state and social services.) “When there’s a danger of a parent being bilked,” Steinorth says, “do what you have to do and plan to live with the consequences.”
(MORE: Beware of Financial Advisers With Bogus Credentials)
3. Home Safety
Why it’s an issue People can be slow to accept their physical limitations. If they’ve always gotten in and out of the shower OK, why worry now? The answer is that we all have a problem projecting in the future, yet for people over 65, falls are the leading cause of injury and death. When a parent is having problems with gait or limb strength or has recently started using a walker or cane, it’s time to start the conversation.
How to handle Scare tactics go a long way. The image of lying alone, in grave pain, injured (or possibly dying) alone in the living might be enough to "put the fear of God" into a parent who's been blasé about such issues. One 85-year-old wouldn’t wear her life-alert pendant until she heard about someone who fell and waited several hours for the ambulance to arrive.
Most people will accept minor fixes, like rug tape or bathtub no-slip strips, so if you start with the little things (and build up to the larger ones), you won’t come off as oppressive. Tour your parents’ living areas using this checklist for common hazards. Things to watch for include wires, uneven floors, unsecured rugs or carpets, depressions or ruts in the driveway or lawn and excess clutter. Stay alert for signs a parent may have left a burner on, like a burnt pot or smoke marks on the ceiling. When visiting, do subtle things, like ask for a cup of coffee to see how well your parent manages the oven and other appliances.
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4. Doctors, Treatments and Medication
Why it’s an issue Seniors are not always forthcoming about their medical reports. Sometimes they haven’t completely understood what a doctor has said, or they could be deliberately withholding information they think will make them seem enfeebled or cause you to worry.
How to handle If your parent seems healthy, back off (but keep a watchful eye). If, however, you observe any symptoms or notice your parent is missing doctor appointments, getting confused with his medications and won’t let you help, call in a social worker or nurse. Tell your parent you are doing so. In a life-or-death matter, there’s no such thing as a bossy pants.
5. End-of-Life Planning
Why it’s an issue No one likes to think about this heaviest of all topics — and yet if people want their wishes heeded, important documents need to be in place: a power of attorney, a last will and testament, a living will, organ donation papers, funeral preferences and more.
(MORE: 'The Conversation' You Need to Have This Holiday Season)
How to handle You cannot force your parents to do any of these things or tell you where they keep the safety deposit box key. And this is one area where social services won’t step in. So if a parent gets angry when you broach the topic, print out articles for them to read or show them a YouTube video. Frame it in the most loving and supportive way, and remind them this is about their wishes. (If these things aren’t in order, the government steps in. That’s often a powerful enough negative motivator.)
For those of us in the sandwich generation, it’s important to keep things as positive as possible while we find ways to help our parents as they age. “Stop and think how you would want to be treated,’” Carpenter says. “What you’re doing — that’s what you’re going to get.” And if we’re lucky and set a good example, hopefully our own children won’t have such a fine line to walk.
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