5 Ways To Be a More Generous Friend

People crave strong friendships yet are out of practice. As a relationship-based therapist of over fifteen years, I have discovered that a key to having a generous friend is to be a more generous friend. Similar to other meaningful relationships, the more you invest in a caring relationship with someone who is also emotionally available, the greater the possible benefit. And generosity has been linked to higher levels of happiness. 

Realize you may be lacking effort in this area? That is human, and also workable. Over the past several years, as culture has shifted towards remote work and more limited social interaction in everyday life, most individuals now have a smaller circle of contacts. But there are huge benefits to leaning into friendship; it has been well-established to boost mood and overall well-being. 

One amazing component of human connection is that we can continue to grow and try new things. People aren't born altruistic or stingy; generosity is a learned trait. Like anything, gaining skills in this area takes practice.

Here are five ways to become a more generous friend:

There's enough hard stuff in life, so when something good happens, set aside any (common yet unhelpful) competitive impulses to cheer on a friend. Did a pal land a job promotion, have a baby or publish a manuscript? Or maybe there's a smaller, everyday gain to acknowledge, such as getting through a tough week. Be the friend who initiates a celebratory lunch, makes an effusive toast, or helps a friend feel cared for in a handwritten card. Whatever you do, mark an occasion — any occasion — by recognizing the wins. 

Being more present in person is a powerful way to show care. Have you ever received an invitation from a friend and wondered, does it really matter if I am there? The truth is that it does. A lot. Even though you may not want to drop by the open house or follow through on that coffee date you scheduled when you actually felt like leaving the house, go for it anyway.

I used to mistakenly believe that it wasn't a big deal whether or not I attended a friend's gathering, since there were other people invited, too. But then I realized how much people showing up mattered to me. Your friend will remember that you were there, which impacts the closeness of the relationship. 

What if we treated friends like extended family and invited them to holiday gatherings and even mundane tasks? Many people do not have the support they long for within their biological family and would savor more opportunities to gather. And regardless of family status, friends can add so much zest and camaraderie to life.

Need to exercise or run an errand? Ester Perel recommends pinging a friend to join in on the activities in everyday life — most ordinary events are more fun with a friend in tow. Instead of waiting for friends to organize a time to connect, reach out in a radically inclusive way. Extending an invitation demonstrates care and reinforces belonging. 

Keep up with what is going on with your friends — this enhances the bond and allows for more camaraderie. Call or text to let a buddy know that you are thinking of them wherever something big, or even not-so-big, happens in their lives. A few lines, such as, How was your first day at work? I hope some of your colleagues were welcoming! shows interest and reflects that you care enough to pay attention to the details of their experience. It could help your memory, too; frequent contact with friends has been associated with higher levels of executive functioning and cognition in older adults.

Introducing friends who click can be a powerful, enduring gift. It is also an act of trust, and a compliment to both parties. Last summer, Nina Badzin, who hosts the podcast, "Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship," connected me to a fellow writer who had also released a memoir. She dashed off a kind email saying that she thought we might hit it off. Jennifer and I quickly became writing buddies — now we routinely help edit each other's work, which has brought us both joy and creativity. Set-ups can be life changing, and not just in the realm of dating.

There are so many ways in daily life to show up for friends and truly connect. And friendship is like anything — putting more energy into these relationships generally grows and deepens the bonds. Especially when we stop waiting for friends to become the kind of friends we desire, and focus on acting in ways that demonstrate care. 

In today's world, most of us are bombarded by ever-present to-do lists and multiple responsibilities. If investing more in friendship feels overwhelming, start with one small act of kindness, such as making an overdue phone call or writing a card to thank a friend for something meaningful.

This generosity matters and it is something that you can initiate today. 

Emma Nadler is a psychotherapist, author, and speaker. In her private practice, she helps people better understand and tolerate emotions, build deeper relationships, and find meaning in life's challenges. Her memoir, "The Unlikely Village of Eden," is a funny and hopeful memoir about learning to adapt and accept when life doesn’t go to plan, redefining community, and creating your own imperfect path. Emma has also written for The Washington Post, Newsweek, and Business Insider, among others. To learn more, visit EmmaNadler.com Read More