A few days before Christmas in 2019, my 86-year-old mother became increasingly confused about why she could not get up from a hospital bed. Repeatedly, she asked me to tell her what had happened.
From right, Jaya Padmanabhan and her motherMy brother and I spent our days observing the medical staff at El Camino Hospital in Mountain View, California, as they administered frequent tests and even more regular doses of medicine to her. We took turns at night to sleep on a pullout chair-bed beside her.
My mother had been admitted to the hospital after a fall that caused multiple fractures to her pelvis. It was unclear precisely how many fractures. But looking at her scan results, one physician said he counted seven, and another mentioned three.
In the days that followed, my mother and I realized that our lives had changed significantly.
In the days that followed, my mother and I realized that our lives had changed significantly. She needed help, and taking care of her physical and emotional needs was now my responsibility.
Delrish Moss is a caregiver for his 75-year-old mother in Florida. Moss' mother first suffered a stroke when he was still serving as the police chief of Ferguson, Missouri. Moss left his job in Missouri in 2018 and went to Florida to care for his mother. He found his caregiving role "very humbling" and "outside of the training" he was used to.
In 2019, according to the National Alliance for Caregiving (NAC) and AARP, at least 38.9 million people — like Moss and me — provided informal and usually unpaid care and support to adults in the United States, and 73% of them were born between 1964 and 1928.
Moreover, as I came to realize, caregiving is an amorphous experience, which the 2020 Rosalynn Carter Institute for Caregivers report (RCI) identifies as "not defined by specific tasks or the amount of time spent." This makes it difficult for people to understand what's involved and how to navigate the emotional and physical labor involved.
The Initial Challenges
Both Moss and I had no warning that we would become caregivers. But as Moss put it, "nothing teaches like the doing." He had to learn to help his mom with daily tasks, take her on doctor's visits and assist her in dealing with her mental health issues. "It was a big learning curve," said Moss.
His mom had to learn to accept his help, even bathing and dressing. "She was a bit shy, a bit appalled. But we got through it," he said. The biggest challenge for Moss was helping his mom reconcile to the new realities. 
"My mother displayed a lack of awareness of the permanence of her condition," Moss said. In her mind, she believed it was just a setback.
In my case, one of the things I learned in a hurry was that there was no getting off the treadmill of caregiving once you climb on. And for my mother, it was initially tough to accept help since she was so used to caring for others.
Those first days, I coped by taking cues from my mother on how to provide care. The sequence in which she preferred to put her clothes on, how she liked her coffee, when she wanted the drapes drawn, how she liked her pillows arranged, and how to steady her on stairs.
Juggling Responsibilities
A 2020 study on caregiver burden — the load, stress, and strain borne by a caregiver, also referred to as "intensity" — found that caregivers often carry multiple identities, providing "long-term care for loved ones in their roles as spouses, partners and children. The conflict between career, caregiving responsibilities and family needs place higher levels of burden on the caregiver." 
Jaya Padmanabhan caring for her mother at an assisted living facility in India As an empty nester, I was back to juggling care and career, finding myself distracted both ways —while providing care and working.
Dwayne Hodges took care of his mother before her death while living in New York; his mother lived in South Carolina. She had schizophrenia and lung cancer, and "managing her health really became a challenge," he said. 
At the time, Hodges was going through a divorce and had equal custody of his children. 
As a result, Hodges flew to South Carolina every six weeks, when his children were with his ex-wife, to take his mother on doctor's visits, buy clothes and groceries and attend to her needs. 
In this way, he managed to be her primary caregiver (remotely and in person), parent his children and continue to earn a living. He did this for five years.
The Convenience Of Living Together
Having my mother at home allowed me to engage with her meaningfully, listen to music, watch her favorite TV show, reminisce about her youth, and help her with puzzles. But this convenience also made me hyper-focused on her.
Caring for my mother took a great deal out of me, and I often despaired at my situation. Yet, in quiet moments, I felt a sense of deep commitment.
One interesting study published in 2022 in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health (IJERPH) looked at the intersection between physical proximity, emotional attachment, and caregiving burden. The results indicated that "informal caregivers are at risk of caregiver burden, and physical proximity to the care recipient may add to this negative outcome." 
In addition, the researchers found that caregivers with high levels of emotional anxiety had a higher caregiver burden when they lived apart from their care recipient.
That was somewhat true for me. While I learned to be efficient with my time, separating from my mother emotionally proved challenging. I had to take myself out of my mother's physical orbit to change my caregiver identity. 
It was hard during the pandemic, but once the lockdown was lifted, I went to coffee shops and drove to work to find my focus while carrying some guilt for separating.
Despair and Concern
It is well-established that caregiving has positive effects, including contributing to personal growth and a sense of purpose in life. That keeps many of us going, despite the burden.
In his younger days, Moss recalled how he and his mom would get up in the middle of the night and have a grilled cheese sandwich and some tomato soup "and just talk." 
Moss said he had many of those moments while caring for his mom. While there were some setbacks, what mattered were the "heart-to-heart conversations and getting to know each other fully all over again."
Caring for my mother took a great deal out of me, and I often despaired at my situation. Yet, in quiet moments, I felt a sense of deep commitment. 
On the occasions that I found her happy, whether at the sight of turkeys running through the backyard, the family dog licking her hand, or cooking her favorite meal, I found contentment, too. That held me together in the days, months, and years before her death in August, 2022. 


Caring for Mom While Coming to Terms With A New Reality

Jaya Padmanabhan

On a busy day last year, 61-year-old Neil (not his real name) got a call from a man who called himself "John" and said he was from Apple Tech Support. He claimed to have received a report that Neil's laptop was infected with a virus and offered to fix the security breach if Neil gave him remote access to his computer. Distracted by a dozen demands on his time, Neil agreed.
"For most of us, it isn't a question of if we will be approached by this scam, but when," said retired Federal Trade Commission Director, Steve BakerThat was the beginning of a harrowing few hours with a practiced swindler. As John urgently warned that the virus threatened to corrupt and delete data and disrupt Neil's life, Neil grew increasingly anxious and agreed to pay the man on the phone hundreds of dollars to fix the problem.
For people over 60, the tech support scam was the most reported online fraud in 2021, having increased by 51% since 2019. 
The virus, of course, did not exist and "John" did not work for Apple. Neil was the victim of internet fraud, specifically a "tech support" fraud that preys on older adults; a fraud that bilked almost 14,000 people out of nearly $240 million in 2021 alone.
Steep Rise in Online Crime Targeting Older Adults
As internet use has become more ubiquitous, the share of older adults adopting technology has markedly increased in the last decade. However, for many it's like a learning a whole new language. Threats of viruses and malware, such as worms, trojans, bots and spyware, are profoundly confounding, and when a seemingly kind, disembodied voice on the phone offers to fix dreaded "infections," it's all too easy to succumb to false promises.
The FBI's 2021 Elder Fraud Report, released on April 5, found that people 60 and older were victims of internet fraud more often and lost more money than any other age group during the pandemic. Overall, they lost close to $1.7 billion to all forms of online fraud in 2021— a 74% increase over 2020.
California had the most older-adult victims, followed by Florida, Texas and New York. Victim losses in these states exceeded $100 million each, with California reporting $430 million forfeited to frauds targeting older adults.
For people over the age of 60, the tech support scam was the most reported online fraud in 2021, having increased by 51% since 2019.
Tech Support Is the Most Prevalent Online Scam
One FTC analysis found that adults over 60 are six times more likely than younger people to lose money to a tech support scam. Particularly during the pandemic lockdown, this scam became widespread, with several of my own friends and acquaintances saying they had been approached or knew someone who was.
In 2021, 13,900 older adults reported falling for the tech support fraud. Not all older adults report losing money to fraud, either because they did not lose money or were embarrassed to have been duped, so what is reported is likely to be a fraction of the true picture.
"For most of us, it isn't a question of if we will be approached by this scam, but when," Steve Baker, a retired director at Federal Trade Commission, wrote in a Next Avenue article in 2016.
How It Unfolded for One Victim
Once John got on Neil's computer, he opened some utility programs and typed in commands that generated error messages. In an "ominously urgent tone," John pointed to the messages as proof that someone had compromised the computer's security, that the system was going to crash any minute, and, critically, there was grave danger that hackers would steal Neil's identity.
John asked Neil to log in to his bank account and look at recent transactions, and despite being reasonably tech-savvy, and even careful about security, Neil complied.
According to Neil, John had "plausible explanations and a professional website to back up his story."
According to the FTC, "If you get this kind of pop-up window on your computer, don’t call the number. Real security warnings and messages will never ask you to call a phone number."John then said that he could kill the virus, remove the malware and clean the computer if Neil paid him in Target, Walmart or Best Buy gift cards. Neil got into his car and headed to the local store.
"I realized later that Apple Tech Support employees are never going to demand gift cards for services," Neil told me. "But in that moment as John kept repeating that the virus was multiplying rapidly, I was panic-stricken."
The Tech Support Scam Script
It is no surprise that tech support scammers — not always from other countries — have a tried-and-true script.
The scam often starts with a cold call. In some instances, a user might see an email or a pop-up message saying, "You have spyware" or "Your computer is infected," or something similar, with directions to call a "help desk."
"For most of us, it isn't a question of if we will be approached by this scam, but when."
Fake technicians claim to be from Apple, Microsoft or even antivirus software companies like Norton or McAfee. With a few quick questions, the scammer establishes which kind of operating system the victim uses, whether Apple or Microsoft, to calibrate the playbook accordingly.
The double-dealing begins when cybercrooks get on a user's computer through downloadable programs like "LogMeIn" or "TeamViewer" in order to run phony diagnostic tests. They type commands on systems utility programs that are designed to produce error messages.
In AARP's The Perfect Scam podcast, scammer Dan Goldstein explains: "We would look at the error log which was essentially a gigantic scare tactic somewhere in the back of the computer that would show you different issues that your computer had had at certain times."
Once the hustler has convinced a user that their device has been infiltrated, the demand for payment is made, preferably via channels that are untraceable: gift cards, wire transfers or the more common method these days: cryptocurrency.
What Are the Red Flags?
Unexpected phone calls, text messages, or online messages claiming to have security reports about your device are generally suspect.
When a stranger asks to access your computer, it's best to be on your guard. While they con you into fixing a non-problem, cybercrooks are also known to install malware or ransomware that harvest personal and financial information from the device.
Perhaps the most telling clue of an online fraud is when a caller requests payment in gift cards or wire transfers. These are rarely, if ever, preferred ways of payment for legitimate companies.
What To Do If You Fall for a Scam
Debbie Deem, a retired victim advocate with the FBI who now runs support groups for scam victims, suggests reporting the incident to either local law enforcement, Adult Protective Services (1-800-722-0432), the FBI's Internet Crime Complaint Center, the Federal Trade Commission, the U.S. Justice Department's Elder Fraud Hotline or the Cybercrime Support Network's Fight Cybercrime website.
"Think of it as a library or depository of complaints," said Deem. "So although in many cases it won't result in an investigation or return of money, it can help law enforcement track and stop these crimes." It can be gratifying and empowering to help others, she added.
For victims of scams, Deem suggests putting a freeze on credit card and bank accounts or closing or canceling the ones that had been compromised. Neil had to close the bank account he looked at while on the call with John.
What If My Laptop Does Have a Virus?
An online presence is a public presence, and the first thing to do is to research, download and install anti-virus software, if you haven't done so already.
If you do have anti-virus software installed and are still worried about a virus or other threat, "call your security software company directly, using the phone number on its website, the sales receipt, or the product packaging. Or consult a trusted security professional," advises the FTC.
As we make sense of Neil's story and reports of fraud targeting older adults, bear in mind that beyond a loss of money, there's also a loss of faith and trust, which takes a massive toll on the emotional and physical health of those affected.
Neil lodged a complaint with the local police, but, for days after, he admitted to feeling fearful and threatened when the home phone rang.


Boom in Tech Support Fraud Targets Older Adults

Devyani Dave immigrated from India to California in 1995 in her early 60s to live near her son and his family. Her green card was sponsored by her son (who prefers not to reveal his name), a citizen who came to the U.S. in 1973. When Dave arrived to start her new life, she had no health insurance and relied on her son to support her. Now, sitting on a bench at Priya Living, a senior community facility in Santa Clara, Calif., Dave said she feels fortunate to be in close proximity to her only child, especially as she ages.
Devyani Dave immigrated to the U.S. in 1995 to be near her sonBut some immigration experts say the Trump administration’s new “public charge” rule, going into effect by the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services on February 24, 2020 nationwide, will no longer welcome people in similar circumstances as Dave. That’s because, the analysts say, it will deem them likely to become liabilities for America.
How the Public Charge Rule Will Change
Since 1999, federal immigration law has had a public charge test in place to deny people admission to the United States if the government identifies them as ones who may be "primarily dependent" on the government for support, either through cash assistance programs or long-term institutional care.
But the Trump administration is altering the definition of public charge. Under the new rule, any person who uses designated benefits for 12 months in any 36-month period might be considered a public charge. And the list of benefits has expanded to include Medicaid, Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP, formerly known as Food Stamps) and Section 8 housing assistance.
The “totality of circumstances” test will penalize people 62 years or older, making it “nearly impossible for older adults to pass the 'public charge' test under the new criteria.”
A public charge determination will be made at the time of applying for a green card or admission at the U.S. border by an immigration officer after considering a “totality of circumstances,” a discretionary weighting system looking at factors including age, health, family status, assets, education and skills.
The “totality of circumstances” test will penalize people 62 years or older, said Natalie Kean, senior staff attorney at Justice in Aging, a nonpartisan legal advocacy group addressing senior poverty, making it “nearly impossible for older adults to pass the 'public charge' test under the new criteria.”
Immigrants Who Might Be Most Affected
Kean and other immigrant analysts say the revised public charge rule will tilt negatively for immigrants with chronic health conditions or disabilities; those who are not fluent in English, and ones earning less than 125% of the federal poverty limit — that’s $21,138 for a two-person household.
With these stringent benchmarks, the new rule could have an outsize impact on low-income older immigrants of color, preventing some from becoming legal permanent residents in the country they live in or aspire to live in.
This will have “a ripple effect on their families who are here in the United States, as well as our communities in general,” said Kean.
When the Supreme Court ruled on January 27 to give the Trump administration the go-ahead for its public charge rule, a statement from the White House Press Secretary called the decision “a massive win for American taxpayers, American workers and the American Constitution.”
In a fact sheet promoting the new public charge rule, the White House cited a 2017 poll from America First Policies (a pro-Trump organization) saying that 73% of Americans favor requiring immigrants coming to the country to be self-sufficient.
Critics of the new public charge rule, however, say older, poorer immigrants will be harmed by it. In an amicus brief filed by Justice in Aging and others to contest the new rule, one of the arguments points to the situation of five million older immigrants who "are likely to have supported their families, have contributed to our nation's economy by, for example, paying taxes and contributing to Social Security, and have been integrated into the fabric of our country. Yet, under the Final Rule, they will be viewed as having failed to contribute to society."
What Older Immigrants Say About the Public Charge Rule
“That’s not fair!” exclaimed Losa Petela, a 60-year-old legal immigrant from the South Pacific archipelago of Tonga who lives in Fremont, Calif. and has worked as a home caregiver in the Bay Area for nearly 10 years. Citing her own example, Petela said that immigrants who’ve served their U.S. community well, even if they are older, should be allowed to get their green cards.
“Those whose children are contributing to the [United States] for so many years and who don’t have anyone left in India should be allowed to join their families.”
Praveen Thakur, 79, a U.S. citizen who came here over 50 years ago from India and lives in Santa Clara, Calif., takes a slightly different view. “If the children take full responsibility [for their parents], then older parents should be allowed to come and get a green card so that they can stay with their families,” he said.
Dave makes another distinction: “Those whose children are contributing to the [United States] for so many years and who don’t have anyone left in India should be allowed to join their families,” she said.
Spreading Fears About the New Changes
Fears about the implications of the new public charge rule are spreading.
“We know that health care providers and social service agencies across the country are already starting to get calls from concerned individuals asking whether or not it is safe to remain enrolled in health, housing and nutrition programs,” said Madison Allen, senior policy attorney from the Center for Law and Social Policy, a nonpartisan nonprofit working on policy solutions for low-income people.
This chilling effect caused by confusion as to who, or what, will be subject to the public charge test has resulted in some legal immigrants disenrolling from public programs even before the February 24, 2020 official start date.
The New York City Department of Social Services has said that in 2018, roughly 11% of the city’s non-citizen immigrants “who are eligible for and lawfully receiving SNAP benefits have either left the SNAP caseload or have decided not to enroll, at a higher rate than U.S. citizens in the program. The agency cited a correlation between this decline in enrollment and the public charge proposals, due to a “fear of potential immigration consequences.”
Democrats' Bill to Curb the Trump Administration's Plans
Congresswoman Judy Chu, a Democrat representing communities near Los Angeles, said at a Jan. 31, 2020 press briefing: “By keeping families apart, Trump is making it harder on immigrants to succeed.” Last year, Chu introduced the No Public Funds for Public Charge Act, which would prevent federal funds from being used to implement the new public charge rule. The bill has 118 Democrat co-sponsors from 34 states and no Republicans.
“We are in a wait and see period right now,” said Denny Chan, a senior staff attorney at Justice in Aging. Arguing that the new public charge rule unlawfully targets older immigrants and their families, five briefs have been filed in circuit courts by organizations advocating for the elderly.
“It’s going to be a lengthy process,” Chan said. Although the rule will take effect on February 24, a circuit court could grant an injunction blocking it.
Older immigrants who are worried about the public charge rule, Chan said, should “speak to an immigration attorney to get individualized legal assistance before they make any decision to access, or apply for, benefits.”


Why the New 'Public Charge' Rule Could Hit Older Immigrants Hard

The first time the Russians marched into Lithuania, Rasa Gustaitis was six years old. She was with her grandmother in the backyard when she heard a neighbor call out the news. Gustaitis recalled the fear on her grandmother's face as she whispered, "Bozhe Moi," ("My God"). It was June 15, 1940.
Rasa Gustaitis at the SF Grotto in San FranciscoGustaitis's father, General Antanas Gustaitis, was the head of the Lithuanian Air Force at the time and well-known for his contributions to aero-engineering. Realizing that the family was in danger, he convinced Gustaitis's mother to make plans to escape without him. In his own bid to cross the border, General Gustaitis was captured and taken away by the Russians on March 4, 1941.
Claiming to be of German descent, Gustaitis's mother and grandmother gathered the three children, one an infant, and boarded a train to Poland, then under Nazi occupation. 
Gustaitis received evidence of her father being captured and taken to Butyrka prison in Moscow, relentlessly interrogated and later executed in October, 1941. 
When she was in her early eighties, Gustaitis reconstructed her past in a memoir she worked on for eight years, aptly named "Flight." The memoir dredges up details of the family's harrowing journey out of Russia-occupied Lithuania — twice — and their resettlement in New York, Gustaitis's assimilation into American life, and then later the reconnection to her father's personal and aeronautical history in Lithuania.
Now in her late eighties, Gustaitis, who lives in the San Francisco area, is tall and regal-looking with long flowing hair, a beautifully expressive face and a soft and serene manner of talking. "The history slips down easily," Gustaitis told me as we sat in her living room and talked about Russia's incursion into Ukraine and its relevance to her own troubled past. "Putin has said he wants to restore the Soviet Union boundaries. That was also Stalin's thing."
In July 1940, Stalin annexed Lithuania, the southernmost Baltic state, and declared it part of the Soviet Socialist Republic. Thousands of Lithuanians were deported to the Gulag in Siberia and a number of high-ranking Lithuanians were captured and killed. Gustaitis received evidence of her father being captured and taken to Butyrka prison in Moscow, relentlessly interrogated and later executed in October, 1941. These documents compiled in a Moscow prison are now part of Lithuania's Special Archive in Vilnius.
Out of Lithuania, Twice 
In the memoir, Gustaitis writes lyrically, and with journalistic precision captures the essence of what was lost and found in the aftermath of war.
The first time the family of five escaped from Lithuania, it was in the middle of the night. They boarded a train that stopped at small stations where red flags with a hammer and sickle flew from poles. When they reached German-occupied Lodz in Poland, the Nazis singled out Gustaitis's older sister, Jurate, who was a shade darker-skinned than the others, measured the circumference of her head and photographed her before letting her rejoin the family.
Gustaitis and her family sheltered first at a school and then at a summer camp for displaced persons.
"Unfathomable evil was ravaging Eastern Europe and surely an awareness of its presence crept into every child." 
Soon after, on June 22, 1941, the Germans launched Operation Barbarossa, invading the Soviet Union and driving the Russians out of Lithuania. Believing that it was safe for them, and in the hope of reuniting with her husband, Gustaitis's mother took the family back to Lithuania.
Gustaitis's memories of that period are trauma-filled. "Unfathomable evil was ravaging Eastern Europe and surely an awareness of its presence crept into every child," she wrote. It is estimated that over 200,000 Jews died at the hands of the Nazis in Lithuania, the highest victim rates in Europe.
Gustaitis recalled watching through the window of a school bus a man with a yellow six-pointed star patch on his back being chased by German soldiers. Gustaitis wrote of Jurate witnessing German soldiers shoot at a group of naked people standing in front of a ditch, "who then fell, one by one, into the ditch."
The family coped the best way they could. While Jurate found solace in playing the piano, Gustaitis discovered religion, coming to the realization that the Catholic Church was a safe haven, where "no evil existed."
The second time out of Lithuania was in 1944 when Stalin mounted a counteroffensive against the Germans. The family once again took flight. On this second train ride out of Lithuania, Gustaitis was ten years old. She wrote of how the rattling of the train sounded out "goodbye my dearest Lietuva," and as she watched the familiar landscape recede into the past, she felt some bread crumbs lodged between her thighs, and this discomfort felt "somehow right."
Gustaitis and her family disembarked in Vienna before heading to Graz in Austria. A Ukrainian family with two children lived next door to their apartment. Gustaitis remembers playing with the Ukrainian girl and it was a day of terror and grief when she heard one day that the Ukrainian girl and her brother had been killed by a bomb. "She comes to mind a lot now," Gustaitis said.
Arriving in the United States 
After Hitler was defeated, Gustaitis's family secured passage to America on the SS Ernie Pyle, a Merchant Marine vessel, with the sponsorship of an aunt in Brooklyn, New York.
On arriving in Brooklyn, two things struck Gustaitis as unusual. First, there were no broken windows — signifying no bombings — and there was trash on the streets. This was unusual even in the heavily bombed parts of Europe, according to Gustaitis.
Gustaitis enrolled in public school and found that first year in Brooklyn tough. In a conversation we had on her sun-filled patio overlooking a flowering garden, she told me that she had found it hard to relate to the other kids in the school.
"There was no other displaced person there and I was pretty weird to the kids. For one thing it seemed to me that my classmates were much older than me because they were dressed like adults instead of like kids. I still had pigtails and a short dress and they wore heels and nylons," she said. But after a couple of years in Brooklyn, she received a scholarship to Dana Hall, a boarding school in Wellesley, Massachusetts.
Gustaitis's life in America proceeded steadily forward after that. She enrolled at Oberlin College for undergraduate studies and then on to Columbia University for a graduate degree in journalism. She started her career at the Washington Post, before moving on to the New York Herald Tribune and then Pacific News Service in San Francisco, while authoring a number of non-fiction books.
"In many ways, I think I've been very privileged. Yes, we left with a couple of suitcases and my grandmother's down comforter, but I was able to come here and had this miraculous good luck," Gustaitis remarked.
Memory and Memoir 
"Writing a memoir gives a form and a shape to experience," Gustaitis said. Though, "there were lots of things I didn't remember at all," she admitted during a book reading event. There were many instances when she questioned her own recall, she said.
She related one such incident with vivid detail in her memoir. When she was walking home from the park one day, Gustaitis described seeing a boy blow himself up with a grenade near Vytautas, the Great War Museum. She heard an explosion, and when she turned to look, she saw a boy's knees, "pulled up the way I would pull up my knees while lying in a meadow and looking up at the sky." When Gustaitis checked with Jurate about the incident, Jurate said, "I'm sure that didn't happen because I would have known about it."
"Yes, we left with a couple of suitcases and my grandmother's down comforter, but I was able to come here and had this miraculous good luck." 
Gustaitis nevertheless included the incident in her memoir. "If it's not correct, it's nevertheless what I remembered," she explained.
Looking pensive, Gustaitis said that writing "Flight" wasn't always easy. It required a lot of reflection and talking to the people who were involved at that time. "One can check historical facts, but it's tough to fact-check memories," she said.
On one of her trips back to Lithuania, Gustaitis visited the museum where her father's first plane was displayed. All the Lithuanian aircraft had been destroyed by the Russians, but this one plane had been taken apart and hidden in the basement of a musician and later reconstructed. The director of the State Archive showed Gustaitis a film of the test flight of that plane.
"Making a reconnection is to awaken a forgotten sorrow," she said, as she described these details. In a 2014 trip to Lithuania, she read the preserved Russian dossier "Byla 1066 A. Gustaitis" on her father's final days.
What Remains and What's Lost
From food to language there are similarities among people from the Baltic states. "Everybody eats borscht," remarked Gustaitis. Most families develop their own recipe for it. "My family's version is more Ukrainian borscht, more consolidated. My daughter and stepdaughter worked on our family borscht recipe and we are convinced it's the best," she said with a smile.
According to Gustaitis, the Ukrainians are not that different from Lithuanians and others from that region, nor from Russians. "You meet a Ukrainian here and often they will say, 'I have many friends who are Russians.' We spoke both languages. It's crazy, it's like brothers shooting each other."
Discussing the state of the world today, Gustaitis sees the parallels from her own days as a refugee. Displacement and resettling are facts of life now. People are escaping all manner of tragedies, from wars to gangs to discrimination.
"I mean, it's a myth that everybody comes here to get a better life. They come here to live," she said.


Rasa's Story

This story is part of Taking Care, an ongoing series on the diverse lives of America's family caregivers, with support from The John A. Hartford Foundation."The TV doesn't work," my mother called out loudly. 
The author and her mother, Sarada Ramachandran, and the orchids at their home in Los Altos Hills, Calif.When I walked in to her room, she was standing in front of the television set with the remote in her hands. She raised her gaze to mine and her eyes were slightly moist. "I pressed the buttons like you told me, but it didn't work," she said. 
I took the remote from her, pressed 7-6-5, hit enter. The screen changed. 
"I've been trying to change that channel for the last fifteen minutes," my mother said plaintively.
My mother's gaze still always searches for me. In a roomful of people, she often notices only me.
In this year of shelter-in-place, my mother and I have had to refurbish and remodel our relationship — bouncing between helplessness, despair and buoyancy. Since late spring, each new day has forced on my mother and me a reckoning of how care is given and how care is taken, without a specific lesson for its resolution.
As a child, I never really had a deep or consistent connection with my mother. Most of my formative years were spent in a Catholic boarding school. Besides the impediments of language that developed, my mother and I had different interests, habits, tastes and beliefs. We had little to say to each other, other than the perfunctory. She was my mother; my love for her was wholly steeped in that relationship.
From India to California
When my father passed away, I packed up my mother's life in India and escorted her into mine in California. I was shocked to discover that she hadn't quite mastered the technique of crossing a busy Indian street, withdrawing money from her bank, ordering a new cooking gas cylinder or calling for a taxi. Yet, she read voraciously and displayed an irrepressible, gamine intelligence.
"Are you worried about living in America, Amma?" I asked her on the flight. "You're there," my mother responded, without a trace of anxiety.
The author Jaya Padmanabhan helps her mother down at their home in Los Altos Hills, Calif.In California, my mother began negotiating her new space the best way she could: through rote memorization. She learned to use a microwave by pressing the same buttons in the same sequence. She learned to operate a dishwasher and the shower in the same manner. She even got her citizenship this way — by memorizing all the questions and answers in the study booklet.
She took over the responsibility of feeding Mishti (our big, rambunctious goldendoodle) and watering the two orchids that were gifted to us over the years. Every morning, ritually, my mother would pour two cups of water into Mishti's bowl and an equal amount of water over the orchids. The orchids and the dog bloomed with her attention.
Time Went On, Needs Changed
The years passed. My mother's hearing deteriorated, and she refused to wear hearing aids, or anything "artificial" to compensate. Then her eyesight grew blurry and she lost peripheral vision. She had several small falls, and then, almost exactly a year ago, a catastrophic one on the hard stone floor, sustaining multiple pelvic fractures. She was hospitalized for several weeks. When she came back home, she gripped the handles of her new walker tightly in her hands.
I became my mother's caregiver, helping her with her showers, guiding her in figuring out her pills, organizing and preparing her meals, turning on her television, taking her for drives and downloading her favorite magazines onto her iPad.
Sarada Ramachandran turns on the television in her bedroom at her daughter’s home. "My mother began negotiating her new space the best way she could: through rote memorization," the author writes.I taught her the very same things I had taught her once before, a decade ago, but this time, the lessons did not stick. The challenge of handling household tasks that she had once effortlessly mastered became insurmountable.
My mother stopped feeding the dog. And for the first time in many years, the orchids looked thirsty.
I worried that the months of continuous quarantine would be isolating. They were. And her reliance on external stimulation gradually dwindled. 
Every day around noon, my brother calls our mother from Philadelphia. With her poor hearing, she is often eager to put the phone down as soon as she picks it up. Reading, too, has become intermittent. It takes too much effort to focus, my mother told me.
"There's no other human being on this earth who will ever have our backs like Amma does," my brother said, consoling me when I was in a low mood. "It's an unwavering trust in us," he said, and I was reminded of her words on that flight from India.
'A Brand New Understanding'
I hired a caregiver for a few hours a week to help her and keep her company, but my mother's gaze still always searches for me. In a roomful of people, she often notices only me.
My mother's dependency is often overwhelming. I feel like I am always on alert, day and night, listening for her to call out my name.
Mishti passed away in late August, and my mother's distress wrapped around my devastation at the totality of his absence.
With each new day, the gyre of her reliance on me seems to widen. "What should I eat for dinner?" "Can you turn the knob on the humidifier?" "Which day is it today?" "Should I sleep now or later?" "Will my stomach ache go away?" "Are you going out?" "When will you be back?"
My mother's frailty and vulnerability have disarranged her life, and mine. Yet this very disarrangement has forged a brand new understanding upon me; upon us. Our relationship will always be an imperfect one, but it rests on the twin pedestals of her trust and my caring.
Now if I can only convince her to water the orchids again.


Now That I Care For Her, I Feel For Her

“Do you have drumsticks?” my 85-year-old mother asks the cashier at the checkout counter at Madras Groceries in Sunnyvale, Calif.
The woman points to a pile of long, narrow, cylindrical vegetables near the counter. A half-hour later, a quick inventory of my mother’s cart reveals drumsticks, taro roots, squash, long beans, okra, winter melons, pointed gourd, snake gourd, spices, snack packets of murukkus and a bag of brown basmati rice.
Food bought, cooked, served and eaten is collectively the barometer of my mother’s moods, which are intricately entangled with her health. When she’s bustling around the kitchen, cooking sambar, kootuor olan with squash and winter melon, and boiling snake gourd or sautéing long beans to serve as a side dish, she’s cheerful and animated. On the days when the stove top stays cold, she sits near her bed dispiritedly, complaining about the insipid flavors of leftovers.
My mother, who immigrated to America in her late 70s from India, views the world through the lens of food. The act of eating or drinking is not only one of survival; it’s an emotional configuration. She is happiest when she has access to the foods she once ate back home, as though harnessing the taste of her memories.
The act of eating or drinking is not only one of survival; it's an emotional configuration.
She has never tried pasta, pizza, burritos, sandwiches or salads. Vegetables she has not encountered in her previous life are anathema, including mushrooms, broccoli or Brussels sprouts. She keeps a very close, if obsessive, vigil on her Indian vegetarian palate.
Preoccupied With Food
Gopala Pillalamarri worked as a journalist for 40 years in India before retiring and moving to Palo Alto, Calif., to live with his son and daughter-in-law in the 1990s. Now in his 80s, Pillalamarri has a long list of ailments and is confined to his room in his son’s house, needing round-the-clock palliative care.
When I met him, he was glancing over headlines in the local newspaper. A frail man, wearing a crisp white-striped shirt, he brightened when he saw me. “A daughter has come to visit,” he announced.
Pillalamarri grew up in Tenali, a city in Southern India, well-known for its spicy foods and pickles marinated in chilies. Until he came to the United States, he had never lived anywhere else.
“Have you ever tried pizza?” I asked Pillalamarri. “No western [food] for me,” he said, shaking his head with a mischievous smile. “It has no spice.”
Rita Ghatak, a psychologist and an associate director at the Optimal Aging Center in Palo Alto, is Pillalamarri’s daughter-in-law. With over a decade of experience directing Stanford’s Adult Aging Services program, Ghatak has observed that among immigrant families, one of the biggest preoccupations is food.
She noted that her father-in-law’s “food habits have not deviated, not even one standard deviation, from what they were when he was living in India.”
For many adults who migrate later in life, familiar foods close the gap between countries left behind and countries arrived at. Remembered flavors stave off a fugue-like state of withdrawal from the new environment. So tastes are preserved carefully.
When Pillalamarri had a nasty fall and had to be admitted to ManorCare Health Services in Sunnyvale to recuperate, he begged to be taken home. He couldn’t tolerate the hospital fare and looked listless and unhappy until his son began to cook and deliver meals to him every day.
The Link Between Cultural Isolation and Food
Globalization and immigration patterns are changing the makeup of older adults in America. As America ages, so does the immigrant population. By 2030, older adults will outnumber children. In 2010, more than one in eight adults 65 years and older was foreign born, according to the Population Reference Bureau.
The Migration Policy Institute reports that in 2010, California had the most foreign-born older adults (1.3 million) in the country. It is predicted that people of color, primarily Latinos and Asians, will make up 55% of California’s older population by 2035, compared to 41% today.
This changing population requires a rethinking and recalibrating of how we deliver elder care. While there is much research on older adults and social isolation, not much attention is paid to the issue of cultural isolation, and, in particular, its linkage to food.
Despite the lack of research, however, nutrition programs in California are aware of what it takes to satisfy older immigrant adults.
Milton Cadena, the program director at the Eastside Neighborhood Center in San Jose (a Senior Nutrition Program, or SNP, site run by Catholic Charities), said it mostly has Latinos in its program and that many of its menu options tap into this group’s preferences — chile verde, corn tortillas, Spanish rice, chicken enchiladas and more.
“When the food served at our centers mirrors the food [the clientele] grew up with, or are accustomed to, in their own culture, it is easier for them to accept it, and they appreciate it  —  and more importantly, do not waste it,” Cadena said.
At Stevenson House  —  a low-income senior housing project in Palo Alto  —  La Comida (Spanish for food) mostly serves an older Chinese population. On a recent menu, however, there were few Chinese options.
“One of the challenges is preparing Chinese meals,” admitted Mary Ruth Batchelder, site manager of the La Comida program. The prep work is complicated. There’s a lot of braising and marinating, and the ingredients are different.
“We cook baked fish, which is Chinese inspired. One of the problems is keeping it low in sodium and soy sauce,” Batchelder said, adding that La Comida is incrementally working toward a Chinese-inspired menu. But “our food doesn’t keep Asians away,” she said, while pointing at the room filled with Asian diners.
According to Judy Chang, a member of the board of La Comida, immigrant adults are willing to experiment with cuisine if they’ve been in the country long enough. Or if getting and preparing hot meals is a problem. “If you have to have a full belly, then you go with whatever you get, as long as it’s not offensive to your palate,” Chang said, and for many of the La Comida patrons, this is the only hot lunch they get.
'I Don't Like American Food'
Nourishment is merely the outer skin of the peeling onion that explains immigrants' complex relationship to food. What works for the native-born population will not necessarily work for the immigrant cohort.
Fresno-born octogenarian Hank Thielmann, of Ukrainian-Russian origin, lives in Stevenson House. He described his mother’s twice-baked crisp zwieback bread with equal parts sadness and nostalgia. “I’d slather butter and jam on the zwieback before eating it,” he recalled. He likes the food served by La Comida. “I choose to enjoy it,” he clarified. “But if you know of any Russian restaurant?”
Patty May is 90, and her translucent skin gleams in the afternoon light. She sits at the entrance of the dining hall, handing out bread to the La Comida patrons as they walk in, murmuring greetings in Chinese and English. She grew up in Oklahoma City, but lived in China for 15 years and prefers Chinese food. Her favorite meal at La Comida is Lion’s Head Meatballs, a Shanghai specialty made of pork and cabbage, though she likes everything served.
Like Thielmann and May, many aging adults are nostalgic for the foods of their younger days. But adults who migrate later in life feel alienated if the cuisine they are accustomed to is not available to them.
Huiming Tang also lives in an apartment at Stevenson House. “I pay attention to my food. I take it seriously,” he said through an interpreter. “I like Chinese food. I eat it all the time. I don’t like American food,” he said firmly.
Chinese food has bold complexity, Tang said. Each province in China lends its own aesthetics to the food. “The noodles in Shanghai are different from the noodles in Canton or Beijing,” and there’s more meat and vegetables in Chinese cooking, he said.
Tang came to America in the late ’90s to live with his son and daughter in the Bay Area after retiring from his job as a professor at Shanghai University. He cooked his own meals initially. When asked about his favorite La Comida meal, Tang picked up his utensils and cut into the marinated pork loin on his plate before responding, “I come here because I’m 88-years-old.”
San Jose resident Aida Vigo came to America in 1992 after retiring as a physician in Bataan, a city in the Philippines where thousands perished in 1942 during a brutal Japanese-enforced 65-mile march to prison camps. Vigo was four-years-old at the time and calls herself a child of the war. She grew up at a time when privation and scarcity were ways of life. Most people she knew ate only the food that they raised, with fish and vegetables being staples.
Vigo prefers simple flavors and fresh ingredients. When she first arrived in the United States, she often cooked adobo and sinigang for her children and grandchildren, both stock-based “one-dish meals” with fish, beef, pork, chicken or vegetables.
Waiting for her food to be served at the Northside Community Center near downtown San Jose, Vigo revealed why she comes here for lunch: “The cook here is Filipina. I know how she cooks it. The taste is not overpowering.”
Link Between Food and Socialization
Iggy Ignatius, chairman and founder of ShantiNiketan, a retirement community for Indian Americans in Tavares, Fla., is well on his way to building an empire on the simple premise that as immigrants age, they will want comfort food and a back-to-the-roots lifestyle. He is on his third phase of development, to be completed next year. The demand is so high, Ignatius said, that he’s begun to expand to other locations, including New Jersey, Houston and even Singapore. “The market will only grow,” he assured me. He has several California customers.
The biggest selling point is the Indian vegetarian food that ShantiNiketan offers, one of the few Indian-American facilities for older adults with an in-house kitchen. Ignatius believes that affinity retirement homes are not non-assimilative, but places where people go to spend their later years among people who share the same kinds of life experiences and are able to relate to each other.
That relational experience boils down to food and socialization. Ignatius echoed Ghatak’s theory on older adults and their preoccupations: “Food is the major concern for Indian-Americans, in my opinion, and then comes socialization,” he says.
Familiar Scents and Array of Colors
For my mother, who cooks for herself, food is a pipeline to her emotional and physical health. But I can see that her cooking days are numbered. Shopping for her favorite vegetables has begun to exhaust her, even though it’s her favorite place to go. My mother in an Indian grocery store is like a child in a candy store. Her eyes dart from shelf to shelf, taking in the familiar scents and array of colors. And she looks energized.
After paying for the groceries at Madras Groceries, my mother and I make our way a few doors down to Madras Café.
“How are you, Aunty?” the young man at the counter greets my mother when she steps forward to order a plate of vadas (deep-fried lentil balls) and chutney to take home. It’s one of the few restaurants my mother consents to eat at, and I soon discover why.
“I haven’t seen you in a while,” the man says in Tamil. My mother nods shyly without responding. As I help her to a chair, he goes in and comes back carrying a steel tumbler of steaming coffee. “While you wait,” he says, offering it to her.
My mother takes a sip of the coffee and looks at me, her eyes shining.
This article originally appeared on The Bold Italic and on the Diverse Elders Coalition blog.


Immigrants Take Comfort in Food From Their Homeland

It’s American culture to value productivity above most else. Filling schedules to the brim and working long, late hours elicits praise and respect, while carving out time just for fun or self-care isn’t viewed with as much admiration. It’s a career-over-everything mentality, and when we tie so much of our self-worth to our jobs, we tend to structure any free time around not what brings us joy, but what we could do to increase productivity even more. If this sounds familiar, you might have never pursued a hobby — whether for lack of time or not seeing its purpose. Too bad. It's great to have a hobby.
Writer Jaya Saxena recently forgot the word “hobby.” While telling friends about her spouse’s new venture playing in a band, she used a roundabout way of describing a hobby, but forgot that a word already existed to describe it. Hobbies, sadly, have become more of a rare phenomenon.
For Many, Hobbies Are a Thing of the Past
“For many of us, expectations of an ‘always-on’ working life have made hobbies a thing of the past, relegated to mere memories of what we used to do in our free time,” Saxena wrote for The New York Times. “Worse still, many hobbies have morphed into the dreaded side hustle or as paths to career development, turning the things we ostensibly do for fun into … more work.”
It’s true. Admittedly, Next Avenue has run plenty of advice on turning hobbies into sources of income. It’s a popular way of bringing pleasure to work, and in theory it makes perfect sense to monetize your skills. There’s nothing inherently wrong with merging work and hobbies, but what do we lose when we see our hobbies through a work lens? The beauty of a hobby is its low-stress, low-pressure, low-stakes nature. Maybe some hobbies should stay sacred — for enjoyment only.
“Hobbies can also remind you that work isn’t everything,” Saxena wrote.
Have a Hobby for Leisure, Not Work
Saxena highlighted a 2009 study that found a focus on leisure activities “correlated with lower blood pressure, lower levels of depression and stress, and overall better psychological and physical functioning.” Hobbies are a way to recover from stress, too, and give you the opportunity not only to regroup but to bring your best self back to work.
If you’re hung up on taking too much time away from work and productivity, know that studies have also shown that time spent on hobbies can improve job performance through improved creative problem solving and helping others on the job.
Hobby Inspiration
Feeling stumped about what you’d like to adopt as a hobby? Just think about times you’ve thought or said, “I’ve always wanted to try that.”
Maybe it’s taking up photography, baking or camping. Looking back to your childhood interests and passions is another great place to start, as Next Avenue has encouraged in the past.
“If the inevitable ‘What do I do with the rest of my life?’ question has you perplexed, you may benefit from revisiting who you were as a child and what you loved to do,” Saxena wrote. “In those dusty storage boxes filled with your childhood keepsakes — report cards, photos, artwork, news clippings, coloring books, prize ribbons, toys and other artifacts — you may find clues for your tomorrow.”
Next Avenue also has published guides and examples of people exploring birdwatching, attending the opera, writing workshops, quilting, storytelling, tango and gardening.
One key final note about having a hobby: Perfection is not the goal. Hobbies are about trying new things and learning what you like (and don’t like) — not just being the best.


Why It's Great to Have a Hobby

Grace Birnstengel

In this series, Next Avenue will follow Patricia Wynn as she embarks on becoming an entrepreneur with her North Carolina lifestyle assistant business. Future installments will note her progress, with advice for her and for other midlife entrepreneurs.Entrepreneurs often begin with an idea and manage their new business alone — at least in the early stages of their startup. So, in essence, they are often "solo-preneurs" with hopes of possibly adding a few staff members as their business expands.
As part of her role as a lifestyle assistant, Patricia Wynn frequently does the grocery shopping for clientsFor Patricia Wynn's Hillsborough, N.C.-based lifestyle assistant business, gradual growth of her clientele means that she is still personally assisting clients, with occasional work overflow being handled by her brother and a cousin. Her goal is to eventually have enough clients to afford bringing in a few staff members, in addition to herself.
"Currently, I'm handling nine regular weekly clients with cleaning, cooking, or caregiving and household errands, plus two clients that I see every other week. They have all contracted with me, so they are accustomed to interacting with me. The only client that I've occasionally had my brother or cousin work for is an Airbnb, which is cleaned while it is empty, so there is no interaction with a specific client," said Wynn.
She continued, "When I am able to add new clients, if I also have a new staff member, I would need to introduce them to the client ahead of time, so the client knows who is coming to their home."
Early Stages of Being an Entrepreneur 
"This is always a kind of a delicate balance for entrepreneurs at the early stages: Making sure you meet your responsibilities to your clients and people you may bring in," said David Deeds, Schulze Professor of Entrepreneurship at the University of St. Thomas Opus College of Business in Minneapolis, MN., and editor-in-chief of the (EIX) Entrepreneurship and Innovation Exchange, which is a funder of Next Avenue.
Deeds confirmed that the challenge is real for new entrepreneurs as they allow time to manage additional staff as well as their own responsibilities at their startup business. Another key element, noted Deeds, when it comes to bringing on staff, is whether they are classified as W-2 employees or 1099 contractors, because the taxes withheld differ and so does the employer's control over their work practices.
"Taxes are places where businesses in startup mode can make mistakes." 
"Taxes are places where businesses in startup mode can make mistakes. They don't want to make the 1099 mistake, where they list a worker as an independent contractor who should have been listed as a W-2 employee. If they are actually an employee and don't pay taxes on the wages that you've paid them, then you as the employer can be liable for those taxes. You've got federal, state and potentially local taxes," said Deeds, who noted that often entrepreneurs prefer to work with independent contractors because payroll tax is not required.
Hiring Employees vs. Independent Contractors 
According to a 2020 article published by Complete Payroll Solutions, a privately held payroll, HR and third-party administrator, there are a few important distinctions employers should know prior to hiring and classifying staff as employees or independent contractors.  
Using guidelines from the IRS, in the case of W-2 employees, an employer has the right to direct the work being performed, including giving instruction, providing the tools, equipment and training to complete the work, as well as setting hours and schedules for the worker. If the worker is an independent contractor, an employer only controls the result of the work, not how, when or what will be done. The contractor can also use their own tools and methods to complete the work.
Payroll taxes are automatically deducted from a W-2 employee's paycheck and an employer will withhold income taxes and pay Social Security, Medicare taxes and unemployment tax on wages paid. Benefits such as health insurance, family and medical leave are offered to W-2 employees.
If an independent contractor receives $600 or more during the year, then an employer issues them a 1099 to calculate their earnings and self-employment tax but the employer isn't charged a payroll tax. Employers do not provide company-sponsored benefits, unemployment insurance or workers' comp for independent contractors. The regulations for workers' comp for W-2 employees can differ somewhat, depending on the state.
Build Your Infrastructure 
Even before adding part-time or full-time staff, entrepreneurs "need to put in place the employee systems, bookkeeping and structure" that the business will need, explained Deeds.
Patricia Wynn and one of her clients, Jaya KumarHe added, "You're much better getting the infrastructure in place early on than having it become a liability later on. Things like getting QuickBooks or similar bookkeeping software up and running and setting up a separate credit card and bank account for your business so you have records. When you're an LLC —a limited liability company—the tax liability is on you personally. If the business starts making money, you will be responsible for tax payments on your business income, but no corporate tax. On the positive side, you get to take all the deductibles, like mileage, for example."
Wynn has a separate bank account for Patricia Services, LLC and computes her mileage using the Everlance app on her phone. She has a group of printed documents for filling out expenses on a spreadsheet, timesheets, and contracts with clients for the work provided weekly.  
"If a customer does not have internet access, it helps to have some things printed up. I can access the spreadsheet online as well," said Wynn. "Right now, I'm using the spreadsheet to record expenses and doing my own bookkeeping, but as the business grows, I will probably need to hire an accountant."
Deeds recommended that Wynn work on resource planning and projections by looking at her current client load.
"In most businesses, it's hard to bring someone in for less than eight to ten hours a week. Often the less time people are working for you, the less reliable they are, especially if they are piecing together more than one job to make a living," said Deeds.
According to a survey conducted by Guidant Finance and the Small Business Trends Alliance, recruiting and retention of employees was seen as one of the top five non-Covid challenges faced by Black entrepreneurs; 17% of women overall who were small business owners perceived it is a strong non-Covid business challenge.
As a former manager for both McDonalds and Wendy's, Wynn is very aware of the importance of establishing reliability by training new staff.
She said, "If you hire too many, too fast, you're not getting the quality, you just brought in bodies who may not be open to receive training. But if you bring in one person and train them well, and they sign off on being trained, then you can hold them accountable."
Taking the Right Steps to Hire 
She added that, with Patricia Services, LLC, "if I brought someone in, I would like to bring them in for twenty hours a week with one or two particular clients. Over time, what they are asked to do by the client might change as the client becomes more familiar with them," and sees their skills in a variety of lifestyle assistance areas.
"But if you bring in one person and train them well, and they sign off on being trained, then you can hold them accountable."
Wynn says she will reassess her client load and staffing needs after April 2022 and through the end of the year.
"If, for example, I got four more clients, that would require one or two more staff members depending on the number of hours the clients wanted. I would start by bringing on someone as an independent contractor," she said.  "In the future, if the business gets considerably larger, then I might move toward having W-2 employees."
Since she established Patricia Services, LLC in 2021, Wynn will do her first filing of taxes for the business in April 2022. "Moving forward, I will look into filing quarterly as a business, which was recommended by my SCORE mentor, Maxine Stern," she said.
SCORE is the national organization of business executives, that is affiliated with the U.S. Small Business Administration. Many SCORE mentors are still working, and some are retired executives.
In addition to filing appropriate taxes, Deeds said entrepreneurs who add staff members must be aware of how they are interacting with clients and provide management leadership.
"When and if you get the wrong person, that can cost you clients. You need to give feedback to the staff after checking in with clients. The challenge with being a startup is that at the end of the day, you have to do all the things that big businesses do – HR, accounting, training, marketing, and building the business — but without departments and bodies to do it," said Deeds. "It's all up to you. Taking seminars with your local Small Business Development Center can give you tools to help organize your business."
Wynn says that while she is excited about working in her own business, she is also maintaining a work/life balance. "Stress causes diseases in your body, and I remember what overworking can do from my years managing at McDonald's," she said. "I've experienced that and I don't want it anymore."
This article is part of America's Entrepreneurs, a Next Avenue initiative made possible by the Richard M. Schulze Family Foundation and EIX, the Entrepreneur Innovation Exchange.


A New Entrepreneur Focuses on Staffing Plans

Leslie Hunter-Gadsden

In this new series, Next Avenue will follow Patricia Wynn as she embarks on becoming an entrepreneur with her North Carolina lifestyle assistant business. Future installments will note her progress, with advice for her and for other midlife entrepreneurs.Patricia Wynn, 52, of Hillsborough, N.C., just began her business as a lifestyle assistantThe pandemic has motivated many people to reconsider their career paths. For Patricia Wynn, a single, 52-year-old in Hillsborough, N.C., it meant being open to the possibility of becoming an entrepreneur.
"My relatives encouraged me, as someone who suffers from coronary artery disease, to make a change from the pressures of managing a fast-food restaurant during a pandemic."
"I spent twenty-six years at McDonald's in Atlanta, rising up the ranks to become general manager. Then in 2015, I moved back home to Hillsborough to help care for my mother before she passed, and became a general manager at Wendy's," says Wynn.
The Wendy's job lasted five years. In April 2020, she quit and decided to pursue a path as an entrepreneur, becoming part of the growing national trend of minority entrepreneurship.
As I noted in my Next Avenue article, "The State of Minority Entrepreneurshp in America," according to the Ewing Marion Kaufman Foundation, 2020 produced a surge in the creation of Black-owned businesses; about one in 250 Black adults started a new venture during that pandemic year.
Changing Her Original Plan
In Wynn's case, "my relatives encouraged me, as someone who suffers from coronary artery disease, to make a change from the pressures of managing a fast-food restaurant during a pandemic," she says.
While reviewing her expertise — which included managing staff, being food-service certified and caring for older family members — Wynn first considered running a group home for older adults.
Wynn then began working part-time at a home health care agency to familiarize herself with what would be required to open a group home.
"While at the agency, my first client had mild dementia. He was a former professor. I would talk to him, do his laundry and cook for him. He liked soul food!" says Wynn. "Near this time, I found a person with a group home, and she suggested that I take required courses and shadow her."
But the cost of the education would have been about $13,000. "I didn't have that kind of money," Wynn recalls.
So, based on that and advice from her friend Cozze Staples, she shifted gears.
"I decided that it would be more cost effective to start a business as a lifestyle assistant — doing meal preparation, running errands, housekeeping and offering companionship for clients."
Wynn noticed that on the website Care.com, for $12.99 a month, you could create a business profile advertising the services you provide. That, she realized, would give her a chance to trumpet her lifestyle assistant skills.
Why People Hire Her as a Lifestyle Assistant
While working at the home health care agency, in February 2021, Wynn got her first response from her Care.com profile.
Wynn with client Katherine Bland, who she assists with housekeeping and cleaning It was from a local couple in their early 80s, Virginia and Dr. Redford Williams. She's co-founder of a life skills company; he's a Duke University professor of psychiatry and psychology.
"After doing a background check on me, they hired me for eight hours, every Thursday. This couple wants to stay in their home and not go into a retirement home," says Wynn. "In addition to cleaning their house, I also walk through the property to see if there are any repairs needed that I should inform their maintenance person about."
The Williamses, Wynn says, "are my biggest fans."
Wynn mentioned to the home health care agency owner that she wanted to open her own business and the owner highly recommended seeking a free mentor through SCORE – the national organization of retired business executives affiliated with the U.S. Small Business Administration.
Getting a SCORE mentor when starting a business in midlife is something Nakeisha S. Lewis, associate dean and diversity, equity and Inclusion ambassador at the Opus College of Business, University of St. Thomas in St. Paul, Minn., recommends. (EIX, the Entrepreneurship Innovation Exchange at the university's Schulze School of Entrepreneurship, is a funder of Next Avenue.)       
Wynn began having Zoom meetings with her SCORE mentor, Maxine Stern, 78, a former Duke University CPA who lives in Chapel Hill, N.C., not far from Wynn, and has been volunteering with SCORE for about 10 years.
Says Stern: "I think Patricia's management background at McDonald's and Wendy's helped her a lot. She's not afraid of collecting data. She is not hesitant about the things you need to do to build a business."
Smart Advice From Her SCORE Mentor
Wynn notes: "Ms. Stern really helped me. She was very motivational."
Stern sent Wynn notes on how to apply for an LLC — a limited liability company that would provide personal asset protection. Stern also provided advice on the requirements to become a certified nursing assistant (CNA), in case Wynn wanted to work in a group home.
"We also talked about the rate I should charge as a lifestyle assistant," says Wynn. They decided that charging $20 an hour made the most sense, based on eventually working a 40- to 50-hour week.
"She wasn't afraid of the business, but there were things she didn't know."
"That was almost double what I made working part-time for the agency," says Wynn.
At each of their meetings, Wynn made sure she'd accomplished what the two of them had discussed the month before.
Stern said some would-be entrepreneurs come to SCORE with an idea, but then don't continue with the mentoring program when they find out all that's required to start a new venture.
"It can be overwhelming for some people," she says. But not for Wynn.
"She wasn't afraid of the business, but there were things she didn't know," Stern says. "She had to learn how to have her own business. It's a really different concept from being an employee."
Describing Wynn as a "smart, capable person," Stern said she and Wynn always discussed the "why" behind the monthly goals they agreed on.
Launching Patricia Services, LLC
In April 2021, Wynn officially launched Patricia Services, LLC, with an initial investment of less than $5,000 in her small stash of savings. "The business has to pay for itself," says Wynn.
She has three first-year goals for the business: "First, my ultimate goal is to get as much information, and more knowledgeable, about caregiving as possible," she says. That includes finding, and taking, free classes about caregiving and on how to speak to people suffering from dementia as well as getting caregiving certifications.
SCORE mentor Maxine Stern
"Second, I'd like to be able to add two more staff members. Third, I want to increase my advertising by creating flyers that I can distribute among contacts in social services who specialize in elderly or disabled clients of various ages," says Wynn.
She began developing her client list while working part-time at the home health care agency until September 2021, when she quit that job to devote all her energy into her lifestyle assistant business.
Today, Wynn has a diverse client base of six people, ranging from older adults to busy college professors and other professionals who are Gen Xers and millennials. She also does some weekend cleaning at a local bed and breakfast.
"With all of my clients," she notes, "I set it up so they can hire me for a minimum of four hours per week. That can be spread out through one, two or more days."
One client is Katherine Bland, a Duke University professor who has hired Wynn to help with housekeeping and cleaning. Another, Jaya Kumar, even sends Wynn weekly meal recipes to prepare for her family, since her time is limited while also completing a doctorate. 
 "The younger professional people need you because they work all the time," says Wynn. "The senior citizens need assistance to remain independent with their everyday activities."
Her Plan for Growing the Business
Wynn now has her LLC designation, a website and a profile on Care.com. She recently decided to add decals on her car advertising Patricia Services, LLC.
In the spring, she qualified for a federal government PPP (Paycheck Protection Program) loan of $4,375. She used it to pay her nephew and brother when they occasionally did heavy furniture hauling for her business.
So far, Wynn is plowing most of her earnings from Patricia Services back into the business — to pay for things like its mobile phone bills, gasoline charges, the Care.com profile and the website.
"Looking toward 2022, I would like to add another staff member," Wynn says. "But I have to grow slowly because if that person is out sick, I'm the one that would have to service their clients."
And in the category of "long-term goals," Wynn is investigating expanding her client base by becoming a vendor with the North Carolina Client Assistance program, which helps state residents with disabilities live more independently.
But right now, she says — with a nod to the McDonald's slogan — "I'm loving it."
She adds: "I'm thrilled to not have to go back to managing Wendy's. I'm proud to be starting a new chapter in my life. I've helped make Wendy's and McDonald's owner operations millions over the years, so I'm looking at using the skills I developed there and making something of my own and working at my own pace."
This article is part of America's Entrepreneurs, a Next Avenue initiative made possible by the Richard M. Schulze Family Foundation and EIX, the Entrepreneur Innovation Exchange.

Our New Series: The First Year in the Life of a 50+ Entrepreneur

Sometimes you can pinpoint an exact moment that changed your life. In my case, it was an ad in the local newspaper that simply said: Free Tango Lesson. Barely divorced and rudderless, a single mother of three sons, I took a leap of faith and went. The moment I stepped on the dance floor I knew I wasn’t in Kansas anymore. Lured by the seductive Argentinean tango music, I still wanted to flee but instead I was quickly netted in the vortex of my tango journey.
Leap ahead two decades and not only am I still captivated by tango, but now I’m an ambassador. To me, tango is one of the last bastions of true romance and it’s particularly welcoming to those over 50 who have the maturity to appreciate tango’s moody, yet warm ways and who enjoy the dual benefits of exercise and social connection.
Tango is Accessible for Everyone
To be clear, Argentinean tango is slow and gentle and not to be confused with the more theatrical ballroom tango. Pretty much anyone can dance this tango. If you can walk, you can tango. In fact, even if you can barely walk, you can still tango.
One friend of mine has Parkinson’s and MS, others have replaced hips or knees, one is legally blind and has a cane and they all come to tango because, aside from its seductive reputation, tango heals body and soul.
Sherry, a slender woman in her early 50s from Montreal, is the sight-challenged dancer who comes by Uber and with a cane. She said, "I first came to tango because it was better than focusing on other, less positive things in my life. I soon forgot everything else in my life and became addicted to the music and the warm social friendships that develop."
Jay, a 50-something housewares rep also from Montreal, said, “If  Dancing With the Stars can make 60-something ex-football players into dancers, then anyone can dance tango!"

When I  began tango, my physicality was intact, but tango was still a healer. Newly single at 42, I was thrust into a new life without familiar moorings and tango revealed itself as a welcoming oasis. For one thing, at tango class, if you register on your own (as most people do), you’re given a partner. Tango studio organizers maintain an equal ratio of men to women or in a non-gender bias ratio in terms of equal proportion of leaders and followers. In a class, you regularly switch partners so as to better learn the steps with anyone.
Accustomed to dancing and relaxing with many different people, my cobwebs of self-consciousness were magically dusted away.
Tango also insisted I abandon my oft-told divorce tale, since you can’t really talk about profound things as you dance. Consequently, you are kept totally present.
Power of Connection
But I also noticed something else at tango that is probably at its core: it both awakens one’s primal need to be touched or held or it slakes it — it is the safest sex I know, as well as an evergreen, never-ending romance that begins with each new set of dances.
Each new partnership is a three-minute relationship that brings another experience of communication. To an outside observer, the physical connection appears sensuous, but it is truly about that baseline human resonance. That is something we all crave. And once experienced, it breeds an addiction to more of the same, which explains why, as Paul (a documentary filmmaker from Montreal) said, "Tango, for most people, is once or terminal.”
Michel Cyr, who works in economic development in Montreal, agreed: "Tango is the only dance I know that allows two strangers to experience such a deep emotional connection in just a few seconds”.
Adds Jennifer, 57, a  graphics artist from Montreal:  “You never really know someone until you dance with someone. But once you connect to something in them that connects with something in you, that is beyond a casual chat and it’s an intimate conversation. Once in the embrace, a barrier is breached and there’s always the possibility or surprise of resonance. You never know who it will happen with."
Many of the tango dancers I’ve spoken to emphatically agree about the abrazo (the embrace) which is as unique as their fingerprint.  Find a perfect or simpatico embrace and while this might not be a new relationship, you’ll experience an intimacy of human accord that has an innate gravitational pull.
Andrea Shepherd, a tango teacher and yoga teacher who owns Mon Tango studio in Montreal with her husband, said, “Tango looks so intense to outsiders and it is, but it’s not sexual. It also allows you to let go mentally and have these unique, if brief, connections with different people. That keeps me coming back, plus I am always improving my skill level."
The Tonic of Tango
In a time where Face Time is anything but, and couples sit in Starbucks communing with their smart phones, disconnection is the malaise of the times. In contrast, there’s the tonic of tango which defies today's socio-culture. (As a bonus, just browse stories extolling the virtues of dance and aging and add 10 health points).
But tango’s best kept secret is its sweet spot: it offers egalitarian romance music, movement and other warm bodies and has no age or time limit. It is unequivocally inclusive and embracive and (and this is no small thing) it will never quit you.
The moment someone says, “Shall we dance?” your heart sprouts wings and your soul comes home. So you might not meet your second spouse at tango, but you’ll reacquaint yourself with your original soulmate (you!) and fall back in love with life. You’ll be swept away to a world where you morph into something other than yourself or better yet, remember just who you are. And that is more than worth the price of admission.


Tango: Where Romance Is Ageless

Marcy Goldman

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