How 3 'Accidental Dads' Embraced Their Roles

Hiking and shared meals. Road trips and Scrabble games. Cleaning up spilled nail polish together. These experiences have created strong bonds between youngsters and three "accidental" dads, men who are not biological fathers but have fully embraced unexpected journeys as father figures.

When Steven Maggio met Joseph Mills 18 years ago, neither was looking for a serious relationship.

"Steven had never really considered having children in his life, certainly not in a parenting role, and many of his gay friends thought he was nuts getting involved with a man with young children," said Mills, 61. Eight months later, confident about a future together, Maggio met Mills' daughters, Olivia and Gracie, who were 5 and 9 at the time.

"Since then," Mills continued, "Steven has seen my daughters through everything from losing "Bun-Bun" — a precious toy rabbit — to difficult summer camp departures, two puberties, two sets of braces, high school drama, boyfriends, breakups, college drama and now their emergence into adulthood during the time of COVID-19."

Retired from an international career in dance, Mills now is an adjunct faculty member at Florida Atlantic University in Boca Raton, Fla. Maggio, a former director in the Office of the Comptroller of the Currency in the U.S. Department of the Treasury's New York City office, retired in 2014. The two were married on New Year's Eve in 2020 and live in Wilton Manors, part of the Miami metropolitan area.

Maggio, 66, remembers vividly what he calls "the moment I determined that I was, in fact, a dad." The girls were staying with Mills and Maggio at their home near Rhinebeck, N,Y. for part of the summer.  

"I was up early when Olivia, who was seven then, came to me, very upset," Maggio recalled. "Whimpering, she took me by the hand to the bathroom, where she had dropped a bottle of red nail polish and then tried to clean it up with nail polish remover. The bottle had exploded, and it looked like somebody had been murdered."

Though he and Mills had just remodeled the room, Maggio's immediate concern was for Olivia. "Instead of freaking out, I calmly told her we would clean it up together," he said. "That was a shift for me, as I realized I was more concerned about her than about my bathroom. Now both girls are young women and I couldn't be more proud as a stepdad. I feel like I contributed something important to their development."

Ashley Mitich would agree. "The more significant relationships children have with adults — and the more different layers of relationships with different people — the more that helps them build their identity in their early years and better adapt when they are grown," said Mitich, a clinical professional counselor and an associate professor of counseling at North Park University in Chicago.

Children tend to place any adult they feel connected to and spend time with in a parental role, Mitich said. She recommends that all "accidental" dads ask themselves what they can contribute in terms of skills, emotional support and "mentorship in adventure and exploration" with children in their care.

Michael Max says his love for his niece has deepened over the past four years since Max and his wife, Tracy, welcomed 12-year-old Alice into their home in suburban St. Louis, from her parents' house in southern China.

"There is a long tradition among Chinese parents to send their children abroad to get an education," said Max, 64. "The children become bilingual and bi-cultural, and that's an advantage later in life."

On a trial basis, Alice spent a month with the Maxes during the summer of 2016.

"During that visit, I saw two things," Max said. "The first was Alice's intelligence and sweet spirit. She was a truly likable young person — polite, but a bit mischievous, and strangely comfortable in her own skin for such a young person. The second was the way she and Tracy got along. The two of them have a deep and palpable connection, and I liked being in the room when they were together."

Max is an acupuncturist and Chinese herbalist. Tracy is a massage therapist from Xinjiang, in northwest China. They met when Max was studying in Taiwan and mainland China and they were married 12 years ago. Max had never considered having children, but he has warmed to his role.

"It has been a surprise to find myself lovingly protective of Alice," he said. "I want to help her grow into a resilient young woman so when she's off to college, work and the rest of her life, she'll know something of her own measure and have the wherewithal to chart her own way."

For now, the three enjoy watching movies or playing cards together after dinner, and during the pandemic, they took up Scrabble. This spring, they took a road trip through the South to check out an art school in Savannah, Ga. that interests Alice and to visit museums in Atlanta and Memphis.

Max said: "I treasure both the joy and the responsibility of being involved in this young woman's life."

A self-employed computer consultant in Sunnyvale, Calif., Clyde Lerner always wanted children but never married. A dozen years ago, while attending the East Bay Church of Religious Science in Oakland, he was invited to volunteer as a mentor for a young boy.

"I jumped at the chance," said Lerner, 58. With the other men who signed up, Lerner went through training and had a background check before meeting the boys, who had attended a three-month training.

Lerner was assigned to meet with Jordan, who was 10 at the time and lived in Union City, Calif.

"I went to his house, knocked on the door and met his mom. I called her 'Wonder Woman' because she was bringing up four sons and helping raise two nieces all while attending the University of California at Berkeley," Lerner said.

Jordan and Lerner set out on a walk through the neighborhood. "He was the most pleasant kid in the world — such a personable guy — and we had a great time," said Lerner.

After that, the two starting doing "fun stuff" together once a week, including many hikes in the San Francisco Bay Area and lunches. "I'm a vegan, and Jordan always ordered  the meatiest sandwiches on the menu," Lerner said, laughing.

The mentor program ended after one year, but the two continued to get together a couple of times a month. They visited the Exploratorium in San Francisco, a museum that emphasizes science, technology and arts. They took a short flight on a four-seater plane. They went to Yosemite National Park. Lerner taught Jordan to drive, took him to family gatherings and also got to know the boy's family.

"I just made it up as I went along," Lerner said. "I knew I could make a difference, and Jordan's mom said I did. Jordan never said much about it, but I learned from being with him that kids often don't say what's going on with them or talk about serious stuff. That gave me a glimpse of what fatherhood looks like, because I've heard people say parenting is a thankless job."

Still, the two have remained friends. Jordan, now 22, is in military basic training. Now that pandemic restrictions are easing, Lerner plans to look into another mentoring opportunity.

"I know I will again take some active role with youth," he said. "I believe in giving back."    

Patricia Corrigan is a professional journalist, with decades of experience as a reporter and columnist at a metropolitan daily newspaper, and also a book author. She has written for Next Avenue since February 2015. Read more from Patricia at latetothehaight.blogspot.com. Read More