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Am I Still Married After He's Gone?

Views on marital status after a spouse's death can vary with each person's experiences, beliefs, resilience and the nature of the relationship

By Myrna Marofsky

The early morning sun streamed into my den. It was my quiet time, something I've learned to relish. While sitting with my coffee and laptop reading emails, a calendar notification popped up in the corner of my computer screen announcing ANNIVERSARY.

My first thought was, "Hmm, that's interesting. Whose anniversary could it be?" A moment later, the realization hit me, and I blurted out, "OMG, it was mine!" 

Larry and I would have been married for 56 years. He died five years ago, and I forgot one of the most significant days in our lives.

A hand with a wedding ring pointing to a date on a calendar. Next Avenue, death of a spouse
A date on a calendar does not represent the place your late spouse holds in your heart.  |  Credit: Getty

Admittedly, there were a few unremarkable anniversaries that resulted in last-minute dashes for flowers or what felt like an obligatory dinner out. And in the last years with my husband's dementia, anniversaries were sad times more than celebrations. Still, the box of his sweet cards proclaiming his love and that our marriage will last forever remains on a shelf. 

"When your partner is no longer physically with you, part of the grieving process is learning to remember them and bring them into your world in different ways."

A date representing our commitment to each other was off my radar. Shocked at my forgetfulness, I tormented myself and wondered, "What does this mean? Am I losing the connection to him as his wife? Am I forgetting him?" My guilty conscience led me to wonder, "Am I still married?"

My day was ruined.

Seeking relief from the blues that had overcome me, I turned to some experts and understood that a date on a calendar does not represent the place Larry still holds in my heart.

Living Without Them, But Not Forgetting Them

Mary-Frances O'Connor, a neuroscientist and renowned grief expert, reports that there is comfort in the data we know from studying the grieving brain. "When you fall in love with someone, you change your brain, creating a WE. When your partner is no longer physically with you, part of the grieving process is learning to remember them and bring them into your world in different ways."

Her book, "The Grieving Brain," describes grief as constant learning — learning to figure out how we live in the world without them, but certainly not forgetting them. How we do that is deeply personal.

My calendar remembers dates. I remember my husband.

Even the slightest reminder jogs my memory of his antics, tender actions or words. I laugh inside thinking about his repeated bad jokes or wonder, "What would he say about that?" Sometimes I feel his presence, and when I'm lonely, I long for it.

My calendar remembers dates. I remember my husband.

But the truth is, as O'Connor states, I'm no longer a WE. I'm just ME.

So, am I still married?

Legally, a marriage ends with the death of a spouse. By law, you are deemed a widow, widower or "unmarried." Pick your category. I check the box "single."

Some sources recommend that a widowed woman be addressed as Mrs. out of respect for her deceased husband. Call me Myrna, please.

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To Miss Manners, a wedding ring is the symbol that broadcasts marital status. She offers "the right ring finger etiquette rule." Manners advises that a widow's ring be worn on the right ring finger and the widower's ring on the left little finger. This symbolic move allows them to express their marital status and still remember their deceased.

Without hesitation, I heard "Yes," "No," "I'm single," "I'm a widow." "I'm not a widow; I'm too young for that title."

I must have missed this rule. My wedding ring has not moved. First, it reminds me of my husband, and second, I love the ring. Another woman I know made her ring into a stylish necklace. A male friend took his ring off immediately after his wife died.

Not to worry, Miss Manners assures us, "Gentle Reader, there are no rules requiring or forbidding the widowed to remove their wedding rings. If you are seeking another romantic relationship, however, it would be polite to keep the ring from public view."

Widows Weigh In

Conducting my own unscientific survey, I reached out to ten women who lost their husbands in a range of one to eleven years. I asked them, "Are you still married now that your husband is gone? Without hesitation, I heard "Yes," "No," "I'm single," "I'm a widow." "I'm not a widow; I'm too young for that title." And this sadly humorous recollection, "My mother told me when my father died that she wished she would have gotten rid of him earlier."

The women immediately qualified their answers with, "And I'm not interested in getting married again." One woman stated emphatically, "I'm not going to be a nurse or a purse for anyone." Most women agreed they would consider a companion without strings. I think that is the senior way of saying "friends with benefits."

These anecdotal responses, combined with respected scientific research on grief and loss, confirm that views on marital status after a spouse is gone vary with each person's experiences, beliefs, pain, resilience and the nature of the relationship they had. Everyone is an expert on their situation. They know what fits them. There is no right or wrong answer.

Our perspective is impacted by time since the death, time in a marriage, and time in one's life.

However, "time" seems to be a significant influencer in how grief informs views on marital status. Our perspective is impacted by time since the death, time in a marriage, and time in one's life.

There does appear to be one commonality surrounding this question. We are all trying to move forward while honoring the memory of our missing partner. How we do that goes beyond calendar dates, labels or rules.

The Role of Meaning

The work of David Kessler, an expert on healing and loss and author of "Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief," helped me give myself grace for forgetting my anniversary and questioning what that forgetfulness meant.

Kessler expands the classic five-stage model of grief, which ends with Acceptance. He adds a sixth stage: Meaning. It's not about whether we believe we are married or not, but about finding meaning in the married life we had, finding meaning in what we learned from our partner, and then embedding that meaning into how we live our lives now. It's not really forgetting but remembering, learning and living. 

It's also forgiving ourselves for being human in the process, which is why I'm keeping the calendar notifications showing up on my computer.

Myrna Marofsky
Myrna Marofsky is an entrepreneur, consultant, mother, and grandmother. Having previously written two business books, it was her husband's dementia diagnosis that led her down a new path that resulted in her writing a memoir called To The Last Dance, A Partner's Story of Living and Loving Through Dementia. She frequently speaks to audiences encouraging them to redefine "caregiving" to Care-Living. Myrna is a Chapter Chair for the Women Presidents Organization, where she facilitates peer groups of women business owners. Read More
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