Breaking Bread Without the Bread

Hosting a meal requires navigating a minefield of dietary restrictions, food allergies, ethical eating choices, religious rules and self-imposed regimen, while not neglecting your own preferences. In the interest of a successful gathering of friends and family, it helps to check food needs in advance.

This simple step will be an act of consideration towards your guests as well as to yourself to avoid hurt feelings if food isn't eaten. If you're inviting a small number, you can ask directly; for larger gatherings, add to the RSVP: please let me know any dietary restrictions.

In one restaurant I patronized recently, the waiter asked about food allergies before taking our order. Food allergies affect an estimated 8% of children and 4% of adults. The most common allergies are fish, shellfish, nuts, milk, eggs, wheat and soy. Food allergy reactions can be as mild as itching, swelling or lightheadedness or as severe as constriction of the airways.

I was in the habit of putting out a bowl of mixed nuts on a coffee table or credenza when I had company. We need to be vigilant about leaving nuts within reach if there may be a child with an allergy, otherwise the party could end with an emergency room visit. That bowl of mixed nuts can go on the serving table.

It's not only the children we have to safeguard. Older adults often have health-related restrictions. They can include low salt, low sugar, low fat, no dairy and one I just learned about, low potassium. Including vegetable and fruit platters can help these guests stick to their diets. I have discussed menus with a friend who has health issues to receive helpful feedback about what to serve.

As to religious restrictions, become familiar with the rules. When I was invited to my future in-laws' home for the first time, they thought that I might observe a Kosher diet. Kosher observance is complex: no mixing of meat and dairy; no shellfish or fish without fins or scales; and no product from a pig. My husband's parents proudly announced that they made sure not to serve pork and then brought out the ham.

Ethical eating choices are a challenge. My family has vegans, vegetarians and pescatarians. My nephew lives by the rule that if it has eyes, he won't eat it. Our barbecues, these days, are more likely to offer salmon than burgers, or both, and clams to appease any guests who adhere to my nephew's guideline. On Thanksgiving, you will find a dish of Tofurky (plant-based turkey substitute) next to the platter of carved turkey.

The vegan diet is the most difficult for me to accommodate because I cook with milk, butter and eggs. My best food offering for vegan guests is Mediterranean: olives, stuffed grape leaves and chickpea dishes like hummus and falafel. When I told a vegan friend who was coming for lunch that I was ordering from a Greek restaurant, she was quick to point out she doesn't like olives, leaving me to believe this has been frequently served to her and not well received.

I still regret the lack of sensitivity I showed when I planned the food for my husband's birthday party at a baseball stadium. Thinking of typical ballpark fare, it featured trays of hot dogs and chicken wings. My vegetarian sister-in-law traveled cross country to attend the milestone celebration. She fended for herself and went to the stadium food court for a slice of pizza. If I had given it a thought, I would have added a few pizza pies to the buffet. Variety will always be the answer.

If you have a weight-conscious crew or someone with intolerance to gluten, you may have a bread-free meal, rendering the term "breaking bread" moot. On the other hand, I'm looking forward to biscuits with gravy and turkey stuffing for Thanksgiving. I'm a fan of traditional foods and won't deprive myself of them in my quest to satisfy others' needs.

My son follows intermittent fasting and doesn't eat from nine in the evening until noon the next day. If he stays overnight, he won't join us for a bacon and egg breakfast or a pancake brunch, so there's no point in offering. It can be perceived as nagging to try to convince someone to eat something they don't want, even when well-intentioned.

Our relationship with caffeine is complicated: people crave it, limit intake or abstain. If I'm staying at anyone's home, I let them know I need to have coffee in the morning or I'll get a withdrawal headache. Common sensitivity to caffeine, especially in the evening, leads me to offer decaffeinated as well as regular coffee after a meal. I usually serve both milk and half and half, but you may have an almond milk crew.

My office has a coffee station. There were so many milk preferences (whole, 1%, 2%, fat free, lactose free) that the office manager suggested buying a cow instead and letting everyone prepare their own. That was flatly vetoed by the almond milk contingent. It was resolved by taking a cue from BYOB (Bring Your Own Bottle), instituting a BYOC (Bring Your Own Creamer) protocol.

Comedian Lois Morton lamented the difficulty of hosting a party given the number of dietary restrictions her guests had and expanded the bring-your-own concept to BYOF (Bring Your Own Food). She said she would provide the table settings and have a menu-less dinner party. It sounds a lot like the revival of the potluck dinner.

While BYOF was meant as a joke, it's not out of line to suggest to someone who follows a stringent diet to bring a dish, with extra to share. They may welcome the suggestion rather than worry that it would be offensive to show up with their own food. If a guest offers to bring a dish, be sensitive to the fact that it may be their way of assuring they will have something suitable to eat, so best not to be dismissive.

It may not be feasible to cater to every need, but you can open the dialogue for a more festive meal. If you think it's too much of a bother, consider that there's nothing gained from preparing a feast that goes uneaten, but at the same time, don't neglect your own food favorites in deference to your guests.

Linda Goor Nanos is a practicing attorney, author, wife, mother and grandmother. Her writing credits include a memoir "Forty Years of PMS," professional articles and published essays on life lessons. Read More