Confronting Haunting Regrets Can Free Up the Future

Back in 1960, Edith Piaf insisted in "Non, Je ne Regrette Rien" that she had no regrets, and since then, some high-end car and chocolate manufacturers — and even insurance companies — have featured Piaf's tuneful assertion in their television ads. Conversely, in "I Did It My Way," Frank Sinatra boldly admitted to a few regrets.

Which is better?

"In the human experience, regret is ubiquitous, and if we treat it right, it makes us highly functional," Daniel Pink told Next Avenue. "We have been led to believe that the way to be satisfied or happy is to always look forward and always be positive, never look back and never be negative. That's bad advice."

Pink, 59, a best-selling author, explains why in his book "The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward," and he elaborated in the interview from his home in Washington, D.C. Wallowing in our regrets is a bad idea, he said, but so is ignoring them.

 "Thinking about them, using them as information or data — that helps us make progress," Pink said. "Scientists say letting in negative emotions is important to flourish, because when we wish we had or hadn't done something, those emotions are the most powerful."

In his World Regret Survey, Pink has gathered more than 26,000 regrets from individuals in 134 countries. He found that most regrets fall into four categories: foundation regrets, boldness regrets, moral regrets and connection regrets.

From a public opinion survey of a representative sample of 4,400 Americans, Pink learned that regrets of inaction — remorse over what we didn't do — increase as we age. The survey revealed that by age 50, when we have a lot to look back on, inaction regrets are three times as common as action regrets.

"We tend to regret what we did not do, rather than what we did," Pink said, "and with inaction, it's hard to find a silver lining and we can't make amends." Still, he noted that we can learn a great deal from our regrets about inaction in the past.

"Boldness regrets are about growth, about not wasting our vanishingly short time on the planet," Pink said. "How we use these regrets determines how we'll flourish the rest of our lives, shows us the path to a good life now that we have enough years to know what we value most."

To avoid future boldness regrets, Pink recommends taking action. "Do something. Ask someone on a date, start a side hustle, travel to the places you want to go — particularly if you are over 50 — so you will not be imprisoned later by what might have been," Pink said. "At many junctures, we can play it safe or take a chance, and in general, the lesson is to have a bias for action. It often works out better than you suspected, and it can extinguish future inaction regret."

Pink offers these tips for dealing with regrets: For an action you regret, undo it or try to repair the damage. Instead of dwelling on "if only," switch to "at least" to find a silver lining. Consider relieving the regret by telling others about it, or writing about it privately. Have the same compassion for yourself that you would for a friend. Distance yourself by analyzing the regret, and then think about what you learned.

"So many of us close our eyes and plug our ears to our regrets, and that doesn't move us forward," Pink said. "When we reflect on them, when we confront them, we can extract lessons from them, and that can get us to act." The last line in his book, he said, is "in some ways" the whole point. That line reads: "Regret — that maddening, perplexing and undeniably real emotion — points the way to a life well lived."  

In Niall Williams' profound (and funny) novel "This Is Happiness," Noel, the aging narrator, posits that the point of our later years may be a time to allow ourselves past blunders, and forgive ourselves for them. He notes, "I'm at an age now when in the early mornings I'm often revisited by all my own mistakes, stupidities and unintended cruelties. They sit around the edge of the bed and look at me and say nothing. But I see them well enough."

Some regrets may surface in the wee hours of the night. In a recent Facebook post titled "Notes from the Insomniac's Diary," Roseann Weiss wrote: "It is a long night of ghosts and clouds. Of gone friends and soft sighs. Of regrets and deep breaths. Everything is air. Wisps. Nothing. And everything. Everything we need to still be here when the sun rises."

A poet and arts activist based in St. Louis, Missouri, Weiss, 71, told Next Avenue: "For me, the middle of the night is a real liminal space between consciousness and sleep, an interesting time where things float in and out." Her posts — with no editing or revising — serve as a creative outlet for her.

"I write a post and get back to sleep," Weiss said. "What I wrote that night expressed that any regrets popping up were just air, not important though not unimportant, because we are not going to let it overwhelm us. We'll keep going no matter what."

She added, "As we age, we know that we can't change anything from the past, even if we stay up all night worrying — and that's okay. We just have to acknowledge our regret, and say that it's all fine."

Patricia Corrigan is a professional journalist, with decades of experience as a reporter and columnist at a metropolitan daily newspaper, and also a book author. She has written for Next Avenue since February 2015. Read more from Patricia at latetothehaight.blogspot.com. Read More