I Was the 'Dating Diva.' Now I'm Married for 20 Years.

I am about to celebrate 20 years of marriage to a wonderful man. Jennie Young, founder of the popular Burned Haystack Dating Method  — which is focused on helping women cull good men from dating apps — would say he's "a neeedle." The idea is that to locate a needle in a haystack (dating pool), you need to burn the haystack to the ground (get rid of the unsuitable people).

My "needle" is a great father to our teenage daughter and a stoic but loving partner to emotionally expressive me. He always makes sure to bring me a cup of coffee when he brews it, knows I'm obsessed with Fleetwood Mac and 80s dance music, acts as my gentle alarm clock on the daily and calms me with his pat phrase, "we'll sort it out," a panacea for my soul.

Before I met my husband, I was a single magazine editor in New York City, specializing in articles for single and divorced women. After helming a dating column, I became the "Dating Diva" and taught my strategies to lovelorn singles on TV talk shows such as Ricki Lake and Rolanda (Watts) and at the Learning Annex, where I led seminars on Power Dating titled "How to Meet Your Mate" or "Just a Date."

Back then there was no Tinder, apps or swiping left or right, just online dating and email and letter personal ads. I followed the popular book "The Rules," which helped women believe they deserved a good man by acting as if we were a "Creature Unlike Any Other" and cultivating a mindset of abundance; then I added in a healthy helping of intuition and self-protection.

I started looking at dating as a sport, one where I wanted to excel (remember I taught Power Dating) but also one where I was constantly trying to improve. This meant I said "next" and quickly moved on, getting rid of weak players, once I determined we weren't a match.

These are the tenets of dating I taught and followed that helped me narrow down the dating pool and made me the center of my own life and not one orbiting a person.

So many women were trying to win someone over that I vowed not to do that. So while I was enthusiastic on a date (my natural personality), I kept in mind the business concept that a powerful person does not expend energy trying to sell themselves to the other person. Instead, a powerful person conserves energy and tries to draw out the other person without putting them on a pedestal.

If you gush over the person when you're first dating and act like they are so special because they are good looking, rich or successful, they won't trust you. Why? Because they know they have flaws that you haven't yet discovered, and will feel [your flattery] is not real because you don't really know them.

Credit: Courtesy of Estelle Erasmus

The flip side is you don't yet have enough information to know that the person is worthy of your energy, interest and attention. This knowledge helped me tamp down my own nervous energy, so I was able to relax and focus on connecting with my date. I was also an expert at micro flirting — casting little smiles, looking away and then making eye contact again.

As a journalist, I loved gathering information, and so almost like a game, I applied the same method I used interviewing sources to dating and using open-ended questions. "Do you like your job?" is not a good question because it can be answered with a yes or a no. "What is the favorite part of your job and why do you like it?" worked better.

To see what someone valued I would playfully ask, "If you won a million dollars tomorrow, what would you do with it?" Another question I asked was if they've kept in touch with friends from earlier in their lives (if not, it was an indication that they may find it easy to disconnect).

I believe that the way someone treats an innocent third party (such as a waiter, a bus boy, a cab driver) is the way that they will ultimately end up treating you when they are sure that they have won you over. Today this is called The Broken Window Theory, and the concept is that little red flags add up to a big one. Sure, everyone has an occasional bad day, but you ultimately want someone gentle and compassionate so it's important to watch out for patterns.

I also needed to see that someone was consistently investing time, energy and thought into dating me, and would have reacted strongly to what is now called "Penny Dating" in which someone gradually pulls away, so that to maintain your interest all they need to do is throw you a few "pennies" from time to time — this is the case of friends with benefits.

In order to bring love into my life, I had to raise my standards, believe I deserved love and form an intention to have it in my life. Since I have such a vivid imagination, "Future-Faking," where people make promises that they have no intent of keeping, would have been my Kryptonite.

Back then I used my creativity to visualize a mystery person's arms around me and imagined how good it would feel to be adored by someone wonderful. I then used affirmations such as "The perfect person is coming. I don't have to worry. My love is in me." I also got rid of clutter and made space in my apartment with the spiritual thought that you have to clean out your pots and pans to cook new food.

So, before I met my husband I cleared out mementos from old relationships, put away photos, donated a dress I'd broken up in, and even gave away a bracelet my ex had gifted me. Now I had room in my life for someone new.

I was an expert at getting that second date. If I liked someone, I would look them in the eye and say, "I had a really great time with you, it was a lot of fun." I didn't act cool (of course, I never was). The way I looked at it being honest didn't make me lose power because when you're not afraid to say what you feel, that's true power.  

After I met my husband at a friend's business event, and we talked all night, and made eye contact while sitting opposite each other at dinner, he gave me his card. I invited him to a friend's birthday party in Central Park in two weeks. I knew he had only recently moved to New York, so I said, "I know you haven't been here that long since moving from Texas, and you might enjoy it." He was already interested, but I was very friendly, which added to my allure.

This is one that surprised me, but it makes so much sense, and I don't think a lot of people take it into account. A guy friend told me to find someone that you can sit in the silence with. For a constant communicator like me, that was a hard piece of advice to take. But it's so true. Think about it: most of the time we spend with someone is not talking but just being together.

The day I realized that I didn't feel I had to be "on" all the time with the person I was dating, nor did I want to be, was the day I was able to relax into the relationship.

And 20 years later, threading and wedding my "needle" was the best decision I've ever made.

Estelle Erasmus Estelle Erasmus, author of Writing That Gets Noticed: Find Your Voice, Become a Better Storyteller, Get Published, is a professor of writing at New York University, hosts the Freelance Writing Direct podcast, and is a contributing editor for Writer's Digest. Find her at  estelleserasmus.com; her Substack and @EstelleSErasmus on Instagram, X , BlueSky and TikTok. She is writing a memoir based on her years as the "Dating Diva" doling out advice and searching for love in the 90s and early aughts while working as an editor in the chaotic, often misogynistic magazine industry. Read More