Does Everyone Feel Invisible?

I don't remember exactly when I started to feel "invisible" to others in society but I know that the feeling increased with intensity over time. I tried to fight that feeling by thinking it doesn't really matter — or it shouldn't matter — and that sometimes people are just ignorant. Yet, that stomach- turning, overwhelming sadness, if not anger, would grip me.

A few years ago, I explored how and why many older women feel this way and published an essay (Boomer Magazine). I expected to hear primarily from older women who might share their stories with me.

But I was wrong.

Although I did hear from some older women (and older men), I was stunned to hear from many younger women as well as people from a variety of other groups, e.g., the LGBTQ community, people of color, and people with disabilities. These readers responded to my essay with great passion, many imploring me to expand the treatment of invisibility in society to include their stories as well.

Here is a brief sample of some of those reactions:

• A gay man talked about family gatherings at the holidays when he would return home and while everyone was so enthusiastic to hear stories about each other since the last gathering, people never asked him for an update. Experiencing this at many family gatherings over the years, he got the message that no one wanted to hear about his life.
• A young professional woman serving in a well-deserved, high-level position at a financial firm was assigned to greet a new, very wealthy client. This young professional welcomed the new client with poise, indicating that she would handle her account. In return, the client snorted and rolled her eyes upon seeing the young woman. She then asked, “How old are you?”  
• An African American woman recalled a day when she was taking a walk with two other women, all three pushing baby strollers. One of her companions was a biracial Asian woman and the other was White. Incredibly, people walking by would comment with great excitement about the attractive features of the White (and blonde) baby while not saying one word about the other two babies.
• An older woman with a neurological disorder recalled a social gathering where she stood struggling to juggle both a drink and her appetizer plate simultaneously. A man came by and asked if she wanted a chair. After he placed a chair outside the circle of where the action was, he walked away.

The more stories that I heard, the more I began to wonder: Does everyone feel invisible in our society, if for different reasons?

I approached a respected expert in the field of social psychology, Susan T. Fiske, Ph.D., Emerita Professor of Psychology and Public Affairs at Princeton University. She said, "People pay attention to those who control outcomes — so that means rich people, a boss, and typically men are seen as more powerful than women. But older people (and especially those who are retired), children, and homeless [people] are examples of people in society having no power, no control over others' outcomes. Therefore they are basically invisible to others."

I asked if this were a uniquely American issue and she said no, that she has studied this phenomenon in numerous countries. Her conclusion was that while "competence" and "power" might be defined differently across the globe, the same visibility/invisibility continuum arises reliably elsewhere in the world as well.

A well-known expert in aging research, Laura Carstensen, Ph.D., Professor of Psychology and Director of the Stanford Center on Longevity at Stanford University and a Next Avenue Influencer in Aging, explored the aging angle more deeply with me.

She concluded, "We older folks can complain about being ignored along with other ills in society for sure, but, as a group, we are doing much better than younger people. Decades of research have shown that older people enjoy a more positive emotional well being than the young… and my research showed that this was true even during COVID when older people were physically the more vulnerable group, those more likely to get sick."

Carstensen, who did a TedTalk called "Older People Are Happier," acknowledged that despite reams of research to the opposite, stereotypes still exist about older people being less emotionally healthy than their younger counterparts. In fact, the term "paradox of aging" was coined years ago to address the fact that losses attendant with aging do not reduce emotional well being as had been assumed. Instead, research demonstrates that aging actually improves it.  

Based primarily on my conversations with these experts, below are some possible "solutions" to employ when you find yourself feeling invisible in the future:

1. Speak up (judiciously) when you are being ignored. Fiske cautioned that it's a good idea to weigh the risks of doing that, and find an appropriate way to make your point without making people feel defensive.

2. Vote with your feet if you are in a restaurant or a store and are being ignored. Don't give them your business and tell others why you don't patronize those establishments.

3. Find or create your own group of like-minded people who clearly do "see" you. This doesn't mean it has to be your own particular in-group, i.e. older people, but a group who is inclusive and "sees" its members.

4. Internalize a positive mantra like "Go ahead. Underestimate me. This will be fun!" Have that mantra kick in when someone doesn't see you. Then speak up and show your brilliance.

5. Remind yourself that you are probably doing better emotionally than the offender (as a member of the older cohort in society) and try to reframe the offense as a "slight" or as "irritating" but not as devastating.

Just about everyone, not only older people, feels invisible from time to time. (And of course some feel it more strongly than do others.) While it is appalling and painful to learn how widespread this phenomenon is, it is also instructive.

I now wonder if I, too, contribute to the problem by ignoring other groups. After all, if so many people feel invisible, I just may be partly to blame for some of this societal distress. I certainly don't intend to harm anyone, but however innocent, I may be a culprit from time to time. Therefore, I plan to make a special effort to really "see" people that I might otherwise not have seen in the past.

Also, knowing that decades of research have shown that older people are basically happier than cultural stereotypes might suggest is a real boon, a big spirit lifter. I will remind myself of that when I envy younger people for whatever passing reason or when I feel invisible in some social setting. I plan to focus instead on getting back to living my best life.

Barbara A. Wanchisen Barbara A. Wanchisen, Ph.D., is a writer based in Washington, DC.  Read More