An Estate Clean Out Can Weigh on Mental Health

More than 4 million baby boomers are turning 65 this year. That's the largest number of people in U.S. history to reach this age in a single year. From 2024 through 2027, more than 11,200 Americans will turn 65 every day totaling over 4.1 million every year, according to estimates from the Retirement Income Institute at the Alliance for Lifetime Income.

As this population continues to age and eventually die, the need for downsizing and/or organizing the estate clean outs of parents, extended families and friends is increasing. And so is the stress.

Not all relatives live close by and can or are willing to help. Some people must do this work alone or hire companies to facilitate. I helped clean out my parents' home after their deaths, and now I offer to assist my friends with this often-overwhelming task.

Since I am less emotionally involved than my friends who have experienced the loss, I find I can organize and sort through belongings, move through tasks and suggest places to donate items more easily.

The job of downsizing has gotten larger in recent years, now that homes are bigger and filled with more belongings. Some people also rent storage units that must be emptied. The U.S. Self-Storage market is estimated at $44.33 billion in 2024, and is projected to reach $50 billion by 2029.  

"I have been advising, appraising and arranging sales of estates for at least 40 years. I remember the days when it would take my partner and me one day to arrange the items in a small house or an apartment for the sale," says Helaine Fendelman of Helaine Fendelman & Associates in New York. "Today, that is a dream - I have a younger friend who has been trying to straighten her deceased mother's apartment for the past two years. She has been paying rent/maintenance on that home during this time."

"Meanwhile, when I went to visit the apartment recently, I saw no progress — books and paintings strewn throughout the house, paper and cardboard in every one of the six rooms," says Fendelman. "She is stalled and stuck and still in mourning and having trouble moving forward."

After her husband died last February, Fendelman says she had a hard time moving forward, too. "I set a daily goal for myself and do what needs to be done regarding his personal effects. Fortunately, I have had family and friends help me. It helps that I am still working and advising in my business life. I also exercise at least 3 to 4 times a week. I am an active and social person and that helps too," she says.

"Facing the task of an estate clean out can be overwhelming, both physically and emotionally. First, prioritize self-care by acknowledging the emotional weight involved. It's normal to feel a mix of grief, nostalgia and even stress," advises Kristie Tee, a psychotherapist with Uncover Mental Health Counseling in New York. "Consider enlisting help from family, friends or professional organizers to share the load. Break tasks into manageable chunks to avoid burnout and ensure thoroughness without feeling rushed."

Setting aside time to take care of yourself and get support from a network of friends and family helps people maintain a sense of emotional balance.

"When you're dealing with the loss of a loved one, emotions run high, and the process of emptying their home or apartment can intensify an already challenging moment," says Dan Lagani, co-founder and chief executive officer, Silver Solutions, which provides senior-focused home services, including estate clean outs, senior move management and home safety solutions nationwide.

Working with end-of-life issue experts is less isolating and can reduce the physical burden of emptying a home. "By bringing in compassionate specialists who focus on this type of work, you give yourself the space to prioritize your well-being, knowing that experienced professionals are managing the heavy lifting and guiding the process with empathy. You're not just sorting through items — you're revisiting memories and preserving family treasures for generations to come," Lagani says, adding that honoring the memories associated with items that are being let go can ease the intensity of grief.

Tse points out the practical tip of categorizing items into groups: keep, donate, sell and discard. "This method helps in making decisions efficiently and with intention. Having a clear plan can reduce the mental burden, highlighting small accomplishments," she says. "Give yourself permission to pause, reflect and honor memories, understanding that this process is not only about letting go of physical items but also about transition."

Jeannie Campbell, licensed marriage and family therapist at Hope Mountain Counseling in Oregon, explains that after the death of her mother and before an estate sale, she helped her 83-year-old father go through the family home that held items accumulated over 40 years.

"We first started with his personal items that inherently meant a lot, such as yearbooks, sporting awards, educational mementoes, photos, etc. Then I encouraged him to spend time in each room, visually taking in the contents, allowing memories to come up and play out," she says.

Campbell recommends limiting this process to one room per day, if possible, to reduce emotional strain. "Dad said 'goodbye' to that room, to those recollections, with intention, and then could determine if anything in the room 'spoke' to him loud enough to want to take with him to his assisted living community," she says.

According to Fendelman, letting go is also a factor in estate clean outs because there is a finality to this situation and there is a fear of forgetting or doing the incorrect thing and regretting it later. Reaching out and then taking the advice of someone else is very hard, as I see with my friend and her attachment to her mother and her items," she explains.

"It's normal to feel a range of emotions, and progress can be slow. Seeking professional support, if needed, can be incredibly helpful," says Ehab Youssef, a licensed clinical psychologist and mental health researcher and writer at Mentalyc.

"Many clients find that working with a counselor or therapist during this time helps them process grief and manage the emotions that arise from letting go. This is a journey that doesn't have to be perfect or rushed. By setting a compassionate pace, asking for help and prioritizing your well-being, you're honoring both your memories and your path forward," Youssef says.

• Let family members select items that they want, recommends Matt Paxton in his book, "Keep the Memories, Lose the Stuff."

• Creating a legacy list of five items (heirlooms and the memories attached to them) that are most meaningful to a family and telling their story. This enables relatives to embrace their family history while they are letting go of many items, Paxton says.
  
• Ask for help from family, friends and local companies who specialize in this type of work
  
• Take pictures of belongings for remembrance instead of keeping the physical items.
  
• If you plan to use a service, search for an insured company with positive reviews that specializes in end-of-life and age-related issues, Lagani advises. Make sure the team members are trained, sensitive and experienced. Additionally, the service should provide clear communication about the disposition of belongings — whether items will be donated, recycled or discarded.
  
• Depending on the items in the estate, decide if it is worth it to have an estate auction or tag sale. Reflect on if that would be emotionally too much for you and your loved ones.
  
• Donate to local organizations, such as Goodwill, Habitat for Humanity, etc.
  
• Give things away for free: post on Local Buy Nothing and community groups regarding free items people can pick up and use right away.
  
• Consider your physical health and don’t move things that are heavy or awkward. Even a minor injury can set back your mental health. Do not climb on chairs and be mindful when on a ladder. Consider hiring a junk hauler if there are large items that you do not know how to dispose. Don gloves and a mask when dealing with dusty, moldy or dirty items.
  
• Resist the urge to purchase additional storage space that will have additional monthly fees and prolong the downsizing task.

Lisa B. Samalonis is a writer and editor based in New Jersey. She writes about health, parenting, books and personal finance. Read More