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Finding My Way Through Old Age

Staying healthy in body and mind is helping me navigate these years with gratitude

By Robert W. Goldfarb

At 92, I know virtually nothing of the science of aging. I'm not a doctor, nurse, physical therapist, social worker or nutritionist. What I do know about growing old, I've learned on my own journey into my nineties. Without a shred of medical evidence, I believe that if one is basically healthy, the way we respond to aging is a decision made by the mind, not by the body. 

An older adult standing with his granddaughter outside. Next Avenue
Robert Goldfarb and Cara, his granddaughter, at her 2021 wedding to Sumeet Marwaha, a four-day Indian wedding with Jewish elements.  |  Credit: Courtesy of Robert Goldfarb

As long as I'm fortunate enough to enjoy moderately good health, I'm determined to continue taking these small steps as I grow older. 

I'm not as strong, as flexible, or as mentally supple as I was even a year or two ago. But my body seems to listen when I ask it to run three-mile races, to lift bags of groceries without a cashier's help, to fly across the country to visit family and to accept invitations when it's easier to stay home. As long as I'm fortunate enough to enjoy moderately good health, I'm determined to continue taking these small steps as I grow older. 

Good health, of course, has a way of fleeing somewhere along that journey. Tethered to fragile bones and listless muscles, several of my friends suffer disabilities that keep them in almost constant pain. Sleep offers little respite, as spasms in one body part or another shock them awake. Just rising from a chair calls upon muscles that no longer respond. I speak with these friends about many things, but know it would be cruel to ask if they share my belief that we have a modest voice in the way we age.

Physical Challenges May Await

I know physical challenges are out there stalking me, waiting for me to become available prey. A scratch I barely feel bleeds through multiple band-aids. The slightest graze stamps an angry welt. My arthritic shoulder bones grate audibly when I raise my arms.  

I'm aware I'm a stumble away from a walker; that one of those welts could eventually foretell something lethal. Infirmities reluctantly prowl away now, but remain confident I'm future prey. Until something pounces on me, I hope to journey deeper into my nineties with purpose, sometimes even with passion.

Coping with old age and its uncertainties has become much harder for me. Just before the pandemic struck, my wife of 66 years died suddenly and unexpectedly. From the time I was 23 years old until weeks before my ninetieth birthday, Muriel was alongside me. I felt safe just knowing she was on the other side of our bed. But now Muriel was gone, taking with her the confidence with which we traveled together through old age.

I sensed something else was needed if I were to be more than a lonely old man struggling to find his way.

From the first moments of our loss, my children and grandchildren have surrounded me with love. Close friends touch me with acts of kindness. As the weeks became months and now years, that love carried the first hint that I could rediscover the path I had hoped to follow through these final years.

That path would have remained forever blocked without the love and kindness of my family and close friends. But I sensed something else was needed if I were to be more than a lonely old man struggling to find his way. I couldn't name what else was needed, but felt its absence in both my body and my mind. 

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Attending to my body was not new to me and I would begin there. I'd long been a "gym rat" but feared going to a gym even as the pandemic lifted. I would begin exercising in my living room, doing squats, crunches, planks, lunges, push-ups and stretches with no one nearby to offer suggestions or encouragement. 

Buying a book on exercising without equipment made it possible to strengthen my body for the journey that lay ahead. But preparing my mind for that journey required more of me than a book and makeshift gym.

Discovering Meditation

A Buddhist friend, knowing of my search, guided me to part of myself I had rarely entered before. He encouraged me to meditate and introduced me to spiritual teachers who led guided meditations I could join on my iPhone. For 30 minutes every day, I now slip into the stillness I discovered was there, deep within me.  

I no longer feel my journey is a lonely one. I think less about what I lost and more about what I had for all those years.

I began studying the sacred texts of several religions and met with a Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, a Hindu guru and a Hasidic rabbi. I'm not a religious man, but knew it wasn't reason that would illuminate my path, but something I would have to find, not in my mind but in my being. 

Meditating and talking with those who search for their own path through life led me to a quiet place within myself. Life became less stressful, gentler. Words that once would have floated past now draw me inward. Stillness, compassion, loving awareness, calm, acceptance, mindfulness, became more than  just words; they led me back to the path I thought I had lost.

I no longer feel my journey is a lonely one. I think less about what I lost and more about what I had for all those years. I'm profoundly grateful for the love of my children and grandchildren and the kindness of friends. And for something deep within me that is leading me to where it knows I must go.

Robert W. Goldfarb
Robert W. Goldfarb served as founder and president of Urban Directions, Inc. (UDI), a management consulting firm that mentored managers and management teams to achieve their fullest potential. He closed UDI in 2021 to concentrate on writing and serving as a volunteer mentor to aspiring entrepreneurs. His articles have appeared in The New York Times, The San Francisco Chronicle and elsewhere. His book, "What's Stopping Me From Getting Ahead" was published by McGraw-Hill. Read More
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