Getting My ‘Brave’ Back in Barcelona
Blindsided by the loss of a job and the end of a long relationship at age 62, a woman takes a risk and puts her life back together
My confidence and self-esteem were at an all-time low. Sudden life changes of being laid off and single at 62 had completely blindsided me. Budget cuts at work ended my job of 12 years and the man I'd loved for decades ended our relationship.
Plans to retire in two years and then live and travel together were replaced with heartbreak, self- doubt and fears about my future. I felt discarded and vulnerable, personally and professionally. "Seriously?!" I cried inside. "I have to start over?"
The idea of re-entering the job market was depressing; ever falling in love again, unimaginable. I didn't want to compete with much younger candidates for a new job or, when my heart healed, a new man. I was emotionally thigh-deep in hip waders, trudging through my days without purpose or direction. I barely recognized myself.
What Would Make Me Happy?
I needed a goal to pull myself out of my funk. But what did I want? What would make me feel truly alive again? I didn't know anymore. Months passed and my anxiety grew as I struggled for answers.
Searching my soul for inspiration, my mind drifted back to a visit I made to Spain after finishing college and the exhilaration I felt the moment my college Spanish clicked into place like gears of an engine. I was thinking in Spanish and it was flowing out my mouth! I recall tossing my dictionary aside with abandon, ordering another Rioja (type of wine) and having a long conversation with the village bartender, somewhere in Andalusia.
Was it time to take the Spanish immersion course I dreamed of? Was I too old? Was it too late? Was I brave enough to try on my own?
Many years have passed since then and I forgot most of the Spanish I knew, but I wanted to experience that feeling again. I wondered: Was it time to take the Spanish immersion course I dreamed of? Was I too old? Was it too late? Was I brave enough to try on my own?
I dusted off my old college notebooks, began daily lessons on the Duolingo website and discovered Ella Verbs, an excellent site for learning verb tenses and conjugations. Then I found a tutor on Preply and began weekly virtual sessions with Valaria in Costa Rica. While I was often frustrated by my lack of recall, my language skills and confidence improved little by little and I grew hungry for an immersive learning experience.
I researched language schools, found several of interest, and narrowed my list to two. Nosara Spanish Institute in Costa Rica was appealing with its chill vibe, proximity to the beach and optional add-on classes in yoga or surfing. Camino Barcelona offered an urban European experience, cultural activities each day, and weekend trips to other coastal towns. I looked at classroom videos, Facebook posts, read reviews and ruminated for weeks before putting a month of Intensive + Conversation classes on my credit card.
Deciding to Take the Plunge
Holy cow! Was I really doing this? It had been 30 years since I took a trip alone — and that was only a four-day weekend in Arizona. In three weeks I would be a student in Barc-alone-a. The feeling was both freeing and a little terrifying.
Ten days prior to my flight my physician literally "prescribed" reading "Eat Pray Love" — and taking meds, of course.
"I read it," I said.
"Read it again," she insisted, which I discovered later to be wise professional advice. My anxiety escalated and I nearly canceled the whole thing as departure day approached, even within hours of takeoff.
Arriving at the Barcelona airport, I bought a SIM card for my phone, navigated my way into town and felt glimmers of my old badass self as I rode the bus, like a local — not an Uber, like a tourist. My "home" for the next month was six flights up in a building with a broken elevator; it also was in the Gothic Quarter, 20 minutes from school. I thought I'd die in the stairwell hauling my heavy bags in 95-degree heat, only to find a small dusty fan in my room.
I, like the apartment, was beyond tired. With the shouting in the alley beneath my window, I barely slept two hours my first night there and couldn't bear the thought of a second. In the morning I spoke with the school housing staff. By the afternoon I was in a new apartment two blocks from school, grateful for central air, a working elevator and for earning a seat in a higher-level class.
My ego beamed when placed in level B1, only to be humbled by the challenge of it. The students were considerably younger than me and their Spanish education more recent. I was in the 8% of students aged 56 and older and hadn't been in a Spanish class for 32 years. I tried to not be intimidated by the 15-year-old next to me who spoke six languages.
My Epiphany on a Beach
One day, after my usual five hours of classes, I grabbed some sunscreen, a towel, "Eat Pray Love," and headed for the Metro to Barceloneta beach. I read the book with fresh eyes and found comfort in the parallels between Elizabeth Gilbert's life experiences and my own — from loss of self and heartbreak to traveling to Europe for the love of a language. I laughed aloud at how, during the placement test on the first day of class, she — like I — begged the teacher, "Please don't put me in Level 1."
Reading on the beach that day I felt lighter and happier. I had traveled a long way to study Spanish again only to relearn a more valuable lesson. There wasn't one thing — a job, a trip, a class, or a relationship — that would restore my confidence and self-esteem. They were intact. I just needed a few reminders to rediscover them.
The Rewards of Overcoming Fear
It was in pushing past the fear that I found my courage; in overcoming anxiety that I found my sense of adventure, my strengths and my passions. I traveled alone to another country, lived like a local, and learned Spanish alongside young international students.
Walking tours with strangers led to dinner with new friends. I searched for sunset yoga at the beach, danced to live music in intimate clubs, ate alone at tapas bars to speak Spanish with natives and fell in love with Gaudi at La Pedrera.
I saved the best for last: a sunset sail my final night in Spain. As I jumped overboard for a swim in the deep blue Mediterranean Sea, I realized I got my "brave" back in Barcelona. I took a leap of faith and, in doing so, found me.
