A Guide to Long-Distance Parenting of Adult Children

Sometimes when our kids leave the nest, they really fly the coop. And sometimes when they land, they put down roots far, far away from "home."

Patti Gish's three kids sure did. Gish, a resident of Beaverton, Oregon for the past 42 years, is the mother of three adult children — all of whom have settled thousands of miles from their childhood home. Her son Andrew, 40, and daughter Sarah, 28, both reside in New York City; daughter Hillary, 37, lives in Los Angeles.

"Having your kids so far away can be pretty rough. It's not really how I envisioned my golden years," admits Gish.

But Gish — and other parents of "long-distance kids" (LDKs for short) — have adapted. They utilize a variety of tools to maintain strong, loving relationships with their kids. Here's a look at those strategies.

First, it's important for parents of any adult child, LDK or not, to understand that parenting our "grown-up" offspring today is a brave new world. Laurence Steinberg, professor of psychology and neuroscience at Temple University and author of "You and Your Adult Child" says that "parenting an adult child is very different today than it was a generation ago."

Indeed, Jeffrey Jensen Arnett, professor of psychology at Clark University, has coined the phrase "emerging adulthood" — and written a book with that title — that describes, essentially, an additional stage of development (ages 18 to 29) in between adolescence and full-fledged adulthood. Others point to a new phase of "young adulthood" covering ages 18 to 34.

These experts explain that the typical "markers" of adulthood have all been deferred, due to economic and demographic changes. "This age period is a lot different than it was in the past, because young people stay in education longer, take longer to find stable work and enter later into marriage and parenthood," explains Arnett.

This new parenting stage comes with novel challenges for parents on how to be there for their children without interfering with the important developmental work that they're undergoing. "My main advice to parents is recognize and accept the limits of your power. You'll have a lot of good ideas about how your emerging adults should live but most of them prefer to make their own decisions, even if those decisions don't always work out well," says Arnett.

When kids end up living far, far away, this new parenting phase becomes trickier. The good news is that parents of LDKs are finding ways to embrace the geographic challenge and maintain strong, loving relationships with their far-flung children. Here's a look at those ideas:

Last year the Pew Research Center reported that two-thirds of young adults (ages 18-34) surveyed say they communicate with their parents as often as they'd like while 27% say they communicate less often than they'd like. Meanwhile, 59% of parents say they communicate with their adult children as often as they'd like; 36% pine for a greater level of connection.

The upshot? Things are going pretty well, but there's certainly room for improvement.

Communication is, of course, always important in familial bonds. But it becomes the sine qua non for long-distance relationships. "The distance really makes it hard to feel 'in touch' with your adult kids," laments Gish.

The trick is to establish a communication routine that works for everyone. "Talk openly about how much you want to be in contact, and what methods of contact you prefer," says Arnett.

Those methods have multiplied since parents of LDKs were young adults themselves. It used to be that the ways to stay in touch were limited and quite expensive. Indeed, Ma Bell didn't encourage everyone to "reach out and touch someone" in the late 70s and 80s through the goodness of her corporate heart. Those long distance calls carried a challenging price tag. And spendy phone conversations (always eyeing the clock) and snail mail were pretty much the only communication tools available. 

Fast forward to 2025 and there are limitless possibilities for staying connected and nearly all are free: Zoom, FaceTime, Google Meet, texting, messaging apps, social media, emailing and, of course, good old-fashioned phone calls.

Parents should be willing to embrace the latest technology. Gish says she talks on the phone with each of her kids weekly, typically on the weekend. But she also uses Whatsapp for her frequent texting with them as well as FaceTime and Zoom for video chats which she notes are "kind of like seeing them in person."

If all family members are willing, set up a regular day and time for a weekly conference call or video chat. Barring emergencies, keep that time sacrosanct. With multiple far-flung kids this can become a routine that is treasured — a chance to laugh, vent and reconnect.

It's not just the frequency and methods of staying in touch that are important — the substance and quality of those communications are also crucial. The following efforts can help all of your family members feel heard, while keeping your family relevant and special.

Of course, you should ask your kids about their lives, schedules, work and leisure activities and share what's going on in your lives. Extended family news also helps to maintain strong family membership ties and to anchor the kids to their "other" home that might be thousands of miles away.

But remember to listen — truly the cardinal rule of good communication. And, unless your advice is requested (or there's a serious concern about your child's safety or future), keep your opinions about your child's life choices to yourself. "Don't try to control your emerging adults from a distance," says Arnett. "It won't work. It will just mean they tell you less about what's really happening in their lives."

Keep it light! Add humor liberally to all communications. Humor has countless benefits from stress relief to resilience and, simply, a shared sense of joy.

Family rituals and traditions are good for kids of all ages (parents too!). Keep them going and create new ones like "Dad's Friday Joke" communicated via text to the family group.

Those group texts and conference calls can be a ton of fun. But if you have more than one LDK, make it a point to have those individual convos too.

Make special days, well, special. "We do Zoom calls on birthdays and holidays with the whole family," says Gish. Sending a much-loved-by-the-entire-family treat—like stroopwafels—through the mail on memorable occasions can also bolster that unique family vibe.

And always, always express those loving feelings. That's what it's all about, right?

"Even if you're communicating a lot electronically, it's important to meet in person now and then. You can't give hugs over Zoom!" says Arnett.

Gish gets together with her faraway offspring every three or four months, either she and her husband flying out to see them or the kids returning to Oregon. She hosts all of her kids over the winter holidays and this year the entire group is vacationing in Cabo, Mexico together.

Taking family trips together can be magical but forego the guilt trips. Steinberg advises long-distance parents to let their kids know that they'd like to see them more often "but in a way designed to express affection ('We miss spending time with you') rather than inducing guilt ('I guess you're just too busy to come see us'). That will go a long way."

Gish has apparently arrived at a Goldilocks formula in her quest for LDK connection. Her son Andrew recently texted Gish and her husband saying that he felt he had won the "Parents Lottery." "That felt pretty awesome," says Gish.

You may have never imagined that your empty nest years would be this empty. It can bring a little bit—or a lot — of heartbreak.

A trite expression (even these can be apropos at times) kind of sums up the landscape here: It is what it is. Sometimes we have to make the best of our less-than-hoped-for circumstances.

"It's hard to adjust to your emerging adults living far away," says Arnett, "but that's a reality of modern life we all have to accept. They are at a crucial life stage where they have to have the freedom to build a life of their choosing.

"The best we can do as parents is to keep loving them and supporting them from afar."

Marie Sherlock practiced law for a decade before turning to writing and editing in her 30s — and never looked back. She's worked as the editor of several publications and is the author of a parenting book (Living Simply with Children; Three Rivers Press). She spends her empty-nest days writing about travel trends and destinations, simplicity, spirituality and social justice issues. Read More