How a Marriage Sabbatical Strengthened a Relationship

In 2008, when newly retired psychotherapist Leah Fisher proposed writing an account of the year she spent as a happily married solo traveler, publishers told her that readers had little interest in personal narratives written by older women. 

Thankfully, she didn't listen.

Fast forward 16 years and "My Marriage Sabbatical: A Memoir of Solo Travel and Lasting Love" has just been released. The book, part travelogue and part account of an evolving long-term marriage, provides readers with reporting about Fisher's experiences in seven areas — Bali,  Colombia, Costa Rica, Cuba, Ecuador, Guatemala and Java — as well as a detailed assessment of travel's impact on her relationships with her spouse, her two children and her friends and colleagues.   

"My sabbatical was set up like the [college] quarter system," Fisher told Next Avenue. "I traveled for four months and then returned home for between two and four weeks. This gave me a chance to reconnect with my husband, Charley, and check in with my son, daughter and elderly mother."

Check-in completed, Fisher then resumed her travels. 

"I lived with families in every country I visited," she says. "My ideal household was one with young children, several of whom became quite bonded to me." Throughout, she says that building one-on-one relationships, learning at least rudimentary Spanish, and becoming proficient in Salsa dancing were immediate goals. So, too, was giving back to the countries that hosted her.

She quickly had her chance.

"Charley came to visit me in Java for what was supposed to be a vacation and while we were there, the Yogyakarta earthquake happened. We were staying close to the epicenter. I'd been looking to do a service project and after the tremors stopped and I caught my breath, I realized that this was my chance," she explains. "I had previously done disaster work with the American Red Cross so I contacted the Java disaster relief office and was recruited to spend several weeks doing trauma-reduction counseling with children, mothers and teachers."

Other service projects followed, including the translation of a manual, originally written for child survivors of Hurricane Katrina, into Spanish to help Guatemalan kids process their emotions —including sadness, terror and survivor guilt — following a massive mudslide that destroyed their homes and villages. Fisher also participated in a short-term women's group for mothers, some of whom had lost children and other loved ones in the calamity. Moreover, she helped train a group of aspiring social workers to promote psychological healing.

But Fisher's presence, while clearly helpful, also resulted in something unanticipated: She became a role model and an inspiration to many of the people she met.

People, she explains, were typically intrigued — and sometimes shocked — that she was traveling alone. At times, there was blatant sexism: "How is it that your husband lets you travel by yourself?" they asked. 

Nonetheless, she reports experiencing almost no ageism or age discrimination. 

"Everyone was aware of my age and they were often surprised to learn that I had a satisfying marriage," Fisher explains. "I would see young couples, in particular, look at one another with relief on their faces, understanding that they could be married without having to be attached at the hip. My presence reassured them that they could still be individuals."

She and Charley had learned this lesson over time, she adds, noting that they were well-studied in the art of communication and negotiation. Annual weekend-long "check-ins," self-styled retreats where they went out of town to check in with one another about what was working in the relationship, and what was not, aided the process.

This openness, she says made it easier for her to tell Charley about her desire for a sabbatical, a desire she'd had since college. It also gave her the confidence to assert herself, telling him that she would like to travel alone if he did not want to accompany her. At the same time, she stressed that this was not an ultimatum: she had no desire to leave him permanently.  

The upshot, she says, is that the pair now have a "stronger, sweeter" relationship.

"The trip gave us added respect for our separateness," she says. "By being apart, we were able to see one another as distinct people. We became aware of our differences and developed a better understanding of each other. We now appreciate that how we make decisions and pace ourselves is not, and never has been, the same. These differences became more explicit when I was away and gave us added regard for one another." 

One of their biggest differences centers on attitudes toward work with Charley making clear that he has no plans to stop working as a psychoanalyst.  

Not so for Fisher. Despite spending more than three decades as a therapist, when Fisher returned from her travels she was ready to take on new projects, among them overseeing the remodeling of her home, settling her mom's estate and finishing "My Marriage Sabbatical." 

What's next? "I want to pull weeds in my garden," the California-based author laughs. 

"Another book? Absolutely not. But anytime I feel the desire to be useful, I know that all I need to do is walk out the front door and see what's needed."