How To Cope With Life as a Caregiver

One of the hardest things about being a caregiver is the isolation. I've faced long stretches of loneliness caring for my daughter who has a rare genetic deletion and around-the-clock needs. There were many days and nights — especially during the seemingly endless hours between midnight and five a.m. as I tended to her feeding tube — when it felt like no one else was even on the planet, let alone awake.

But what I really want to say to my fellow caregivers is you are not alone. In fact, there are 53 million of us.

As a psychotherapist of over 15 years, I know that connecting with others works to ease the difficulties of nearly any challenge. Yet, in a harried world, caregivers have even less time and energy available for relationships. Still, there are small steps you can take to find support and restore yourself.

Here are five ways to cope as a caregiver, based on research and what I've learned from my personal experiences for almost a decade. Note: this article is no substitution for therapy or any other medical intervention. If you need immediate help, please contact 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.

If your loved one lives at home and you can access respite, get out of the house every day. This will provide a needed break to lift your spirits and prove that the world outside still exists (although it may seem like a different universe). Even microbreaks may help, such as a walk around the block. Regular friend rituals, or recurrent activities like religious services or an exercise class, add needed structure and consistency, especially during stretches of uncertainty.

Health-related tasks combined with social time can also enhance your wellbeing—and tag teaming with a buddy can bolster morale and accountability. One example is a hike through the woods with a friend. You get the workout, the boost of time spent in nature, and the benefits of social interaction.

Many caregivers feel pressure to act as if they are fine, even when they are not. But this form of toxic positivity can be harmful. An antidote: in the company of trusted loved ones — or even to yourself — name how you feel. Research suggests that putting feelings into words can be therapeutic. Plus, this increases your chances of feeling understood, which is linked with greater life satisfaction and fewer physical symptoms. Being vulnerable is an important element of connection; to feel safer, choose who you confide in based on positive prior experiences.

Engage with friends who are supportive and focus your energy there. As anyone who has gone through a difficult life experience knows, unfortunately, some people just don't get it. Invest in relationships with those who accept your grief by showing empathy and care (I've found that these remarkable humans have often encountered something life-altering themselves).

If you don't know anyone who can relate — and even if you do — join a support group (many meet online for greater accessibility). Or reach out to someone who has been in your situation, even if you know them distantly. Inquire with your county and state about the resources available for PCA (personal care attendant) and respite services, along with any disability-related benefits for your loved one. Also, identify medical providers that are compassionate and effective, and move on from those who aren't helpful as soon as possible.

Who were you before you became a caregiver? What did you enjoy doing? Where did you enjoy going? You can access those parts of yourself again, starting in small ways. Start by journaling to explore your thoughts and feelings. Or take a trip for fresh scenery, which needn't be an extravagant adventure — a night off may bring perspective. Even a few hours in a novel location can be helpful.

Find meaning by taking in who you have now become, which is likely different than who you used to be. This will ideally include leaving your house, engaging in pleasurable activities, and coping with the conflicted feelings that arise about carrying on while your loved one is unable to do so. Sacrificing your own wellbeing will not bring peace or good health to others, although the impulse may still arise.

I learned that it is possible to still have a good life even under excruciating circumstances, and I believe this is possible for nearly anyone. My own therapist helped me see this when I was at my lowest point in my long-term caregiving path; therapy can be relieving. Accessing bursts of hope even when a loved one is struggling serves you and everyone else around you, including the person you care for. Part of that is remembering that you are a person, too.

Caregiving is often exhausting, intense and impactful. Most caregivers experience feelings of guilt. Ask yourself this question to reduce unnecessary guilt: "Have I done something wrong?" I share in my therapy practice that healthy guilt is useful when someone is doing something harmful and can steer them to change their behavior. But if you are acting in alignment with your values and have done nothing wrong, then guilt is unhealthy and serves no purpose.

Still, knowing about the different types of guilt does not remove the pain of watching a loved one suffer. Self-compassion, the act of treating yourself like a dear friend, can be a powerful tool to cope with recurrent, difficult emotions, along with other forms of mindfulness and meditation. Whatever you do, work towards being gentle with yourself, bit by bit. You deserve it.

Emma Nadler is a psychotherapist, author, and speaker. In her private practice, she helps people better understand and tolerate emotions, build deeper relationships, and find meaning in life's challenges. Her memoir, "The Unlikely Village of Eden," is a funny and hopeful memoir about learning to adapt and accept when life doesn’t go to plan, redefining community, and creating your own imperfect path. Emma has also written for The Washington Post, Newsweek, and Business Insider, among others. To learn more, visit EmmaNadler.com Read More