In Praise of Aunts
An unknown person wrote 'Only an aunt can give hugs like a mother, keep secrets like a sister and share love like a friend'
There was Auntie Em from "The Wizard of Oz," Aunt Polly from "The Adventures of Tom Sawyer," Aunt Clara from "Bewitched" and Aunt Jackie from "Roseanne."
And then there was Aunt Essie, from Brooklyn, New York.
Aunt Essie was my father's sister. She had hair the color of cranberries, piercing gray eyes the size of saucers even when she wasn't surprised, a mouth overflowing with even white teeth, and a bustline so big it could stretch from one end of the country to the other.
"Don't tell your mother what you ate," Aunt Essie warned me. "Daddy said she thinks you should lose some weight."
Before I was born, Aunt Essie was married to Murray the Shoe Salesman. Her narrow clothes closet was filled with shoes — spider web pumps, flapper T-straps, two-tone Oxfords and stiletto silver heels that she wore to Murray's wedding, which she attended after they got divorced and he married his next wife. "We had an ok marriage," she told me. "He was a nice man but it just didn't work. And at least I ended up with a bunch of great shoes."
I am thinking about her because July 26 is the 16th annual celebration of what was originally known as Auntie's Day, now sometimes known as National Aunts and Uncles Day.
Created by Melanie Notkin to honor biological and chosen aunts, it's not a well-known holiday, but it should be, because aunts, and uncles, are very important people, for reasons I will soon explain.
Upon launching the commemorative day in 2008, Notkin also popularized the PANK (Professional Aunts No Kids) demographic. PANK women are those who don't have children of their own but who dearly love their nieces and nephews (sometimes called niblings, a non-gendered word for the children of siblings), often spoiling them with pricey trinkets and developing a very special relationship with them that lasts long into adulthood.
Aunt Essie adored me, the only child of her only brother, but I had really complicated feelings about her. My mother was estranged from her for most of my childhood and adolescence, but she never badmouthed Essie to me, and she permitted my dad to take me to visit her once a month.
"She's still your aunt," my mom said, being gracious about it, which made it somewhat easier for me and certainly easier for my father. Still, I had some uncomfortable feelings of being disloyal to one or the other, not sure if I was allowed to love them both when they didn't even like each other.
My aunt lived with my grandmother, whom I called Nana. When I went to visit, she always made me hamburgers with plump, salty and incredibly delicious French fries. "Don't tell your mother what you ate," Aunt Essie warned me. "Daddy said she thinks you should lose some weight."
Unique Relationships
She thought I was perfect just the way I was, which was one of the reasons I did love her. I didn't love when she put her bright-red tipped, be-ringed fingers all over me.
"Look, you're getting boobies," she would say, her rather large hands barely skimming my chest. She would pat my bottom and joke, "Nice tuchis, sweetie," using the Yiddish word for buttocks. I swore that when I had a niece, or hopefully a child, of my own, I would keep my hands off any parts of those youngster's bodies that I had hated having touched.
And while I was never lucky enough to have a child of my own, I DO have a niece.
Soon after I met and fell in love with my husband, I met Samantha, his brother's child, who was a spirited, smart and sassy six-year-old at the time. In a silly mood one day, she began licking my face, saying "I'm your window-washer," while I helplessly giggled, unable to tell her to stop because I was laughing too hard. Talk about falling in love!
Sam and I bonded instantly, sharing knock-knock jokes, a love of chocolate and a passion for books. We played a made-up game called "Hide the Ring" and endless rounds of the game SPIT, where you threw down cards, slapped the pile and yelled SPIT as loud as you could.
When she was young, she would cuddle up to me if we were watching TV, and I would lightly, carefully, put my arm around her. I scooped her up for hugs whenever I saw her, again cognizant of not wanting to be too touchy. I did not want to become Aunt Essie, although my love for Samantha was, and is, as profound as Aunt Essie's had been for me.
'The Forgotten Kin'
Every time I read Notkin's 2008 book: "Savvy Auntie: The Ultimate Guide for Cool Aunts, Great-Aunts, Godmothers and All Women Who Love Kids," it warms my heart and reminds me how lucky I am to be an aunt.
I have an honorary niece, too. The daughter of our friends Alicia and Bob, Mariel has called me "Auntie Barbra" since the time she could talk. I am truly and doubly blessed.
Many people have written about aunts fulfilling a number of functions. Aunts and uncles may act as the "fun" grown-up in the family, the giver of gifts, the ones who at sleepovers let the kids stay up well past their bedtime and eat four peanut butter cookies instead of two. They act as cheerleaders, role models, mentors, confidantes, comforters, protectors and advocates and offer a shoulder to cry on, providing support to the youngsters they love as they navigate their often-rocky path through childhood and adolescence into maturity.
The Role of 'Othermothers' for LGBTQ Family Members
Sociologist Robert M. Milardo, Professor Emeritus of Family Relations at the University of Maine, and author of "The Forgotten Kin - Aunts and Uncles," has written about their many roles, including becoming repositories of family history, serving as intergenerational buffers by helping family members do "emotion work" and process conflicts, and complementing the work of parents by contributing to emotional, social and cognitive development.
Aunts, sometimes referred to as "othermothers," can be particularly helpful with their LGBTQ nieces and nephews, educating family members about what it means to be a young gay person.
Some aunts and uncles end up becoming primary caregivers or surrogate parents to their nieces and nephews because of death, illness or their sibling's inability to function in the parenting role.
Aunts, sometimes referred to as "othermothers," can be particularly helpful with their LGBTQ nieces and nephews, educating family members about what it means to be a young gay person, providing gentle care and wisdom to the family as a whole, and even providing financial support if needed.
A 2023 research study published by the American Sociological Association found that aunts, or aunt-like figures, play a crucial role in supporting these young relatives, including LGBTQ-specific support, anticipatory housing support (offering to house them if they became homeless) and actual housing support. A main emphasis of the report was how meaningful this non-judgmental acceptance and emotional sustenance was, particularly for those whose parents were not able to be supportive. It also highlighted the important role aunts play specifically in families of color.
Aunts and uncles may not be around all the time, but the best ones are always around when you need them – seated across from you in a diner, smiling on a screen, or talking and listening lovingly on the phone.
Aunt Essie, who passed away at the age of 86 with newly polished crimson nails and gray roots just beginning to peek out from her cranberry-colored hair, was a significant and loved person in my life, in spite of being a bit too "touchy" for a newly developing and highly sensitive pre-teen. I have numerous memories of our spirited conversations about love and life (and Murray the Shoe Salesman!) and of the beautiful and sentimental birthday cards, with a generous check enclosed, that always came three days early.
I hope Samantha and Mariel have as many warm and wonderful memories of me as I have of them. Watching their evolution from adorable little girls to (mostly) loveable adolescents and then into bright, beautiful, flourishing and delightful young women has been one of the greatest joys of my life.
