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My Parenting Strategy Was Too Effective

My kids turned out as independent and self-sufficient as I hoped they would. I just didn't expect to feel this way when it happened.

By Kim Kelly Stamp

I'm scrolling through Instagram and smile when I see a picture of my daughter and her family at a local BBQ event. She and her husband look radiant and happy, and my adorable grandson is beaming with delight. I enjoy the warm glow of seeing them happy until, without warning, my joy turns to an ache I have trouble identifying.

A woman looking at an instagram post while riding on the bus. Next Avenue, parenting styles
"While processing my emotional reaction to my daughter's Instagram post, I gained some insight and found a healthy pathway forward."  |  Credit: Getty

If I've learned anything in my sixties, it's that paying attention to my emotions is crucial to maintaining my mental health. I spend a few minutes in reflective thought, trying to discern what's going on, and I am surprised when I identify what bubbled to the surface.

I felt left out.

As I acknowledge what's going on, sadness invades my heart and hangs on like an obnoxious neighbor who overstayed their welcome. My emotional equilibrium feels off balance as I ponder why they didn't invite me to join them. With that thought, my sadness quickly turns to embarrassment. I don't want to be a needy parent.

If I've learned anything in my sixties, it's that paying attention to my emotions is crucial to maintaining my mental health.

Later that day, on our evening walk, I talked with my wife about my rollercoaster emotions. As tears stream down my cheeks, I say, "My kids turned out as independent and self-sufficient as I hoped they would. I just didn't expect to feel this way when it happened."

The Days of Helicopter Parenting

My former husband and I didn't have kids until our mid-thirties, and for years were the only childless couple in our friend group. Waiting longer to grow our family gave me plenty of time to observe my friends' parenting strategies, which helped me decide my own.

Helicopter parenting was a popular choice back then, and I often heard my friends lamenting their kids growing up too fast. As their children got older, my friends were desperate to involve themselves in every stage of their growth and development. The goal, it seemed, was to preserve their vital role even when their kids became adults.

On the contrary, as my children grew, I relished each step toward independence. I loved watching them become unique beings with different personalities and opinions. I worked strategically to ensure they were ready to launch by age eighteen.

What I didn't realize was that there would come a time when my stellar parenting plan would come back to haunt me.

And let me tell you, it worked like a charm!

When my kids graduated from high school and left home to live the adventures they dreamed about, I was happy for them and proud of myself for helping them succeed. What I didn't realize was that there would come a time when my stellar parenting plan would come back to haunt me.

While processing my emotional reaction to my daughter's Instagram post, I gained some insight and found a healthy pathway forward. It started by acknowledging that my daughter didn't intentionally leave me out. She and her husband have busy careers and were simply enjoying some much-needed family time.

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Sitting with that thought, I realized I rely on my daughter to initiate our time together. I remembered that my mother did the same thing when my children were little, which frustrated me. Not wanting to repeat history, I reminded myself that I didn't need to wait for an invitation to spend time with my daughter's family.

As someone who values acting on new insights, I capitalized on the moment by texting my daughter to invite her family to lunch. When we met the following Sunday, we spent several hours together, and everyone had a fantastic time. Who knew we'd all benefit from my emotional epiphany?

Unique Relationships

When interacting with my children, I try to remain fluid and open. I have three kids, and my relationship with each of them is unique and nuanced. My oldest son prefers to talk on the phone, while my youngest prefers text messages. My daughter is good about checking in with me, but both my boys can be sparse in their communication.

My conversations with my daughter flow easily and cover a wide variety of topics. My oldest son and I enjoy discussing business strategies and the complexities of managing people, while my youngest prefers to talk about music, food and traveling.

Because I only see my boys once or twice a year, maintaining closeness can be challenging.

My youngest son, now twenty-seven, is fiercely independent and relishes being in charge of his life. While I'd love more interaction with him, I've found that sending random, short text messages has worked best.

Because of his age, he was affected the most by our divorce, and if I don't hear from him for a while, I tend to create narratives in my mind about what he's thinking and whether he knows how much I love him.

Though we have had wonderful conversations about the impact of the divorce, and he's assured me everything is fine, I tend to feel a lot of mom guilt. Because I only see my boys once or twice a year, maintaining closeness can be challenging.

Recently, my wife and I visited both boys in Austin, and I felt anxious as our time together approached. Because I talk regularly with my oldest son, most of my anxiety was centered around seeing my youngest.

Love Can Look Different

The day of our visit happened to coincide with my sixty-fifth birthday, and it went very differently than I anticipated. When we made plans to meet for dinner, my youngest – a foodie, much like me – asked if he could pick the restaurant . I was both surprised and thrilled.

He confirmed that my wife and I still eat gluten-free and asked if we had any other restrictions. He texted us the name and address of the restaurant, and we met him and his brother there. I was amazed when my youngest took charge of the experience.

I'm working hard these days to ensure that my insight into what my kids need remains sharp.

He told the hostess that he had a reservation, and as we walked to our table, she asked whose birthday it was and mentioned that she had prepared a special gluten-free menu.

As the night went on, we all settled in and had a blast. My son encouraged us to try new foods and talked freely about his job as a 9-1-1 dispatcher.  When the waitress brought the check, he quietly slid it in his direction. The restaurant was super expensive, and I had calculated earlier that the check was likely approaching $500, so I asked if we could contribute.  

Sipping his steaming cup of after-dinner French Press coffee, he shook his head and asked, "When do I ever get to treat you to dinner? It's my pleasure to pay the check."

By the end of my birthday meal, I knew that my parenting plan had served my youngest son well. I also knew he still deeply loved his mama; it just looks slightly different now.

When my children were younger, I had no way of knowing that my parenting strategy would be so successful that it would mold them into fiercely independent adults.

I'm working hard these days to ensure that my insight into what my kids need remains sharp. I'm also reminding myself to stay fluid and let my relationships with them evolve as we all grow older.

Kim Kelly Stamp
Kim Kelly Stamp is a writer, espresso enthusiast, and Pacific Northwest Native. Since retiring in 2021, she has enjoyed traveling the country with her wife in their teardrop trailer. Kim has three adult children and an adorable three-year-old grandson and is working on a memoir about her LGBTQ experience. You can read more of her work or follow her on socials by clicking here. Read More
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