'I’ve Tried Being Nice': An Interview With Ann Leary  

When I was reading Ann Leary's new book, I felt like I had known her for a long time. From her hard-earned insights about life to the funny, relatable stories she shares, the book seems like it was written by friend, which was precisely Leary's intent.  

Leary, 61, says, "Many writers get too 'writerly' and in their head when they sit down to write. They overthink and over-explain because they are worried about what a frowning book critic will say about their work. It's better to write as if you were speaking to a sympathetic friend who understands you." 

In addition to being a writer, mother of two, and wife (to actor Denis Leary), Leary is also an EMT, avid tennis player, and amateur banjo player. "I'm naturally curious," explains Leary. "I'm always looking to learn and take on new hobbies. I am currently getting into gardening and crafts."  

Part of the reason Leary is learning new skills is because she finds it therapeutic. She explains, "Sometimes when I write, I'll get down on myself, wondering if I am good. It's pretty typical of all writers to have self-doubt. But when I take on a new skill like learning to play the banjo, something I am not good at, it makes me more confident in my writing ability." 

"I have no interest in behaving or dressing younger than I am," says Leary. "I don't want to pretend to be 20 years old. But I do try to take in as much knowledge as I can and learn from the younger generation, while still being authentically myself." 

Leary doesn't believe that getting older means being less active or doing less. She plays tennis several times a week in three different leagues in various age brackets. By far, the most competitive team comprises players 55 years and older. "Our captain is in her 80s, and I can't keep up with her," says Leary.  

The same is true for her Connecticut neighbor, Martha Stewart. Leary says, "Martha is at Pilates class at 7 am, doing work by 10 – she's always on the move and that inspires me. All the older women I know motivate me to keep moving and not slow down, physically or intellectually." 

Leary admits she was dreading the thought of her children leaving for college. "I was quite depressed and anxious about becoming an empty nester," she says.  

She remembers how emotional she and Denis were after dropping their youngest at college. "Walking into the quiet house, we both felt so sad," says Leary.  

That evening Leary went into the kitchen to make the two of them dinner. When the meal was ready, she said the words her husband had longed to hear for twenty years; "Let's watch TV while we eat."  

Leary explains, "When the kids were growing up, we had a lot of rules. We were trying to be better versions of ourselves for them. But now that they were gone, we didn't have to always be on good behavior. Instead, we could be our fun, rude selves. We could curse, walk around naked, eat with our fingers, and laugh while we watched TV with our mouths full." 

The other thing about empty nesting that Leary has realized is that the nest isn't quite so empty. "When I left home, I rarely returned," explains Leary. "But my kids are back and forth all the time. And I get to have a relationship with these really interesting adults they have become which is so great."

Leary and her husband decided to take dance lessons a few years ago. "We thought it would be fun to go to a wedding or Bar Mitzvah and really wow people with our dance moves," says Leary.  

One afternoon, their weekly lesson was canceled due to bad weather. Denis was working from home that day, and Leary thought they should practice. Even though they have been together for over 30 years, asking her husband to dance in their living room seemed very awkward. "I could have walked into his office naked, and he wouldn't have been surprised," says Leary. "Yet, I felt vulnerable asking him to dance with me."  

Even alone in the house with the curtains drawn, dancing with her husband felt awkward. Leary says, "I've known my husband since college. We are confident people. But doing something neither of us was completely comfortable about turned out to be very romantic. We have gone on fancy vacations and attended red-carpet events, yet this small moment was so memorable." 

Playing tennis, Leary has learned a lot about people, especially playing doubles. Leary says, "I have found two types of partners. One is a blamer, always blaming other people for errors made on the court. The second is overly nice. They think everything is their fault and are consistently apologizing."  

There is nothing wrong with being too nice, but Leary disagrees. She explains, "It can be exhausting to keep consoling someone while they apologize and blame themselves." Life is short. It only gets shorter as we age, so we need to use our time wisely.

"The opposite of 'nice' isn't always 'mean,'" explains Leary. "Sometimes the opposite of nice is efficient. Being too nice can slow you down and make it hard to move forward." 

Leary believes that getting older has changed how she relates to people. "My whole life, I have been a people-pleaser. I think it's something many women can relate to. Maybe it's part of our DNA as women," she says. "I'd heard that when you go through menopause you think differently. I thought it would happen gradually but for me, when my ovaries quit, I felt different overnight. I understood why they called it 'the change' because I suddenly changed. I no longer wanted people-pleasing or social anxiety to dictate my decisions." 

While Leary has always seen herself as overly nice, she's realized that not everyone agrees. In the book, Leary writes about an uncomfortable exchange between her and a woman named Leslie. When Leslie was out of earshot, Leary turned to her friend Kate, who had witnessed the exchange. Leary remarked, "The problem with me is that I'm too nice." Kate started laughing.  

"It turned out that Kate thought I was joking," says Leary. "She didn't think I was all that nice all the time. At first, I was genuinely surprised when she told me, but then I realized we all have perceptions of ourselves that may not be what others see." 

While Leary will always strive to be kind and to do good for others, being "nice" might not be as important as she once thought. "My friend Kate pointed out that if I were as nice as I thought I was, I would be kind of boring, and she wouldn't like me as much as she does," says Leary. 

Randi Mazzella is a freelance writer specializing in a wide range of topics from parenting to pop culture to life after 50. She is a mother of three grown children and lives in New Jersey with her husband.  Read more of her work on randimazzella.com. Read More