Making New Friends at 80

As I passed retirement age, my close friends began to relocate — some with aching bones moved to more moderate climates, and others moved to be nearer to their children. And by the time I reached 80, all of the women I could call at the spur of the moment to join me for a movie, or a cup of coffee, or even just a walk, had all either passed away or become geographically disconnected.

Coordinating our occasional visits with travel plans became the norm but that didn't help. It wasn't the same as sharing intimacies over a cup of coffee.

Only much later was I to realize that I was not alone. As we age, even women who have grown up in the same childhood homes and maintained friendships throughout their entire lives find their circle of friends decreasing through attrition.

According to Abby Smith, communications coordinator for the Mayo Clinic, "While loneliness can occur in all age groups, people over the age of 60 have been shown to have higher incidences of both loneliness and social isolation. Health risks associated with loneliness can include depression, anxiety, heart attacks and more. The health risks of a lack of social connection can be just as high as the health risks of obesity, smoking, physical inactivity or excessive alcohol consumption."

As a camp counselor many years ago, I explained to a group of four-year-olds that they had to have a buddy to go into the pool. One little girl asked me what a buddy was. I said, "It's like a best friend."

"Oh," she said and walked over to another little girl. "Will you be my best friend?" The other little girl took her hand and the two were inseparable for the rest of the summer.

I always marveled at how easily these two children connected and how, somewhere along the way, we, as adults, lose that ability to be so open.

I realized that days would go by without my phone ringing. Some days I didn't even get out of my pajamas. While it was easier for me to stay home and binge watch my favorite shows, I was so lonely that I found myself becoming more and more depressed.

Remembering the female friendships and companionship l once enjoyed, I set about to find new friends. What I found was that finding friends or even just acquaintances as an 80-year-old was difficult, but not impossible.

My local library had a bulletin board that listed all kinds of activities, so I forced myself to get dressed and go there. I found a notice for a writers' workshop and, although I was a published author, went to it. 

When the workshop ended, a group of women decided to go for pizza and I joined them. Afterward I offered to drive Huey-Min, a woman in her forties, home as she lived nearby. I never thought I would connect so totally with this woman 25 years younger than me. But we have become good friends.

She tells me I enrich her life with my wisdom and advice, but really it is she who enriches mine with her fresh perspectives and her insights. She also keeps me up to date about current trends, technology and social changes. And I learned an incredible lesson. Age is just a number, and it is totally irrelevant where friendship is concerned.

Research suggests that engaging with others across generations can lead to better health, happiness and possibly longer lives. I know Huey-Min energizes me. We run to all kinds of classes and events together and we're slowly eating our way through all of the Asian restaurants in Brooklyn.

Connecting over something you have in common, like Huey-Min and I did, isn't the only way to make new friends, but it's a dependable method for a reason. Your passion or hobby gives you a built-in safety net. You have something in common.

I met another new friend, Ellen, while waiting for a bus. She was reading and we began talking about books. I mentioned that I'd just finished my manuscript for a book about a ghost. Her eyes opened wide. "I believe in spirits," she said, "and I have so few people to talk to about that."

While younger people might turn to Instagram or Facebook, many older women are more comfortable with the telephone, so if you strike up an interesting conversation with someone, and you want to chat more with them, say so! Ellen and I exchanged phone numbers, and I am looking forward to meeting her for dinner soon.

One note: Just be flexible and try not to read too much into a cancellation. People cancel for a number of reasons. Put yourself in their shoes — you know life can be super busy and unpredictable.

Not everyone meets at a bus stop. The ideal friendships happen when you pursue activities that genuinely interest you. If you attend classes, join clubs or participate in community events related to your passions, you'll meet like-minded individuals.

I recently spoke with my doctor, a geriatrician. I said I was looking for a place where I could get some physical therapy to improve my balance. He suggested that I join a senior center.

At first, I was hesitant about going to my local center thinking that people my age would be old and sedentary. I was wrong. While some people who come are sedentary, most are active and taking advantage of the activities offered — and there are many.

Initially I thought I'd just go for the exercise class they offered. I have since joined a chair yoga class, a book club and a crafts group. I am also playing mahjong.

My calendar is filling up with new friends I've met there, too.

Carren Strock 
Carren Strock has often been called a Renaissance woman. Equally at home with a paintbrush and canvas, a needle and thread, or a hammer and nails, she is as eclectic in her writing as she is in her other interests. The author of seven books, she is best known for her ground-breaking book Married Women Who Love Women, now in its third edition. Read More