Now It's Grandparents Who Should Be 'Seen and Not Heard'
Our primary jobs are to be 'Nurturers in Chief'
The phrase "seen and not heard" was originally written in a homily from the 1500s to describe how young maidens should act but became popularized as the way children should behave. Children today are encouraged to speak up. Now it's the grandparents' turn to be visible but silent, especially on controversial topics. Many family estrangements can be blamed on unsolicited advice.

As older adults, we can pride ourselves on the wisdom we've gained from experience, and if we are grandparents, that experience includes raising at least one child. Why is it that we are supposed to keep that wisdom and experience to ourselves? One answer can be found in "The Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran, which was a counter-culture primer in the 1960s.
Parents today are navigating challenges that didn't exist when we were growing up or when raising our own children.
The Prophet was asked to speak about children. He said, "Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's Longing for itself." He explained that they dwell in the house of tomorrow.
Parents today are navigating challenges that didn't exist when we were growing up or when raising our own children. None of us could have imagined the dominance of social media in our lives with everyone glued to cell phones playing games, watching videos and messaging friends. A major issue for parents today is monitoring appropriate amounts and content of screen time. The house of tomorrow is here, and we are dwelling in it.
A Change in Family Dynamics
Another reason points to the fact that family dynamics and composition have changed drastically in recent decades. The Pew Research Center reports that there is no longer one predominant family form. Some families have two working parents while others have a single parent as the working head of the household. There is a growing share of interethnic marriages. This means that a couple is likely to be working on melding cultural backgrounds to find common values and traditions.
With our culture offering flexibility in lifestyle choices, parents are not bound to raising children in the traditions of their childhood. My generation and my parents before me used Dr. Benjamin Spock as a baby and childcare guru. My daughter is on multiple Internet parenting chat groups and follows advice websites. We live in the Information Age and some ideas that we previously embraced have been rejected.

What then is the role of the grandparent? We should be nurturers, present to give love, praise, and physical or financial support from the sidelines. My husband and I provide babysitting for our granddaughter who lives nearby. My grandsons live out of state, and we visit them and host them at our home as often as we can. I load the house with age-appropriate toys and activities while my husband stocks the pantry and refrigerator with the food they crave. We make blueberry pancakes together.
The joy of interacting with our grandchildren is immeasurable, but matching schedules for visits can be a challenge. 40% of adults live in a state other than where they were raised, but even with the 60% who live within an hour of extended family, work and kids' activities may keep them away for long stretches. Older adults have their own calendars to manage, especially when it comes to health care.
All we can do is be ready to welcome our grandkids when we can with open arms. It's a vulnerable feeling not to know when we will be able to give the next hug, but in the interim, technology has provided us with FaceTime, texting photographs and sending videos to connect us.
My mother provided a superior grandparent role model. While she was not a Tech Age grandma, she bought a computer to stay in touch with her grandchildren when they were older. She never gave advice, but her grandchildren always knew where to go for unconditional love. She made each one feel special by baking individualized oatmeal cookies, knowing their preferences: raisins, nuts or chips.
My mother provided a superior grandparent role model.
Other guidance comes from the members of a Facebook Group who responded to my query to offer their best grandparenting advice. The resounding theme of their replies was "you are not their parents." We should acquiesce to them and ask permission to deviate from their guidelines. If the parents avoid sugar in their children's diet, ask if you may give them cookies or dessert. Find out how they want you to handle discipline — for example, time out or withholding privileges. Most of us will be sending our grandchildren home with their parents and need to defer to their rules.
Some grandparents are forced into a more direct interaction when they are needed to help raise their grandchildren. When the grandparents take on the full parenting role, it's called kinship care. Those in the position of kinship grandparenting can be expected to be more vocal and directive. They implement stricter routines and discipline, while those of us not in that role are relaxing rules.
A Well of Patience
Relaxing rules does not mean foregoing house rules. We expect our house, belongings and pet to be handled with care and we've gotten off easy so far. My brother came upon his grandchild writing on the kitchen wall with a marker. The grandson looked at him and said, "Papa, I made a bad decision."
Kids will make bad decisions (so will adults). One of the many challenges of grandparenting is to dip into a deep well of patience. We hope that our experience will help us respond better than we might have when we were in the role of the parent. It is far easier to laugh at the antics of our grandchildren than it was to laugh at our own children's missteps. Age has softened us and brought out our nurturing instincts.
We may be told by Kahlil Gibran that our children are not our children, and by our peers that our grandchildren are not our children, but that doesn't minimize our role. We are the Nurturers in Chief providing nourishment for the mind, body and spirit of the next generation.
