No Shoulder to Lean On: Parentless Parenting Presents Challenges
Midlife childrearing without advice from Mom and Dad can be lonely and frustrating
The "sandwich generation" members — a resilient group — experience double the stress as they tend to the needs of aging parents while raising children.
However, midlife parents who have lost their parents face a unique and often lonelier journey. They navigate childrearing, holidays, milestones and life trials without the wisdom and presence of an older generation to lean on. Both challenges are fraught with uncertainties, but given the option, which would you choose: balancing on a tightrope or navigating without a compass?
Parentless Parents Trend
For the latter conundrum experienced by parentless parents, a path has been paved, but it's still unmarked. The COVID-19 pandemic and childbearing trends have contributed to an increase in the number of orphaned adults — a demographic that in 2021 had reached an all-time high of 26% of Americans, according to a 2023 United States Census report. The increased number of parentless parents and resulting shifts in family dynamics have led to a greater need for "cardinal directions" for this modern-day mature group and their children.
The need for support isn't new, just the number of people affected, says Allison Gilbert, author of "Parentless Parents," which explores the childrearing experiences of parents without living parents.
"When my book came out, the trend was ever increasing because we are having children later and later, and that speed of incline was far outpacing life expectancy," she explains. "Even though we are living longer, the number of years, even back when I wrote the book, was incapable of outpacing how late we were having children."
Gilbert says that more than a decade ago, the statistics and the resulting needs were eye-opening.
These shifts bring to light the need for support to fill the gap created by the absence of grandparents and the role they traditionally play within the family system.
"The number of years that we'd be raising our kids without our parents around for advice, for guidance, for passing along traditions, for keeping family customs alive — all of that was trending in a way that was making being a parentless parent ever more clear that there were challenges that were being underreported."
There is a new and even larger generation of parentless parents for which more resources will be needed.
"Losing Our Parents," the U.S. Census Report, revealed that by age 50, a little more than 50% of Americans had lost their mother, and 69% had lost their father. The survey concluded that deaths during the COVID-19 pandemic have contributed to an all-time high in the number of middle-aged orphans. The increase in this population segment, many who welcomed children in their 40s or later, has resulted in significant changes in family units. These shifts bring to light the need for support to fill the gap created by the absence of grandparents and the role they traditionally play within the family system.
Support Systems
Beyond general grief support like professional therapy, journaling and mindfulness, experts offer some specialized recommendations for midlife parents without parents.
Reach out for in-person help. Therapy and counseling for parentless parents typically focuses on fostering connections and reducing feelings of isolation, says Alex Butterfield, who leads a new "Parents Without Parents" peer support group for HOPE for Bereaved, a Syracuse, New York, nonprofit offering free support to those who are grieving. Common challenges included heightened grief around holidays, lack of guidance or built-in assistance, feelings of inadequacy, pressure to fill the role of grandmother or grandfather on top of being a parent and frustration at inaccessible information regarding family history and traditions. Receiving validation from fellow "travelers" on the same journey can feel deeply connecting, Butterfield says.
"You want that one person to tell you, just ride it out — it's going to be OK. Other people can say it to you but it doesn't hold the same kind of emotional density that it would coming from your own mom."
"If nothing else, I think peer-led groups help to reduce the feelings of loneliness," she says. "Being able to empathize with someone takes away the feeling of being felt sorry for and instead validates one's experience."
Get a girl guide. It's not just during the infant and elementary years that orphaned caregivers raising children yearn for practiced advice. For midlife parents raising tweens and teens and launching young adults into the world, the ache for parental wisdom — particularly motherly advice — can feel especially strong, says Hope Edelman, author, coach and founder of Motherless Daughters.
"So many women wish they could go to their moms and say, 'How did you feel when I started getting really teenager-y and difficult? How did you remain calm and have the faith that this would all be OK in the end?' You want that one person to tell you, just ride it out — it's going to be OK. Other people can say it to you but it doesn't hold the same kind of emotional density that it would coming from your own mom."
For mothers without mothers, feelings of loneliness and uncertainty are widespread, Edelman says.
Losses Later in Life
"There's also this sense of not having an elder there to witness this transition, which we don't realize is important until we don't have it. It just feels like stepping into the abyss with this child that you are now tasked with keeping alive and raising without anyone who remembers you at that age to talk to."
Edelman, who along with a team runs support groups and retreats for women who faced "mother loss" before age 30, says that empty nesting (typically experienced between the ages of 45 and 65) is a time when women report a peak in feelings of bereavement. In 2025, Edelman plans to offer a new retreat to address the needs of an older group of motherless mothers — women ages 50 and up who haven't had a model for being in an aging body or negotiating the losses that typically occur in later life.
Find help for fathers and mothers online. Considering the share of responsibility for childrearing that American mothers typically assume, it's not surprising that numerous supports for parentless parents are designed for females. In many families, men take on an equal or greater caregiving role. This underscores the crucial need for assistance for fathers on this unique parenting journey.
Over a decade ago, based on Gilbert's books, Parentless Parents, an inclusive Facebook community, launched.
"Men and women, mothers and fathers who self-identify as parents have gravitated towards this group and they support each other, share concerns and lift each other up. I think they provide an invaluable place for mothers and fathers to feel seen and to have their experiences be validated," Gilbert says.
"The truth is, even our closest friends and family members don't necessarily know what is happening behind our front door — how draining financially or emotionally or otherwise that it might feel for you."
While she says that peer groups can be tremendously helpful, Gilbert cautions that participants should ensure that that groups without seasoned therapists provide "guardrails" to keep conversations on track.
Boldly make connections. Gilbert, whose most recent book with Dr. Ruth Westheimer, "The Joy of Connections," provides a roadmap to creating extended communities, says that by making bold, concerted and practical efforts, parentless parents can make meaningful connections for themselves and their children.
"The truth is, even our closest friends and family members don't necessarily know what is happening behind our front door — how draining financially or emotionally or otherwise that it might feel for you. Unless you ask them to spend time with you and say, 'Why don't you come over for dinner — you can share in the meal prep?' you're going to potentially sign yourself up for a lifetime experience of far fewer connections that are meaningful and supportive than you'd prefer," Gilbert says.
Foster family identity while honoring memories. In her book "Passed and Present: Keeping Memories of Loved Ones Alive", Gilbert offers practical ideas for celebrating and preserving family memories. For parents longing to foster family connections for grandchildren, she provides some sage advice.
"Say the name of your parent out loud. Talk about grandparents who are no longer living. Share stories."
"The easiest and most effective opportunity also happens to be free," Gilbert explains. "Say the name of your parent out loud. Talk about grandparents who are no longer living. Share stories. When you make a certain dish or dessert that reminds you of your mom or dad, don't just think about it, vocalize it."
By centering conversations around a child's relationship to the grandparent, you have an opportunity to strengthen bonds. "Instead of saying something like, 'I'm making this lasagna, and my mom loved lasagna," make this little tweak: 'I'm making lasagna. Your grandma loved lasagna.'"
A few carefully chosen words can make a significant impact, she says. "'Your grandma' or 'your grandfather' is always going to be more meaningful than 'my mom' or 'my dad.'"
