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A Realistic Holiday Wish List for Empty Nesters

As families evolve, traditions may change — and there's nothing wrong with that

By Linda Hanstra

Every year around the holidays, I become nostalgic about the days of yore. I recall memories of my childhood and the Christmas traditions we shared. As we grew in number, my family continued to hold traditions dear – opening gifts from youngest to oldest, scarfing down bacon-wrapped water chestnuts, sharing sister gifts and gathering around the piano to sing the "Hallelujah Chorus."

older couple selfie in the snow
Credit: @centercutt via Twenty20

My own family has its traditions as well. I remember those seasons, not long ago, with little ones at home. The boys helped my husband cut down the tree and we all hung our favorite ornaments while listening to Christmas CDs.

We made more sweets and cookies in the two weeks before Christmas than the rest of the year combined and enjoyed family movie nights, watching "Elf," "A Christmas Story," "It's a Wonderful Life" and more. Familiar yuletide carols rang out from the piano as our daughters prepared for holiday recitals.

I miss those days. We've been empty nesters for over three years now. The piano is dusty. The house is quiet. All of the decorating and much of the cookie-making fall on my shoulders. I miss the excitement our children brought to the holiday season. 

The Benefits of a Slower Pace

Still, there are upsides to an empty nest during holiday prep time. 

For one, there's no need to hide the gifts. I'm no longer the sneaky, stealthy Santa's elf I once was. I stack and sort the boxes and bags in a central location of the house and when I'm ready, I take all the time I need to wrap and tag. As long as it's done before the college kids come home, my mission is accomplished. (Sadly, this year, due to COVID-19 and an early end to their semesters, I may be hiding gifts again.)

Enjoying the festivities at a more leisurely pace is a perk for my planner.

Another benefit of the empty nest is a December that's not crammed with concerts and programs. The holiday season is busy enough with its parties, shopping and festivities. But when the kids were home, we also added their choir and band concerts, winter semi-formal dances and parties with their friends.

Enjoying the festivities at a more leisurely pace is a perk for my planner. However, that's not to say my heart doesn't ache for the younger families whose holiday concerts and dances might be canceled this year due to the pandemic.

With these empty-nest advantages, we will be ready when our children descend on us from various corners of the country for a brief time around the holidays. But when they do, can we expect all of our dreams to come true? 

In a word: No. 

5 Realistic Wishes

The kids haven't lived at home for at least a few months; some for a few years. They have changed and so have we.

In addition, this year we have a global pandemic invading our traditions much like The Grinch. In light of all that's changed, I've had to adapt my holiday "wish list" to these empty-nest realist wishes:

Wish #1: Peace and harmony. Just kidding! When the kids come home, the peace we've grown accustomed to in our quiet empty nest will disappear. From the moment they walk in the door and the dog starts barking like crazy, that peace is gone.

My advice: Enjoy it. Don't squelch it by telling everyone to please settle down. Where there is laughter, there is happiness.

As far as harmony, well, they are still siblings after all. And they won't agree on everything. They might even argue and revert back to childhood roles. Be ready to play peacemaker and to remind everyone to be civil and act like the adults they now claim to be. 

Wish #2: A clutter-free celebration. Umm...no, again. When we see Hallmark-esque commercials on TV or pictures in "Martha Stewart Living," we must remember: this is not real life. Real life is messy. And kids, no matter their age, bring clutter with them.

It might help to have everyone assigned to a room or area of the house before they arrive, and ask them to keep their things in their designated spot as much as possible. But be flexible and accept that there will be more shoes and coats and "stuff" lying around than when your nest is empty.

Wish #3: Everyone pitches in and helps with the big family dinner. Well, I don't know which fairy tale you live in, but that's not what happens in our home. If the kids weren't super-helpful before, they probably won't be now.

Yes, they've been living on their own. They've learned how to cook, married a wife and know how to wash dishes. But remember, they are HOME! It's easy for them to slip back into their old roles of having Mom and Dad wait on them. 

While you're busy fixing the meal, listen to the sounds of laughter. Soak it in and remember that you are making it possible. Be easy on yourself by simplifying and preparing foods ahead of time as much as possible. If you do want help with the meal, be direct. Assign food contributions and responsibilities in advance to alleviate stress in the moment and to allow more time for you to spend with your kids.

Wish #4: Past holiday traditions live on! This wish also needs adjustment. As our kids leave home, holiday rituals change out of necessity. Attempting to squeeze into a few days what previously took the month of December to complete will make everyone quite miserable, yourself included.

By the time the kids arrive, our tree is already cut and decorated. Although I've made some treats, I leave our favorite "Oreo Truffles" for my oldest daughter to make upon her arrival. As it's her specialty, she's delighted to continue that tradition.

We may not be able to watch all of our favorite holiday movies together, but we can pick one favorite this year; another the next. By choosing our most meaningful holiday traditions, we prioritize our relationships and time spent together. 

If we tweak our traditions for just this year, we can bring them back with more meaning and fervor in 2021.

Wish #5. Family photo and greeting in the mail on time. This wish is in the final spot because it tends to be the last thing I do. Although I love receiving holiday cards and photos throughout December, I love those that come after the holidays just as much.

I gave up the December 25th deadline years ago. I also gave up having a polished photo taken every year. A real photo shoot is great once in a while, but in our "normal" years, everyone is happy to leave that added stress at the door when they're home for the holidays. 

Instead, we squeeze the family onto the couch in matching PJ pants, flannel shirts or ugly Christmas sweaters. We rally the dogs to look at the camera (mounted on the tripod) and say "cheese" as the self-timer goes off. That's the extent of our photo shoot. A written summary with photos of our year in a digital format keeps friends and family up-to-date without the burden of printing, addressing and mailing.

A Special Wish for Next Year

2020 Bonus Wish: Find hope for 2021. For me and my family, as with so many others, the 2020 holiday season will be different. And difficult. We have all suffered great losses this year and there may be empty chairs at our family gatherings, if we can even have family gatherings. We are still living under the cloud of a pandemic that threatens to keep families apart or undo our longstanding traditions. 

Finding new, perhaps virtual, ways to come together and celebrate will be key. If we tweak our traditions for just this year, we can bring them back with more meaning and fervor in 2021. Maybe this is the year to let go of some old, worn-out traditions and embrace new ones instead. 

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Despite the potential sadness of this season, we can search for, and spread, joy in many ways. Through sharing family photos from seasons past. By donating to a local food pantry. By listening to music that embraces the meaning behind the celebrations. By lighting candles that remind us to search for light and goodness in every situation. And by ringing in the new year with the hope of a vaccine, an end to the virus and better days to come. 

Having an "empty nest realist wish list" is all about lowering expectations. If we expect perfection, we'll be sorely disappointed.

Our holidays may be too quiet this year. Or they might be noisy, chaotic and cluttered. We may feel exhausted and yearn for days of yore. And there's always someone who closes their eyes or looks away when the camera goes "click."

The thing to remember is...that's not what we'll remember. When the holidays are over and everyone is back in their respective places, we'll remember the laughter, the smiles, and the taste of the Oreo truffles. 

Despite our adjustments and disappointments, we'll remember and give thanks for the love that binds us together across the miles and through the years. 

Linda Hanstra is a school Speech-Language Pathologist by day, writer/blogger by night. She lives in Michigan with her husband, and for the moment, her two college-aged daughters. Linda writes to encourage empty-nesters on topics of family, faith, travel, biking, and more. Visit her website at lindahanstra.com.     Read More
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