Widowed and in a New Relationship

William Osler, a Canadian physician and one of the founding professors of John Hopkins Hospital once said, "The value of experience is in not seeing much, but in seeing wisely."

My partner, Michael, and I have found that to be true of our relatively new relationship. Both of us were widowed after long marriages to our respective spouses. As former high school classmates, we connected on Facebook several years prior, but after I saw a post about him possibly moving close to where I was living, I contacted him directly and told him he would have a friend when he moved.

We PM'd (private messaged) then talked by phone and video chat and eventually fell in love long distance. Within three months, he'd come to live with me and within seven months, I sold my home, we purchased a home together and moved closer to our hometown.

We naively thought that deep love, our shared background, common interests, age and experience in our former relationships would shield us from the pitfalls many younger first-time partners experience. As it turns out, experience can sometimes work in favor of a new relationship, but it can also work against it when dragging the baggage of expectations, lifelong quirks and habits.

"I think the most important thing in new relationships and living together is to set realistic expectations," says Megan Collins, a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) in Beverly Hills, California. "This will be new and different and will not look like the previous relationship."

Collins adds that there may be some overlap of the previous marriage or partnership; couples should enter into later-in-life relationships with the only expectation that everything will be different. "Your new partner probably will not love or support you the way your deceased partner did," she says. "As with any relationship, it's important to be friends first."

Anne Criss, 81, lives with her husband, Ric, in Surry, Maine. Criss lost her husband, Paul, in 1999. Ric was the couple's good friend and part of a group who sailed with them. "We were really like family," says Criss. Two years after Paul's passing, Criss says the two fell in love. "Ric was good support; he was missing Paul as well."

They were married in 2003 and embarked on a five-year sailing journey. "When you're sailing on a forty-foot boat together, sometimes there's no room for argument. We knew we could only depend on each other, so we learned to cooperate with each other," Criss says of the sometimes stormy and rough seas they encountered during that time. "I think that had a lot to do with bringing us closer, getting us past that giddy part of being in love."

Criss also says she believes their long-lasting marriage has worked because they were good friends first. "We knew and got along with each other's families. We had a lot in common and knew what we both wanted and expected from a relationship," she says.

"We also don't ignore Paul and my marriage," Criss says, explaining they brought Paul's ashes on the sailing adventure. "It was something he always wanted to do and didn't get to, so we brought his ashes. We still to this day remember him and laugh about the good times we all had."

Collins says in addition to setting reasonable expectations and being friends, the next most important thing for a healthy relationship is communication. "It's important to communicate your feelings, what you like and don't like and especially what grounds you and makes you feel loved," says Collins.

Collins says it's important to not only communicate your needs, or "love language," but to be curious about your partner's. "A good partner will not only communicate their needs but also want to learn about the other's as well," says Collins.

Finally, Collins, says it's also about setting boundaries. "Depending on how long the person has lived alone, they may have learned to appreciate alone time," says Collins. "Both partners need to learn to communicate those wants and learn what the other needs to ground themselves."

Dr. Harris Stratyner, Ph.D., of Stratyner & Associates in New York and professor of psychology in psychiatry at Mount Sinai School of Medicine, advises new partners in a later-in-life relationship not to discount how big the small things can become.

"I had one couple who broke up because they didn't like the same television shows," says Stratyner. "It's important to have things in common, but it's also important to approach life with humor and sometimes not take life so seriously."

Stratyner says just as with new first-time younger couples, the biggest issue that comes up for older couples is money. "Couples need to establish who will pay the bills, how both will contribute, as well as not overlook the issue of planned estates and wills," he explains. "One partner who has children may say, 'my children are getting the house or property' while the other partner may say, 'we are married or living together, that should change now.'"

Additionally, Stratyner says partners must be willing to discuss and possibly compromise on religious beliefs and observance and political views, "especially in this climate," he says. "If each partner doesn't have an open mind, it's not going to work."

One thing Stratyner says many new partners who were previously widowed may overlook are their fears about losing their new partner. "If a person took care of their ailing spouse before they died, they may have fears about doing that in a new relationship," says Stratyner.

He says these matters should be discussed prior to marriage or moving in with a new partner, preferably with a counselor who specializes in couples' counseling.

Michael and I work well in such things as finances and home responsibilities, but found ourselves needing assistance in comparing our previous marriages, setting boundaries for alone time and communication. 

When my late husband, Dale, and I married, the church in which we took our vows required us to attend several weeks of couples' counseling. Although Dale and I had been dating for seven years, the counseling helped us establish better lines of communication, expectations and boundaries.

Michael and I admittedly may have jumped straight from giddy in love to living together, so we decided couples' counseling could help us go back and solidify the foundation.

So far, it appears to be working.

Kerri Fivecoat-Campbell is a full-time freelance writer and author living in Louisburg, Kansas, just south of Kansas City. She is the author of the best-selling book, “Living Large in Our Little House: Thriving in 480-Square Feet with Six Dogs, a Husband and One Remote.” She administers a Facebook page, Living Large in a Little Town and one for helping widows and widowers move forward, Finding Myself After Losing My Spouse. Read More