Rewriting Forever: The Rise and Reality of Gray Divorce

For many married couples, the initial desire to tie the knot occurred after falling in love, along with a youthful longing to start a lifelong partnership. Nevertheless, not all unions can last the test of time — now, there is a rising tide of couples over 50 opting for later-life separations, also known as "gray divorces."

In fact, the recent upward trend of gray divorces is in direct contrast to the falling number of marriage breakups in all other age ranges. Whereas divorce rates among younger age groups are declining, divorces for adults over the age of 50 have doubled since 1990.

There are several reasons for this significant shift in later-life separations and there are potential challenges — particularly faced by women.

Aside from the emotional turmoil of deciding to get divorced, economic factors such as spousal support, housing and asset division also take on greater significance just prior to or following retirement. So, what's driving the rising numbers?

Sahar Maknouni, a family law attorney at Maknouni Family Law Firm in Los Angeles, said, "A major factor contributing to gray divorces, in my experience, is shifting social norms and the diminishing stigma associated with divorce."

Particularly among baby boomers, "the reduction in social pressure to remain in unsatisfactory marriages allows them to prioritize their own happiness in a generation that traditionally emphasized 'family' above personal fulfillment," Maknouni said.

She was also keen to highlight that "another significant factor contributing to the trend of divorces among couples over the age of 50, surprisingly, was COVID-19," explaining how the worldwide pandemic — and the resulting stay-at-home orders — exposed couples to the reality of living together in very close quarters unlike they may have experienced before.

Even before COVID-19, the adjustment to an "empty nest" forced many couples to re-evaluate their life choices. Unlike in previous generations, where economic dependence often meant women were made to feel trapped in a marriage, more women over 50 now enjoy financial independence.

Holly Herzog, a certified psychologist from Bend, Oregon, who herself experienced a gray divorce, explained that she initiated the process after recognizing things had changed. She shared that she was "a different person than I was when I got married in my 20s."

"I realize now that a long marriage is not necessarily a happy marriage, and being happy is more important than staying with someone that you no longer enjoy spending time with," Herzog said.

While marriage or couples' counseling is a good first step to see if partners can overcome any concerns, ultimately, not all marriages can survive obstacles or shifts in relationship dynamics.

For couples whose differences are irreconcilable, it's important to acknowledge the repercussions of divorce in later life. Perhaps paramount to these considerations is an individual's financial security.

After decades of shared financial responsibilities, the concept of independent living, a need to fund an individual's retirement, and planning for all eventualities begins to hit home. Likewise, the inevitable division of monetary assets such as pensions, Social Security, 401(k) plans and real estate can occasionally foster resentment between separating couples.

Along with these criteria, Maknouni also noted, "The most significant factor that often becomes a point of contention in less amicable divorce cases — across all age groups —  is the payment of spousal support." As she notes, the resulting outcomes have not always been favorable to women – particularly those who gave up their careers to raise children.

Navigating the complexities of gray divorce requires forward-thinking considerations and, inevitably, compromises by both parties during the financial and property division stages of a divorce.

However, later-life divorces aren't always impacted by overly-complicated financial implications. Instead, it's the social and emotional consequences of getting divorced that can be more prominent.

As Herzog noted, "Many friendships change during a divorce. [Some people] don't understand what you are going through and how all-consuming it can be."

The path to ending a long-term marriage in later life is not always easy. It is imperative to recognize that support systems are available; divorce should be viewed as the end of one chapter and the beginning of the next.

Maknouni said, "My primary advice to individuals over the age of 50 is to recognize that divorce, while a significant life event, is not equivalent to the end of one's life."

Begin by consulting with a qualified legal representative to gain a better understanding of your legal position and your rights.

Talking with a financial advisor can provide a platform to make informed decisions about life after the divorce. They can assess your financial situation, including discussing asset division and retirement planning, and creating a future budgeting blueprint.

Another critical step ahead of a separation is to visit government websites such as the Social Security Administration (SSA). Here, you can request information on whether you qualify for Social Security spousal benefits and gain access to family benefits planning.

While the legal and financial aspects of getting divorced are critical, it's vital not to neglect your well-being throughout the process.

"Finding others for support that had been through the same challenges with divorce was a key part of my emotional transition," said Herzog. "Not only did they understand the magnitude of what I was dealing with, they had tips that they learned along the way that were invaluable".

Drawing from her own experience, Herzog now runs a successful website called Grace Untethered, which provides support and e-courses to help people in the midst of a divorce. She helps people address the different phases of grief they may be feeling, learn how to manage the emotional transition, and discover how to build a successful support network post-divorce.

During the divorce process, a variety of measures need to be considered, and the stress and strain of divorce can sometimes feel overwhelming. However, after a gray divorce, people do have the potential to live a full life throughout their retirement years.

Stuart Hughes is a freelance journalist and marketing content writer specializing in travel & tourism, education, social issues, and technology. He has written articles for Next Avenue, Techopedia, Best Western Hotels & Resorts, and Lenovo. His writing portfolio can be found here. Read More