Sisters in Their 70s
As we developed our womanhood, we also developed our sisterhood. Our mutual respect and compassion for each other evolved, as did our family ties.
I just returned from a short trip to celebrate birthdays with my sister and my two daughters. While we are two sets of sisters, one in their mid-70s and the other in their late 40s, generationally, we are different in our relationships with each other and our views on life.
Our trip was a rare opportunity to appreciate those differences. One morning, as all four of us cuddled in a king-size bed together, our conversation revealed the unique places we were in our lives.
My daughters are happily married and have successful careers. One has a household of three wonderful sons, and the other without children by choice. They have goals and plans for building their future, and aside from a few problems, they take each day as it comes. As sisters, they have a solid and caring relationship while living very separate lives. The one thing they are sure of is that they can count on each other, even if time together is limited.
With Each Loss, We Grow Closer
My sister and I are alone after losing our long-time partners. What was a challenging relationship between us has become a cherished one. At our age, we count each day as a gift — a gift enriched by our daily 4 pm check-in calls to share a story, confide an overwhelming feeling, or wrestle with one of our many daily hassles. Lately, we've granted each other permission to just "spew." That means listen and don't try to fix it.
If anyone had told me that the sister I once pushed off a bench when she was 7, knocking her out cold, would become the person I turn to daily, I wouldn't have believed it. I was the big sister, schlepping her with me everywhere. She was even the mascot of my Girl Scout troupe, led by my mother. I was a poster child for what the New York Times recently labeled the "eldest daughter syndrome" which carries "intense feelings of familial responsibility, people-pleasing tendencies, and resentment toward your siblings and parents." Resentment is the keyword in this description. I didn't like her. She idolized me.
We understand each other like no one else can.
But as we developed our womanhood, we also developed our sisterhood. Our mutual respect and compassion for each other evolved, as did our family ties.
With each loss — parents, husbands, friends — we have grown even closer.
As sisters in our 70s, we have become comfortable with our differences, even appreciating them. That's because we have the threads of a shared history and fond memories connecting us. As we age, we recognize and value each other's wisdom. We face our grief over lost husbands with empathy. We accommodate our physical limitations with patience and understanding. We recommend beauty products to cover age lines and always comment on whether our latest hairstyle makes us look younger. We understand each other like no one else can.
The Benefits of Sisterhood
I'm noticing that as my daughters mature, their bond becomes stronger. Instinctively, they use the shorthand communication that sisters have. They are moving from judgment to understanding and are beginning to place each other a bit higher in their priorities. And they still giggle together. Hopefully, this will result in an enduring relationship of unconditional love.
The generational differences between sisters really shows up when there is conflict. My sister and I learned to stuff our feelings and dance around sensitive issues. If we reacted quickly with a critique, it never went well. Today, we are still cautious, but do speak our truth. However, I'm not known to be a diplomat.
On the other hand, when my daughters, as they say, "didn't like how something landed," therapy and business training have taught them to "provide feedback" or "clarify expectations." Their language is more formal, less confrontational, and rarely spontaneous.
Having someone in your life who takes the time to understand you in deep and meaningful ways and then allows you to reciprocate is someone to hold dear.
The benefits of sisterhood in the 70s doesn't require a biological relationship. An emotionally connected friend can be a trusted source of companionship and support akin to a sister. There may not be a shared history, but experiences can be collected. Having someone in your life who takes the time to understand you in deep and meaningful ways and then allows you to reciprocate is someone to hold dear.
I like my sister now. It's a good thing because she is moving across the country to be near family and eighteen minutes from me. Knowing we will be readily available to each other, we needed to have an honest dialogue as a precaution.
Each of us has worked hard to have our own identity, and as anyone our age knows, we have become creatures of habit with likes and even stronger dislikes. Neither of us is willing to give up who and what we have become. But when you are sisters in your seventies, time together is precious.
I look forward to hanging out, walking around the lakes, and laughing spontaneously. I can't wait for the two sets of sisters to crawl into a bed together and talk.
And I will always feel bad for pushing her off that bench.
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