Staying In More? When to Worry

My tennis buddy Rory has always been a gregarious guy. In several ways, he's a social butterfly, the kind of guy who reaches out to people while in line at Starbucks and gets to know a slew of people at the tennis club. And he goes out to plays and movies with friends on a continuing basis.

But he's in his early 60s now, and something is changing. He's still active and social, to a point, but he's increasingly less engaged, and goes out less frequently that he has in the past. Instead, he stays home more often and socializes less at night. He loves his 70-inch TV screen, which has become like a friend. Now he's as happy being alone as he is socializing.

Is there a problem here? What do experts say when people in their 60s start slowing down in socializing and begin isolating in subtle ways? Experts reveal that curtailing social get-togethers is often a natural process as people enter their 60s, and not necessarily detrimental, as long as they continue to engage with a select few and don't cut off most relationships.

As we age, time changes for us and many people narrow down and reduce their social engagements and prioritize them more, explains Caitlin Coyle, director of the Center for Social & Demographic Research on Aging at the University of Massachusetts Gerontology Institute in Boston.

Most people in their twenties to their forties "are building social capital in their career through networking" or trying to meet a mate and that frequently entails going out to dinner and socializing in bars, Coyle says. As they enter their sixties, they've "built their social capital and now it's time to spend it. So people are more intentional about how they spend their time, often curtailing their social activity, since they're don't have to look for the next job or partner," she notes.

People in their sixties "are realizing their time on earth is more finite and they don't have as much time," and often do fewer things socially and prioritize doing things that are more meaningful, Coyle indicates. "They're not self-isolating; they're more thoughtful about why they're socially engaging," she adds.

By the time most people turn 60, they tend to be more emotionally secure and  comfortable within their own skin, and "don't need to go out with friends for the hell of it," Coyle observes. For example, they may opt to spend more time with their grandchildren to solidify their legacy for the next generation or volunteer at a non-profit to help society rather than have dinner with friends several times a week.

Older adults become more selective in their social engagements and "groom relationships in patterned ways to focus on those that are nearest and dearest," explains Louise Hawkley, a senior fellow at NORC (also known as the National Opinion Research Center) who is based at the University of Chicago and whose research specializes in the interrelationships of loneliness, social isolation and health. Many people in their sixties no longer have the energy to maintain a large, extensive network of friends.

Research indicates there are drawbacks to older adults cutting back on meeting people on a regular basis, Hawkley says. "Restricting one's network restricts access to information and tangible help, like having someone to drive you to the doctor's appointment or grocery store. And if you're grieving, you'd like someone to talk to. The more diverse your social network, the more likely you'll find someone that can meet one or more of those needs."

Despite understanding the reasons why many older adults curtail some of their social engagements, Coyle adds some cautionary words: "There's a slogan in aging circles: use it or lose it."

If people are engaging fewer times with other people socially, their skills at developing new friendships and sustaining older ones sag. "It's a slippery slope with slowing down socializing and becoming more isolated," she adds.

The key is finding the right balance between one's quantity of social engagements blended with the quality of them, Coyle notes. Most people in their sixties still want to and need to socialize, just not as much as they did in the past. Some people in their sixties narrow down their circle of friends, eliminating some peripheral ones, concentrating on the two or three close ones who yield the deepest friendships.

But Hawkley notes that curtailing social meetings doesn't necessarily contribute or lead to isolating oneself. Isolation, she points out, often happens when someone is "homebound or can't get out of the house easily."

Slowing down social meetings can affect married couples or single individuals. "What happens with married couples is they don't exert as much effort in broadening their network because they have each other," Hawkley says, adding that a single person may be more motivated to connect with others because they don't have a spouse to lean on.

In most cases with married couples, women "are the manager of the social calendar for the couple and if the man is widowed, he is often less inclined or confident of establishing relationships on his own," says Hawkley.

If the person (or couple) recognizes that he or she is reducing friends, and they're losing contact with too many people, Hawkley suggests "doing some inner work, thinking about things and deciding what it will take to satisfy you." That could be one of several things including joining a book club or having a weekly coffee meeting with a friend whom you don't see often enough.

If people find themselves isolating more than socializing and cutting off some friendships, Coyle offers some tips to stay on the social bandwagon. "Return a call from someone you haven't spoken to in a while, compliment someone at the grocery store, and do some small activities to put yourself out there" and start a new friendship.

More Americans disengaging with people is turning into what one writer describes as a loneliness epidemic. David French, a New York Times columnist, noted that "The story of modern America —especially for working-class Americans who did not go to college — is a story of declining  connections, declining friendships." And that increasing isolation can lead to depression and has several deleterious effects.

Hawkley urges people to avoid turning the reduced social load into cutting off almost all relationships and resorting to near isolation. A range of studies, she notes, connects becoming isolated to "early mortality. It's related to cardiovascular diseases, heart failures, strokes and the onslaught of diabetes in old age."

Staying connected is part of the human condition and intrinsically involved with staying positive, upbeat and engaged. "We have a biological mechanism to ensure that we get ourselves connected," Hawkley reminds us.

If someone notices their social circle is becoming too myopic and too limiting, Hawkley recommends these options:

1. Expand one's circle beyond peers; reach out to people 20 years or younger who share common interests
2. Find ways to volunteer that make yourself feel productive, which boosts your energy and makes you want to interact with others
3. Find people in the same situation and form a group, like widowers who discuss how they're handling mourning
4. Australian men are known to form shed groups, where they work together in a workshop doing carpentry or mechanics, but groups can be formed around any interest from mahjong to chess
5. Strive to overcome our polarized society; become friendly with someone from an opposing political party and establish common interests

Coyle said slowing down on socializing isn't a negative as much as a "constant calibration of how we spend our time." It symbolizes a stage of life when "you have to reflect on what is meaningful to you and align your behavior with that."