Steven Petrow Wants You to Find Joy

Just like many of us, Steven Petrow understands how hard it is to find a bright side when you are faced with darkness. In 2017, the award-winning journalist and author faced the most challenging year of his life. During that time, he lost both his parents, he separated from his husband and his beloved sister Julie was diagnosed with stage four ovarian cancer.

Yet, with all that going on, Petrow, now 67, was suprised that he could still find some moments of joy. A self-described "glass half-empty" kind of guy, Petrow wondered how it was even possible.

Petrow further explored the topic of joy in a 2022 essay for the Washington Post titled "How I found joy in life during difficult times." It wasn't like things had drastically improved since 2017; in fact, for most of us they were worse. In 2020 there was the pandemic and the chaos of the election. People were sick and dying from COVID-19. Everyone was isolating. Personally, Petrow was disconnected from loved ones due to the isolation forced by COVID-19. He was also dealing with the sad news that his sister's cancer had returned.

As he wrote in the essay, "The past twenty-two months haven't registered high on what I would call the joy-o-meter."

The column hit a nerve with readers. A month after it ran, Maria Shriver, the publisher of The Open Field imprint at Penguin Random House, reached out to say she hoped he could write a book about finding and sharing joy. Petrow wasn't sure he was up to the task, but he was intrigued and ultimately, he agreed.

The book, The Joy You Make , is a comprehensive roadmap that combines Petrow's personal insights along with compelling research and interviews with experts on the topic. It offers real-life stories, practical advice and "how to" exercises to help readers find joy in their everyday lives.

Petrow has divided the book into short chapters, each highlighting a different way to find joy. These include the importance of gratitude and authenticity, as well as the different joys found in memories, playing board games or outdoor games like pickleball, spending time near the water, hosting a dance party and even doing nothing. "Everyone finds joy in different ways," explains Petrow.

"Many people get confused between joy and happiness," said Petrow in an interview with Next Avenue. "But they are not the same thing. I like to explain the difference as 'Happiness is eating a fudge brownie' while 'Joy is making a pan of fudge brownies to share.'  The idea is that happiness is more about 'me' while joy is more about 'us.'  When we are experiencing joy, it's in conjunction with feelings such as gratitude, kindness, connection, generosity and empathy."

Another misconception is that joy comes purely from big moments like birthday celebrations and being on vacation. Petrow says, "Yes, we experience 'big bang' moments in life where we are ecstatic. But it's the smaller joys that will sustain and fulfill us. We need to be open to the less glamorous joys that are available to us every day."

Even on a bad day, there are ways to find joy. "It's about changing your mindset," explains Petrow. "You have to choose joy. It's about making a bunch of small choices and leaning in." 

He recalls walking with his dog on a gray and rainy day. "We were walking a while under the clouds and then we turned a corner to find the sun hitting the flowers in a way that everything popped. One step and everything changed, but I wouldn't have even seen it if I hadn't been paying attention and open to joy."

Petrow discusses using our five senses to find gratitude in our lives. "Going through the senses is a great checklist, especially when you are having a hard day and finding it difficult to figure out what you are grateful for," he says. "Gratitude can come from things we see, taste, hear, feel and smell."

Many people find it helpful to keep a gratitude journal. Petrow has done so for seven years, and it is a simple way to boost your joy-meter. He says, "Some days, it's harder to come up with three things to be grateful for, but I always do, even if it's something subtle or small. There is no judgment in gratitude — whatever you feel brings you joy is a good thing."

In his book, Petrow writes about aging and finding joy in getting older. "I am in my 60s and divorced, so I have a lot of solitary time," he says. "I am more joyful when I think of the time I spend alone as something I choose and own rather than something that has been imposed upon me."

While enjoying solitude is important, connecting with others is more so. Petrow understands how it can be easy to feel lonely and disconnected, especially in midlife. "We need to continue to put ourselves out there," he says. "Reach out to old friends and be open to making new ones. There are senior centers, places to volunteer and opportunities to make friends both older and younger than we are. We need to let our defenses down."

Petrow admits that life can be challenging and filled with grief. But even in the most difficult times, there can be joy. In the book, he discusses the birthday party held for what would be his sister Julie's last year.

"Julie asked for a birthday party, so we planned one for her. Then, we found out she was out of treatment options for her cancer. The gathering ended up half for her birthday and half goodbye party," he recalls. "Of course, we were sad, but we were also grateful. We were more intentional with our time together, and we said everything we wanted to say. We were grateful Julie got to have this time with friends and family. So was she."

In the book, Petrow recalls waiting in line at a bakery in Northern California known for its scones. When he got to the counter, there was one lone scone left on the shelf. Petrow ordered the scone, and the customer behind him, a stranger, shouted, "That's my scone! I've been waiting in line for twenty minutes."

At first, Petrow was caught off guard and moderately annoyed. Why did this guy have any right to the scone? But then he turned around, surprising himself, and asked this stranger, "Would you like half?" He said "yes" and they ordered a croissant that they could also share.

Petrow says it was a more joyful experience than if he had just eaten the whole pastry himself, and he went from judging the man to actually seeing him. He writes, "(When) I said, 'Would you like half?' I might as well have said, 'You matter.'"

"We get a 'helper's high' when we are kind," Petrow says. "It can be as easy as sharing a scone, baking someone a cake or smiling at a stranger. Joy is contagious."

Randi Mazzella is a freelance writer specializing in a wide range of topics from parenting to pop culture to life after 50. She is a mother of three grown children and lives in New Jersey with her husband.  Read more of her work on randimazzella.com. Read More