‘The Bride Is Keeping Her Name’

In 1855, Lucy Stone — an early feminist and suffragist — became the first American woman on record to keep her surname when she married. This women's liberation "trend" didn't exactly catch on. It wasn't until the 1970s, during second wave feminism, that women retained their surnames in appreciable numbers.

But, despite gains in nearly every arena of personal and professional life over the past 50 years, women still — overwhelmingly — adopt their husband's name once they walk down the aisle. Laurie Scheuble, sociologist and professor emeritus of teaching at Pennsylvania State University, calls this phenomenon, "the last socially approved sexism."

Exact numbers of women who keep their surnames — let's call them "keepers" — are difficult to ascertain. Surveys have concluded that, over the past 20 years, the percentage of keepers has ranged from just 6.4% (2004 data) to about 20% in 2015.

In 2023, the Pew Research Center published a study indicating that 14% of American women were keepers (the figure was 20% for women aged 18-49). But Scheuble, who has studied the name-changing phenomenon for decades, says the sampling error for surveys like Pew's can be significant, adding, "my best guess is that about 10% to 12% of women are making a nonconventional last name choice at the time of marriage."

There is, however, relatively good data on the individual demographics of keepers. They "tend to have a predictable set of characteristics, including being older when they married, liberal, better educated, having lower levels of religiosity," says Scheuble.

Jennifer Lopez famously (perhaps infamously for some) took Ben Affleck's last name when they married in 2020. Her reasoning? "I just feel like it's romantic. It still carries tradition and romance to me."

In reality that tradition is not all that romantic. It's derived from an archaic legal concept called coverture, which dates back to at least the Middle Ages — and which the British happily brought to "the colonies" in the 17th century.

The renowned English jurist William Blackstone explained the concept this way in 1765: "the husband and wife are one person in law; that is, the very being or legal existence of the woman is . . . incorporated and consolidated into that of the husband."

"Coverture was the idea that when a woman married, her legal identity was subsumed within her husband's. He obtained the legal right to control her body and property, including her wages," says Carrie Baker, professor of women and gender studies at Smith College.

Ahhh, tradition. Sooo romantic!

While much has changed for women since colonial times, it's been a long, hard, uneven struggle — from the enactment of Married Women's Property Acts in the 19th century to gaining the right to vote in federal elections in 1920 to protection against wage discrimination with the Equal Pay Act of 1963. By 1976, women were no longer required to adopt their husband's last name in any state in the union.

Put simply, for nearly half a century, whether or not a woman takes her husband's last name (becoming a "changer") has been a choice. And yet women still overwhelmingly opt to do so.

Scheuble points out that this "freedom" is a chimera. "[We act] as if there's a choice when, for many women, the choice is you change your birth surname or you create lifelong problems with your husband, his family or your family," she says.

"Women experience tremendous pressure to change their name," agrees Baker. "It can be burdensome and stigmatizing in many communities to not change your name."

One factor is that women tend to make the decision during an extraordinarily ritualized milepost in their lives. "The marriage ceremony is still often very traditional, with women wearing white [and] having their father hand them over to their husband," explains Baker.

Many of those seemingly benign traditions are steeped in sexism: The father "giving the bride away" is a symbol of coverture. The bride's family paying for the wedding has roots in the concept of dowry — money given by the bride's family to the groom. Other wedding rituals — engagement rings, carrying the bride "over the threshold" — also have sexist roots.

"Changing [one's] name falls into these patterns," says Baker.

The bottom line? The name-changing tradition is a powerful social norm. It perseveres due to an immense amount of societal — and interpersonal — peer pressure.

"Women and men are strongly socialized into the woman taking the man's last name," says Scheuble, noting that "middle school girls still practice writing their first name with the 'boy of the week's' last name!"

So what do brides themselves say about their decisions? In keeping with the lack of good data surrounding this topic generally, there's not much research on those individual reasons.

Philip Cohen, a sociology professor at the University of Maryland in College Park, conducted an informal online "marital name survey" in 2019 and found that the most important factors for changers were the interests of their children and showing commitment to the marriage.

"There is strong social pressure [for women to change names] to show their love and commitment to their husbands," says Baker. "They do this in anticipation of children, with which they want to have a common name."

Family unity ("The Smiths") and hassles — with school districts, doctors, etc. — are also cited. (The latter cuts both ways — see below.)

Some traditions are meaningful and lovely and heartwarming: Giving thanks on the fourth Thursday in November. Decorating Christmas trees and lighting menorahs. Bringing meals to those who have lost a loved one. Keepers have concluded that changing surnames when one marries is not one of those warm fuzzy traditions.

In the 2019 Cohen survey the most important reasons keepers specified for their decisions were feminism and professional considerations. Convenience — the flip side of hassles — is, ironically, cited by both keepers and changers. For the former it means no need to change your name with various government agencies — and thus no need to pay for a "name changing service" to help you do so. No need to reintroduce yourself to your professional — or social media — world.

Which last name do you give the children? That's really a separate issue. Certainly there's a strong argument for — at a minimum — having the mother's last name as the children's middle name. After all, most women go through nine months of pregnancy, arduous labor and more. Perhaps they've earned the right to have "Baby Mom's-Last-Name" on the hospital wrist band.

In the end, says Scheuble, when a woman keeps her name upon marriage, it's not merely symbolic. "I think it's about identity. Why are men allowed to identify with their last name and have that through their life course and not women?" she asks.

Greece, France, Belgium, The Netherlands and the province of Quebec have all adopted laws requiring the retention of surnames upon marriage. In China and Vietnam it is traditional for brides to keep their names.

Baker likes how surnames are handled in Hispanic cultures. That tradition works like this: Everyone has two surnames (sometimes hyphenated) — their father's first surname followed by their mother's first surname. When John Smith-Jones marries Jane Brown-Johnson, their names remain the same. Their children's surname becomes Smith-Brown, taking the first name from their father's patrilineal line and the second name from the mother's patrilineal line.

Still not perfectly egalitarian — but better.

Will the percentage of women keeping their names rise? "I think it will stagnate," says Baker, adding, "we live in a very conservative society with regard to gender."

Scheuble agrees. After 30 years of marital naming research, she notes that "the one thing that stands out to me is how little change there has been in women keeping their birth surname."

Those who decide to swim against the tide will surely agree with trailblazer Lucy Stone:

"A wife should no more take her husband's name than he should hers. My name is my identity and must not be lost."

Marie Sherlock practiced law for a decade before turning to writing and editing in her 30s — and never looked back. She's worked as the editor of several publications and is the author of a parenting book (Living Simply with Children; Three Rivers Press). She spends her empty-nest days writing about travel trends and destinations, simplicity, spirituality and social justice issues. Read More