The Distance Between Us: Books Encourage Bonding With Grandchildren
Memoirist Reyna Grande and others talk about sharing stories with the next generation
The early days of listening to radio soap operas with her grandmother in Mexico ignited author Reyna Grande's gift for storytelling.
She won her first writing competition in her second language (English) in 8th grade. She was the first in her family to graduate from college, earning a bachelor's degree and a master's in fine arts. Grande is an award-winning novelist, memoirist and writing instructor who lives in Woodland, California.
Her best-known book, "The Distance Between Us," provides an opportunity for grandparents and grandchildren to bond as they read about an important topic in world events. More than that, the book can help families to understand separation between loved ones.
"I say it's about my life before and after I crossed the border."
The multiple award-winning memoir comes in two versions: The full-length memoir is intended for adults. The other version is shorter, less intense and written for ages 10-14.
Grande offered a simple summary of the book: "I say it's about my life before and after I crossed the border." Despite that brief elevator speech, she wrote vivid descriptions of her journey in both versions of the book. In the middle grade edition, she edited out "things that were not appropriate for a young reader."
The books are used in schools as a social studies lesson. Grande has worked with educators to develop a curriculum that covers the book's content and context.
Grande's books reveal more than her immigration story. Many of the obstacles and opportunities her family faced apply to families of all backgrounds. The tale provides a compassionate look at other components of the human condition, making it ideal for discussion between generations.
"That's the power of books, right?" she said. "When you read a book that really speaks to you and that makes you feel less alone."
A Family's Story
In both versions, the poignancy of Grande's story comes through. When she was two years old, her father moved from Iguala, Mexico, to Los Angeles for better economic opportunities. Her mother later joined him, leaving their three young children in the care of their grandmother.
The family went through some dramatic changes while they lived in separate countries. The three kids, especially Reyna, developed feelings of abandonment. Those feelings deepened when Grande's mom gave birth to an American baby. Then the parents split up. Although Reyna was very close to her maternal grandmother in Iguala, other relatives in Mexico called the kids "orphans" and spent the money that was sent from the U.S. for their care.
After seven years apart, Grande's father visited Mexico just long enough to help his three children make the journey across the border. The crossing took three attempts.
In some respects, the family met their goals in Los Angeles. Grande's father expressed high expectations for Reyna and her siblings. He valued a good education. Grande started her American schooling in a small group of Spanish-speaking kids. An in-class tutor provided some translation, but the teacher in charge of the room didn't give them much attention.
Grande took charge of her education. She regularly checked out library books and used a dictionary to define the words she did not recognize.
"Kids will say, 'Oh, can you sign this for my grandmother?' They'll buy a book to give to their grandparents."
A Dialogue Between Generations
In addition to a child's perspective on immigration, "The Distance Between Us" offers frank accounts of family abuse, substance abuse and poverty. Readers may relate to how Grande navigated a new school and a new language, and to the emotions that accompany neglect and abandonment.
"We forget that other people have gone through that experience," Grande explained. "It inspires you and empowers you, too."
Grande travels to speak to parents' clubs and at retirement homes, sometimes in Spanish. When she speaks at schools, students often relate her story to their grandparents' immigration. "Kids will say, 'Oh can you sign this for my grandmother?' They'll buy a book to give to their grandparents."
Many of the topics in Grande's books open a dialogue between generations. Grandparents can offer perspectives that parents cannot.
"The grandparents are understanding more about themselves when they were younger parents by watching their own children parenting," Grande observed, "seeing what mistakes they made and trying to guide their children in being better parents, and also trying to guide their grandchildren to be more understanding. They have that double consciousness."
The Shared Experience of Reading
Jacqueline Toner, a retired clinical psychologist and author in Baltimore, said the shared experience of reading a book can benefit multiple generations, even with kids and grandparents who rarely see each other. She saw the tactile qualities of the connection with her own grandchildren.
"One of the key things about calming fear is being able to listen to what it is, exactly, that the child is afraid of."
"With young children, part of it is 'cuddliness,'" Toner said. "It was more about sitting in my lap and less about the book, and then it became increasingly more about the book."
Toner is co-author of the "What to Do When …" book series, intended to ease anxiety in kids. She said grandparents are in a unique position to calm fears.
"Kids don't see the bigger picture. Kids don't have the perspective that adults have. Kids just see what's happening to them. One of the key things about calming fear is being able to listen to what it is, exactly, that the child is afraid of."
A Family of Readers
Peter Coyl, Library Director and CEO of the Sacramento Public Library, grew up in a family of readers who enjoyed exchanging their reactions to books. His great-grandmother mailed copies of book chapters to all her great-grandchildren "to make sure that we were able to read with her." They would convey their reactions to the book via handwritten letters.
In school, his kindergarten teacher introduced the class, literally, to Laura Numeroff, author of "If You Give A Mouse A Cookie," who spoke to the students. Coyl appreciated the extra effort on the part of his teacher. "She taught us to read in kindergarten and then made sure that we met an author and had that experience."
The Role of Older Adults
Coyl agrees with Toner about the role adults can play when it comes to helping kids process their anxiety.
"The parent is the one who disciplines every day, but that aunt or uncle or the grandparent – they're the ones who are going to spoil the kid," said Coyl. "There's a different relationship. It's a little bit more of a friendship," adding "there's a level of trust that has to be there."
Coyl said that grandchildren may be able to more freely express their desires and fears to grandparents than to their parents. Grandparents can help kids to understand the complexities of life and current events by talking about their own family history.
Toner said, "There can be this generational, cultural divide. When we read a book with a child, we often stop and talk about it. That's a way to make connection."
In the Classroom
Connection occurs in the classroom, too. Like readers of many generations, Grande had a favorite teacher. A college instructor offered a pivotal experience by introducing the young writer to Sandra Cisneros' "The House on Mango Street" and other books by Latina authors. Grande and her family are still in touch with the instructor, who they credit with providing the spark that launched Grande's career.
Toner recalled the impact of her own third-grade teacher. "She was the kind of person who reached out to the quiet kids and made the quiet kids feel just as important as the class clown." Toner was one of the quiet kids.
Years later, a high school social studies teacher took Toner to a new level of class participation. "He would challenge me to formulate ideas and put them together and debate with him," she said. "He definitely helped me make that transition of saying what I think. I had to do some research to be able to argue with him."
Intergenerational interaction is a cultural tradition that has evolved into an educational tool, becoming the focus of university studies and nonprofit organizations. Penn State's Intergenerational Program which falls under its Extension department, offers research and resources for educators and community leaders.
Charter schools, like Cleveland's two Intergenerational Schools focus on reading and discussion between elementary students and grandparent-aged adults. The curriculum and even the arrangement of furniture in the schools maximize the experience.
Reading Is Everywhere
Informal opportunities are possible in every community. The only requirements are kids, grandparents (or friends of the family in that age group) and books.
"Think of a book that you liked as a child and share that."
The selection of books is easy. Let the kids decide.
"We believe firmly in libraries that children have the right to choose what they read," Coyl said, acknowledging the importance of parental involvement. "It really is more successful when it is a book that the child enjoys, that they can be engaged in. Any reading is good reading."
If grandparents or other adults want to offer suggestions, he added, "Think of a book that you liked as a child and share that."
Reyna Grande is not yet a grandmother, but her fond memories of her own grandmother, and her experience with other families' reactions to her books, have her looking forward to welcoming her children's children.
"As a grandmother, you are able to reinvent yourself. You have more maturity, more wisdom," she said. "Grandchildren give you a chance to do it again, but better."
