The Negative Effects of Hyper-Independence

I hate asking for help. Born in 1970 and raised by two loving but predominantly absent parents (due to their commitments to work and providing for the family) I learned how to fend for myself at a young age. By the time I reached adulthood, I was steadfastly independent, making it a point to rarely ask for help.

While independence such as this is generally seen as an admirable trait, some people (including me) are inclined to choose it over everyone and everything, no matter what the situation, even if asking for assistance might be what they really need, and even when resisting the same could produce a negative effect.

Though not a clinical diagnosis per se, Paul J. Donahue, Ph.D., founder and director at Child Development Associates in New York, says that hyper-independence is "understood as a collection of symptoms that include extreme self-reliance, taking on too much responsibility, being uncomfortable asking for help, difficulty trusting and depending on others and trouble forming and maintaining close relationships." It can also present as anxiety and a dislike for "needy" people. All of which I relate to.

Some psychologists designate hyper-independence as a coping mechanism and response that can related to past trauma.

Some families, Donahue explains, possess a predilection toward isolation and relying only on immediate family members for support. My family operated like this, probably partially because we didn't have extended family nearby. My parents, whether consciously or not, taught my brothers and me to rely only on ourselves and each other and to rarely ask outsiders for help.

Some families may take an even more extreme approach to the idea of independence, "encouraging and celebrating it from an early age with the belief that this will make their children more resilient and able to handle challenges on their own," says Donahue.

People often describe me as resilient, something I take pride in.

Donahue says that he, too, relates to some of these tendencies. Like me, he grew up in a caring family where hard work and self-reliance were prized. Also like my family, his father ran his own business, working long hours.

"My brothers and I were expected to handle our academic work, chores and other responsibilities on our own," he says. Again, same.

Donahue's father died from a long illness when he was still in high school which meant that he and his brothers supported their mother, helping to manage her finances as well as assisting in the care of their younger sister. Donahue became financially independent at 18, paying for both college and graduate school on his own.

"This story has long been a source of pride for me (and of tedium, at times, for my children)," he says.

Gradually, in adulthood, he began to recognize he could not go it alone.

"I learned that a key to being resilient and managing life's burdens was to find trusted others to share the load," he says, crediting in part his good fortune in finding a life partner who helped him slow down and who shares the family responsibilities. He also now has professional colleagues with whom to share joys, hardships and advice.

Clare Ramsdell, who manages a solo travel adventure blog called The Detour Effect, has also been fiercely independent since a young age. Knowing she had be her own ticket out of the small, rural town she grew up in, she studied hard and learned to only rely on herself. In her experience, anytime she did seek help, she ended up disappointed.

She allows her family to help her sometimes but says it makes her feel as if she's taking advantage. Non-family offers of help make her uncomfortable because she says she feels as if she owes them even when she probably didn't even want the help they offered in the first place and the favor might even have made things more inconvenient.

"Maybe I should try harder to relax so that others can be involved; maybe I'm too inflexible with how things are done. But with outdoor adventure, things being imperfect can actually mean dangerous outcomes," Ramsdell says.

Stephanie Barnhill Neal, an artist and writer, goes out of her way to avoid asking for help, which can lead to burnout.

"As a child, I felt like a burden and asking for assistance from my parents or other adults was often met with annoyance or anger," she says. As someone late diagnosed with ADHD, Neal says she learned the hard way that asking for clarification could result in unwanted or negative attention.

The thing is, though, as much as we hyper-independent people wish it, or even believe it, no person is [always] an island. Being hyper-independent can make forming close relationships difficult. It can lead to risks to your mental and physical health. It could also elicit that label of "does not play well with others" or "not a team player."  Both, very much me. That's why one of my chosen careers involves sitting at a computer writing by myself.

Children who experience separation from, or death of a parent, at an early age "may have little choice but to learn to be more independent and take on more adult-like responsibilities," explains Donahue. In these instances, people often praise them for their resiliency and strength which reinforces their self-reliance tendency.

Early trauma researchers would often refer to the notion of the "invulnerable child" but rarely followed them into adulthood to see if this led to a greater probability of developing hyper independent symptoms, Donahue explains.

A childhood of neglect or abuse, or one where a child must take on the adult responsibilities in the family at an early age, can also lead to hyper-independence.

Donahue recommends taking small steps. If, like me, you're generally distrustful of others even when you have no clear reason to be and wish to work through this, he suggests relying on a close friend for advice or accepting the guidance of a mentor.

"Romantic relationships that slowly evolve into more caring and loving partnerships can significantly help ease the burden of a fiercely independent person," he says.

In some instances, therapy in which you revisit past traumas (something I have written about) can help. Donahue stresses the importance of both teasing out and celebrating the areas of resilience and competency that have also resulted from early loss or struggle. And, from there, to identify what is worth holding on to.

Neither Donahue, nor most any other psychologist, would suggest that there is not some of that you may want - and need - to hold on to.

It's just as important that we don't over-stigmatize traits that for many people (such as myself) are a source of great pride, he explains. "Parents should still help their children to become more independent and gradually increase the responsibilities they manage."

Like so many things in life, getting the balance right is the tricky part. I think some of us will always lean toward fierce independence, occasionally taking it too far and forgetting that sometimes asking for help or accepting it when offered is okay; actually a good thing.

Elaine Ducharme, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist, says that many people who have experienced a trauma feel as if they should refuse the help of other people. She tries and help them understand that letting somebody help may be giving them a gift; that often people feel good when they help someone else. When you refuse it, you might be denying your would-be helper a positive opportunity.

And, in this world where so many things harbor negativity, a little positivity certainly can't hurt. In fact, it likely can only help.

Vanessa Nirode is a freelance journalist who covers wellness, tv/film culture, outdoor adventure, travel, and cycling for Hearst, HuffPost, PopSci, Vulture, BBC Travel, Threads, and others. She’s also a pattern maker and tailor for film and television, but she’d rather ride her bicycle most of the time. Read More