What My Mother's Alzheimer's Taught Me About Preparing for My Own Aging

My mother's experience with Alzheimer's disease profoundly reshaped how I view aging. Her lack of preparation in various aspects of life financially, emotionally and medically underscored the critical importance of proactive planning. As I watched her decline, I began to see the consequences of a life lived without envisioning a "future self," and aging isn't just something that happens — it's something we must prepare for.

By integrating insights from recent academic research and expert perspectives, I've come to believe that there are several key strategies that can help us age with more resilience, dignity and agency.

One of the most significant lessons I've learned is the importance of maintaining a robust social support network. When my father's health declined, my mother slowly withdrew from her own friendships and community. She became isolated, with profound emotional consequences. When I'd ask how certain friends were doing, she'd say they never called anymore.

Years later, I realized she had simply lost track of phone numbers and contact information as her memory faded. I was never given a copy of her contacts, even though I wanted to let others know when she passed. I couldn't help but wonder how different things might have been, how much comfort she might have found if she'd been surrounded by the friends she could no longer find.

In my own busy life, I have found it more challenging to remember to prioritize friendships before gatherings become calls, calls become texts, and then there are only occasional social media exchanges. Research supports the connection between social connection and cognitive health. An article published by the National Institute on Aging concluded that cognitive health benefits form strong social connections, these connections are not a luxury but serve as a vital health measure.

"Social connection is critical to health and longevity," says Evan Ciarloni, medical adviser at Kinnect. "Loneliness is associated with a greater risk of cardiovascular disease, dementia, stroke, depression, anxiety and premature death. In fact, loneliness poses health risks as deadly as smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day and even greater than those associated with obesity and physical inactivity."

Lakelyn Eichenberger, Ph.D., gerontologist and caregiving advocate at Home Instead, adds, "People underestimate the risk of social isolation as a person gets older. Upon retirement, an individual will lose their daily social interaction with co-workers, as well as social interactions that were part of their work routine (stopping at a coffee shop, a weekly lunch outing and so forth). Additionally, as individuals age, family members and friends may die, which decreases their social networks.

It is important to be intentional about staying connected to those that are important to us and it can also be beneficial to make new friends and new connections throughout one's life, including the later years."

Another key area is financial preparation. My mother lived day to day not from hardship, but from never imagining she'd grow old. There was no retirement plan, no long-term care insurance, no backup. Later in life, she became financially dependent on one of her adult children and ultimately had to rely on a questionable nursing home. Even modest foresight could have given her more options. My mother's financial struggles reminded me how vulnerable many women are and how hard it is to avoid fight-or-flight mode with money.

Evan Farr, an elder law attorney and long-term care planning expert, states, "Most people just don't think about planning for long-term care, and when doing estate planning, don't realize that 70% of people will need long-term care prior to death for an average of about 3 years."

I remember how my mother would hoard change in large water bottles, afraid she would run out of money even though she still had funds in the bank. As her cognitive decline progressed, she no longer trusted or understood her own financial situation. I don't think she imagined she'd ever lose the ability to decide for herself. Financial literacy and retirement planning are essential. I think as a woman who has always been self-reliant and independent, having the courage to prepare for a variety of outcomes can offer both peace of mind and tangible support later in life.

Preventive health care is essential to aging with intention. My mother struggled with Alzheimer's, heart failure and other health issues, many of which could have been managed or prevented with regular care. My mother's experience has encouraged me to be proactive in taking responsibility for my own health, and the importance of being my own advocate even though I am a healthy adult.

Mental health must also be part of the conversation. Until recently, discussing conditions like Alzheimer's or depression in older adults carried stigma and shame. My mother, like many of her generation, resisted acknowledging mental health concerns, and that denial delayed early interventions. Thankfully, this is beginning to shift.

Every year at your doctor's office, Medicare requires a cognitive screen and a depression screen. If you're a caregiver for an older adult, don't be shy when discussing these results with your doctor. Find a doctor you can trust and know that they're equipped to attend to these needs too, just like any physical, Ciarloni says.

There is also value in preserving personal memories and documenting future wishes. While my mother never spoke openly about what she wanted at the end of her life, I often wonder how different things might have been if she had. Before she got sick, I'd sometimes half-jokingly ask about her end-of-life wishes. She always said she wanted a simple burial, but she never wrote those wishes down. In the end, those preferences weren't honored, not because we didn't care, but because no one had the information when we needed it most.

Eichenberger emphasizes the importance of starting these conversations early. "It is important that families start conversations early, before a crisis occurs," she says. "It is also important to keep in mind that this is not one conversation, but likely multiple conversations. You also want to involve the individual who this conversation is about and avoid making decisions for them. Take the time to listen to what is important to the individual and work with them to find solutions. For topics that are uncomfortable, it can be helpful to mention the topic and set a future date to discuss it."

Planning to age in place is a practical, deeply personal decision. Many older adults prefer to stay in their own homes, but this requires thoughtful preparation from home modifications to financial planning to discussions with family members. Losing my childhood home was certainly a loss for my mother as it is for many families.

Perhaps one of the most overlooked aspects of aging is the need to openly acknowledge it. In a society obsessed with youth, many people avoid thinking about their own aging until it's too late. But acknowledging mortality isn't morbid — it can be freeing. It helps us live intentionally and prepare loved ones.

It's also important to normalize open conversations about aging, decline and death. Though often shrouded in fear or denial, addressing these topics leads to better choices and outcomes. Discussing values and health care wishes can spare families the burden of guessing during a crisis.

My proactive decisions about the future are one way I honor my mother. Learning from her experience taught me to approach aging with more independence and dignity. That's something we all want for our future selves.

Leslie Vooris is a writer, filmmaker and advocate for foster youth. Her work focuses on stories that explore identity, resilience, and social issues. You can follow her on Instagram. Read More