When Caregiving and Sibling Rivalries Intersect

Sibling rivalry is "a heated topic because it's such a loaded topic," says Kiana Shelton, a licensed clinical social worker in Houston, Texas. It's not unusual for long-standing family dynamics to emerge, even if they haven't been noticeable for decades.

This is when "many neglected and unresolved past issues with siblings surface," says Avidan Milevsky, a research scientist and psychotherapist who splits his time between Baltimore, Maryland, and Israel. "Feelings like 'Mom loved you more' or 'You always got more than me' can [arise] in harmful ways, hindering open communication."

Psychologists have long emphasized the importance of the mother-child bond in driving development. However, "in more recent years studies have highlighted the importance of many people in our lives as we grow, including siblings," says Milevsky. "We now know how powerful sibling dynamics are in many aspects of our lives."

Birth order and gender routinely come into play once a parent needs caregiving. Research shows that the oldest or a female child takes on most of the responsibility for caregiving, either by choice or default.

According to the latest National Alliance for Caregiving statistics, 61% of caregivers are women, while just 39% of men fulfill that role.

"And that even sounds like an underestimation," says sibling researcher Laurie Kramer, a licensed clinical psychologist and professor of applied psychology at Northeastern University in Boston, Massachusetts.

Ruth E. Thaler-Carter, a 70-year-old freelance writer and editor, doesn't lose her temper easily. But about a year after she began caring for her mother in Rochester, New York — where she lived before moving to St. Louis, Missouri, in 2018 — tensions reached an all-time high between Thaler-Carter and her two younger brothers.

Both brothers — one lives in New Mexico, the other in Israel — had visited simultaneously for a weekend. Their mother, in her mid-80s at the time, made an enormous effort to dine out and talk for hours two days in a row, which meant she nearly collapsed once they'd left.

Given that they'd seen their mother so vibrant and active, the brothers followed up their visit with numerous suggestions for places to go and things to do that they thought Thaler-Carter should consider when spending time with her.

Thaler-Carter sent a sharply worded email in response. "I wrote, 'I'm the one on the ground and know what's going on when it comes to what she can and cannot do. If you want to drop everything, move back to Rochester, and take over, fine. Otherwise, leave me alone to handle things as I see fit,'" she recalls. "Everyone was shocked. I was surprised myself."

Thaler-Carter immediately received apologies from both brothers — and their wives — and there was no lasting damage. She blames cultural expectations for caregivers more than she does for her siblings.

"I got the sense they were trying to be helpful," she says. "They just had no clue."

When money is at the root of sibling squabbles in caregiving, it's important to discuss differences in attitudes and habits around finances and how expenses will be shared, if necessary.

Perhaps the sibling with a significantly higher income pays all or most of the bills, while the sibling with a more flexible schedule takes mom or dad to medical appointments, suggests Shelton.

Sometimes disharmony comes when opinions clash over the style of health care to pursue. One sibling may want to follow the doctor's orders, no questions asked; another may want to explore experimental options instead.

Such conflicts can lead to serious quarrels — even hostile threats.

"When there's not a willingness to agree on the type of care for treatment," says Shelton, "it might cause one of them to say, 'Fine, if you're not going to follow the doctor's regimen, then I'm going to stop providing financial support' or 'It's all on you, then. You're going to be responsible for doing everything from now on.'"

"But these are all surface things," she continues. "There are usually deeper issues here, including fear."

Grown siblings should keep in mind they are mature enough to coordinate efforts to tackle caregiving challenges. "Leave the childhood stuff behind," says Kramer. "You don't need to approach this as 'Who's getting the bigger slice of pie at the end of dinner?' You're now adults." 

Kramer adds, "Look at conflicts and disagreements with adult eyes. Conflicts are essentially problems, and problems have solutions. Finding a solution will be much easier when you work together." That doesn't mean conversations will always be comfortable.

But "leaning into discomfort can be transformative," says Shelton. To do this, she advises taking opportunities to ask for clarification, moving away from assumptions, and understanding each other's bandwidths for showing up as caregivers. 

Shelton adds that when we take these steps, "we find ourselves more regulated and less frustrated, and that can be very helpful in creating peace in a high-stress environment." The important thing is to get to that place of peace sooner rather than later.

Cautions Thaler-Carter: "Too many people don't talk about this until the issue hits. But if you're planning in crisis mode, then you don't feel like you're in control, you can make decisions that backfire, and you might end up being the default caregiver whether you want to or not."

There's a reason there's such a thing as caregiver burnout. Add a lifetime of history with sibling rivalries — whether out in the open or deeply buried — and endless possibilities for further disagreements and resentment. 

Try these tips for navigating caregiving-related challenges with siblings in healthy ways:

• Arrange a time to talk. According to Ruth Thaler-Carter, needed conversations about caregiving can be over email or a potluck dinner, depending on how close (physically and geographically) siblings are. "Or make it the reason for a family reunion," she says.
• Don't be vague. "I just don't want this to fall all on me" is a common but loaded statement that doesn't provide any clarity, says Kiana Shelton. Instead, be clear and direct by talking openly about any fears. Shelton suggests, "I'm afraid of what housing, insurance and the day-to-day will look like if I'm the primary caregiver."
• Appreciate each other. Siblings have different resources, abilities and constraints. "A lot of resentments happen because one sibling feels taken advantage of," says Laurie Kramer. "It's important that everybody feels their contributions are being recognized and valued by others."

Robin L. Flanigan is a national award-winning freelance journalist for magazines and newspapers. In addition to the book “100 Things To Do In Rochester Before You Die,” published by Reedy Press, she is the author of the celebrity-endorsed children’s book "M is for Mindful.” Robin was a beat reporter for eleven years in newsrooms, including Rochester’s Democrat and Chronicle. Her work has been published in People Magazine, AARP, USA Today, and Education Week, and her essays have appeared in The Sun and other literary magazines and anthologies.

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