When Grieving Feels Like a Competition

My husband was just 26 years old when his father Gerry, 58, died of cancer.

It was huge loss to everyone in the family. Even though they knew his illness was terminal it was still hard to fathom that his father was gone at such a young age.

In the days following Gerry's passing, my husband, his two siblings and their mother all grieved together. Under the same roof for over a week they shared tears, laughs and memories and took care of one another alongside the numerous friends and family that came to pay their condolences.

Then it was time for everyone to return to their own homes and begin the difficult task of moving forward after a loss. At first it was difficult for my husband and his siblings, but with time they found relief from their grief by immersing themselves back into their day-to-day lives.

Not so for my mother-in-law. After being married for over 30 years, she was at a loss on how to live her life without her partner.

Grieving became somewhat of an odd "competition" for my mother-in-law. She believed that her loss was greater than her children's and vocalized this thought often. In her immense grief, she only acknowledged the sadness of widowhood, unable to see that her children had lost a father and were grieving too.

While grief should never be seen as a competition in families, the reality is this can happen. 

According to Dr. Gail Saltz, associate professor of psychiatry at New York-Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell School of Medicine and host of the "How Can I Help?" podcast from iHeartRadio, "Grief should never be compared or seen as competition. All relationships are different and there is no set 'this is worse' loss. But when you feel so terrible, it can be hard to realize that others are hurting too, even when those people are your own children."

"Adult children expect that their parents will pre-decease them; it is the natural order that a parent die before a child," explains Saltz.

Although losing a parent is part of the natural order, grieving the loss of a parent is difficult at any age. Dr. Noah Kass, a psychotherapist, says, "Parents provide a foundational sense of stability and support, which can be crucial during life's transitional phases. For example, adult children often turn to their parents for advice on career decisions, relationships, and parenting. The bond with a parent is typically lifelong, rooted in childhood, and losing this connection can feel like losing a part of one's history and identity."

For partners, there is no way of knowing which one will die first and so the impact of losing a partner can be life-altering. "The intimate and deeply personal bond shared with a spouse creates a significant emotional void and intense grief," explains Kass. "Simple daily activities like eating dinner or watching a movie can become painful reminders of their absence."

In addition to day-to-day struggles, losing a partner means losing a chance to live the future you once planned together. The surviving partner may not just be sad but feel overwhelmed, lonely and scared about the prospect of being alone.

Growing up, children rely on their parents to offer comfort and support when they have a problem. In many families, this dynamic continues well into adulthood where children still often see their parents in the role of caretaker.

But when a parent loses their partner, it can feel like a burden to console someone else. "A grieving parent may be so overwhelmed by their own pain that they are unable to see that their child is suffering too and unable to take on their usual maternal/paternal role," says Saltz.

In many ways, when my husband's father died, he lost part of his mother too. He was only 26 years old. He looked to his mother for the comfort she had always given him but she was no longer there. Kass explains, "The surviving parent may be dealing with feelings of loneliness, identity loss, possible guilt or regret, making it harder to be the supportive figure that the adult child needs."

While painful, the loss of parent may not impact an adult child's daily life. Saltz says, "Adult children are supposed to live independent lives separate from their parents. When they return to their life after losing a parent and seem to be doing okay, no one is surprised and there is no judgement on how they are grieving."

But for partners, there is more scrutiny when it comes to grief. "Grief judgment tends to occur more with losing a partner compared to losing a parent due to societal expectations and the public nature of spousal relationships," explains Kass. "If someone appears to cope 'too well,' (engaging in social activities or dating), they may face criticism suggesting they did not mourn sufficiently, implying a lack of love or attachment. Conversely, if a person shows signs of not moving on for a long time, they might be viewed as lacking resilience."

Adult children may also find themselves judging how their surviving parent is grieving. They may want their parent to "move on" so that they don't have to see them sad, worry about them or feel guilty. In turn, a surviving parent may feel abandoned by both the partner they lost and their adult children.

After losing a parent, an adult child may find relief in returning to everyday activities such as going to work, spending time with their partner, children or friends. But any progress they make in processing their grief can be stifled when they reach out to their surviving parent who is suffering.

Saltz says, "When you are feeling okay, you may not want to be pulled into the vortex of someone else's pain, so you wind up avoiding that person as a way of self-preservation."

That is what happened to my husband. Phone calls and visits with his mother focused primarily on only her loss and her overwhelming loneliness. Their interactions left him emotionally depleted. Although he wanted to be supportive, he found himself withdrawing.

While both parent and child are grieving the same person, it is from different relational standpoints. "Inadvertently a surviving parent might project their way of grieving onto the child or struggle to acknowledge the adult child's grief as equally significant," explains Kass.

Finding a way to openly communicate, acknowledge everyone's loss and respect different grieving processes can be a challenge. For some families, it may be helpful to bring in a third party to assist such as a grief counselor. 

"The key to grieving together involves sharing feelings and experiences openly without judgment," says Kass. "Each person's grieving process is valid and unique, and maintaining consistent communication and support can provide mutual comfort and connection during the grieving process, helping each member to feel less isolated in their grief."

Adds Saltz, "There should be space allowed to say, 'I can't listen to this right now as it is making me feel worse and maybe we can talk about something else for a little while.'"

While it may take time, and patience, it is worth the effort. As Kass says, "The shared experience of loss can strengthen family bonds and improve resilience, promoting healthy grieving processes and reducing the risk of prolonged or complicated grief."

Randi Mazzella is a freelance writer specializing in a wide range of topics from parenting to pop culture to life after 50. She is a mother of three grown children and lives in New Jersey with her husband.  Read more of her work on randimazzella.com. Read More