Who, Me, a Complainer?
After being kicked out of a writing workshop, I examined the elements of complaining to find out where I'd gone wrong
Recently I got kicked out of a yearlong writing workshop. When I asked why, the director explained: "Your need to complain about almost everything."
What?! This sent me into a mindspin. Most days I wake up feeling happy for no particular reason and stay content as my daily routine unfolds. In that workshop I'd enjoyed the challenge of writing assignments that went against the grain of my habits and I'd made several procedural requests that felt innocuous to me. How could I obliviously have come across as a Negative Nellie, so unbearable as to deserve a money-back expulsion?
For older people, age-related stereotypes make it all the more important to avoid getting tagged as a complainer. Unpleasant, draining characters include the grumpy grouch; the fussbudget who finds fault with everyone; the bellyacher who disparages whatever is new and different; the sourpuss endlessly moaning about aching hips; and apparently me, tossing dark opinions right and left.
"Could you please give some examples for this week's assignment?" I wrote — a neutral ask. But I also said, "The instructions seem kind of vague."
My friend Szifra Birke, a therapist more attuned to interpersonal dynamics than I, notes that there's often a gap between intentions and reception in communication.
"On the one hand, we focus on our own thoughts and feelings, so we miss cues like our requests being heard as criticism," she explains. "On the other side, insecurity runs rampant in most of us when it comes to how we're perceived professionally. Someone can easily interpret as negative what wasn't meant that way. To the brain, negativity triggers a much more intense response than positivity does. Neuroscientists tell us that compliments are like Teflon, but criticisms are like Velcro."
Indeed, just before I received that shocking email from the program director, I had added a critical reason to a reasonable request. "Could you please give some examples for this week's assignment?" I wrote — a neutral ask. But I also said, "The instructions seem kind of vague." And alas, I'd done the same when I asked to be switched to a different mutual feedback group. The program's ground rules explicitly invited such a change, but again I included a reason that could well have been interpreted as griping.
Though I'd felt compelled to give the reason for my requests, research by social psychologist Ellen Langer back in 1978 suggests that a persuasive reason isn't really necessary. Langer studied the responses when someone asked to cut to the front of the line of people waiting to use a library photocopy machine.
A ridiculously lame "because" such as "May I use the Xerox machine, because I have to make copies?" prompted as many people to say "Sure, go ahead" as a more relevant reason, like "because I'm in a hurry." I could have asked, "Could you please give some examples for this week's assignment? Because examples would really help me."
My Unsolicited Commentary
Executive coach Laurie Schloff, a two-time coauthor with me, offers a story that brings up two other factors that may have figured in the director's annoyance at me. Schloff got her back up when an intern at her company kept giving unsolicited feedback on her style of speaking. "It wasn't so much what she said, but the status difference between us that made me feel 'Who the heck does she think she is?' And I hadn't asked for her thoughts, but if I had, I would have been more willing to listen."
In my case, the program director might have taken my multiple requests as uppity and my unsolicited commentary as obnoxious.
How to prevent becoming a Cathy Complainer or Dave Downer to friends or acquaintances? Both Birke and Schloff have some tips.
"Think in terms of problem solving rather than venting. And monitor how many negative comments, criticisms or complaints you make relative to positive messages."
"You need to adjust your communication, so you get back what you really want or need," Birke advises. "A short-term version of what you might want comes from the less mature part of you. For example, you wish the other person would agree that you're right. Or you want attention. Then ask yourself, 'What's in my long-term best interest?' and go with that. Maybe you actually don't need your concerns to be heard just then because what you really want is a good education or a smooth relationship. Stand in the shoes of the person you were about to complain to and tune into your desire to have them help you."
Schloff suggests formally asking for permission to give any feedback. "Ninety-nine percent of the time people then ask you to go ahead, which opens them up instead of triggering their defenses," she says. "Think in terms of problem solving rather than venting. And monitor how many negative comments, criticisms or complaints you make relative to positive messages."
She cites John Gottman's research on marriage outcomes: Whereas constant negativity highly predicted a couple's divorce, couples who happily stayed together registered five times as many positive interactions as negative ones. Would five to one be a good rule in general for communication? I wondered. "Absolutely!" Schloff replied.
Although I got banished from an educational program I on the whole liked, I learned a lot from this examination of the elements of complaining. Next time, I'll lay praise on thick before asking for conditions more to my liking, with no disparaging reasons tacked on. I'll try not to make too many requests. And I'll give odds of five to one that that's the end of my short, sorry reputation as a complainer.
