Why So Many Successful People Feel Dissatisfied

There are many people like Barry Blechman, 81, the founder of the Stimson Center, a foreign affairs research institute, who worked in the Carter administration as assistant director of U.S. Arms Control and Disarmament Agency — but still doesn't feel successful. He was raised by parents not to celebrate his achievements for fear he will jinx his success and those feelings haven't left him, he told the New York Times in an interview in December 2024.

Many people who have accomplished a considerable amount in their life fail to acknowledge their own success, which leaves them feeling empty. However, overcoming that feeling of inadequacy can be achieved, even in later life, experts say.

Regarding one's own feeling of being successful, "there's a discrepancy between expectations and reality," explains Sara J. Margolin, an associate professor of Psychology, Philosophy and Neuroscience at SUNY-Brockport, who wrote the textbook Psychology of Aging: A Concise Exploration. "When their expectations of what they could achieve and should achieve don't match what actually happens, there's disappointment."

Many people compare themselves to people whose accomplishments are off the charts. So if they haven't become billionaires, earned a Nobel Prize or joined the elite class, they feel under-achieved and consider what they've attained so-so or mediocre, despite what might be considered huge success to others.

Many successful people who climb corporate ladders as executives or attorneys, among many professions, are surrounded by people who have achieved more than they have, which creates a discrepancy, explains David M. Almeida, a lifespan developmental psychologist at Pennsylvania State University and director of its Workplace Practices and Daily Family Well-Being Project. 

Some of them feel they're relentlessly striving to achieve and feel "the pursuit rather than the feeling of success," he says. It's as if they're on a never-ending cycle, can't ever stop and acknowledge their own success.

These accomplished but dissatisfied people are often raised by parents with the message, "You could always do more and nothing is good enough," Margolin says. For example, if a student brings home a 96 in geometry on a report card and dad's reply is "Why didn't you get 100?" it makes whatever his son or daughter achieved feel inadequate. The young person never feels good enough and is always "chasing perfection," she adds.

People who are successful but don't recognize their own accomplishments and don't see the effects of their actions on the next generation feel as if they're letting themselves down, Almeida notes. He says these ideas stem from psychologist Erik Erikson, who wrote about people's identity crisis and how their own legacy contributes to the next generation and their own satisfaction. Not accepting their success leads to feelings of "regret and distress and feeling my life hasn't had enough meaning," he says.

According to Almeida, these feelings of self-worth and feeling one's own value stem from values that parents instill in their children. "If you don't have this early on, it's difficult to get later in life," he observes.

But whether you're 50 years old or 60 or older, it's not too late to "shift your perspective," Margolin says. You can "rewire" and reframe your own thoughts and adjust them to your own reality and sense of purpose. People can change from "what your parents expected of you, to what the person wants and expects of himself" through their own self-introspection, she says.

That process isn't easy and doesn't happen overnight. To take a step back and readjust, Margolin recommends making a list of your own accomplishments, one by one, and then looking at them holistically. 

Margolin also recommends soliciting another person's viewpoint on your success, like a spouse or best friend, since taking in their view could help change perspective. Ask yourself, if a friend had achieved all of these goals, what would you likely say; for example, "these are very impressive accomplishments."

She also recommends creating "affirmations about those accomplishments." Her list, for example, might include the following; she wrote a book, has been a successful writer, a venerated professor. 

"Repeating it often, especially when self-doubt about one's skills seeps in, can help rewire a new pathway," she suggests. Over time, we become more comfortable with the new self-perception of admitting successes and eliminating the former roadblocks that held us back.

Almeida also points out that success doesn't always stem from a corporate title or individual accomplishments but can also derive from smaller activities. The person who wants to run a 5K race, sets that goal, trains for it, and indeed finishes the race can also be considered a success. As people age, they often handle their own stressors better than they did at age 20 or 30, and then can start accomplishing things that were more difficult to achieve when they were younger, like running that 5K race.

In America, where capitalism often rules, success is frequently defined by dollar signs, which don't necessarily have to be the measuring stick. Ask yourself what you've accomplished in ways beyond financial measures, such as being married to a spouse, raising children, being considered an expert at work, having a coterie of friends — none of those signs are about dollars and cents, but are often immeasurable. "Money is good and makes life easier, but you can be successful without a hefty bank account," Margolin points out.

Feeling one's own success rarely derives from what other people are saying about you, Almeida notes.  "It has to be internal and that makes it tough. It's easy for other people to say you're good, but hard to feel successful on your own," he adds.

Almedia recommends that feeling successful, even in later life, derives from people recognizing what challenges they're had to overcome and identifying how they've vaulted those obstacles. First, people have to define what success means to them, and then accept that they've accomplished it — that involves relinquishing humility, which holds many people back from accepting their own deeds. No one wants to show overweening pride, but showing some pride is part of feeling one's own success.

Having a sense of purpose and feeling that pursuit helps extend someone's life and helps avoid depression or anxiety. "People with a low sense of purpose die sooner, face more chronic health conditions," he says. But once you feel your own success and sense of purpose, it empowers you and makes you feel better about yourself.

Almedia adds that feeling success can stem from small pieces of accomplishments. Fixing one's computer, figuring out Zoom, or finishing a book can yield self-satisfaction, just like earning a research grant can for a professor.

The keys to feeling good about your accomplishments revolve around "deciding on how you define success and working to align your life and accomplishments with that definition," Margolin notes. The result of changing one's self-perception "helps people feel more satisfied and helps you realize that all the time you're spent in this life is worth something and you've made valuable contributions," she says.

These alterations often come in mid-life, but can also take root at any age. Sometimes someone in later life can realize that a 96 in geometry was a very impressive grade, despite dad's hoping for a perfect 100.