You're Not in Control. Maybe That's a Good Thing.
Because it's hard (and sometimes downright impossible) to make other people do what we want them to do. But should we really be trying?
A few years ago, my mother-in-law, who I'll call Millie, became frustrated with her sister, whom I'll call Sissy. Millie thought Sissy wasn't making good decisions about her health, her grown daughter and her finances, and spent hours on the phone trying to convince her to make what she believed were better choices. Frustrated that she was getting nowhere, Millie complained endlessly to her son, my husband Daryl.

"Mom," Daryl would say, "You have to stop trying to control what Sissy is doing. It's making you stressed and you're not changing anything!" Each time his mother brought up Sissy's failings, Daryl begged her to stop trying to control her sister until one day, it dawned on him that in trying to convince his mother to stop trying to control her sister, he was trying to control his mother.
If only they'd listen to us, we think, they'd be so much better off! And here's the thing: we might be right.
I thought about this recently, when I was trying to stop my older brother from trying to stop our older sister from taking a trip on Election Day.
"He won't listen to me," I complained to my husband repeatedly over the course of several days.
"You have to back off," Daryl told me, also repeatedly. "Don't get involved."
Back and forth we went, until I finally realized my husband was trying to stop me from trying to stop my brother from trying to stop my sister.
I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream for Control
We've all been guilty of believing we know what's best for someone else. If only they'd listen to us, we think, they'd be so much better off! And here's the thing: we might be right. But when our repeated efforts to "set someone straight" fail, and we find ourselves stressed out by "their refusal to listen," it's time to take a closer look at ourselves. Because the fact is, WE are stressing ourselves out by trying to control their behavior.
Why do we do this, when it's not our business, or our job? Why does it usually fail, and how can we courageously and gracefully take a step back, even if it means possibly watching the other person stumble? And how can we either respond to — or disengage with — someone else's attempts to influence or control our actions?
People Are Naturally Creative and Resourceful
In my training to become a certified professional life coach, I learned that successful coaching involves recognizing that people are "naturally creative, resourceful and whole." This meant understanding that the people who came to coaching weren't there for my lived wisdom or advice, nor was it my job to steer them in the "right" direction. They, not I, were the expert on their life, and they, not I, had the answers to their dilemmas. My job was simply to ask the questions that would help them access the wisdom, resourcefulness and creative problem-solving abilities they already possessed.
Attempting to exert control over someone else's life and decisions, when we haven't been asked, undermines them, and can, over time, make them feel helpless and depressed.
People who are not in our lives for coaching deserve the same respect. Of course, it's arguably harder not to grab the reins when someone we love is struggling for answers or appears to be making misguided decisions.
Control Is a Biological Need
Research with humans and animals has repeatedly shown that the perception of control — i.e. the belief that we are able to influence outcomes — is not only important for our well-being, but a biological and psychological necessity, important to our evolutionary survival.
Imagine the reverse: If we believed we could not affect outcomes, why would we step out of the path of an oncoming car, try to put out a fire, eat a healthy diet? Exerting control over our lives and our decisions isn't a bad thing. Attempting to exert control over someone else's life and decisions, when we haven't been asked, undermines them, and can, over time, make them feel helpless and depressed.
Oh, The Ways We Control!
There are many ways we attempt to control the behavior of others. Some of our efforts might be so subtle as to almost escape detection (even by ourselves!) while at their extreme, attempts to control may take the form of bullying or abuse. Only when we understand why we do it can we create healthier interactions, remove ourselves from the mix, and allow others to be and do as they wish —which might just decrease our own stress. Because it's hard (and sometimes downright impossible) to make other people do what we want them to do.
When someone begins a sentence with, "You know what you should do?" I almost always tune them out.
Here's a look at some of the most common ways we try to influence others:
Micromanaging: When we attempt to manage or influence someone's every action, right down to the smallest unit of decision, we are micromanaging.
"Micromanaging suggests a lack of trust," says Brittany Cilento Kopycienski, a Licensed Professional Counselor at Glow Counseling Solutions. "When we micromanage, we assume an invasive amount of control and are way too involved in other people's decisions, which hinders their autonomy."
Making comparisons: When we say to someone, "Why can't you be more like your sister /nephew/coworker?" or point out the way someone else did something that we think is superior, we are being dismissive of the achievements, successes and feelings of the person we are talking to. And, says Kopycienski, when we can only see one way to do something, it suggests a lack of vision on our part. "It's a reflection of us being cognitively rigid and stuck in one absolute truth, which ends up isolating our loved ones."
Offering unsolicited advice: When someone begins a sentence with, "You know what you should do?" I almost always tune them out. Because yes, I almost always do know what I should do, and if I'm not doing it, I probably have my reasons.
"With unsolicited advice, we end up imposing our truth as the collective truth, which can create a sense of dependency within a relationship," says Kopycienski. "We come off as judgmental and disrespectful of others' independence. In a healthy relationship, all parties need to feel valued, respected and heard."
Gaslighting: Gaslighting is "a type of psychological abuse aimed at making victims seem or feel 'crazy,' [which creates] a surreal interpersonal environment," writes Paige Sweet, in The Sociology of Gaslighting. It's a devastating form of psychological abuse that aims to destroy another's personal agency, and it should never be ignored. People who suspect they are victims of gaslighting should seek the advice of a mental health clinician or the National Domestic Violence Hotline immediately.
Threats (subtle or overt): Attempts to isolate or intimidate, and any other form of emotional or physical abuse are attempts to control another person. Always seek the advice of a therapist if you are being abused in any way. "Therapists …have the skill set to develop individualized safety plans to help people navigate these difficult situations," says Kopycienski.
It's Not You, It's Me
How many times have you heard people say, "It's not you, it's me." Turns out, they're telling the truth.
"So often we are projecting our unresolved, unfinished business, including our fears, insecurities, past traumas and negative beliefs about ourselves onto others," says Kopycienski. It is from this emotional place that we try to get others to do our bidding. When we can manipulate people into acting as we think they should, it allows us to confirm what we believe about ourselves, the world and other people.
For example, if I incessantly declare that I don't know how to (for example) pay the household bills, my partner is likely to step in and do it, which reinforces my belief that 1) I'm helpless and incapable and 2) my partner is controlling and smarter than I am. In this scenario, I'm probably acting out my core beliefs about myself, and unwittingly ensnaring my partner to confirm what I have always believed, so that I don't have to challenge myself, my assumptions or my view of my partner.
"The majority of the time, how we treat others has way more to do with us and a lot less to do with 'them.'"
"The majority of the time, how we treat others has way more to do with us and a lot less to do with 'them'," says Kopycienski. Often our own anxiety is the culprit: When we can't manage our anxiety, we press other people to do things in a way that will make us feel better.
But it's not other people's job to mollify our fears or to boost our self-esteem by letting us boss them around. And even if anxiety is not at issue — even when we truly only have another person's best interests in mind, and even when we really do know what would be best — it's still not OK to force our viewpoint on them. "Can I give you my opinion?" is a great question to ask. If they say no, honor that. If they say yes, give your opinion, but then let them decide whether to take it.
This doesn't mean we allow people to walk all over us. We still get to make requests and set our own boundaries. The idea is to allow people to do and be as they please, while being clear about how they can expect us to respond. For example, "You can continue to be late to our dinners out, but I am only going to wait ten minutes before I leave."
The Bottom Line
The exercising of control is a right, a privilege, and, it turns out, an evolutionary necessity. But it's not our right to exercise control over other adults. Offering unsolicited advice, suggesting "better" ways to do things, pointing out the effectiveness of others' choices, and all forms of attempted coercion, from subtle suggestion to outright threats, are attempts to manipulate for reasons that almost always serve ourselves, rather than the other person.
The bottom line? You do you. And allow others the same liberty.

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