Navigating Midlife with Young Children

Leora Heckelman had struggled to conceive her two daughters in her early forties, so when she unexpectedly became pregnant again, it didn't take her long to embrace the idea of a third child. Delivering a son days before turning 46, Heckelman, a therapist, had no qualms about cutting back her work schedule and immersing herself in parenthood, something many of her younger friends having babies were quite conflicted about.

"I had already achieved in my career what I had hoped to," recalls Heckleman, now 66 and the director of psychology, training, and education for Mt. Sinai Health System in New York City. "I had no interest in advancing. It was okay to take a pause."

Her zen attitude carried over into her interactions with her children, and she noticed that she often seemed less frustrated with them than her younger peers were with theirs. "Because they were the best thing that ever happened to me, I think I had a deeper appreciation," she said.

Having welcomed his first three children in his thirties, Peter Sagal felt especially prepared when a second marriage brought two more little ones. Now 58 and parenting a toddler and a newborn, Sagal, who is the host of National Public Radio's popular "Wait Wait … Don't Tell Me!" program and a published author, is sanguine about the challenges.

"[I've] done it before, and for the most part that's really an advantage," he reflected. "There are certain things that I learned the first time around." Among them? Children will sometimes be bored, bonk their heads on furniture, and not sleep consistently, none of which worries him unnecessarily.

This seasoned perspective and tendency to not sweat the small stuff is fairly typical of older parents — especially if the quest to become a parent has been long and arduous, as is often the case for people in midlife.

Individuals who have tried to conceive for years, who have utilized assisted reproductive technology, or have pursued adoption typically are very intentional in their parenting, according to Dr. Irena Milentijevic, a Houston-based psychologist who works with older parents.

"They're hands on, they're motivated, and they're very involved," she said. "These kids are very wanted, and I think later on kids can feel that."

This care and attention also can go both ways, as Heckelman discovered. Because of her age, she feels her young adult children watch her more closely than they otherwise might.

"They're very protective of us in a way their friends don't seem to be of their parents who are younger," Heckleman said, describing an instance in which her daughter made sure she got down a flight of stairs safely.

Her son, who is still in college, has expressed a desire to earn a good salary in order to ensure his parents' well-being as they age.

She sometimes wonders whether her daughters' determination to have children on the younger side is a reaction to their having been born to older parents. While she acknowledges that becoming a mom in midlife means she has to keep working into what many people would consider their golden years, she loves her job and has no regrets.

Her only potential source of sorrow? Possibly not getting to enjoy her future grandchildren for as long as her own nonagenarian mother has enjoyed hers.

"I think I'm going to know my grandchildren for many fewer years," she said.

While older parents may bring a wealth of wisdom and experience to the job, they also have a few thorny issues to ponder. For one, the sheer physicality involved in parenting babies and toddlers must be balanced against the fact that energy levels may not be what they were in young adulthood.

Sagal said his years of distance running have been good preparation for his current life. While he used to train for marathons, in reality "I was training for being an elderly parent, because if I hadn't kept up my cardiovascular health I'd be in deep trouble right now," he noted.

The lack of sleep hits him harder now than it did a couple of decades ago. Socializing, too, is different, as most of Sagal's peers are empty nesters and can vacation and dine out with abandon.

Money can be a big stumbling block: As Heckelman knows well, many parents in the upper age bracket have to consider how having children will impact their plans to leave the workforce.

While older first-time parents typically are more financially secure than younger ones and have cash for future expenses such as braces and summer camp, the big struggle is saving for college and retirement simultaneously, according to David Frisch, the principal and founder of Frisch Financial in Melville, New York. 

"You can finance education; you cannot finance retirement," Frisch stressed, referring to the availability of college loans. "This is an important conversation parents need to have with each other as well as their child."

Aside from figuring out how long retirement may need to be delayed, it's also critical to update wills, life insurance policies, and related documents, he said, especially if a parent has older children in addition to younger ones. 

No matter how taxing it may seem to parent little ones at an age when some people are becoming grandparents, Sagal wouldn't do a thing differently. "Young kids are alternately exhausting and incredibly exciting," he acknowledged. "Despite everything, it's a wonderful experience."