'I See You': Parenting a Transgender Child

When Zach Apony came out as transgender, it took three conversations over several months before their parents fully understood the change. By the third frustrating conversation about pronouns and other issues, Apony says, "I realized we were at a make-or-break moment, and that I might need to disavow my family over this."

For the family of any gender nonconforming person, that first conversation is often fraught with complex emotions. Parents may feel confused, frightened or sad. Some refuse to accept the new information. But whatever their first reaction, parental support — or lack of it — can literally mean the difference between life and death.

Jenna Redmond directs family and educational programming at Gender Spectrum, a nonprofit offering online support and education for transgender people and their loved ones. "Initial reactions of fear and confusion are common, and often revolve around parents' concerns about their child's future," Redmond says. Surgery, hormones, whether their child will have children of their own — it's a lot to digest. "Some parents feel some resistance, wondering if they are overreacting to 'a phase' their child is going through."

Doug Pell, a divorced father of two in Norwalk, Connecticut, admits he struggled when his younger child came out as gender neutral at age 18. "Looking back, I recognize the stages of grief," he says. "In some ways it felt as if the person I thought of as my child no longer existed."

Susan Thronson is chair of the National Board of Directors of PFLAG, which supports, educates and advocates on behalf transgender, gay and lesbian people and their families. Thronson's trans child came out 15 years ago, giving her the benefit of longer experience than many parents. "There's a threshold you cross when you realize you've raised a child in one identity and now that child reveals their new identity," Thronson says.

Vicki Bloom, of Dobbs Ferry, New York, and her late spouse Bard, who was nonbinary, raised their only child in what she describes as "a queer household." Though she wasn't surprised when her offspring showed signs of gender fluidity in grade school, Bloom never expected them to choose a new name. "We gave it a lot of careful thought, intentionally choosing a gender-neutral name," she says. "It's not easy when your child says, 'no thank you' to that gift."

About the transition, Bloom says, "I don't feel sad. I didn't lose a kid. They're clearly the same person. But I also have experiences from my kid's babyhood that are still coded with an out-of-date name and gender." She says she keeps those thoughts private, using her child's current name and pronouns while honoring her own memories.

The name given to a child at birth can be a hot-button issue. Sometimes referred to as a "dead name," the phrase has overtones of anger — and with good reason. It's considered thoughtless, even hostile, to insist on calling a trans person by their dead name instead of the one they selected to match their true identity.

Joanne Vallee Brunelle and her husband Gary, of Granville, Massachusetts, have raised their grandchild since infancy. Brunelle became aware of the child's gender nonconformity in middle school. But when the teen took on the name, clothing and characteristics of a boy, "I was afraid for him," she says. "People are cruel, and you want to protect your kid."

The U.S. Transgender Survey of 2015, conducted by the National Center for Transgender Equality, reports disturbing patterns of discrimination and mistreatment toward transgender people. Among elementary school children, more than half of those studied had experienced verbal harassment, while nearly a third were physically attacked or sexually assaulted.

Even within the family, a transgender child can be subjected to ridicule, excluded from family activities, denied access to friends, or forced to conform to the gender assigned at birth. Such attitudes and mistreatment can lead to gender dysphoria, mental illness and thoughts of self-harm.

For Zinnia Gleeson (not her real name), whose young adult stepchild came out as a trans woman, the anguish is still fresh. Not everyone in the family is supportive, and Gleeson has had no contact for more than five years. During our conversation she used the pronouns her stepchild was assigned at birth. "There's a fracture in our family. Our daughters are angry that he won't speak to them or come to see us," she says. "We feel we've lost him forever, and we just want him back."

According to Gender Spectrum, transgender teens who experience family support are 93% less likely to attempt suicide than teens in conflict with their families. Support includes respecting the trans child's choices in clothing, hair style, friends, playthings and pronouns. It also means not allowing others to make negative or disrespectful comments, even in private. Says PFLAG's Thronson, "Studies show that if just one parent or trusted adult stands with a trans child, trying to understand them on a deep level, it can change the trajectory of that child's life. It takes just one person to say, I see you."

Even the most enlightened and well-meaning parents may react to their trans child's announcement in ways they later regret. Redmond claims to have seen parents come down hard on themselves for their initial reaction or subsequent slip-ups. In Brunelle's family, they have a simple rule: "If you misgender, say sorry and move on," she says. "There's no need to make a big deal out of it."

In the early weeks and months after a trans person comes out, the family's best course is honest communication, an open heart, and admitting you don't know everything. Learning more about transitioning also helps ease fears and can improve the relationship between parent and child. "At first, I thought changing gender just meant going from point A to point B. I had a lot to learn," says Pell. He joined PFLAG, began reading everything about gender he could lay his hands on, and spoke often with a trans neighbor for support.

But for parents at any stage, integrating new information and finding peace within themselves and in their relationship with their transgender child takes persistence, vigilance and self-care. It's easier when following these simple guidelines:

1. Feel the feelings. Suppressing them will only lead to overwhelm and isolation.

2. Process your feelings with someone who understands — not the child.

3. You don't have to wait until you have it all figured out. Every step you take in support of your child is a step in the right direction.

"Ask yourself what you can do for your child right now, and what you need more time to process," Redmond says. "You can always say something like, 'I hear you, and I know that was hard. Thank you for trusting me.'"

Pell worried when his trans child made the difficult decision to separate from her old friends to make a new start. "Now she has a community of new friends. That's been a great comfort to me," he says.

Apony says they are now in "a very good place" with both their parents: "My dad and I have a game where he hands me a dollar every time he misgenders me, and my mom is now an advocate for trans people in her workplace."

Says Thronson, "Parenting a trans child offers the opportunity to change your perceptions of who they are. For me, fifteen years on, I can see I was raising a son the whole time."

Donna Moriarty Donna Moriarty writes about education, wellness, and personal development. Her essays have appeared in the New York Times, @The_Keepthings (on Instagram), and The Age of Empathy (a Medium publication). She is the author of Not Just Words: How a Good Apology Makes You Braver, Bolder, and Better at Life, and is currently working on a memoir.
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