Talking to Aging Parents About Medical Alert Systems

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Difficult discussions about setting and enforcing boundaries can be some of the most important conversations in parent-child relationships. They are necessary and often driven by care, concern and love, but they can also become entangled with heightened emotions, complex power dynamics and intricate histories. During the early formative years, these discussions flow in one direction only — from parent to child — establishing a pattern that lasts for decades.

But as our parents age and we assume more responsibility for coordinating our parents' safety and healthy aging, more and more decisions may require hard conversations. When is it time to stop driving? Is it safe to live alone? Should they consider help around the house part-time? Would a medical alert system be appropriate and extend the time they can stay in their house independently?

Collaborative, constructive discussions to address such issues with aging parents may fill adult children with dread.

This conversation can be extra daunting for people with children still living at home. Welcome to the sandwich generation and the beginning of what feels like a role-reversal — where you and your parents gradually (often imperceptibly) exchange your original life roles as caretaker and caregiver. A caregiving transition is inevitable for those with older parents, and the first such discussion with them is a rite of passage that can raise a great deal of resistance on both sides.

Talking to older family members about ways they can proactively safeguard health and independence later in life can be intimidating. As older loved ones approach their later years, aging (and its associated likelihood of health challenges) can create real threats, obstacles, challenges and risks for older adults living alone. And when children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews express concern or worry, their loved ones may brush off concerns or minimize them.

This can make for frustrating conversation that leads to anger, hurt feelings and decreased mutual trust, rather than a safer outcome.

To help set the right tone and to facilitate a constructive discussion of safety concerns with aging parents, here are a few considerations.

Ironically and counterintuitively, the wrong time to raise a medical alert system, in general, is during the emotionally heightened, immediate aftermath of a frightening incident that may have brought about awareness of the need for one.

Our most primitive brain structure — the amygdala — controls our response to immediate threats. You've probably heard of fight-or-flight. When people are afraid of or threatened by anything (a near-miss in the car, a missing child at the mall or an older relative's fall/near-fall), we are flooded by the brain's amygdala with stress hormones that tell us "fight this or run away, now!" This is why we tend to yell at people we care about when we are frightened (and then regret it later.)

So, if a medical alert system is discussed too soon after a scary near-miss, the fight-or-flight response can create a fight — naturally. And this kneejerk reaction may be difficult — even impossible — to overcome later.

Choose a time to start the talk when everybody is calm, relaxed, relieved and happy to be together, and keep the discussion centered around those feelings.

If your parent raises objections, listen to them fully. Let them get their thoughts all out before trying to talk them out of their objections. Don't leap in to answer immediately. What is she really saying? Brush up on your active listening skills ahead of time. Rephrase objections in words that your loved one agrees with. Make sure you understand their perspective completely before you try to continue the discussion. This is a two-way conversation; make sure you're hearing what everybody is really saying, beneath the surface.

Keeping the conversation focused on your own concerns, worries, and emotions can help your parent focus on you. This allows them to be in their traditional role — focused on taking care of your feelings again, presumably as they did for decades.

And now you can talk to them from a familiar perspective: their child is afraid about their fears, and they can help.

This discussion may require a methodical review of options, including their pros and cons. Take it at the speed required to review these benefits and limitations.

Landlines are always connected, even during natural disasters, for example, but if a person has fallen and cannot reach a landline to call somebody, it will not help.

Cell phones are not always with a person, so cannot be relied upon as an emergency response solution.

Landline-based PERS systems are limited to in-home use.

Cellular-based systems travel with you. They offer the most flexibility and a wide array of features. One potential limitation of these systems is their cellular network; in some places on smaller networks, they may experience limited signal and connectivity.

Voice-activated systems such as smart home assistants allow older adults to simply call out for help with no need to carry around a mobile device; however, voice proximity to the system is necessary. Involving parents who will be wearing/using the medical alarm systems in the process of selecting the system may also help to ensure they will regularly wear the solution.

By Lively from Best Buy Health

Lively from Best Buy Health aims to enrich and save lives through technology and meaningful connections. Together we are focused on enabling care at home by providing consumer health products that help customers live healthier lives, device-based emergency response services for the active aging population and virtual care offerings that help connect patients and physicians. Today, over a million people are using Best Buy Health technology to stay connected, safe and healthy. For additional information, we encourage you to visit us at lively.com and connect with us on Facebook and Instagram @LivelySocial