Women who are age 40 and up often feel like they're not being heard. Award-winning actress Jane Seymour is on a mission to change all that.
"In both my television and film roles and in real life, I've always tried to push back against the typical notions of aging and feeling unseen. Being older shouldn't mean you are no longer valuable or relevant," Seymour, 73, says in a statement announcing her new campaign, Speak Up In BE (BE stands for bronchiectasis, a disease that causes permanent widening of the airways which can make it difficult to clear mucus and bacteria), with Insmed Incorporated.
Jane SeymourIf you haven't heard of "Unseenism," Insmed states it's "enduring gender and age biases in the health care setting [that] can leave some patients feeling overlooked, unheard or ignored."
"I think in real life, it doesn't matter whether you're famous or not. I find that if I have somebody coming to fix something, if they see a man in the room, they won't even talk to me."
In a national survey conducted by Insmed, Unseenism is usually evident with women, as 62% of them said they feel more overlooked as they age, and 58% said they didn't speak up with their physicians because their health concerns were previously ignored.
Seymour, who has starred in several movies including "Somewhere in Time" and "Wedding Crashers" and the long-running television series "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman," took the time to speak with Next Avenue about Unseenism and how women can overcome it. What follows is our interview, edited for length and clarity.
Next Avenue: The average woman thinks that someone who is famous doesn't deal with gender/age biases. What are some of the experiences that illustrate the biases you have had against you because of your gender or your age?
Jane Seymour: Well, I mean, the obvious ones are you're too old for this role.
Or the fact that there comes a point usually after 40, where most actresses, even if they've had a career, are just not heard anymore. You're supposedly not relevant. Your story or women of your age are not what people want to watch or want to hear about or want to see. I, however, have been incredibly fortunate in that I have chosen to do projects, whether they're independent movies or the TV series like "Harry Wild," where I am playing somebody that is my age, and I am dealing with the issues that happen to people of that kind of age group.
I think in real life, it doesn't matter whether you're famous or not. I find that if I have somebody coming to fix something, if they see a man in the room, they won't even talk to me. I'll say, "Excuse me. I am the one who phoned you. I actually am the one who owns the house. I'll be paying your bill. So please, can you talk to me?" And then they say, "Well, you won't understand, so I'm going to talk to him." Do you even know who he is? Have you met him?
So one way of dealing with this is humor. I will pick up my phone and say, "While you are explaining it to him, do you mind if I just record it so I will know and remember it? Because clearly, I'm not supposed to be able to remember these things and to save you telling me that, I think I'll just record it."
"When you get to an age where people feel, well, you're not useful for that anymore — you're kind of dismissed."
With Speak Up In BE, we're talking about medical issues in the doctor's office and a lot of different things. We're told we are not supposed to be able to run as fast. We're not supposed to have as much energy. We're not supposed to be as viable, I suppose, in certain things. We're too old for that. And, of course, we're not supposed to remember anything.
I'm a great one for being practical, recording it and just in the nicest possible way, letting them know that I'm the person they should talk to.
Why do you think this is how women are viewed in society? It's changing, but still …
It is changing. But if you think about it biologically, when you are very young and you're a woman, and if you choose to, you could be having children (Seymour has six) and going through that kind of a cycle. When you get to an age where people feel, well, you're not useful for that anymore — you're kind of dismissed.
"I think it's when somebody half listens to you, they don't really hear you, and they dictate what they think is their throwaway —oh, well you are older, this is normal." 
I think the problem is someone can try and dismiss you, but you have to not be dismissible. So you have to pivot yourself and just go, okay, so yep, I'm not useful for giving you babies, but actually I'm very useful in terms of an enormous amount of life experience. I actually have time on my hands now and an interest in a lot of different things. I'm not stuck with one career or one thing that I need to do.
And now it's exciting! Now it's your time. So I don't understand. I understand that that's what's happened and what does happen a lot. That's why I think this campaign of Unseenism is incredibly important; to give it a name, give it a face and give it a voice. I think being an advocate for it is really important. Encouraging the average person to have that conversation with their friends, with themselves, with their partners, with their kids, just like, "Hey, I'm not only still here, but I'm actually probably more valuable and useful now than I was before."
Explain in your own words what 'Unseenism' is.
I think Unseenism is when you are maybe too afraid to talk about it because you feel like you're not important to the conversation even when it's about your own health. I think it's when somebody half listens to you, they don't really hear you, and they dictate what they think is their throwaway —oh, well you are older, this is normal. You've just got to accept everything.
I think Unseenism is when you can't self-advocate and when you can't feel good about enough about your own self-worth that you can ask the proper questions, especially in the medical situation here and record the answers. That's what I do. I write down the questions before I go. I do some research beforehand so I know exactly what I'm going to ask the doctor about, and I'm going to absolutely self-advocate. I record because I may not remember it, not because I have dementia or I'm older, but there may be an issue with hearing and processing at the same time that I might miss something that I don't want to miss.
What types of advice are you giving to women?
Do your research, know your questions and listen to your body because no one else hears your body. You can say, "The doctor missed that." But did you tell the doctor that that's what you're actually feeling? Write down "These times on those days, this is what I felt."
"Do your research, know your questions and listen to your body because no one else hears your body."
Ask your doctor, "Please tell me what do you think. Because you've got the training, you've got the expertise."
There are lots of diseases like bronchiectasis where they can easily be brushed off as, "You have chronic cold," or "We've checked your lungs." You need to be able to ask the questions and say, "Can we dig deeper? Because what you're giving me that's supposed to be making me feel better isn't."
We're asking people to really listen to their bodies, make sure they know what the questions are, and the information they can give. If you're not going to remember it and you get nervous in the doctor's room, as we all do, write it down. And if you're not going to hear or understand or remember what they told you to do, record it or have an advocate with you.
What about women who have trouble self advocating?  What would you say to them so that they would speak up?
Get to the point saying, "These are my issues. These are my questions, and if you're going to give me some answers, is it okay with you if I either have someone else in the room listening with me or I take notes or I can use my recorder just so I won't forget it?"
I think you will be respected for doing that because you're not wasting time, and they're not going to have to tell you the same thing three times.
Sometimes the doctor may tell you things you don't want to hear. So take someone with you if you feel scared. Have somebody else come with you who can ask the questions for you that you may be afraid to ask.
Anything else to say about age? 
I honestly think that age is obviously linear, but different for everyone. I think if you have a young spirit, if you find joy, if you can embrace body, mind and spirit — you have purpose. And for me, being creative is really important. Just find what it is that makes you tick and live your best life.


Jane Seymour Speaks Out Against 'Unseenism' to Help Women Find Their Voices

Michele Wojciechowski

One sunny afternoon not long ago, I left my garden-level residence and sauntered over to the turquoise-blue heated swimming pool for a respite from caregiving. During the 500-step walk, the flow of the lake fountain with egrets soaring past was instantly calming.
Sheryl Stillman and her mother in Sheryl's apartment in Estero, FloridaIt felt as though I resided at a five-star resort. With equal parts guilt and wonder whenever viewing my surroundings, I ponder whether renting at this stage in life — I was 57 at the time— is the most intelligent decision.
More Older Adults Are Renting
For many women aged 50 and older, divorce, children moving out, the death of a loved one and other life events catapult us into contemplating our long-term home situation. In late 2022, I left an empty nest in Minneapolis to relocate to a two-bedroom apartment in Estero, Florida, only a few miles from where my mother lives, to support her on her Alzheimer's journey.
According to the Pew Research Center, 30% of adults aged 55 and older live in rented accommodations, more than at any time since 1965. For me, with house prices and mortgage rates high and my mother's prognosis uncertain, it seemed more prudent to sign a lease rather than take on a mortgage when I arrived in Florida.
It has been more than a year since I settled into my apartment complex, and I have been pleasantly surprised by the lifestyle benefits available to me as a renter but that were out of reach as a homeowner. In talking with several other women — two financial advisors and one psychologist — here's where we netted on the pros and cons of letting go of the "American Dream."
Freedom, Flexibility and Simplicity
Lori Keller, 63, no stranger to renting, moved into her first efficiency unit when she was 18 and has been shuffling in and out of apartments and homes across the country since then. Keller recently transferred to Southwest Florida from the Pacific Northwest to be near family and determine her next chapter. "Living in an apartment offers me the utmost freedom, whether I want to move across town or the country," she said. "I love that!"
Additionally, there is more time for fun and relaxation when one is not burdened with fixing, upgrading or maintaining a house or yard. "My place is low maintenance and turnkey," Keller said, "providing flexibility to spend my free time enjoying life." That can mean going to the beach with friends, taking a road trip or reading an enjoyable book, she added.
"It's nice to have both a sense of privacy and community at hand."
Alyssa Roberts, a practicing psychologist, researcher and senior writer at Practical Psychology, supported that approach to life. "Having more time and energy to focus on personal goals, relationships and leisure activities is vital for mental health," she said.
Keller said another bonus of downsizing is having a smaller space that encourages a less-materialistic lifestyle. "I have lived in homes with room for storage and a basement: it's amazing how quickly things accumulate," she said. "Apartment life fosters a 'less is more' lifestyle, which I'm partial to as I've gotten older."
Amenities Mirror a Vacation Lifestyle
When surveying potential rental locations, finding developments where you feel comfortable and safe are top considerations for older women. Beyond those, you may want to focus on communities that offer amenities whose costs are included in your rent. These facilities range from heated indoor or outdoor pools, hot tubs, firepits, 24/7 fitness rooms, business centers and dog parks.
Another advantage of living in an apartment house versus single-family home may be accessibility. That is the case for Carolyn Davis, in Providence, Rhode Island. Davis is 64 and uses a wheelchair, so elevator access, package services and 24-hour security are paramount in maintaining her quality of life.
"One of the concierges brings me my mail; there is an elevator, and the ground level is flush with the outside, so I never have to worry about stairs," Davis explained. She also appreciates having neighbors close but not so close, she added. "Because I am physically vulnerable, it's nice to have both a sense of privacy and community at hand."
When Kam Magor, 78, sold her three-bedroom house in Austin, Texas, her initial plan was to live the "van life." Unfortunately, health issues delayed her departure, and she became a renter in limbo. "At the time," Magor said, "I wasn't thinking whether I would like apartment living, but it turns out, I really enjoy it."
A few unexpected perks she described include an aesthetically pleasing complex and the convenience of being within walking distance of a dog park and small outdoor pool.
Alissa Wolf, 67, shared the same sentiment regarding her space in Maple Shade, New Jersey, "I live in a cheerful community, have a beautiful balcony I decorate with each season, and a view overlooking a pretty park."
Alissa Wolf's balconyProximity Encourages Connections
Back in Minnesota, my rambler, or ranch house, sat on a quiet cul-de-sac with five other houses tucked into our corner of the world. As a single mom with a full-time career, my neighbors were often a lifeline for me, whether they were assisting with furniture, letting the pup out or lending something. Yet, with the long winters, we could go months without running into one another, which is different in communal living.
According to Roberts, one study found baby boomer renters were more engaged with neighbors and twice as likely to exchange favors than suburban homeowners.
It's easy to understand how this happens when living in a community with hundreds of other residents (sometimes more). For example, familiarity lends itself to quickly learning and ultimately caring about one another when sharing the dog park, chatting at the mailboxes or attending social events with neighbors.
"Unlike isolated single-family homes," Roberts said, "the constant opportunity for social connection has been proven to dramatically reduce loneliness and improve mood and cognition in adults over 50."
Discovering the Drawbacks
With all the favorable lifestyle reasons highlighted above, you may ask, "What's the downside?" I won't lie; several negatives come with renting rather than owning.
The women I spoke with, me included, worried about noise and nosy neighbors when moving into housing without soundproof walls and people milling around at all hours. While valid, these are minor annoyances in the scheme of things — the more significant drawbacks center around not controlling your entire environment.
Specifically, management sets rules of shared facilities, visitor parking, the timing of sprinklers going off or when landscapers arrive (always during a Zoom meeting) and the hardest to digest, rent increases when your lease is up for renewal.
Or the opposite, when the cost of the same style units is lowered to stay competitive in the marketplace, management may require its current tenants to "transfer" apartments to enjoy the savings.
Lastly, as renters, you have no say in what eventually happens with the place you temporarily occupy and no opportunity to benefit from any equity in the property.
Here are some financial considerations when reviewing housing options.
Weighing Risks and Rewards
One of the more apparent benefits of renting versus buying is not parting with a hefty amount of cash, whether for a down payment or significant expenses such as fixing the roof or replacing appliances.
Laurie Itkin, a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst, encourages newly divorced women to rent for a year or two as they get their bearings on where they want to be long-term.
"You wouldn't want to purchase a home if you think you may leave soon," she explained, "since there are transaction costs with buying and selling, including paying a broker, mortgage application fees, refinancing fees and moving expenses." All of these reduce any potential profit when selling.
Itkin also cautioned that if you buy a home and are over 60 or 70, what would happen to the house if you had to move into an assisted-living facility? Would you have enough money if the time comes, or would you be able to extract the funds out of your house?
The author's apartment complexPamela J. Sams, a Chartered Retirement Planning Counselor with Jackson Sams Wealth Strategies in Herndon, Virginia, stressed the importance of determining where you are on your retirement track before making any decisions. "Be sure your retirement is well-funded before buying a [or another] house," she stated.
"Often, clients discount renting because the 'American Dream' is to own a home," Sams added. "But it could be at the detriment of not having enough money later in life."
She offered key questions to ask yourself:
What do I want to accomplish?How much money do I still need for my retirement?What is the long-term savings between renting and buying?If buying a home, is it for investment purposes or to create generational wealth (for example, leaving it to children to sell and split proceeds)?Does having this asset make sense for me if I don't have kids?"Living in an apartment offers me the utmost freedom, whether I want to move across town or the country. I love that!"
Don't forget there may be additional costs of home ownership, including property tax (if you reside in a taxed state) and HOA (Homeowner Association) fees. Sams recommended adding 20% to your monthly mortgage amount and then comparing it to the average rent in your area. Depending on where you live, rent may be less expensive in the long run.
For instance, while my rent is over 20% higher than my last mortgage, my spending is lower because I no longer have the continuing expenses of managing a home. I make an automatic payment for rent and utilities on the first of every month, which is all I will pay for the next 30 days. Many people believe renting is "throwing money down the drain." However, Itkin refers to this as "paying a premium for flexibility."
Of course, whether one should rent or buy is an entirely personal question, often with an "it depends" answer. After listening to other renters and experts, I will be more relaxed and confident strolling down the walking path.
For now, my decision to live the apartment life is a good choice for me and a wise investment in my overall well-being.


The Allure of Apartment Life

Sheryl Stillman

I learned grieving was the most intimate of acts when my wife Muriel died. There is no guide telling us how to mend a wounded soul. All you can hope is those who love you know that silence and an embrace comfort when words do not.
"An act of kindness is someone sitting quietly and just listening, and acts of kindness heal."Men we knew who survived their wives either moved closer to their children or quickly found another woman companion.
My children and grandchildren surrounded me with love they knew I needed to feel, not hear. Friends understood there were no words and just held me. When given advice, it almost always came from men. They wanted to help, but all I heard of their advice was the word's closing sound, "ice," and it chilled rather than warmed me. Women I spoke with remained silent, speaking only when they heard what I needed.I've been alone for five years and have some sense of what heals those nearly strangled by loss. Friends who experienced their own loss told me that while I would be certain they were wrong, they wanted me to know the passage of time would soften my anguish. It has, and as the months and now years have passed, I no longer gasp when I breathe. There was something else I learned that proved true. An act of kindness is someone sitting quietly and just listening, and acts of kindness heal.I was part of a couple for nearly seventy years. In the first months, our friends invited me to dinner, making certain I wasn't sitting alone at a silent table. As time passed, though, they returned to their own lives as Muriel and I would have returned to ours. The dinner invitations stopped coming.
I realized I would have to find friends who were also alone. If there were unmarried friends in our old address book, virtually all were women. Men we knew who survived their wives either moved closer to their children or quickly found another woman companion. 
I was nearing my ninetieth birthday when I lost Muriel and women carrying casseroles called on younger men. But I was hungry to have dinner with someone with whom I could talk.
I began calling widows we knew and quickly found that most had formed deep friendships with other women but were happy to meet with a man as a friend, not as a romantic partner. The simple act of going to a restaurant with someone quickened the step of hours that had refused to move. 
As our friendships grew, we began meeting at our homes, sometimes cooking, more often having dinner delivered so we could spend our time just talking. It was not unusual to pass three or more hours reminiscing about the lives we once led and the lives we were leading now.
When I asked men their feelings about loss, living alone or just growing older, most shrugged and said as though the conversation was over, "It is what it is." 
I had grown up in the world of boys and men, at first on Bronx streets, then in schoolyards, in Army barracks, in an all-male college and in workplaces structured to please men. I began calling the few single men I knew who were about my age, hoping to recapture the tight bond of male friendship. But conversations that came alive when women spoke or listened never left the ground with men.
When I asked men their feelings about loss, living alone or just growing older, most shrugged and said as though the conversation was over, "It is what it is." Their discomfort made me feel I was prying. Women seemed to understand grief would explode if it didn't find a way to pour out in words. The men I talked with made me feel such words were better left unspoken. Why talk about something that had happened and couldn't be fixed?
Women seemed to understand grief would explode if it didn't find a way to pour out in words. 
Without a moment's research or shred of evidence, I began looking for reasons it was easier for me to express feelings to women than to men. As a boy, I didn't have to be told there were unspoken rules males followed. Girls talked; boys acted — or so it seemed. As men entered their working years, it struck me they lived their lives in more tightly structured stages. A man's career shaped who he was. Ask a man who he is and he'll tell you what he does for a living.Of course, some women also followed stages that took them from childhood to student to wife, to mother and into and through their careers. I was brought up to believe that a man was defined by his career, while women seemed to have within a depth of feeling that transcends any stage. I saw that transcendence in my wife and now in my three daughters and in my women friends. Just as they were the ones who heard the baby cry at midnight, they are the first to hear the muted plea of someone who needs their tenderness.
Certainly the men I remain closest to have touched me with kindness, heard my pain and helped me heal. But, for reasons I'm trying to understand, most of the men I meet seem to see this stage — the final one — as one more time for women to deal with feelings while they do what men do, solve problems. 
I miss the friendship of men, but for now at least I find talking with women an act of kindness that reassures me I can be happy again.


Talking to Men and Women About My Grief

Robert W. Goldfarb

We have all heard the numbers: roughly one in eight U.S. women will develop breast cancer throughout their lifetime. Indeed, it is an alarming statistic, but I have something to tell you that is even more impactful.
Participants embrace after racing in a fundraiser for breast cancer research We need to know a bit about her before and after breast cancer arrived like a thief in the night to make its mark, subtle or profound, on her life story. 
You see, numbers don't tell the whole story. In fact, in large part, they miss the point. Statistics only give us a conclusion. To understand breast cancer's impact, we need to back up and consider each woman behind the statistics.
We need to know a bit about her before and after breast cancer arrived like a thief in the night to make its mark, subtle or profound, on her life story. Thus, I want to share some of these stories about the women diagnosed with breast cancer whom I have known, some for most of my life and others for a short while.
I don't confess to knowing each story in its entirety. But I can confidently say that what I know has impacted me and many others. I want to start with several friends who ultimately lost their lives to breast cancer.
Women I Have Lost
There was the sharp-witted and pragmatic co-worker who, one day, announced her remission when she had stopped joking about her wig. When I commented that I was glad she was through the worst of it, I noticed a strained, sideways glance.
Gathering with candles at dusk, hundreds of us walked silently to her home, where we sang and prayed our goodbyes.
These were the days when I was too naive to believe that young women with young children could lose their lives to breast cancer. She died fifteen months later.
There was another mom I knew casually. Statuesque, warm and gregarious, she had many friends. I joined them one evening when she was close to the end. Gathering with candles at dusk, hundreds of us walked silently to her home, where we sang and prayed our goodbyes.
Most painfully, I lost my college roommate. Following graduation, we spent eight weeks shoulder to shoulder as we backpacked through Europe. In recent years, we had grown apart, which I regret. I learned about her fate several months after her death. 
I learned, too, that in the short time preceding her death, she had lost both her father and her only sibling, a cognitively disabled brother for whom she had cared and advocated and who himself died awaiting a kidney transplant.
Breast cancer shows no mercy. But I know survivors, too. There are several moms at my children's grade school. Some of their stories I know better than others. I participated in meal trains sometimes and prayed.
In recent years, we had grown apart, which I regret. I learned about her fate several months after her death.
Knowing Survivors 
There are two friends, both of whom my husband and I have known for decades. Both were diagnosed with other forms of cancer in their twenties, underwent treatment, and then moved on. But cancer doesn't give up that easily, and in their midlives, breast cancer came to both, and now both continue to live as survivors.
There are two sisters, each diagnosed with breast cancer within a year of each other. I count both as friends. Each caught cancer early but chose different paths towards recovery, one radiation and the other a total mastectomy.
Most recently, the woman who chose the latter treatment refused to allow cancer to be the last to leave its mark on her body: she had her reconstructed breasts covered with tattoos that she and her daughter designed. Remarkably, I know another set of sisters who fought breast cancer simultaneously. Only one survived.
And then there was my nana. She was the first to bring the word "mastectomy" into my young consciousness. I remember leaning into her as a child and feeling the padding on her left side, replacing the breast that no longer existed.
Recently, I learned of yet another friend who was recently diagnosed. Beautiful inside and out, she has encountered tragedy in her life and borne it bravely. She is now breast cancer's latest warrior. It is because of her that I sat down today to reflect.
The truth is, in some way, we are all touched by breast cancer.
These are the many women diagnosed with breast cancer who have touched my life. Their lives, stories, triumphs, choices and profound losses speak much louder than statistics.
And I am just one person. I am certain that you have your own stories to tell. The truth is, in some way, we are all touched by breast cancer.
I visited the doctor this morning for a scheduled annual appointment less than 24 hours after I learned of my friend's diagnosis. Early in the appointment, my doctor inquired about my alcohol consumption. She flatly stated the newest research linking breast cancer and alcohol use.
The timing put an exclamation point on her advice to cut back. As I process the news of another friend fighting another cancer battle and an unknown outcome, I have decided that this is a moment for self-care, awareness, gratitude for my health and, yes, taking a pass on that glass of wine.
Today, I pray for peace and recovery for my recently diagnosed friend and other women diagnosed with breast cancer who are so much more than a statistic.


The True Impact of Breast Cancer: Stories Outweigh Statistics

Jenny Wisniewski

Artificial intelligence (AI) is making headlines everywhere. Yet AI applications and implications for older adults, particularly older women, have not been adequately contemplated.
Older women are a unique population and their needs often are neglected because of gendered ageism — discrimination based on their age and sex. Research has shown that older women are more likely to experience adverse health outcomes and face poverty and discrimination based on age and sex.It's no longer a moonshot idea from a science fiction movie. AI is already part of our daily lives — Apple's Siri, Amazon's Alexa and self-driving cars. Now comes ChatGPT, an AI chatbot that can have human-like conversations, compose music, create art and write essays. It has disrupted the world as we know it. Pundits who are not easily impressed describe these advancements as "scary good."
 Older women are a unique population and their needs often are neglected because of gendered ageism — discrimination based on their age and sex
Many leaders have asked for a pause on AI development until we gain a better understanding of its impact. This is a good idea — but for reasons well beyond those often identified.
Discriminatory Outcomes
We need to ask: How can we ensure that AI's reach is considering the unique needs of different populations? For example, many countries are becoming super-aged societies where women make up the majority of the older population. Is AI taking the needs of older adults into account?
Without thinking through these questions, we may leave older adults — particularly women, and other marginalized populations — open to discriminatory outcomes.
The needs of older women are often invisible to decision-makers. Older women are a unique population and their needs often are neglected because of gendered ageism — discrimination based on their age and sex. Research has already demonstrated that older women are more likely to experience adverse health outcomes and face poverty and discrimination based on age and sex.
AI perpetuates this discrimination in the virtual world by replicating discriminatory practices in the real world. What's worse is that AI automates this discrimination — speeds it up and makes the impact more widely felt.
AI models use historical data. In health care, large data sets composed of personal and biomedical information are currently being used to train AI, but these data have, in many cases, excluded older adults and women, making technologies exclusionary by design.
Bias In, Bias Out
For example, AI has a valuable use in drug research and development, which uses massive data sets or "big data." But AI is only as good as the data it gets and much of the world has not collected drug data properly.
In the United States, until the 1990s, women and minorities were not required to be included in National Institute of Health (NIH) funded studies. And up until 2019, older adults were not required to be included in NIH funded studies, leaving a gap in our understanding of the health needs of older women in particular.
AI powered systems are often designed based on ageist assumptions.
Excluding older women from drug data collection has been specifically detrimental because they are more likely to have chronic conditions that may require drugs. Thus, they are more likely to experience harmful side effects from medications.
Also, AI powered systems are often designed based on ageist assumptions. Stereotypes such as older adults being technophobes result in their exclusion from participating in the design of advanced technologies.
For example, women make up majority of the residents in long-term care homes. A study found that biases held by technology developers toward older adults hindered the appropriate utilization of AI in long-term care.
There also needs to be further thought given to loss of autonomy and privacy, and the effects of limiting human companionship because of AI. Older women are more likely to experience loneliness, yet AI is already being used in the form of companion robots. Their impact on older women's wellbeing, especially loss of human contact, is not well studied.
There also needs to be further thought given to loss of autonomy and privacy, and the effects of limiting human companionship because of AI.
This is how older women get left out from properly benefitting from advancements in technology.
How to Avoid Bias
The World Health Organization's (WHO) February 2022 policy brief "Ageism in Artificial Intelligence for Health" outlines eight important considerations to ensure that AI technologies for health address ageism. These include participatory design of AI technology with older people and age-inclusive data.
We would add the need to consider the differences between women and men throughout. All levels of government also need to think about how AI is affecting our lives and get innovative with policy and legal frameworks to prevent systemic discrimination.
Ethical guidelines and the routine evaluation of AI systems can help prevent the perpetuation of gendered ageism and promote fair and equitable outcomes.
It's time we rethink our approach and reimagine our practices, so that everyone can participate and take advantage of what AI has to offer.


Hey, Siri! Remember Your Sisters!

Surbhi Kalia

Dr. Paula Rochon

About 10 minutes into the Zoom meeting, I realized I was invisible.
Of the four other participants that day, three were men, one was a woman maybe two decades my junior. The four talked, asked questions and made decisions regarding our mutual work project. Despite my efforts, I couldn't seem to break into the conversation. And yes, I checked my mute setting.
There are ways to not just survive invisibility, but use it to your advantage. If you don't have the spotlight, consider what you can do in the shadows.If you're a woman over 50 (40?) you may recognize this scenario. We've become invisible at work. A study published by AARP last year found roughly two out of three women over 50 report discrimination in the workplace — everything from lack of promotion and training opportunities to "social group segregation" — that's the act of being frozen out by the cool kids.
Think of Invisibility as a Superpower
Research published by Harvard Business Review earlier this year highlighted the problem of gendered ageism. As women age, their perceived value and relevance in the workplace diminishes. Said one woman in the study: "I am largely ignored."
Invisibility isn't a professional death sentence. It's a stage that can be managed, even leveraged.
This is true whether we work remotely or on site. You can find many articles that advise women how to stay visible. I'm here to give the counterpoint. Invisibility isn't a professional death sentence. It's a stage that can be managed, even leveraged.
I come to this statement with more experience than most. I'm a ghostwriter. Invisibility is baked into my job. But the invisible part is supposed to come after publication. During the writing, editing and production process, I'm an active, visible part of the team. Or at least I should be. So, in my 20 years as a ghost, when I sense my team has jumped the invisibility gun, I've developed tools to remind them I'm still around — and that they still need me.
Tips to Turn the Tables
I offer these to my newly invisible sisters. If it seems like they don't see you, don't get mad. Get tactical.
Use technology. When I couldn't seem to get my voice into the above-mentioned Zoom conversation, I started putting my comments into the chat. It's a tad passive-aggressive, but it works. By the third comment, they noticed.Here's something I've observed another woman using: When she was getting over-talked, she raised her voice a notch and asked, "Am I muted?" Social convention demands that when you hear that in an online meeting, you have to speak up and say you can hear. And in that split second, she seized the floor: "Oh, good. Here's what I'm thinking. . . ."Use keywords. Ever seen the TikToks in which dog owners prank man's best friend by pretending to make a phone call and using the words that get Fido to prick up his ears? Walk, car, park, puppaccino. This works for human men. If you want their attention in a meeting, use the words they find worthy like revenue, sales, profit, engagement. Pick words they care about. I once swiftly secured all eyes in a meeting in which I was the only female by using "lawsuit" in a sentence.Whatever you do, do not use the phrases that trigger Male Meeting Deafness. Examples:  "I was just thinking. . . ." "This may not be a good idea but. . . ." "If I could just interject. . . ." If you don't find your input worthy, why should they?Invite Yourself to Meetings
Seek relationships. On a project a few years back, I became aware that weekly update meetings were happening without me. I made a request to be included — and while I waited for a response, I scheduled one-on-one calls with various members of the project team. I started with the women. This allowed me to get the information I was missing from the meetings — and to convey information I knew the team needed to hear. Eventually, I was added to the invite list. Relationship building is effective and comes in many forms: I've seen other women mentor newcomers, befriend the overworked, provide a listening ear to the frustrated. Rather than fret about invisibility, they built a new posse — one that valued them.Beware "invisible" work. One way that women slip off the radar is by embracing non-revenue work — tasks such as note taking, scheduling, organizing staff events. Look at your calendar and evaluate each item: is this work that brings in money to this organization? Is this a task that is directly connected to the core mission of my team? Chances are good, if there's no dollar sign attached to it, it's a lesser task.You may feel as though you are contributing, but it's a false sense of security. When you're approached (again) to plan the office holiday party, chair a committee or order the lunch, be too busy. Maybe suggest a younger man in the organization who would be just perfect for the opportunity.Make your exit plan. No one article is going to eradicate the one-two punch of ageism and sexism in the workplace. Would that it was that easy. So, if you think they’re looking through you, don’t spend all of your energy in battle. Carve some of it out to plan your next act. It may be a new employer or a pivot to something completely different. Perhaps in a setting or industry in which you’ll be easier to see.Working in the Shadows
Then there are the opportunities not just to survive invisibility, but use it to your advantage. If you don't have the spotlight, consider what you can do in the shadows.
Look for the opportunities that will surprise them with your value.
Look for the opportunities that will surprise them with your value. What are the skills that are missing from the team and how can you acquire them? Can you pursue a certificate? Take an online class? Identify business opportunities the team is missing? What would happen if you pursued those gaps and secured a new client?
What industry associations are powerful in your marketplace? Can you seek leadership positions in those spaces?
If your ovaries have tapped out, your mind still works. Think of new ways, new tactics, new methods that will keep you in the mix. Don't yell into the void. Redirect that rage and outsmart them. The upside of being invisible is that they'll never see you coming.


A Ghostwriter’s Guide for Invisible Women

Ellen Neuborne

When I met Linda Back McKay through the Loft Literary Center in Minneapolis, I was new to writing, and she had several books published. Yet she asked about my manuscript. Suggested we do a reading together. Connected me with her publisher. Many times in many ways she guided me through the years. She didn't have to take the time to mentor me, but she did.
Flo Dietz (left) with Louise Scherbyn in riding leathers, July 1942.We celebrated her wins, too, like when she got the book contract of her dreams­­. It'd been too long since I'd ridden my Honda CG125 down unpaved roads around our farm, but Linda continued riding – and writing — about motorcycles. Given the chance to work with the personal photos of the woman who founded the first stand-alone women-only motorcycle association, she said yes.
She always said yes, she told her students. "You always say yes?" they'd ask. "Yes," she'd say.
Saying Yes 
Turned out the founder of the Women's International Motorcycle Association (WIMA) also encouraged her followers to say yes — to motorcycle riding. And the thrill of independence.
And in the fall of 2019, from her hospice bed, my friend handed over her whole manuscript.
No other woman in Rochester rode solo when Louise Scherbyn first wheeled her Scout onto the gravel of Maiden Lane during the Depression. Took two years to convince three other women to get their licenses, too. Friendships in their motorcycle auxiliary proved tight-knit and long-lasting.
When someone encourages you to try hard things and you find you can do it, you want help them in turn.
So when Linda found out she had brain cancer, I did what felt right. She needed guidance developing Scherbyn's narrative, something she'd never needed before. And in the fall of 2019, from her hospice bed, my friend handed over her whole manuscript.
It was clear this story about women breaking barriers was bigger than either of us. I promised to see it through.
We didn't know a pandemic would get in our way.
That spring I sorted out what we had and what we needed, scrolling through hundreds of black and whites from Scherbyn's extensive collection — a benefit of working at Kodak. Priceless pics of women in mackinaws and, later, in LeatherTogs. How they clustered around Scherbyn at rallies and picnics. Such impish smiles.
Sorting Through Photos  
Many photos we'd had to pull; the women's names and meeting places weren't identified, as the publisher required. Without matching up why and where these motorcycling pioneers had traveled, we didn't have a story.
Louise Scherbyn (in dark cap) with young admirers at a hill climb at Keck’s farm, Egypt, NY, August 1936.Neither museum housing Scherbyn's cycles and papers held the answers. Linda had gone looking between treatments. On the way to Waterloo, she'd met up with a woman who'd recognized her mother in a photo Linda posted on Facebook. 
The mom had been one of the kids looking up to Scherbyn at a rally. Scherbyn had once belonged to the same motorcycle club auxiliary as the older women in the family, so the daughter brought Linda to the Newark clubhouse. A 1939 photo of Scherbyn hung on the wall. A new archive to explore — only Linda hadn't the strength to stay.
I found the contact info inside her stack of papers. But what could this collection contain that two museums had not?
The contact couldn't say; the mom was sick. As she recovered, I researched what I could. And kept returning to Scherbyn's pictures of rallies and races and picnics and parties. To photos taken during WWII of women posing by motorcycles parked aside a road unfurling into distant hills.
Such a trip taken during fuel rationing must have meant something.
Back at home, I transcribed nearly two thousand pages. Put decades of documents in chronological order.
The mom didn't know why. And she was in and out of the hospital. Yet the daughter was willing to ask her my other questions. It seemed a way for the two to share something they loved.
When Mom gets better, we'll all talk, the daughter promised.
Except the mom unexpectedly passed away.
Thankfully, the daughter remained in touch. Once travel restrictions lifted, she invited me to visit, honoring the connection her mother shared with Scherbyn, then Linda.
Not until I walked in the door did I understand everything she'd pulled together: Crowding the dining room and living room were stacks and stacks of green and blue and brown totes, all lugged out of storage. 
Totes Full of Memories 
She'd recruited a sister and cousin to help sift through thousands of pages of meeting minutes, club registrations, rally sign-ups, raffle tickets, race records, uniform orders, and travel documents as well as flyers and equipment catalogs and manufacturers' magazines. 
Linda Back McKayThe motorcycle club her grandfather had founded was one of the oldest in the country, and they'd kept all receipts, down to the grocery list for the 1942 Turkey Run. And the grandmother and aunts and mom had each held an office in the women's auxiliary. They'd been pen pals with Scherbyn. A wire bin was set out for letters they'd exchanged.
That weekend we drove out to where these women rode and rallied. Where they picnicked, watching nationally ranked riders attempt Keck's hill. The daughter pointed out natural springs where club members stopped for water.
My head was spinning. I'd learned Scherbyn had ridden west for a new national women's auxiliary, then traveled east to reconnoiter manufacturing sites as the first female editor of a national motorcycle magazine. Given the family stories and albums shared, I could identify the women in Scherbyn's photos. Flesh out personalities. I could do this.
We sat at the dining table, reviewing the last stacks of papers, when the daughter cautioned I shouldn't identify the club. Or its location. Or name any members. All the details needed for a book.
I would have protested but saw how her face creased with worry. Hadn't I counseled students through this before? Concerns often arise over how a stranger might depict loved ones on the page.
Considering these women drove hundreds of miles to gather at the fairgrounds, testing how many laps they could go on a tank of gas and how many balloons they could bust on the track proved more their speed.
I had to show how I intended to tell their truth. I had to do this for Linda. For Scherbyn. For myself.
Back at home, I transcribed nearly two thousand pages. Put decades of documents in chronological order. In the archive was indeed everything, including registrations for the All Girls Shows, Scherbyn's brainchild that the grandmother took over. Hall of Fame inductee Dot Robinson even rode in from Detroit since Scherbyn then served as a Motor Maids' officer.
But the gold we found sparkled in letters from housewives and teachers and auto assembly workers and beauticians, all sharing a love of riding and the desire to compete — not in sack races or wheelbarrow races, as the AMA suggested. Considering these women drove hundreds of miles to gather at the fairgrounds, testing how many laps they could go on a tank of gas and how many balloons they could bust on the track proved more their speed.
'This One Is for the Ladies' 
Within the hundreds of pages compiled, I highlighted what to consider including. I sent those pages back and shared news articles found about the club, many written by an aunt or the grandfather. The aunt had bested men when testing skills honed by the war's blackout restrictions, like driving with a bag over her head. (Please don't try this at home.) And the mom had stepped into a leadership role, helping Scherbyn through her lowest point. Which led to Scherbyn founding WIMA.  
The family well knew the grandfather's accomplishments. The Curtiss Museum kept his effects on display for years. Turned out the women of the family also played an essential role in motorcycling history.
Photos captured how it began, discovering the joy they shared. You can see it in the smile of a ten-year-old riding on her big sister's shoulders at Scherbyn's first All Girls Show.
"I wasn't sure this would happen, with Covid and all," Linda's widower said when the books landed on his doorstep.
Me either.
Yet the effort surely is worth it, to honor those we've cared about and lost. Who made our joy possible.
The sentiment echoing through the daughter's go-ahead: "This one," she said, "is for the ladies."


Riding off With a Legacy

Kate St. Vincent Vogl

In the first dark months of COVID, very much alone in my New York City apartment, I got an invitation from a writer friend who was starting an online group called "Writing about Your Mom Without Guilt." I was up half the night rather tormented, debating whether I was willing to write about my mother at all because it was such a painful subject for me. 
"We laughed, we cried. When the formal class ended, we wanted to continue. We gave each other prompts to many different subjects."With much anxiety, I joined to find eight other women some thousands of miles from each other, most of us strangers and a few good friends. Because we were on Zoom and quite distant from each other, it was a safe space and we all poured out little memoir pieces on things we had never previously told a soul.
Then I joined the class and learned what it was "to Zoom." I used my iPhone and found that all the other women could fit into the palm of my hand.
COVID was an unusual, terrifying time everywhere. I lived then as I do now in an Upper West Side apartment building high above the street, a short walk from the Hudson River. I seldom went out in those first months for fear of infection, always double-masked, always feeling that the next trip to buy bread at the small grocery might be my last. The streets were largely empty. Ambulances screamed by day and night. I was living alone at the time and was starved for other people. My sons brought food and left it at the door to protect me. It was truly odd.  
Then I joined the class and learned what it was "to Zoom." I used my iPhone and found that all the other women could fit into the palm of my hand.
We were nine, including me, all of us from our early fifties to late seventies. There was our teacher Andrea, also a New Yorker, lauded for her history of her grandmother's Polish village in the Holocaust and other writing; an Italian language student whose stories swept us away to a bucolic Europe, which no one could visit now; a successful author of many middle-grade historical novels.
There was another novelist who wrote of military families (which opened a world to me); a painter; an ER doctor; a rare bookseller; and a former opera singer. I had published several historical novels of people in the arts, such as Monet and Mozart.
Beginning Friendships 
It was strange and wonderful to begin friendships with others as we wrote of the most intimate things in our lives. Stories just burst from us, read aloud to the others too quickly or mumbled. We laughed, we cried. When the formal class ended, we wanted to continue. We gave each other prompts to many different subjects. 
It was strange and wonderful to begin friendships with others as we wrote of the most intimate things in our lives.
How wonderful to go into their pasts and worlds I could not dream of. Picnics and finding birth fathers in the south, life in an Idaho emergency room where some very ill patients shouted at our doctor that there was no such thing as COVID. For me, it was a chance to write about a beloved uncle and my kids when young.
Then we had our vaccinations; and in some of our parts of the world, the worse of COVID seemed to be lifting. My city was no longer the epicenter and my old life slowly cracked open again. More people walked the streets. I bought a ticket to my first Broadway play in a year and a half.  Buoyed by booster shots, we emerged slowly, blinking into our worlds.
Finally, some of us met in person in New York in autumn 2022. Though I had known a few of the women for years, I felt I had not seen them in forever and some I met for the first time. Katherine flew from her home in Seattle to Long Island to give a book reading from her biography of a 19th century painter (we had heard parts of it on the group Zoom calls) and Jane came from North Carolina and Linda from Austin. 
Andrea was in my neighborhood. We thought we wanted to go to museums, but what we really wanted to do was sit and talk and laugh and cry and realize the gift of being with each other. 
I cheered and then thought with a small gasp, "What have I done?" Perhaps we all did.
I was a little dazed at first to find these people not on my iPhone screen, but warm and in the chair next to me in an outdoor restaurant. Real hands on my arm. Laughter in my ear. The autumn wind blowing leaves about our feet.
Most of us were amazed when sometime later, Andrea said she wanted to publish a selection of our writing with an independent publisher. After a few wrong paths, an editor of a respected small press acquired it, having read only the intro and two essays. It debuts in April at an Austin, Texas bookstore.
I cheered and then thought with a small gasp, "What have I done?" Perhaps we all did.
Gathering Our Stories Together 
We had been in a safe space during COVID sharing our stories with other women who had become friends. Now strangers would read our secrets. Perhaps not too many strangers, but some and assuredly family and friends, which might be worse.
So, one by one, group members began to withdraw the more difficult first stories we had written on the subject of our mothers. In a few cases, the mothers were still living and if not, there were siblings. I was one of the few who did not withdraw mine though, believe me, I still think of it. As a fiction writer, difficult things from my past are disguised in my novels. Sometimes I do not know that the feelings I give a character are mine.
Maybe five or six of us are able to go to the Austin debut reading in April. The others will come as they have always done, by the miracle of Zoom. We are still trying to figure out how to bring our one Australian member to the U.S. When we meet on Thursday evenings in the U.S., it is Friday morning for Karen.
The relationships between the nine of us have grown. We carry each other's lives in our hearts now. We know each other's wants and needs. If anyone has a loss, or falls in love, or has a child, marries or worries about health, we are there to share it. We call the little group the Lady Bunch (Amy our ER doctor gave us the name) derived from the iconic television show, "The Brady Bunch."
Our published book is called "Here's the Story … Nine Women Write Their Lives."
I am sure other groups met through the miracle of the internet during those early dark and lonely COVID months. I am sure they do now in these better times. I wish them friendship and all wonderful things that can come of it. I wish them a Lady Bunch (of whatever gender) of their own.
We nine group members are: Andrea Simon (group founder, editor, and author), Amy Baruch (ER physician), Stephanie Cowell (novelist), Linda Aronowsky Cox (rare bookseller), Karen Finch (artist), Jane Mylum Gardner (artist), Rhonda Hunt-Del Bene (Italian language studies), Katherine Kirkpatrick (novelist and historian) and Kathleen M. Rodgers (novelist).


Nine Women Writers Find a Place of Their Own

Stephanie Cowell

You're probably familiar with the Census Bureau statistic that women are paid 82 cents compared with every dollar paid to men, but are you aware that a financial gap persists even after men and women exit the workforce for good?
Women's retirement contributions are, on average, 30% less than those made by men, according to a recent Goldman Sachs survey of 1,566 adults.
Women's retirement contributions are, on average, 30% less than those made by men, according to a recent Goldman Sachs survey of 1,566 adults.That gender savings gap is compounded by the fact that women live longer than men, which means they must stretch their retirement savings further. According to the Centers for Disease Control, American women, on average, live almost six years longer than American men.
More Vulnerable to Poverty
"The longevity gap can create real challenges for women as they age," said Cassandra Smalley, CEO of Cassandra Smalley Wealth Management in St. Petersburg, Florida. "Women are much more vulnerable to poverty than men as a result of living longer, and they face a multitude of challenges in overcoming various wealth gaps."
"Women are much more vulnerable to poverty than men as a result of living longer."
It doesn't take a math genius to calculate that women's longer life expectancy and lower earning potential adds up to having less disposable income to put toward retirement savings.
Unfortunately, many women approaching retirement age are simply unprepared financially for the years ahead. Of 2,500 women surveyed by Bank of America for a February 2022 report, only one-third said they were "doing well" when it came to saving and paying for retirement. One in five women approaching retirement age said they didn't have a financial plan.
While saving for retirement presents unique challenges for women due to their gender, identifying those challenges is the first step to overcoming them.
More Career Interruptions
Because women are usually the primary caregivers of both their children and older family members, they end up leaving work more often to focus fully on taking care of their families. Unfortunately, this means they have fewer years to contribute to employer-sponsored retirement plans.
According to Lorna Sabbia, Head of Retirement and Personal Wealth Solutions at Bank of America, work disruptions like these have a substantial effect on women's lifetime earning potential.
"A woman may have earned $1,055,000 less than a man who has stayed in the workforce."
"When combining these workplace interruptions with the lifelong pay gap, by retirement age, a woman may have earned $1,055,000 less than a man who has stayed in the workforce," Sabbia said.
Fewer years in the workforce can also spell smaller retirement benefits like Social Security, of which 15% of older female recipients rely on for more than 90% of their income. Additionally, if you stop work before you start receiving benefits and have fewer than 35 years of earnings, your benefits are reduced, according to the Social Security Administration.
Another factor inhibiting wealth-creation by women is the fact that only 62% of women ages 57 to 75 invest outside of retirement, according to a Fidelity Investments survey of 2,400 adults in July 2021.
While interest in investing is growing among women of all ages, having less disposable income and entering the stock market later in life can be scary for new investors.
If you're considering investing for retirement, Kari Lorz, certified financial education instructor and founder of Money for the Mamas recommends a slow and steady approach that doesn't overlook other expenses.
"If time isn't on your side, you should still invest, but actively manage your large expenses — housing and insurance," Lorz said. "These two costs have the biggest impact on your outgoing funds. If you can get these as low as possible, through house sharing and potential part-time work with insurance, you will save a lot and make your savings go further."
The Financial Cost of Divorce
Divorce is painful for everyone involved but it's more financially costly for women, especially if the divorce takes place after age 50.
If you're considering a divorce, secure your financial future by having your assets independently appraised and putting together a post-divorce budget.
According to research by Dr. Susan Brown, a Bowling Green State University sociology professor and co-director of the National Center for Family & Marriage Research, 27% of women who divorce after 50 are living in poverty by 63, compared to just 11% of men of the same age who divorce after 50.
This is due, in part, to regulations that forbid anyone to share in his or her ex-spouse's Social Security benefits unless they were married at least 10 years and do not marry again before 60. Lowering the 10-year threshold by even a few years would "substantially" reduce the number of low-income divorced women living in poverty, according to a recent study.
If you're considering a divorce, secure your financial future by having your assets independently appraised and putting together a post-divorce budget.
The Gap in Financial Literacy
Financial literacy is the foundation for good retirement-savings strategies, but only one in four women queried by The American College of Financial Services said they feel knowledgeable about retirement planning. The survey appears in the Women's Retirement Literacy Report.
Nicole Zheng, chief marketing officer of Pontera, a fintech company helping people retire better, suggests that if you don't know where to start preparing for your retirement, hiring a professional is the best way to get up to speed.
"We can't overlook that women are busy. They are often shouldering more at-home chores and child care on top of their professional careers," Zheng said. "Nearly one-third of Americans have a financial advisor who can help them best plan for their retirement goals."
How to Prepare for Retirement after 50
If you haven't put considerable thought toward your retirement plan, today is the best time to start. Following are tips frequently offered by financial planners:
Take advantage of new laws: When you sit down to discuss your financial future with an advisor, ask if you are eligible for catch-up contributions."Catch-up contributions allow individuals ages 50+ to bypass limits on the amounts they may contribute to retirement plans and make 'catch-up' contributions to increase their retirement savings," Lauren Wybar, Senior Wealth Advisor with Vanguard Personal Advisor Services said.Thankfully, for women who've fallen behind in their contributions, the SECURE Act 2.0, which President Biden signed in December 2022, will increase the catch-up contribution limit for plan participants who reach ages 60 to 63 by the end of the tax year in question, starting in 2025.Save, save, save: Create a financial retirement roadmap that includes a timeline for your retirement, including how you will address debt elimination and savings between now and your retirement date.Women should prioritize paying off monthly expenses and debt that accrues interest — credit-card debt, for example — before setting aside a percentage of their income for savings and investments. According to Sabbia, 10% is a good target, but every little bit counts."They should create a plan that matches any unique circumstances, revisit it often, and make course corrections along the way," Sabbia said.Turn longevity into an asset: In addition to planning for retirement as early as possible, women should capitalize on tax-efficient and employer-sponsored saving plans, such as a 401(k) and Health Savings Accounts (HSA), to qualify for their employer match."If possible, we encourage women to work longer and maximize Social Security and pension benefits," Sabbia said. If you can afford it, the power of time is a valuable asset.Invest wisely: For first-time investors, a diversified, low-risk portfolio can be a powerful way to earn additional income well into retirement because it provides a path for growing wealth once you're no longer working. It's never too late to start investing, but the sooner you start, the better.For newcomers, Sabbia recommends first learning the basics. "Investing doesn't have to be complex; building confidence always starts with learning the fundamentals," she said.With the right planning and focus today, an active, fulfilling and exciting retirement is possible tomorrow.


Retirement Savings Gender Gap Is Growing

Rachel Leland

Ours was always a difficult relationship, but in the last two years of my mother's life, the full brunt of her criticism became unbearable. To preserve my emotional well-being, I set firm boundaries. I cut back on calling, limited face-to-face contact, and scheduled visits when at least one of my siblings was present.
"My brothers understood. They agreed to take on the role of primary caregivers and immediately did what any effective team leader does – they delegated."Friends who had been primary caregivers schooled me. I would need to buck up and prepare to care for my mother as she became more dependent. I should think about quitting my job – I was close to retirement anyway – so I could attend to her needs. 
Then, I would know I had done the right thing when she died.
Why did being a daughter presume the job of primary caregiver would fall to me?
"I may let my brothers handle things," I would tell them. "She gets along with them, and things will go more smoothly if they're in charge.""But you're the girl, and the oldest," said a friend with three brothers. "And besides, brothers won't step up."
My friends may have wanted to deliver a strong dose of reality, but I bristled. Having relocated following my husband's retirement, I lived nearly three hours away, but the emotional toll would have been too significant even if I had stayed closer. 
And why did being a daughter presume the job of primary caregiver would fall to me?
My mother had always been more at ease with my brothers, and her interactions with them were more pleasant than with my sister, the youngest, and me. As she aged, our relationships with her solidified.
A Demanding Mom 
When my sister and I discussed the importance of wearing a mask, hiring a contractor to make home repairs, or trying out a cleaning service, she shut us down or collapsed in angry tears at our perceived "bullying." 
Eventually, we gave up, leaving those discussions to our brothers. Assisted living was out of the question, as even our brothers could not persuade her to make that move after our father's death in early 2021. 
Instead, she demanded they visit weekly for doctor's visits, home maintenance, or, more frequently, emergency room visits for feelings of anxiety, which her physician had repeatedly told her were not, in fact, emergencies.
They would take turns alerting their teams, leave their offices, and drive the 90 minutes, only to sit in the ER for hours. When we spoke on the phone, I could hear the exhaustion in their voices.
I understood. I knew how exasperating she could be. But we were all concerned. A 96-year-old woman, frail, with limited mobility, lonely and deeply depressed, something needed to change.
Leading and Delegating
Unlike my siblings, I was nearing retirement and could work from home. Moving in with my mother, or staying with her for extended periods, would have solved the problem. But my mental well-being was at stake, and I couldn't do it. 
They agreed to take on the role of primary caregivers and immediately did what any effective team leader does – they delegated.
My brothers understood. They agreed to take on the role of primary caregivers and immediately did what any effective team leader does – they delegated.
"Can you please help me," read an early Sunday morning text from my brother, who was sitting in the ER with my mother. She felt anxious and demanded he leave a golf tournament.
"She's driving me crazy. We need to look into getting her some help."
"I'm on it," I texted back. "Give me a couple of days." Instead, it took me 48 hours to research and interview care services, sign an agreement with one, and schedule an initial nurse assessment. 
Then, I reported back to my brothers and asked for more work. This I could do and wanted to do. I was helping my siblings, easing their frustration and making their lives easier.
Freed from the dictates of gender roles, we could assume the tasks that spoke to our temperaments, circumstances and skills. My brothers took turns attending to my mother, slowly breaking through her resistance to twice-weekly in-home care while my sister called her to check in. 
Meanwhile, I managed contracting, scheduling and planning caregiving visits. I spoke regularly with care coordinators, contacted county senior service agencies to get her to and from the doctors, and investigated state motor vehicle requirements for retesting older adults. 
I also began exploring senior apartments that would move her closer to my siblings, making it easier for them to stop by frequently. Again, I marveled at our teamwork. 
As adults, we had always been friendly, if not incredibly close, but we each shared a strong work ethic, successful business careers, and a no-fuss "get the job done" approach to life. 
My brothers were among the best I had ever worked with as team leaders – straightforward, communicative and always ready to brainstorm. Would a senior apartment make sense? Should we revisit assisted living? And gracious, thanking me before moving on to the next job.
Collaboration Instead Of Sacrifice 
Research shows that most primary caregivers of older parents are women, and 43% say they get no help from siblings. Women grow frustrated and angry when siblings don't step up, and brothers are often implicated as being the least helpful. 
Research shows that most primary caregivers of elderly parents are women, and 43% say they get no help from siblings.
That said, women can be susceptible to the pull of gender roles, including the belief that only we can do the job properly and we can do it all. For my brothers, there was no internal struggle, no talk of sacrifice. 
They knew from the outset that caregiving was not a one- or even two-person job, and responsibilities needed to be delegated to their sisters and professional care services. 
They requested help, like a good boss, with clear deliverables, timelines and gratitude. Nevertheless, their "management style" ran counter to that of my friends, who resented uninvolved siblings, yet never questioned gender expectations and rarely, if ever, asked for help.
For my sister and I, allowing gender to dictate would have had severe consequences. So instead, we assumed responsibilities that we could accomplish effectively without undue hardship on my emotional and, in my sister's case (a single woman with a new job), financial well-being.
Ultimately, there were no lopsided responsibilities, upended lives or simmering resentments. Rather, we all contributed to improving our mother's life while respecting and caring for each other. And our shared purpose and camaraderie drew us closer than at any point in our lives. 
We never needed senior apartments or assisted living. My mother died quickly and painlessly at home, as she had wanted. 
While I would have wished for a closer relationship with her, my decision to maintain my boundaries, even in the end, helped make it possible for me to embrace what it was I could do to make the last weeks of my mother's life safer and more comfortable while opening space in my heart to forgive wholeheartedly.


What My Brothers Taught Me About Caregiving and Gender Roles

Patricia Garrison

There is power in talking openly about mental health and mental illness. Featuring expert insight and personal stories, find support and resources on how to challenge stigma and rethink mental health as we age.

The Retirement Gap is a real-life problem. Learn how to prepare for whatever retirement may look like for you.

Growing a business means managing change. Read how entrepreneurs like you have done just that and found resources to succeed.

Nationwide workshops and festivals offer community for aging artists

Talking About It: Aging and Mental Health

Perceptions on Wealth in Retirement

Navigating Change

Art + Aging in Community