Facing the Suicide of an Adult Child
Enormous guilt and feelings of failure are part of grieving when a child is lost to suicide. Realize you are not alone and that many parents are dealing with this grief.
Pam was puzzled when she saw her daughter's name, Ellie, come up on her cell phone. This call was too soon, unlike the usual silence between the two after a blow-up. The call ended with Pam ambushing Ellie's idea to buy a genetic testing kit arguing it would only add to Ellie's heavy debt. That was the last time Pam spoke to Ellie. Ellie was twenty-nine years old when she took her life in 2016.
The death of a child is painful and traumatic. The grief of parents after an adult child's death by suicide can be more devastating and carries additional afflictions. Parents attempt to make sense of the situation that has disrupted the natural order of things and obliterated long-held hopes and dreams of life in retirement.
Even if life with that child was sometimes horrible, the future was hopeful. The expected grandchildren and the treasured friendship with their adult child, when they could reflect upon how their relationship was so strong despite years of infighting, vanished. A child's suicide is associated with negative bias. Immense guilt and feelings of failure as a parent complicate their ability to refocus and find a reason to live again. Ultimately, parents must realize that they are changed forever and must choose to live or die.
At the funeral, Pam met people for the first time, good people that Ellie knew. How could Ellie have made this decision when so many good people thought highly of her?
Making Sense of the Situation
Pam operated on autopilot as her mind echoed, Ellie will never walk this earth again. The reality she had known for the past twenty-nine years was no more. Agony, yearning and emptiness were her new reality.
Pam imagined that Ellie's pain just became too much to tolerate, and maybe drugs or alcohol boosted this awful decision. Pam reasoned that this was probably the case because Ellie was brilliant and would have considered that this decision would destroy her father, grandparents and siblings. At the funeral, Pam met people for the first time, good people that Ellie knew. She wondered; how could Ellie have made this decision when so many good people thought highly of her?
Ellie had it far from easy during her young life, dealing with her parents' divorce, bullying in grade school, a violent break-up with a man she truly loved, inability to find a job after college, addiction to Xanax, and claiming bankruptcy. Ellie had been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Pam later discovered that these were only a few horrific events that poisoned Ellie's life.
According to a study by Tal Young et al. published in Dialogues in Neuroscience, parents are often unaware of all the factors and events that lead their child to die by suicide. The authors explain that most people who die by suicide are battling a psychiatric illness. They hide their pain from others and cannot think clearly and rationally. The pain becomes unbearable despite the best efforts of professionals who treated the person and their loved ones who tried to support them during their suffering.
In a Washington Post article, Christina Liparini, a licensed psychologist, offers that all-out investigations by contacting the coroner and psychologist and obtaining hospital records are often useless. She adds that most parents never find the exact cause or what could have prevented it. This adds to the absolute torture of "when you have a child die by suicide, you just don't know."
It is difficult for parents to understand that they must face their children's mortality. To accept the opposite becomes almost impossible. And when it does happen, it becomes a "searing tragedy." Parents have made an investment and worked, sacrificed, and hoped for years to ensure the well-being of their children. With their child's suicide, this is all seen to be in vain. There is no longer hope for the grandchildren that may have been born.
Loss of an Adult Friendship with the Child
Pam did have a semblance of this relationship with Ellie. Sometimes, she found Ellie to have a witty sense of humor. She valued her opinion and loved her sense of style. Pam yearned for this relationship.
As children grow into adults, it is not uncommon for them to develop friendships with their parents. "Many parents acknowledge that the relationship with adult children evolves into a deeper connection, a friendship, unlike a friendship with peers." The friendship built on past trials and tribulations cannot materialize.
Dealing with Negative Bias
When Pam returned to work, she felt others were talking behind her back about her daughter's suicide. Pam could not say, 'she committed suicide'; it was easier to say, 'she took her own life'. Although work did offer some refuge from the tormented thoughts of missing her daughter, Pam had to quit her job.
Suicide is stigmatized. Stigma can prevent survivors from dealing with their grief and lead to isolation. They realize that others may be uncomfortable with suicide and could have rejected it in their belief system. This predicament leads to a delay in accepting the death and prevents them from talking about it.
Although work did offer some refuge from the tormented thoughts of missing her daughter, Pam had to quit her job.
Many parents would automatically turn to their religion for comfort and guidance, but some religions seem to penalize the bereavement and burial of those who have died by suicide.
Pam was one of the lucky ones. Her pastor consoled and comforted her as he delivered a sympathetic homily at the funeral. Pam also received a card from a nun that read, "Your loved one is resting in the arms of Jesus." As pictured on the card, Pam visually substituted Ellie's body in Jesus's arms. This card displayed on the mantel provided months of comfort for Pam. Ellie's gravestone contains this phrase.
Pam felt the stigma but was determined not to make how Ellie died, Ellie's legacy. Since 2016, Pam has stood before the faculty and senior class at Ellie's high school and told them who Ellie was. Pam set up a scholarship in Ellie's name. Ellie liked to write and wrote several articles on controversial topics. The scholarship guidelines were to create a well-written paper on a controversial topic.
Negative bias is challenging, but survivors must realize they are not alone. There are parents worldwide suffering the same loss. Suicide is among the top ten leading causes of death among all age groups. Adults aged thirty-five to sixty-four account for 46.8% of all suicides in the United States. Suicide is the eighth leading cause of death for this age group. In 2021, suicide was among the top nine leading causes of death for people ages 10 to 64. Suicide was the second leading cause of death for people ages 10 to 14 and 20 to 34.
Immense Guilt
Pam explained guilt frequently came to visit her after Ellie's death. A voice in her head chanted, how could you not see this coming, and what good are you?
Enormous guilt and feelings of failure are part of grieving when a child is lost to suicide. This grief is unfair, tricky and irrational. According to the Washington Post article, Lynn Hughes, founder of a bereavement organization, "your brain starts tricking you and deceiving you into a dark place." This article points out that parents feel they should be able to protect their children from harm and torture themselves, wondering how they could have prevented it.
Parents wonder what they could have done differently to prevent the suicide; they want to know how they contributed to it and how their child made that decision. Parents become trapped in the "if only" cycle and become obsessed with all the experiences they had with their child that may have contributed to the suicide.
Parents wonder what they could have done differently to prevent the suicide; they want to know how they contributed to it and how their child made that decision.
Another article published in The International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health conveys that parents often feel they can control their children's circumstances. But one father realized that all people have free will, including his son, whom he lost to suicide. He realized that some things are out of a parent's control and his son's life was not his to control.
Marcia Gelman Resnick writes in her article, How I Survived the Suicide of my Son, "know you did the best that you could. We would give our own lives to get our children back. It was not within our control. Taking one's life is not a rational decision."
After So Much Suffering, Parents Are More Vulnerable
A study published in JAMA Psychiatry found that parents who lost a child to suicide had more than double the rates of physician-diagnosed depression. There was an increase in anxiety as well as other mental health disorders. Survivors of suicide are at higher risk of suicide and suicidal ideation than others who have suffered the loss of a loved one due to another cause. They are at higher risk for developing complicated grief, prolonged and distressing grief when a person can not function normally or accept living in a world without their loved one. They are more prone to developing depression and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Seven years after Ellie's suicide, Pam still struggles. Seeing grandparents with their grandchildren and adult daughters with their mother at church is sobering.
The study showed increased divorce after the loss of a child to suicide. The study found an association between being a suicidal bereaved parent and cardiovascular disease, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, hypertension, diabetes, and outpatient physician appointments for physical and mental illness.
A Decision to Live
- Realize coping with the suicide of an adult child is a journey and will last the rest of your life. It will require adaptation.
- Realize that you are not alone. Many parents are dealing with this grief.
- Do not be ashamed or embarrassed by a child’s death by suicide. Often, they have a mental illness, which is the same as someone dying from cancer or another disease.
- Plan for holidays and have alternate methods depending on how you are feeling.
- It’s okay to smile and laugh. It’s not necessary to prove to anyone how miserable you are.
- Get the help you need. Join a bereavement group. Talk to a counselor. Self-disclosure has been linked to coping and adaptive functioning. Some resources are:
- Practice Self-forgiveness. This act will ease feelings of shame and guilt and can result in coping and adaptive functioning. Care for yourself.
- Cherish memories. Spend time with your child’s friends, discussing their good times together.
- To keep their memory alive, some parents have established memorial funds, created scholarships, donated to charities, planted trees or become involved with helping others. Such acts keep the memory of their child alive.
Seven years after Ellie's suicide, Pam still struggles. Seeing grandparents with their grandchildren and adult daughters with their mother at church is sobering. The guilt and what-ifs still raise their ugly heads, although not to the depth they once were. Pam knows she is different and, for the most part, likes her new self. She focuses on how to make a positive impact in this world by easing the pain of others. Pam demonstrates compassion for those dealing with mental health disorders and substance abuse, making sure others feel accepted. She says for now, she can cope; for now, she can go on.
