Five Steps for Caregivers to Gain Better Control of Their Emotions and Stress
Finding support and building resilience are essential
"When my father has doctor appointments, I have to allow plenty of time for him to relax in between the tasks needed to get him ready to go, because he tires so easily," Melissa notes in an exasperated manner. She is referring to the shower, meal, dressing and walk to the car to get her father to his medical appointments.
"Taking him to the doctor [might mean] waking him up at 8 a.m. for a 1 p.m. appointment. When we get home, he's usually hungry again, so it's time for another meal. And I have to make sure he takes his medicine before the whole day is gone."
When Melissa (name changed for privacy) describes how taking her father to the doctor becomes a multitude of tasks, it is easy to see how hard it can be for her to take care of herself, too. Melissa's story is a familiar one for many family caregivers, an increasingly common job title around the world.
Melissa is married, but she spends little time with her husband since moving in full time with her father. Her weeks consist of full-time care. Weekends are consumed with cleaning and daily care. She gets little sleep, but she is the only family member willing to care for her father. "As a caregiver, you gotta do what you gotta do, right?" Melissa asks.
Thankfully, Melissa finds solace in spending time with friends when she can. Still, her daily load is overwhelming. Like all overwhelmed family caregivers, her risk of burning out is great.
Craig Dike, Psy.D., says burnout happens when caregivers go from putting in too much effort to hardly being able to put in any effort at all. We stop feeling energetic and start feeling drained and helpless. We move from the physical toll of caregiving to the emotional toll. The relationship we had with the person receiving care is disappearing and becoming simply a caregiving relationship.
How do caregivers carve out a routine that gives them greater resilience and reduces the risk of burnout?
"Dr. Jamie" Huysman, PsyD, LCSW, a trauma-certified caregiving expert with the Caregiver SOS program, coined the term, "Take Your Oxygen First" in the New York Times bestseller he wrote with Leeza Gibbons and Dr. Rosemary Laird. Take Your Oxygen First refers to the need to take care of yourself before you can meet the needs of others.
Dr. Jamie says, "A caregiver's health and healing all boil down to befriending their neurological systems." In other words, we should get in touch with our own emotional health and stress levels. Actively working to "emotionally self-regulate and socialize with healthy people in support groups, supportive friendships and non-toxic communities will help us to develop the necessary resilience for the journey ahead."
He has five "emotional self-regulating priorities" that can help caregivers build resilience:
- Make time for fun and interesting care. Brainstorm a list of self-care activities that make you happy, and schedule them as part of your daily routine.
- Be kind to yourself. You are doing your best, and that’s what counts.
- Make restorative sleep a priority. Studies have found that sleep and mental health are connected.
- Limit your screen time. Less social media can actually mean more “real” connections and reduce feelings of depression and anxiety.
- Learn and accept more about mental health. One of the best ways to improve your mental health is to understand it.
To make these priorities a part of your caregiving life may mean giving up something to make room for something else.
Start small. Resist the urge to match socks when doing laundry. Let the vacuuming go and replace it with listening to a favorite song or sitting for five minutes to soak up some sun.
If you give up the screen time, you might have time to go to bed earlier. Even if becoming a caregiver was not your choice, you can still make choices about how you focus your thoughts. Make a care plan for yourself and enjoy the precious minutes you call your own.
The WellMed Charitable Foundation offers a variety of programs that directly serve older adults and their caregivers across Texas, New Mexico and Florida with a special emphasis on wellness, prevention and living with chronic illness. In addition, the foundation has contributed millions to non-profit partners who also serve this population.
