Date Nights Keep Relationships Fresh
Listening is the key to planning the perfect evening
It's not always easy to plan a great date early in a relationship, but I was hopeful I'd collected enough information about her to nail it. When I saw a tear sliding down her cheek, marking a trail through her foundation, I knew I'd pulled it off.
Waiting until I was almost 50 to acknowledge that I was gay was a life-changing experience.
When it comes to planning great dates, I've found that the key is listening. In the beginning, we listen for clues about what they might like, and later, when we've been together for years, for clues that will allow us to puff oxygen on a waning ember.
Waiting until I was almost 50 to acknowledge that I was gay was a life-changing experience, as you can imagine. I had all but given up on finding true love, so I was surprised by the rush of emotions I experienced the first time I met my future partner at work.
We started as friends initially, but I found myself utterly attracted to her. As irrational as it sounds, early on, I was convinced we were destined to spend the rest of our lives together. While we both felt an almost immediate connection, she was initially cautious. As a mother of three teenagers and in the middle of a divorce, my life was complicated, and I couldn't fault her for being hesitant. I wasn't about to give up, though, because I believed she was the one I'd been searching for.
I strategically and relentlessly pursued her, hoping to find the key to unlock her heart. As we talked, I listened intently to her hopes and her fears. Like a safecracker straining to hear the tumbler clicks falling into place, I paid attention, excited to expose the treasures inside this beautiful woman.
Our past experiences can cloud our feelings, and we might find that we don't trust our buoyancy enough to jump into the dating pool.
Once, before our friendship progressed into relationship territory, I sensed she was conflicted, and I could tell she was pulling back. In an effort to be respectful, I wrote her a long letter telling her how I felt about her and that I would give her space to decide how she wanted to proceed. I taped the note to her door while she was at work and attempted to wait patiently. I've never been stellar at delayed gratification, so it was a struggle to pause and wait.
Later that night, when I hadn't heard back, I texted her to ensure she received my letter. But in all transparency, a text saying, "Just making sure you received my letter," was code for, "I'm going crazy waiting for you to decide if you like me enough to date me."
Most of us have heard the old proverb, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" (Proverbs 13:12), and I can tell you that my heart was indeed sick as I waited for my longing to be fulfilled. Fortunately, I didn't have to wait long.
When she agreed to date me, I was ecstatic. As we get older, the stakes feel higher regarding dating. Our past experiences can cloud our feelings, and we might find that we don't trust our buoyancy enough to jump into the dating pool. Even if we are ready to jump in, it's hard not to rush things because, after all, we aren't getting any younger.
As she and I started cautiously dating, I saw it as an opportunity to send a tangible message that said, "You're safe with me. I'm listening, and I hear and value you." Rather than focusing on trying to display the best version of myself, I listened and absorbed everything I could about what she wanted and needed in a relationship.
We both worked in health care back then and had demanding and, at times, exhausting careers. After a particularly challenging week, I decided to plan an extravagant, meaningful and relaxing date.
We spent many a Friday night out with friends, so I secretly created a surprise at-home evening at her place. I spent several days reading recipes and planning the perfect meal. I set out to design an intimate and decadent ambiance. I was so excited I was almost giddy.
On the day of our date, I picked up two beautiful place settings from World Market, created a romantic playlist, picked up flowers and bought the groceries I needed. A few hours before she got off work, I transformed her home into a fancy restaurant complete with candles, flowers, a sign on the door and a table set for two by the fireplace. I lined the walkway to her front door with luminaires and waited patiently for her to arrive (who am I kidding? There was nothing patient about my wait).
She was stunned when she walked into her house and took it all in. Her senses were overwhelmed by the lavish table setting, sensual music and the scent of delicious filet medallions in garlic and red wine sauce.
Planning meaningful dates became even more challenging when my partner and I retired two years ago. We are always together, so it's challenging to consider things like going out to eat on a date.
When she turned toward me, I saw her tears and heard her whisper, "No one has ever done anything like this for me before." Mission accomplished, I thought.
I worked hard to plan meaningful dates during those early months together. But I found that as our relationship progressed, the easier it was for dates to get lost in the shuffle of doing life together. Planning meaningful dates became even more challenging when my partner and I retired two years ago. We are always together, so it's challenging to consider things like going out to eat on a date.
Growing stagnant in a relationship can happen quietly without anyone noticing. Whether it's busyness or challenging life circumstances, it's easy to stop creating romance. I'm finding that relationships require intentional action to keep them healthy, growing and intimate.
When my love and I drift into stagnant water or feel disengaged from one another, we try to do something out of the ordinary. Whether going to a new restaurant in a nearby town or visiting someplace scenic for a hike, we find that shaking up our routine helps us keep things fresh.
One of our favorite ways to do that is by arranging a date night where we come prepared with a few unique questions to ask each other. Many online resources, such as The Adventure Challenge, have excellent date night questions and activities. It amazes me that something as simple as asking an unusual question or two acts like oxygen and reignites our spark.
Listening to my partner and picking up on what she needs has been helpful for planning great dates both early on and later in our relationship. Maintaining a healthy, fun and growing relationship takes a bit of work, but the results are well worth it.
