Is There a Time When It's Too Late to Deal With Trauma?

Many of us have past trauma in our lives. According to the National Council for Mental Wellbeing, 70% of adults in the U.S. have experienced at least one traumatic incident. These traumas are of differing levels of intensity; some we've sat with and come to terms with, and some we've managed to relegate to a distant corner of our psyches to address on a future day. 

For myself, I wonder if there will come a time when stirring up long-ago feelings will do more harm than good; when I'll be better off just leaving the proverbial sleeping dogs alone; dormant and quiet and not growling at my heels.

I feel that I've managed my trauma okay (I'm 53); that I've found a way to put it in a place where it has little effect on present-day me. 

I could be fooling myself. But I'm wary of digging up the past. I remember the existence of a particular string of events and vaguely recall them happening. Still, it is through a hazy lens that makes it difficult to believe they are about me — which is, according to science, classic disassociation, one of our innate protective mechanisms.

I believe we all have demons after a certain age. I don't mean demons as in "sprung straight from hell" but rather, the kind of demon that emerges from fear, moroseness, anger, shame, betrayal, regret or a combination of those things – the vastness of which have shaped me as an adult. 

Especially in the way I navigate relationships (of any kind). I am not, as they say, much of a "people person." I have "trust issues." I have issues. But I'm also excellent at compartmentalization (also a defense mechanism). I can build a wall so high and thick that I can't get through or over it.

In response to my question about "letting sleeping dogs lie," Charles Figley, Ph.D., Kurzweg Distinguished Chair and Professor in Disaster Mental Health at Tulane University, immediately answered, "nope." Figley works with many combat veterans who have seen and been through comparatively worse things than me. But trauma is subjective to the individual. As a dear friend long ago once told me, "You can't compare pain."

Trauma is a lasting emotional response from living through an intensely distressing event. According to Jameca Woody Cooper, Ph.D., licensed psychologist, trauma can be described as a significant event or series of events that happened in our past. What she means by significant is scary, medically, physically or emotionally harmful.

According to Figley (and unsurprisingly), it just builds up. A new study published in August 2023 showed that trauma in our youth could lead to physical and cognitive impairments in our old age. 

Figley told me that every single client he's had that has delayed and avoided dealing with an issue knows there's something there, but they don't want to focus on it. They focus on literally anything else. As a master of avoidance, I understand this tactic is flawed.

Though how we deal with trauma and how it affects us hinges on our self-awareness, Woody Cooper explained, saying when we don't address it head-on, remnants will surface in various ways that include mental health issues like anxiety or depression, sleep issues (nightmares, thoughts or memories that keep you awake), relationship issues, chronic pain and work issues.

Figley said that, of course, some people have lived their lives without working through their trauma, instead putting it away somewhere in their minds. A study published in 2022 found that the development of PTSD was 7.1% lower in people who had a repressing coping style (Score one for us repressors).

"And they are okay," Figley said, "I mean, I'm a trauma specialist, but you can live with trauma. If you're able to place it in a particular place in your memory, then that's swell." The thing, he continued, is that only some people can do that. 

To get rid of it involves what Figley describes as "burrowing down" to focus on the consequences of that event and how your life changed because of it. But, he added, people need to judge whether they want to go further in.

"As practitioners, we have to follow what the client wants," he said.

Many of us (and this includes me) insist we have dealt sufficiently with our trauma when, perhaps, in reality, we haven't. Woody Cooper told me, "Yes, I hear that from time to time, and sometimes that means they've denied it." And denial and dealing are not the same, no matter how often we tell ourselves they are.

"But," continued Woody Cooper, "If they say something like; I've done a lot of journaling, meditation; been to therapy, then that's a different story."

Figley said that half of the combat veterans he's counseled haven't even tried to address the trauma issues in their life because of concerns that they may lose control. But then something happens, maybe the death of a good friend their age, and that's enough to motivate them.

Figley is wary of trying to coax people into bringing up their trauma if they're not willing participants. "It's a conundrum. Practitioners have talked about this for a long time, and theorists have as well," he said. "And we have strategies for bringing it up with people who are kidding themselves that they have managed it because they blocked it out. But I haven't heard any really great outcomes from it." 

Essentially, you have to make your own decision about wanting to invite those demons out to play or to tea. They are your demons, after all.

Woody Cooper said that one of the most beneficial things you can do on your own (whether or not you also see a psychologist or therapist) is to journal. If you want to talk to a professional, find a psychologist specializing in mood disorders like depression or trauma.

"Also," said Figley, "Don't be shy or at all concerned about being picky." Ask the practitioner to explain their approach to finding and uncovering past trauma and informing you about the consequences of the discovery and the road forward.

One of the concerns people have regarding trauma is the fear of being unable to cope if they lose control while confronting said trauma. I certainly have that fear. I worry that I'll break apart and be unable to put myself back together.

"Working with a psychologist will give the individual tools to help them cope with having negative thoughts or regulating their emotions," explained Woody Cooper. These tools include the above mentioned journaling and mindfulness, meditation and daily affirmations.

The abilities of our complex human brains are astounding, especially when it comes to dealing with adversity. Even research shows that human resilience should never be underestimated.

Most of us understand that we suppress traumatic events because they are painful and overwhelming, but when we finally decide, it's time to excavate. Perhaps, that can be an equally fantastic thing. 

There are various ways of processing trauma, including prolonged exposure, which involves talking about your fears and gradually exposing yourself to them; cognitive processing theory, wherein you rewrite the negative thoughts and rigid belief system that can cloud your present-day actions. 

There's also something called "eye movement desensitization and reprocessing," where you process memories of the traumatic event while focusing on a sound, feeling or image on a screen.

Woody Cooper explained that as suppressed memories gradually emerge, we'll likely feel relief, terror, liberation and fear. The important thing is to remind ourselves that what happened took place in the past, and we are now in the present. We're okay. And stronger. Though the consequences of trauma are lasting, it is never too late to address it.

When we finally face the trauma in our past, we can feel clearer and happier (even if we've never necessarily seen ourselves as "unhappy").

"Everything makes more sense," said Figley, "It doesn't make perfect sense, but more sense."

And that is perhaps as much as any of us can ask for and enough of a reason to deal with our trauma. At least, I think so.

Vanessa Nirode is a freelance journalist who covers wellness, tv/film culture, outdoor adventure, travel, and cycling for Hearst, HuffPost, PopSci, Vulture, BBC Travel, Threads, and others. She’s also a pattern maker and tailor for film and television, but she’d rather ride her bicycle most of the time. Read More