Consider Resetting Your Friendships

Social science investigation has proven that strong relationships are primary for investing in and maintaining a happy life. More than money, academic credentials or social class, the strength of personal bonds is the most figural determinant of satisfaction and fulfillment in daily living. 

There is ample research documenting that people who are more socially connected live longer and are more protected against stress, depression and declines in memory and language than those who complain of chronic loneliness and isolation.

The pandemic shutdown altered the nature of social circles and personal kinship. We were forced to make connections in the best ways possible with less in-person contact. Now as the demands of social distancing lessen, most of us find the rules for friendship have subtly, but profoundly, changed. 

One woman said, "I'm still trying to figure out what this new normal looks like. I'm having to learn what it means to show up, engage and be involved with other people. I feel like I've lost social skills and am more awkward than I ever thought about being in groups with friends. My social staying power for being with others takes a lot of energy."

She, like so many of us, felt an incredible sense of relief as the pandemic shutdown rules loosened.  It came as a surprise that the virtual realities of Zoom and social media sites do not translate into flesh-and-blood connections. 

Dr. Bob Waldinger, in his book "The Good Life: Lessons from the World's Longest Study of Happiness," said in the New York Times' 7-Day Happiness Challenge, "A friendship requires 'social fitness,' which is as crucial as physical fitness. Our social lives are living systems and need exercise. Neglected relationships can atrophy, like muscles." 

The definition of social fitness encompasses the bonds with family, friends, romantic partners and community groups. It also involves friendly conversation with that next, less personal circle of people with whom we come in contact, like the postal carrier, pharmacist and the grocery counter clerk.

With some work, social skills return. One fellow said, "I don't know any more whether to shake hands or fist bump. Work has taken me back into the office, but it still doesn't feel natural to go to lunch with anyone else. 

There are changes in every area of my life. There are so many examples: I am now accustomed to attending church from home. When people ask me where I go, I laugh and tell them I am an active member of Saint Mattress. During the pandemic, I played golf — against myself — as my primary exercise. I'm back competing on a tennis team now. Overall, I stay frustrated that things haven't bounced back like they were before."

The disruption of in-person interactions, especially in larger gatherings, does require more emotional labor. For most, this requires patience, pacing and increased stamina, not unlike the physical training experienced during a return to a lost exercise program.

Fortunately, there is no right number of friends. It is the quality of relationships, not quantity, which begs for discernment. Nor does a person need to be an extrovert to improve social fitness.

While adult friendships require effort, improved social connections are not out of reach for those who are shy or introverted. Smaller groups, in more controlled settings (like a book group or hiking club), yield similar results as moving in larger, more anonymous group settings.

Another fellow said, "There is a near constant stream of doom and gloom in the news these days.  Everyone seems to feel entitled and demanding. 'It's my way or no way' seems to be the rule of the road. I want to be with friends, but I don't want to hash out politics and inflation with nearly anyone sitting around the table. I'm afraid I'm not good at conversation anymore."

In a similar vein, a psychotherapy client discussed her efforts to be involved with less welcomed social relationships with others. "There is a woman I know who considers me a good friend, but spending time with her is difficult and seldom joyful. She is depressed, and I'm struggling finding ways to be with her. I don't want to be insincere, but I'm not finding this mutual. What should I do?"

Social science research says that most people choose to identify with, rather than against, their group. The finding suggests that finding familiar threads of prosocial perceptions of connection to the common good will yield an enhanced sense of collegiality. A healthy balanced social connection should feel like a give-and-take of mutual respect. 

There are practical and concrete ways to practice, refine and regain social acuity.

• Take stock of personal relationships. Ask yourself, “Who is in my life?  Who have I missed?  Who are my ‘peeps’? Who would I like to meet face-to-face, rather than just follow on facebook and Instagram?” Make a list.
• Take the small step of a phone conversation with those on the list. Initially, limit calls to ten minutes, and talk briefly about real, small things, such as upcoming birthday plans, a parent’s health or the latest book of interest. Listen carefully to the sound and music of the friend’s voice. Listening is as important as what we say. Those brief in-person interactions can help us to feel good for a long time, as we are hard-wired to connect.
• Practice conversations in public. Ask open-ended questions to others, which encourages people to share stories instead of responding with one-word answers.
• Return to small groups for interaction. Familiarity helps. Go to places and events that are previously known. Expect difference and acknowledge the group’s changes with curiosity instead of irritation. Even when the group is different, look for the points of contact. As one woman said, “I started volunteering again rocking babies in the NICU of the regional children’s hospital. There were different health and safety rules that were frustrating. I told the nursing supervisor, “Just tell me the rules; I can follow them as long as I know what they are.”’

A friendship reset works most effectively by following the Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."  

This means stepping outside of a self-referential point of view and opening to others in companionable, rather than demanding, ways. Friendships range widely in their strength, intensity, and intimacy. Friendship requires standing side by side and not always close together. The pruning of relationships is normal and a hidden benefit of the return of post-pandemic world of friendships. We are able to dial back on those that are more taxing in order to spend more time with people who are enjoyable and engaging. The new normal gives us a trajectory for prosocial activities.           

The old commercial that encouraged us to "reach out and touch someone" is true. It is the unexpected reach-outs that others appreciate more than we expect.

Jackson Rainer is a board-certified clinical psychologist practicing with CHRIS 180 Counseling Center DeKalb in Atlanta. He may be contacted at [email protected]. Read More