'My Mom Is 99' — Coping Advice for Adult Children of Super Agers

My mother is about to turn 99. My pal Laura's mother-in-law is 95, and Mary's dad is – what? – 93? 94? More and more of us boomers are finding ourselves blessed with Energizer bunny-like parents, who just keep going and going.

According to the Census, the 95+ age group grew a whopping 48.6% over the last decade studied, so extremely long-lived elders are becoming more common. And there's a surprising number of these folks who are Super Agers, or close to it – meaning those that retain much of their cognitive and physical abilities well into (dare I say it?) old age.

Those of us who have undeniably old parents are in a special club, with a unique set of blessings, challenges, and intense anxieties. Hooray, we get to have them in our lives as we manage midlife, grandparenthood and all the rest.

But then again, what if they refuse to use a walker when they so obviously need one? Should we get them an Alexa ... would it keep them company? Do we let them know their neighbor died or hide the truth so as not to upset them?

It's a tricky situation to parent one's parent, and, as a mother or father gets increasingly old and frail, it can take some considerable time, energy and strategy to know how to make the most of time together. Here's some help.

Odds are, as a parent ages, you become worried about their security on many fronts, with falls looming as a key concern. With elders who are fiercely proud and independent, battles can be waged about using a cane or walker. No one wants to see themselves as a stereotypical older adult, hobbling around, but the risk of stumbling and getting seriously injured is real.

This is a common dilemma, says Suzanne Salamon, MD, an assistant professor of medicine at Harvard Medical School and geriatrician, who happens to have her 101-year-old mother living with her. Given that elders have done so well for so long, they may be resistant to relying on these devices. "I can manage!" is a familiar refrain.

If you and your parent are at loggerheads, Salamon advises deferring to a third party, a health care professional. "You could say, 'Let's get a physical therapy consult, and if they feel that you are safe walking without any kind of assistive device, I'll get off your back.'"

Another tactic is to ease them into the idea of having some support. "You can say, 'How about at least in the house, use a walker, and when you go out, maybe use a cane or walking stick?'" says Salamon. "I even have some patients who use those laundry or shopping carts with four wheels for support, because it feels less geriatric."

No doubt, technology can be a lifeline for the very old. I have a friend whose 90-plus dad loves commanding his Alexa to play his favorite Charles Aznavour tunes or tell him the weather. Andrea Miller, a film producer in New York City, says her 104-year-old Super Ager dad regularly uses Zoom to connect with friends and family and chat about the books he's reading and the latest news.

But, yes, there's a downside: The 90+ demographic can be like catnip to scammers, and technology can enable this, from phishing emails to phone calls that are disguised as coming from reputable sources, such as Social Security.

Doug, who works in PR on the East Coast, says he's had to put filters on his almost 95-year-old mother's phone to avoid spam, and he remotes into her computer to scan her email.

"She used to be semi-able to use technology, but that has really declined lately. She bristles at my doing too much for her, but I do need to step in and make sure she isn't falling for scams, which has already happened once," he says. Getting an elder's email log-in details and permission to check their account can be a good move.

Also, as technology gets challenging, know when to cut your losses. If it takes 20 minutes to get a parent logged into a Zoom call when you only have an hour free – hello? Why not opt for a phone call instead? It's the connection that counts, even if video-free.

Socialization is one of the five leading factors proven to help people live longer, according to Iris Waichler, patient advocate and author of "Role Reversal: How to Take Care of Yourself and Your Aging Parents."

What often happens, however, is that an elder becomes "last man (or woman) standing" in their social circle – everyone else may have died, or their lifelong best friend may have a diagnosis of advanced dementia. (This is my mother's situation, and she remains astounded by her longevity, saying with dark humor that her generation was "raised to believe you'd drop dead on your 70th birthday.")

Take up the challenge of keeping them engaged when their group of friends has been winnowed. Maybe invite the parent to lunch or visit a garden together, says Waichler. If a grandchild is in a school play, perhaps they can attend.

Doug and his wife take his mother out once a month or so to explore the neighborhood she's lived in for decades and notice the changes – new buildings, a just-opened cafe, the church that's been standing for a hundred years.

Regarding that last bit of advice: Getting to chair yoga, a collaging class or local diner simply may not be possible as minds and bodies age. If your parent can't easily participate, don't get into a tug-of-war over telling them what to do.

Over the years, my mother has taken me up on fewer and fewer offers to go to readings by favorite authors or see the tulips in bloom in the spring. I asked her doctor how hard to press, because I felt it would benefit her to get outside more. Her GP suggested I follow my mom's lead and not let my beliefs about what's best (which could be driven by nostalgia) dictate. "Let her determine her comfort zone," were the words that resonated.

So look for ways to bring the world and mental stimulation to them. Andrea Miller does jigsaws with her dad when she visits. "It's become our thing, doing these 500- or 1,000-piece wooden puzzles together," she says. She also visits to watch big football games on TV with him, and says he's happy any time she turns up with some delicious food to share.

Since my mother can't get around independently anymore, I try to bring the neighborhood to her: I walk through the local park on my way to visit and take photos of the flowers and cute dogs to show her while we chat.

As a parent edges into their 90s and beyond, it's common to wonder how much to rock their world with news of unhappy events. Says one daughter of a 90-plus mother, "I couldn't bring myself to tell her that her favorite nephew had a rare, aggressive cancer and died. I felt it might kill her. When she asks after him, I just say I haven't spoken to him lately but I'm sure he's fine."

Wondering about the wisdom of protecting a parent in this way? "It depends on the condition of the aging parent in terms of their mental health and cognition," says Waichler. "If they have cognitive or memory issues, you don't want to be telling them their nephew died every day or multiple times a day."

But otherwise, she says, honesty is important, especially if you are trying to build a trusting caregiving relationship. "I would tell them the truth in as gentle a way as possible and plan it at a time when you can be there or be available to offer support. This can even bring you closer."

It's a sad fact that the biggest risk factor for dementia is aging. The incidence of dementia among those in their 90s is 18% per year, and for centenarians, it hits 41%. Your friends who lost parents who were, say, in their 60s or 70s may not have faced this kind of cognitive decline. But if your mother or father is living into their 90s and beyond, it's important to stay alert.

Confusion about whether they took their medication on a given day, forgetting to pay the rent or utility bill, and other common signs of decline mean you need to step in – both in terms of things like power of attorney forms and making sure your parent is living in a safe environment.

Says Salamon, "Writing down and keeping track of things like missed payments is important. You can mention it to the doctor, who may not pick up on this kind of memory loss during a quick visit." Having a physician or other health care professional write a brief letter saying they don't believe the person is able to manage their finances or other daily duties anymore can help get power of attorney enacted. That's an important move when you need to become more present in managing their care and money.

This is a bumpy period for you, the adult child, whether you are one of the 17% who directly provides care to a parent or not.

"Adult children grieve twice," says Waichler. "Once as they watch their parent age and change physically, emotionally and cognitively. They then grieve at the time the parent actually dies. Also, the role reversal where adult children increasingly assume more caregiving responsibilities can be difficult."

Recognize those feelings versus trying to brush them away. It can be hard and sad to see your parent's world and abilities shrink. Old issues between the two of you can continue to nag, and you may feel guilt about that. Finding a support group of others in the same situation may help.

If you're feeling overwhelmed by your parent's needs, find ways to take time for yourself, too, whether that means booking a weekend away or taking tango lessons. You need that, both for yourself and to recharge as a caregiver.

And amid the stress, remember to be grateful for the gift of having a parent with you for this much of life's journey.

"It's hard right now to balance my mom's needs with other serious medical situations elsewhere in my family," says Doug. "But there's definitely an upside. My closeness to my mother – talking to her almost daily – has deepened my connection to her personally, for sure, as well as to our shared history."