My Parents Didn’t Plan Ahead. What Can I Do Now?

If your folks didn't save a tidy sum for their "golden years," or make a robust long-term plan — and millions of people haven't, let's be honest — conventional wisdom would say there's not a whole lot you can do.

Take my parents. My mother did plan ahead (as she pointed out recently). My father didn't. Their financial differences were a big reason why they split up 35 years ago. While I take her point — Mom has some savings, while Dad depends on his Veteran's pension and benefits — neither of them built in much room for error.

They certainly never anticipated that my mom's poor health would leave her homebound at 83, or that my father would be frail but still going at 92. Or that my brother and I (and our very supportive spouses) would be in our 50s and at the end of our tether, emotionally and financially, trying to care for them.

So, with nothing to lose, my brother and I decided to try a few unorthodox ideas. These steps won't shore up the long-term care picture entirely, and conventional options (a VA home for my dad, for example) are on the horizon. But here goes.

When it comes to Social Security, what you get is what you get (usually), because your Social Security benefit is based on your earning history. But in some instances, if you qualify, it's possible for the lower-earning spouse (in this case, my dad) to apply for spousal benefits.

Essentially when you claim spousal benefits, your benefit amount would be based on the work history of your higher-earning spouse (a.k.a the worker). If you're eligible, you can get about 50% of the worker's benefit, assuming it's larger than your own.

For many couples, that can give the lower-earning spouse a bigger payout. FYI, the Social Security Administration recognizes same-sex couples; and divorced couples have access to a similar spousal-benefit system (although the parameters are different, so it's best to check the rules and requirements).

At any rate: After contacting the SSA and verifying that my parents hadn't crossed a statute of limitations by being separated for 35 years, it first seemed that my dad might qualify. Unfortunately, in order to meet the criteria for spousal benefits you have to start claiming after your spouse does. Since Dad filed for Social Security many years before Mom did, he's out of the running.

Well, not great news for us — it was a long shot — but possibly a profitable avenue for other couples. A nice perk about these spousal benefits, including benefits for a divorced spouse, is that if you use this strategy it doesn't impact the other spouse's benefit amount at all. While this whole idea was still on the table, my mom was relieved that a) she didn't have to do anything and b) there was no "spousal penalty" that might reduce her monthly check.

This step may not sound so radical, but it has become increasingly important in our family, as things have grown more complicated. In fact, the New Pragmatism started after my brother suggested that Dad move in with him and my sister-in-law, about a year ago. One of the big challenges then, and now, has been what to "charge" Dad.

As I mentioned, Dad has some money, but not much. So at first my brother asked Dad for less than what it actually cost to support him. I mean: Dad's in his 90s, on a fixed income, etc.

After several bumpy months, though, my brother was running a deficit. So, he made a spreadsheet for all his household expenses and calculated dad's share. It was $300 more than what Dad had been paying. Ouch. No wonder my brother was stressed.

This was not an easy conversation to broach with Dad. He's more and more forgetful, and he worries about the little money he does have. But none of us is in a position to compromise our financial security.

The notion of Dad moving (back) in with Mom struts upon the stage every now and then, inspiring the four of us to say to one another, often after a glass of wine: Wouldn't it be nice? She could help take care of him, he'd help take care of her — they'd each save a bundle — and we would be off the hook. #utterlyselfserving

So, under the influence of our own wishful thinking, we recently coaxed Mom into having Dad stay with her for two days. As an experiment.

For two weeks beforehand, Mom was sick, but rallied. Then on the appointed day — 15 minutes after arriving at Mom's place — Dad fell and hit his head, and we had to take him to the hospital.

They're both fine.

But it was a lesson in how desperation can make you try stupid things and turn a blind eye to all the warning signs that it wasn't going to work. Duh. Onward…

I know what you're thinking: You're going to ask your homebound mom, who may not have enough to cover her own long-term expenses, to contribute to your kiddo's 529??

Fair enough. But my son is heading into his senior year. For various reasons*, Mom hasn't helped with college, and we've never asked.

Then came the moment, about six or eight months ago, when she told me how much she donates to charity. Let's just say: It made me reflect on that dusty old saying that charity should begin at home — with your only grandchild's 529 plan.

So, I worked up my nerve and suggested the following: In lieu of giving quite so much to other people, maybe Mom could also contribute to her grandson's education? That too, is tax deductible in New York, I pointed out.

Sure, she said.

Of course, with one thing and another, that hasn't yet happened, which is why I'm calling this step 3½. But we'll get there. I think Mom is still recovering from Dad hitting his head three seconds after stepping onto her patio.

Overall, I'd call this progress, even if it's still unfolding. If my dad contributes more to my brother's expenses every month — and if my mom contributes a bit to my son's education — that means the four of us "kids" get a little windfall for our own future savings.

Another small windfall: I don't want to say my family is all simpatico on the money front now. But taking these steps did clear out some old cobwebs. And our modest success so far has inspired us to try a few more unconventional maneuvers. I'll let you know how it goes.

* You may have noticed that I've made no mention in this essay about raised voices, hanging up the phone mid-sentence, rage-crying, etc. All of that happened too. We're no different from any other family, and only slightly better behaved than those folks on "Succession."

M.P. Dunleavey writes about life and money, as she has for many years, in countless publications (and a book). She lives in New York City with her family and two cats. Read More