Holiday Hacks For Family Caregivers: Less Stress, More Joy

Here you are, a caregiver on call 24/7 for someone you love, and suddenly it's holiday time. Invite the relatives, order the turkey and get out the holiday decorations. But wait a minute. Before your holiday autopilot kicks in, step back and look at where you are.

"The first thing you have to acknowledge is that things are different now," says Barbara Abramowitz, Massachusetts-based psychotherapist and herself a longtime caregiver. Maybe it's time to rethink the holidays.

"We get caught up in expectations and what other people are going to think of us," Abramowitz told me. "Be bold. Ask yourself, What do I want to keep, and what do I want to let go of? Give yourself time to think about what's really important about the holidays."

Maybe you don't have to decorate every square inch of your home this year. Martha Shapiro, director of programs for Senior Concerns, which supports seniors and family caregivers in Southern California, says, "Think outside the box. Don't be bound by traditions. Give yourself permission to change things up. It can be liberating."

That big family gathering? How about paring down the guest list this year? (Aunt Helen will just have to understand.) Pare down the menu, too. (Do you absolutely have to have mashed potatoes as well as sweet potatoes?) 

Bring in food from a good supermarket or a favorite restaurant, or make it a potluck this time; it's a good way to give those reluctant siblings some way to help you out.

Even if the holiday meal has always been at your house, this might be the year to ask another family member to host. Easiest of all, if it works for your budget (or your sister's budget), hold the dinner at a hotel. The holiday decor, the giant buffet — not to say the prep and the cleanup — are all on them.

Who says that everything has to be done in December? Send New Year's greetings instead of the usual holiday cards — in January.

No one loves traveling on the holidays. One family moved to Chanukah in May when the airports would be less congested and the weather would be better. You can even move — or extend — the holiday itself. If it's tough to get everyone to the same place on the same day, consider visiting with your person a day before or after. 

Beth Williams, who directed programs for the Alzheimer's Association in nineteen counties in Georgia and is a former professor of gerontology, has counseled countless caregivers on how to manage the holidays. "If (the person you care for) has lost the concept of time," she says, "just celebrate." 

So Christmas could be December 24 or December 26. Think of it as a holiday helper — you get to extend the holiday over more than one day, it takes some pressure off and you still get to celebrate.

You could try place-shifting as well. One Massachusetts family ditched December in New Jersey, which was hard for the extended family to get to, opting instead for a July celebration in Rhode Island.

Or go virtual. Covid taught us how to do all kinds of family get-togethers over Zoom. Many senior care facilities have tech folks who can help. Or ask one of the grandkids to go to Nana's place and set up the holiday Zoom call.

No question that you're under stress as a caregiver. Everyone keeps telling you to make time for self-care, but it's harder now than ever. So sneak it in. Seriously. 

According to Abramowitz, "The respite doesn't have to be in big chunks. It can be in the moment. Pause in the transitions between activities. In the car, take a moment before heading to your destination. Breathe. Take time between appointments. Breathe. Or stare at the sky or your garden and reconnect with your senses and soul. Breathe."

While shopping for gifts at the mall, find a coffee shop, sit down and treat yourself to one of those only-at-the-holidays specialty drinks. And when you go to the Post Office to mail off the presents, look at the revolving gift card kiosk. They've got cards from retailers and restaurants, movie theaters, online stores and more. Prices can be as low as $10 or $20. 

For delayed gratification, book a massage for January or February (check out local massage franchises, health clubs, spas and massage schools). You deserve it.

Dr. Karen Midyet, a clinical psychologist in Fort Collins, Colorado, whose coaching practice includes many older caregivers, knows how critical self-care is. "I tell them, hire somebody to come in so you can leave for a few hours." 

"Sometimes," she adds, "you can just do something as simple as sitting outside in the sun for one minute, taking a short walk with the dog. A short walk is better than no walk."

For some extra help during the holidays, Shapiro suggests looking into the senior centers in your area (search on "senior centers near me" and "adult day care near me"). Many of them offer unique programs and caregiver support groups during holiday times.

Several states offer free respite care services. Check out the Family Caregiver Alliance for details on respite programs, state by state. The National Adult Day Services Association has an interactive "Find a Center" map for daycare facilities nationwide. Respite care for veterans and their caregivers is also available through the US Department of Veterans Affairs.

Your first impulse may be to bring Mom or Dad home for a family gathering. "But if your person is in a care facility," Shapiro points out, "it may be more detrimental to bring them to your house and bring them back." 

For a lot of people with dementia, the back-and-forth causes stress. Big gatherings and blinking Christmas lights may also be overwhelming. So bring a quiet celebration to them or join in whatever holiday event the care facility offers. 

Bring your person's favorite holiday food, get a stack of holiday cards to look through, show photos of the family in their red-and-green elf caps, or FaceTime with the grandchildren.

"If you want your person to enjoy the holiday, it has to be meaningful to them," says Williams. "Keep the tradition of celebrating; just shift the focus."

If you're taking Mom to someone's party, consider what she needs. "Have a quick meal," Williams advises. "Just stay for an hour."

The key, says Shapiro, is to plan. "Set things up for success. If you're going to someone's house, make sure there is a chair they can get in and out of, a quiet room they can retreat to."

"You need to find a way to make it comfortable and realistic. If your loved one has dementia, they can still engage in reminiscing. Use that to your advantage," she says. "When the family gets together, ask what was the favorite part of this holiday for each of us. Have an intergenerational table and design questions so the older people can impart their memories."

Shapiro adds, "With dementia you have to slow everybody down. Tell them that after dinner, we're all going to sit on a couch and listen to some stories."

Holidays often involve religious observances, but extended services and large crowds may not work this year. "Do you have to go to church for the big gathering?" Williams asks caregivers. "Try Saturday evening instead. You could call Father So-and-so and ask, 'Can we come as a small group, and could you give us a sermon and Communion?'"

Jim Sherblom, a social impact investor and former Unitarian Universalist minister in Brookline, Massachusetts, encouraged innovative ways to mark the holidays. Especially if it was difficult for his congregants to get to church, he would invite them over to his house, and they would walk together in the nearby woods.

These days many religious groups livestream their services. "All Dad wanted for Christmas was church," one caregiver told me. "So we watched the holiday service on his iPad, and it worked just fine." Ask your person what they'd like to do for the holidays — it may surprise you.

Leave day-to-day activities behind, put on your fancy clothes (or that once-a-year Christmas sweater), and share some moments. Focus on that. Stick to what's doable — and enjoyable — for you and meaningful for your person.

Reminiscing may be the best way to enrich your person's day. "Play the music that moves them," says Williams. "Maybe it's just the same five oldies. That's okay. Run old family movies on a loop." Or maybe it's playing a game together, laughing, watching a football game."

"Holidays are an opportunity to create new rituals," Abramowitz reminds us. "We get to remake the holidays. We get to create what we want."

You never know — this could be the last holiday with your person. "Take a lot of photos," says Shapiro, adding, "take mental photos. Say to yourself, I will capture this and remember this moment."

Whatever you create, whether you trim the tree or trim down the festivities, the holidays are still a unique time to build new memories and savor the simple joy of being with people you love.

Connie Baher Connie Baher is a writer and speaker on caregiving and re-imagining retirement. Her latest book is Family Caregivers: An Emotional Survival Guide. Published in USA Today, The New York Times Magazine, Forbes, and The Boston Globe, she is also the author of "The Case of the Kickass Retirement." She is a Harvard MBA, an entrepreneur, and a former tech executive. Read More